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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Suicidal partner won't get help - help!

32 replies

PopKid1987 · 24/02/2020 09:59

Hi, I'm hoping for some advice/words of wisdom. I've posted recently about my partner self harming when we argue. He's now spiralled further and is constantly talking about wishing he was dead, including ways that he wants to die. He says he hates himself and his life and being dead seems like the only logical solution. He's started counselling but is only two sessions in and hasn't yet told the therapist about all this. It's very frightening and also exhausting - last night we hardly slept because he was flipping between being angry and crying. That was after drinking heavily for most of the day. The really hard thing is that a lot of why he feels this way is because of our relationship, and when he gets angry with me it's harder to soothe him. I've suggested he talks to his GP or calls the Samaritans or CALM, but he doesn't want to. I don't feel that I can talk to his family - once previously when I thought he was having a breakdown I called his sister who is a GP, and he was absolutely furious with me and still hasn't forgiven me. To be honest, I want to leave him, but couldn't live with myself if he seriously hurt himself. Help!!!

OP posts:
DreemOn · 24/02/2020 10:05

What a terrible situation. I haven’t really got any advice though. I’m sorry. Hopefully someone else can help.
Can you call one of the MH organizations for some advice?

carlyclock · 24/02/2020 10:06

To be honest, I want to leave him, but couldn't live with myself if he seriously hurt himself. Help!!!

Leave. If he is going to do anything he will do it whether you stay or go. I'm sorry to be blunt but you need to put yourself first.

You say...

I've posted recently about my partner self harming when we argue.

That's manipulation.

Leave.

Wolfiefan · 24/02/2020 10:08

You need to get out.
It’s awful that he’s feeling bad. But he’s choosing to drink alcohol and not properly engage with the counsellor.
You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

Splitsunrise · 24/02/2020 10:10

Hmmm.... he only does this when you argue? He gets very angry? He sounds like an abusive arsehole more than someone having a mental health crisis. You need to put yourself first here.

MidniteMessenger · 24/02/2020 10:11

Phone the crisis team and they will come out today to see him.

Original poster
PopKid1987 · 24/02/2020 10:19

@MidniteMessenger is a Crisis team a local authority thing? Or NHS trust? I am googling for my area but can't find anything. Thanks!

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 24/02/2020 10:22

You are not equipped to deal with this. Can you ring his GP and ask who in turn he area is best to call.

My heart broke reading your post. He's clearly desperately troubled and needs help but emotionally blackmailing you into staying is wrong.

Hepsibar · 24/02/2020 10:32

I would suggest the drinking and being cowardly about actually calling the whole thing off is why he's having suicidal thoughts.

I would strongly recommend you take control for your health and a spin off maybe his health, and call the whole thing off but make sure you plan things beforehand and do it in a safe place because with his mental health, he could be unsafe. Advise looking at Women's Aid websites and eg When Georgia Smiles.

You cannot be held to ransom by him. If he choses to do a violent act to himself or others that is his choice.

holrosea · 24/02/2020 10:34

This sounds exhausting and very upsetting, but whatever his own mental health problems, you cannot be his guardian and ultimately, you cannot control his choices.

Others have said "abuse" and to be honest, it rang alarms bells for me too, especially that he was angry at you and still holding a grudge over contacting an actual GP (even if it was his sister). I think you need to have a look at the abuse wheel and see if any of his other behaviour fits,and if you want to leave, do so anyway. You have a life to live too. Good luck.

Suicidal partner won't get help - help!
Original poster
PopKid1987 · 24/02/2020 11:08

Thank you all. I am going to call our GP and see what they advise. Things are calm again right now but I do need to know what to do when the next crisis comes - seems to be every evening at the moment.

OP posts:
DreemOn · 24/02/2020 11:46

It's not possible to know whether his claims to commit suicide and his self harming are him being manipulative or not. I get frustrated when posters read an OP and then seem so confident that someone is chosing to be suicidal and to self harm is them being controlling and manipulative when you can't possibly know. I am not the least bit qualified to comment but I always imagine it's not as black and white as that.

Lots of people who suffer from depression etc are not very rational and lots of people who suffer from depression aren't very self-aware. I suspect if the sexes were reversed in this thread the replies would be very, very different.
That's why it's best to ask for advice from professionals.

OP, good luck. I'm glad you are getting help.

Wolfiefan · 24/02/2020 11:49

You need to know what to do?
Leave.
You can’t fix this.

RLEOM · 24/02/2020 23:08

He needs meds. Now.

septsapp · 24/02/2020 23:13

Take him to a and e when he's in a crisis , they will get him to see the crisis team there , counselling takes a while to help , gp would be next point of call for some medication and maybe a referral to mental health team , drink will make it worse but it is an instant go to self medication for mental health sufferers x

Aquamarine1029 · 24/02/2020 23:15

Get away from him as quickly as possible. Leave now if you can. You can't help him.

Heartburn888 · 24/02/2020 23:23

My ex use to threaten suicide too so I know how horrible it is. I’d tell his family and if you are really concerned for his safety I.e he’s stormed off and threatening to end his life I’d ring the police.

I agree with leaving him, it’s hard but you do need to put yourself first, I use to see it like he feels so low and shit but I shouldn’t be dragged down to the same level just because he feels a certain type of way.

Good luck

PickAChew · 24/02/2020 23:31

I would ring emergency services whenever he was drunk and threatening to harm himself. He wants you hopping around, changing your behaviour to get what he wants with no regard for you. Take that power away from him.

And leave as soon as it is safe. My ex often threatened to kill himself and he's still alive, almost 20 years after I left him.

icantstop · 24/02/2020 23:43

Op my partner was like this.

He hung himself in our living room one night, I woke in the morning to find him.

He would not seek help. Time and time again, visits to the crisis team, gp, Samaritans. He'd never follow through with any help.

I wanted to leave and wish I had.

He's not your responsibility. Cruel as it may sound.

GammaRays · 24/02/2020 23:53

Honestly, please leave.

I went through years of self harming/being suicidal (never as a result of a partner, though arguments were huge triggers for me self-harming but I never once blamed the person I argued with for that).

But I had to hit rock bottom. After a lot of trying to engage with different therapies, I had a miscarriage and my ex left me on the same day. It wasn't a planned pregnancy at all but I still felt awful and had a breakdown. I went to hospital and realised there that I had to change for myself. That was 8 years ago. I've not spoken to that ex since, had a beautiful boy and wouldn't even think of self harming ever again. But I had to hit that bottom to rise up. Most of my mental health improvement has been learning CBT for myself and focusing on what I can change. You need to be the first change, so your partner/ex can change. And most importantly, so you can live your life.

Good luck to you Thanks

Londongirl07 · 25/02/2020 00:00

Please call his doctors and tell them of this about the suicidal thoughts etc and tell them he doesn’t have the mental capacity to say if he’s ok or not he’s threatening with suicide so he’s not ok! He needs medical intervention

BumbleBeee69 · 25/02/2020 01:23

What a bastard... he's using this to control you OP.. you need to leave and do not look back..

Original poster
PopKid1987 · 25/02/2020 11:08

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond - I really appreciate it. In case anyone reads this post with a similar problem, I'd like to point them to the most useful webpage I could find: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/supporting-someone-who-feels-suicidal/how-to-help/

For those who say 'just leave' I hear where you're coming from, and it's probably true that this is a way of manipulating and controlling me. But he's in genuine pain as well and so it is more complicated. Also because he's the father of my child, who loves him very much and would be devastated - it would not be something I would do until I thought he was stable. Obviously I would get us both out of the situation if I ever thought we were in danger, though, and have a plan I could put into place if it came to it.

@icantstop - I am so, so sorry that you had to go through that.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 25/02/2020 11:33

His “pain” doesn’t mean he gets to control you and behave badly to you.
He’s choosing not to actively seek help and to self medicate with alcohol.
You can’t solve this.
Put your child first and get away.

ZandathePanda · 25/02/2020 21:22

That’s a really good webpage you have linked to. Keep yourself safe and remember there is only so much you can do for him if he won’t accept help from professionals.

Bookworm83 · 25/02/2020 23:17

This is emotional blackmail and I'm speaking from my own experience, unfortunately.
My ex husband did this each time I mentioned I wanted to split up. He threatened to self harm with knives, drugs; one time I found him in a bloody cemetery saying he was just going to stay there!!

One thing someone wise told me is that if a person is really planning suicide, they will do it, they won't talk about it. It's only those who want to be stopped, who are desperate for attention, that will talk about it all the time.

Emotional blackmail is nasty and six years later I'm still dealing with PTSD but never once regretted leaving my ex. I know you're feeling confused and possibly guilty, I've been there myself. But please don't let him get in your head.