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Original poster

Should I send a message to DP's SIL even though I don't know her well?

51 replies

Aryaneedle · 24/02/2020 09:58

DP's brother and his wife have just split up, found out yesterday. He'd been having an affair and she found out through messages, sat on the evidence, got a solicitor, started divorce proceedings and got money together to buy him out. She invited DP's mum round to babysit their child and handed her a note and took DP's brother upstairs and confronted him. The note to MIL said that she had found something out about her son, she was going to confront him and if he kicked off MIL should call the police Sad.

I've only met her a handful of times as we do not live near DP's family but I'm friends on FB with her and when we have met we have got on like a house on fire (our jobs are closely linked and we are similar in our outlooks and values etc) I want to message her saying that I'm sorry to hear what she has been through, that I have been through divorce with children involved and if there's any questions I can answer to get in touch. I'm also concerned that she felt she could only confront him with his mum there and the police thing makes me think she has been scared of him? I've been in a physically abusive marriage so I get it. But I don't want her to think I am overstepping the mark really? Any advice?

OP posts:
purpleboy · 24/02/2020 10:28

How does your DP feel about you contacting her?
I personally would reach out to her, because it's a kind thing to do, but it could lead to problems in the future in bil gets a new gf etc..
But in the spirit of being a nice person I would at least reach out.

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 24/02/2020 10:49

I haven't discussed it with DP yet. He got a message from his mum last night telling him to contact his brother. So he did.

I feel like he's getting the support but SIL isn't, which I know happens in families but it's shitty when she's done nothing wrong!

OP posts:
Poorolddaddypig · 24/02/2020 10:52

I would.

Whereisthelaughter · 24/02/2020 11:00

I did - same familial connection, but I didn't know the circumstances of the split. Also got in very well, would text occasionally, Facebook friends but not particularly close. I just sent a "I'm sorry to hear that you have parted ways, I hope you're ok" kind of opener.

She never read it, not sure if she thought I was fishing for gossip, which I wasnt, I genuinely was sorry as I liked her a lot more than my BIL! I wasn't offended, I guess she wanted to break ties, but was glad I did. Do it, if it's in line with your values and how you act as a person. I would have felt more uncomfortable not doing.

Musti · 24/02/2020 11:09

I would. My friend was really upset that noone except her FIL contacted her to see how she was after she split up with her DP. They actually got back together and she doesn't view them in the same light anymore.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 24/02/2020 11:14

I would, and I would tell her that anything you discuss will be in confidence and not shared with your DH, or she may be worried that it will get back to the brother. I think if you chat with her and want to keep her trust then you'll have to keep any conversations private, which could be tricky if your DH objects.

LittleDragonGirl · 24/02/2020 11:15

I would contact her. But dont push it. Explain you are their if need be and she is welcome to contact you any time and you will support her as needed, might also be worth mentioning that you will refrain from repeating anything to your DP or his brother othetwis4 she may worry talking to you will backfire.

LouHotel · 24/02/2020 11:16

She's handled that like an absolute queen right down to having the MIL there so he wouldn't kick off...I expect she has a very good support system.

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 24/02/2020 11:19

She handled it so well! I feel like she has been on MN for advice because she did it so brilliantly Smile

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 24/02/2020 11:19

I would. You get on, so why can't you stay in touch.

MIL and I have stayed in touch with ex SIL. We don't live near each other but will send a message every so often to her.

I have to say if she thought the police might need to be involved I would be keeping a certain distance from the BIL

EmeraldShamrock · 24/02/2020 11:23

I would. Don't ask any details a simple text of support.

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 24/02/2020 11:24

I have just sent 'Sorry to hear what has gone on and I hope you are okay. It's a tough time and I wanted to acknowledge that, even though we don't know each other well. Sending lots of love'.

I couldn't not acknowledge it IYSWIM.

OP posts:
mnthrowaway202020 · 24/02/2020 11:25

Message her but don’t send what you wrote in your op about your own divorce/any questions you can answer,

Lllot5 · 24/02/2020 11:26

I wouldn’t tbh keep out of it.
Has she got her own family?

Simonfromharlow · 24/02/2020 11:28

I'd reach out. I've recently split from my husband and have been pleased to hear from both my SILs

Hercwasonaroll · 24/02/2020 11:29

Definitely acknowledge it, you've done the right thing.

As a PP said you may have to keep conversations private but it sounds like you can offer good advice.

FLOrenze · 24/02/2020 11:37

When my son and DiL separated I did contact her., I just said how sorry I was, and would she like to meet. I added, ‘ no need to talk about what has happened if you don’t want to, but I just want you to know we will always be there for you”. There was no affair, they just fell out of love.

I thought long and hard about it, but I am so glad I did contact her. In your place I would not say anything about your own experience or offer any advice. If you do that, it will seem that you are taking sides. Just be her friend, give practical help, listen if necessary. Under no circumstances discuss her husband or repeat to your partner anything that she has said.

I have managed to stay close to my son and my DiL. Neither of them talk about each other to me.

AlternativePerspective · 24/02/2020 11:44

Yes I would.

Just because she’s not married to your DP’s brother any more doesn’t mean you can’t be in contact. The two things are not mutually exclusive, and IMO there’s far too much expectation that family/friends should cut ties just because the person has. You’re all adults.

Me and my ILs are in regular contact. They’ve been round here for dinner, visited me in hospital etc. I never pushed it but they continued to have a relationship with me, yes perhaps because of DC but also with me in my own right.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 24/02/2020 11:47

I would message her.

If only to tell her what an absolute queen she is for handling it like that.

My god, cool calm and collected doesn't even cover it!

👑

whitesoxx · 24/02/2020 11:49

I wouldn't be getting involved to the point of "giving advice". She sounds like she's handled it better than most so what advice could you possible have that she isn't aware of?

She sounds switched on.

And remember, she won't likely remain part of your lives but other women will come (and either stay or go). Getting yourself too involved could end up with your DP's brother hating you and the SIL long gone to her new life. Who suffers? You and DP

FizzyGreenWater · 24/02/2020 11:55

Your children are cousins.

You've got every right to contact her, and to let her know you would like to keep in touch.

And he - BIL - has no right whatsoever to not be happy with that.

Your message was great, if she replies don't be afraid to say you'd like to think you'd be able to keep in touch directly in the future, that you're upset on her behalf and if there's anything you can do to support her you will.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 24/02/2020 12:01

This is where I'm bad at families because I'd tell everyone that BIL is an arsehole and I was fully on SIL's side and I don't give a fuck about blood and water.

whitesoxx · 24/02/2020 12:03

"And he - BIL - has no right whatsoever to not be happy with that"

And when did that ever stop anyone shifting blame and permanently damaging relationships Confused

FizzyGreenWater · 24/02/2020 12:07

And when did that ever stop anyone shifting blame and permanently damaging relationships

Never. But just pointing out to OP that she's under no obligation to not contact her SIL out of some notion of family loyalty. The BIL deserves none.

Gutterton · 24/02/2020 12:18

Your message was perfect and appropriate and I am sure will be valued by her at this difficult time even if she never replies.

She sounds like a superstar and so do you.

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