Should I send a message to DP's SIL even though I don't know her well?

[Aryaneedle]

DP's brother and his wife have just split up, found out yesterday. He'd been having an affair and she found out through messages, sat on the evidence, got a solicitor, started divorce proceedings and got money together to buy him out. She invited DP's mum round to babysit their child and handed her a note and took DP's brother upstairs and confronted him. The note to MIL said that she had found something out about her son, she was going to confront him and if he kicked off MIL should call the police .

I've only met her a handful of times as we do not live near DP's family but I'm friends on FB with her and when we have met we have got on like a house on fire (our jobs are closely linked and we are similar in our outlooks and values etc) I want to message her saying that I'm sorry to hear what she has been through, that I have been through divorce with children involved and if there's any questions I can answer to get in touch. I'm also concerned that she felt she could only confront him with his mum there and the police thing makes me think she has been scared of him? I've been in a physically abusive marriage so I get it. But I don't want her to think I am overstepping the mark really? Any advice?

Your SIL is awesome and totally on mumsnet

I would have contacted her too.

I definitely would

I’m glad you’ve contacted your SIL and whilst it sounds like she has everything well planned, but you can never have too much support at such a time.

I would keep out of it actually. Your DP needs to support his brother and you being a support to his wife could make things awkward for you DP. It'd be different if you two had been close but you say you barely know her

@YetAnotherSpartacus so would I! Behave badly, expect to have it acknowledged by your nearest and dearest.

I would. Just be honest like you have been in your post. Say you know it might feel strange as your with her ex's brother but you're thinking of her and here if needed. Let her know it's fine to just get back to you or not whenever, no pressure . As she will have lots on and might not have the head space.

I would keep out of it actually. Your DP needs to support his brother and you being a support to his wife could make things awkward for you DP. why does the DP need to support his brother?

He cheated on his wife, he is responsible for the breakdown of the marriage, and while nobody knows what goes on inside a relationship nobody should feel obligated to support someone just because they’re family.

Not suggesting the DP cut the brother out, but the brother has no right to expect his family not to stay in contact with his wife.

My DP’s brother and SIL split some years ago and DP’s now ex offered SIL a place to stay. BIL went absolutely belistic, ringing round all the family telling them he expected none of them to ever speak to her again, family loyalty yada yada yada. He’d even sat his children down and demanded they have nothing more to do with their mother again - this was all in front of her. BIL rang DP and started to make the same demands, how dare he support SIL etc etc and DP told him to shut up and get a grip. That the split wasn’t even permanent yet as it was a trial separation and that if he got back with her he’d be demanding people embrace her back into the family again, and he, DP, had no intentions of cutting her out on his say-so.

As it happens they did get back together and DP was right.

They split up again recently and having met said BIL since I think she’s well rid. Not a chance do I think someone like that should deserve support just because they’re family.

One of my brothers' ex wives & I get on REALLY well, I used to work near where she lived and would often pop round to see my nephew. Never got on well with that brother anyway and think he was a bit of a sh*t husband to her anyway. I used to hide in the front room out of sight of the front door if he was dropping nephew home. I'm sure he cottoned on, cos I've never been invited to his new house and only met his newest wife at family gatherings.

I would and I have. It was greatly received.

If you didn’t I’d think you were an uncaring bitch who wasn’t nice enough to look beyond your blood ties.

I mean you don’t know her well but a bit of solidarity doesn’t harm and letting someone know they’re not automatically on their own wrt their in-laws is a caring message to send.

Don’t assume she wants to be left alone with her friends.

@ Ariela I am at “one of my brother’s ex wives,” and “his newest wife...” I assume he’s had a few then?

If you didn’t I’d think you were an uncaring bitch who wasn’t nice enough to look beyond your blood ties.

Bit much don't you think? OP doesn't have blood ties to either of them. She wouldn't be an "uncaring bitch" for not reaching out to someone she doesn't know very well when it could cause complications for her partner or her relationship with her partner. Or even without that last part. Most of us probably don't reach out to near strangers we see going through a hard time.

That said, I would probably see what your partner thinks. If he was dead against it and thought it would cause a family rift, and you don't want to lose your relationship, then I probably wouldn't, but otherwise I probably would. It sounds like you and the ex have a lot in common and could easily be friends regardless of the family connection.

She has messaged me back saying she really appreciates hearing from me and that she would like to still be in contact and bring DN up to us and visit us. She really cares about my DP and he about her. We haven't discussed details of their split, but she said people like me (who have come out of the other side) give her hope. DP was fine with my sending her a message.

That’s a wonderful result - you should feel proud that you have brought some brightness to her life in these dark days and that both of your DCs will benefit from that directly.

I think it’s v important for show support for people who have been hurt.

That's lovely I'm glad she appreciated your gesture

That is so lovely OP, you both sound like kind people.

Really pleased about the outcome OP, as PP habe said, the kids are cousins and to be honest both BIL and SIL will need to Co parent so the families will still be needed just as much if not more

What you sent was perfect. Well done and I hope you stay friends.

Oh, that is so lovely! I am glad you followed your own instinct and heart.

I contacted my BIL (dhs sister's husband) when they split up, just to say how sorry I was and that I was thinking of him. He really appreciated it and said I was the only person from our family (his IL's and my IL's) who had even acknowledged him at all. He was really moved by it and it took nothing from me. I told my IL's that I'd done it as I didn't want secrets. I've seen him several times since and we've been friendly.

@aSofaNearYou ah my reply was tongue-in-cheek to ape the unpleasant one above which I see has now been deleted.

Glad the OP has had a positive response.

@MangoHat ah right sorry, that makes sense, it gets confusing when comments get deleted.

You're entitled to maintain whatever relationship you like with her. But don't message her on facebook. Just send a nice handwritten note saying you're sorry to hear what's happened, that you value her friendship and you're there for her if she needs support.

What a lovely message-I bet she really appreciated it.