Our marriage isn't bad but it isn't good either

[Listeningtowind]

We've been married 3.5 years and together over 10. 2 young DCs.

I feel so unfulfilled in my marriage and don't know what to do. We keep having big arguments, every 2-3 weeks. Had a huge one last weekend and, as usual, agreed we'd do xyz to try and make things better but our relationship feels so 'bleurgh', humdrum.

Last weekend I said I'd like us to go to counseling but he said no, it's not his thing. He then became really down and worried that I wanted to leave him. I reassured him that I dont but a small part of me does.

I'm really struggling with the idea that this is the rest of my life. I day dream that he'll cheat and I'll have a good reason to leave.

We have 2 very young DC, which has disrupted my career. I'm a SAHM at the moment, which I enjoy and find hard in equal measure. I don't know how much other factors can make me question my marriage so much.

Anyone have any experience of feeling like this or any advice?

You say you daydream he will cheat? Would you actually be happy if he did? If that really is the case then you need to end things.

How old are the children?

Why did you give up your career? Can you / when will you return to your career?

I realised during my first maternity leave that I could never be a SAHP, it just wasn’t for me, no matter how much I love my kids, I can’t do that 24/7, I need to use my brain in that way and have a break from home / repeat child based activities.

You don't need a "good" reason to leave - just say you're sick of the arguing and don't want to be with him any more, if that's how you feel.

If he won’t go to counselling go on your own.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Why are you and he still together at all, it is really because it’s somehow “easier“ for both of you to remain together and argue every 2-3 weeks?. Do not think that they cannot hear the rows either if they are not in the same room because sound travels.

Divorce is not failure, living in such unhappiness is.

@cinderemma happy isn't the right word. Maybe relieved that he had done something. At the moment, while he denies that there is an issue, it feels like we're stuck. Counselling would hopefully move us in one direction and cheating would move us in another. If we stay as we are nothing is going to change or get better.

@babooshkar Children are almost 2 and 3 months, very tiny. I'm planning to go back to work within the next year. I've not given up my career and the plan has always been to return. While I've been off my world has become much smaller, I have ended up doing practically all housework and childcare even at weekends. My husband will do bits here and there but he doesn't plan with the DC in mind. Whenever we all go out together he gets himself ready and o get myself and the DC ready. He's got no idea what is involved in keeping our family ticking over. Perhaps when I go back to work things will even it a bit more but I'm not hopeful as it wasn't much better before children.

@boats yes I know what you mean. Unhappiness did be enough. It's very scary and my preference is to make things better with him. I worry that this is a phase in our relationship as we've got young children. I'd be heartbroken if we ended it for the wrong reasons.

@attilathemeerkat those are interesting questions. My parents were in a very unhappy marriage for a long time before my DM divorced my DF. I suppose I learnt, amongst other things, that a marriage can be a lot worse than mine is and maybe that it should take a much more extreme reason to leave. Your question about what I'd want my DC to learn has given me pause. My DH is a loving father and adores our children but something I've learnt with my own DF is that a man can be a great father and a crap husband.

I'm now thinking about raising counselling again and if he won't go then going by myself.

Hi OP,
I was in exactly this position when my children were the ages yours are. And again, and again, and again every few years.
I have been to counselling myself and started again almost 2 years ago.
About 3 years ago, I said I wanted to leave. We tried (him very reluctantly) couples counselling but only managed two sessions. I stuck with the marriage again.
7 weeks ago, I told him I was leaving. I had made initial plans and had an appointment with a solicitor. I meant it.
He had decided to commit to improving things. Started his own counselling immediately, we have begun talking, sharing, listening again. It doesn’t feel like I’m ‘asking him to help out’ with the kids, like it was. It feels genuine.
I don’t know how this is possible. It was to do with willingness to work on it. I almost wasn’t willing to do anymore.

The DC are at a very hard age OP.
It is tough going, it sounds like he loves you too he needs to catch up, jump on, get on with helping raise his family.
It's team work he needs to get on board the crazy train.

@parrotonmyshoulder thank you for sharing that. It sounds like things are on the up and long may it continue. I feel like I'm heading in that direction. Slowly at the moment but certainly. I will talk to him about counselling again.

@emeraldshamrock I've been hoping someone would say this. He's actually good with the children. He doesn't do all the in betweeny bits (like cutting nails, planning meals etc) but he does bedtime every night and night wakings, weekend classes etc It's more that it feels like we've lost each other somewhat. It's hard to find the time to be with each other when bedtime can last until 8pm, then we eat and go to bed.

You are at a tough time. It’s huge changes for both of you from carefree couple to a complete focus on little ones. He has work as an escape but you don’t. I think most couples find this stage hard work and there is a big readjustment from couple to family. I suspect he feels like it’s all about the responsibility of being the provider for the four of you and that must feel like a big responsibility.
I have never been into counselling and navel gazing; I think it can be very destructive. I think sticking with it and accepting it’s a hard year will reap benefits in longer term when you get time to be a couple again.
In the meantime, maybe look to get yourself something pleasurable outside the home. That isn’t about babies. Do something that involves learning and preparing for a return to work. Use your brain. Once you are happier with yourself the relationship might flourish again rather than enter a circle of decline.

Don’t do anything drastic whilst your DCs are so young as I think a lot of couples go through this with tiny children. It’s like throwing a hand grenade into your marriage.

You need to stop lying. You are giving him false reassurance and he needs to have all the facts. Tell him you are so unhappy you are posting on the internet considering divorce and that it is a fait accompli without counselling.

Reassure him that lots of people enter counselling in the same state as you but come out with practical ways to fall back in love, communicate better and establish emotional intimacy again.

Tell him you owe it to the couple you used to be and your children to try counselling.

Once you are happier with yourself the relationship might flourish again rather than enter a circle of decline

So her husband who has checked out of family life completely has nothing to do with this? OP has asked to go to counselling which he has declined, he abstains from anything in the house other than working. So basically, if OP goes out for a few nights to bingo then that will make it up to her? Bizarre advice!

It gets easier. it's a game of survival for the first few years.
You need to be a team, not against each other show him how much you do, My DC are older, there are still times I still say to the DP get off your arse, the balance tries to shift not on my watch.
Though he is definitely better now they're older.

The only thing I'd say about sticking it out through a tough few years is making sure resentment doesn't set in. That was the killer for my marriage.
If I'm ever in the same position again I'll be honest about my feelings. It turned out my STBXH had little idea how bad I felt.

It's more that it feels like we've lost each other somewhat. It's hard to find the time to be with each other when bedtime can last until 8pm, then we eat and go to bed
This is sad, it is a tough time but very normal with a 2 y.o and 2mth baby.
It was hectic. He'd come in from work, I'd nap as DC2 never stopped crying I'd be up through the night, then trying to fit DC1 in making sure she wasn't to neglected. I was constantly frazzled like an elastic close to snapping at any point.
It is all a distant memory now, thank fook.

The problem is that he either doesn't see the problem or doesn't want to change because that would require effort on his part. The only thing to do is sit him down and tell him that you need to go to counselling and you need to address these issues or you will be heading towards divorce. Tell him that and if he still says he will won't do counselling then you know where you stand. But, your youngest is very little and you will still be recovering from the birth so it could be that you simply feel overwhelmed with everything. If he wasn't great at sharing the load before the birth of your DC's he's going to need to step up a bit. He probably thinks he does loads 'to help you' and that's the difficult thing to address as he's not helping you but doing his share!

You've two tiny kids so I think what you're feeling is fairly normal.

Sit him down and talk about what needs doing and how you can work as a team to get things done so that you will both get a break and some quality time together. Even if it's just a takeaway and a film once a week for now.

He probably thinks he does loads 'to help you' and that's the difficult thing to address as he's not helping you but doing his share
This. He needs to see it his share of parenting.

One of the (many) challenges with being at home with young children/babies is, as you say, your world becomes smaller.

Needs that you previously got met to some degree at work - adult conversation, feeling appreciated and valued, teamwork, someone to support you etc - don't just disappear and this is the value of the traditional 'it takes a village' approach to child-rearing.

Extended families, close geographical communities, someone to step in and mind the children while you nap etc etc.

It's bloody hard and exhausting raising children without that, and it's not necessarily possible for a partner to provide all those things.

But that doesn't mean that he gets to opt out of the tedious basics of planning, decision making, thinking ahead etc

I agree with the 'don't do anything drastic while your children are so young' school of thought (unless abuse of course!). You're still post-partum hormonally and it's such a slog at this stage to think straight.

Some counselling for you might be useful, to help you clarify your thoughts and have some space just for you?

Sounds pretty normal when you have children that age. You need to ride it out for a few years. Unless ofc you think that you will be happier as a single mother and all that entails.

Gosh so many wise words. I'm so glad I posted this last night - you've all pegged our situation really well. Thank you for taking the time to think about my situation and post such insightful replies.

The point about 'helping me with the kids' hits he nail on the head actually.

And what lots of you have said about this being a particularly hard time in a marriage so not doing anything drastic (like leave!) I was so hoping to hear this. Very true about resentment too - this is something I need to be careful about. I think this is why I want to go to counseling together. It would carve out a time to talk about things where at the moment it never feels like the right time.

Best of luck for you both.

Once you get through the crazy years together it will be a joy, think of the future in 2 years you'll have a 4y.o and 2y.o with both of you loving and supporting them, they will make you laugh every day.
Bickering will cause animosity with the DC they are little sponges. Hang in there, tell DH to model the nature you want the DC to have

Oh go to counselling for you he'll follow if he see's the benefits. personally I don't do counsellors I reread my choice theory book and counsel myself.

In my experience this is an extremely common dynamic amongst couples with young children.

In the last few years you've stopped working and had two children, your life is now completely different and I imagine you're (both) sleep deprived and have little time to yourselves. Massive changes which affect moment to moment as well as the big picture / identity.

When me and my partner argue it's a big indicator we need more time together - like when a child's behaviour becomes more difficult it's a signal they need more love.

Being a sahm (or any parent?) is heaven and hell and can switch in a millisecond.

My advice - get time together, out, without the kids, even if it's just an hour or two. And get some time alone without anyone to sit under a tree or stare at a wall or something.
I found counselling really helpful and a big take home for me was that it was all to be expected given our lifestyles - and that exhaustion was a massive factor in our conflict, as was a changed dynamic in our now contrasting lifestyles (him still careering, me not).

Of course all this is based on my own experience.

Space, get space! x