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Original poster

My friend doesn't approve of my new beau :/

44 replies

duckingterrified · 23/02/2020 19:10

I've been seeing this guy for about 5 months. I've known him for years, and to be honest I never really fancied him at first. But last year we got a little closer and he confessed he liked me. I started to look at him differently and eventually I made a pass at him and things took off from there.

I've been surprised at how different this relationship feels. There's no drama and he's very gentleman-like and mature. After a string of toxic exes it feels like a step in the right direction, but there's one person who doesn't approve -- my best friend.

She's become really standoffish with me since the relationship started, and she's often made comments like "If I'm honest, I don't think you're good together", "you never liked him before, why do you suddenly like him now?" and she's implied that I'm settling.

It's making me really confused and planting doubts in my head. Why does she feel so strongly about this? She doesn't fancy him (she's always told me so and he's not her type).

She's become so off with me that I can barely call her my best friend. Whenever I mention I'm going to see him she looks at me like I'm doing something wrong and it's upsetting me. When I try to have a heart to heart with her she gets defensive and changes the subject so I don't know what to do.

I'm now sat here in tears wondering if I should break it off with him because if my best friend thinks I'm stringing him along then maybe I am? I thought was just following my instincts and seeing where things would go but it feels like I'm causing so much stress right now!

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 23/02/2020 19:12

Is she single? Envious of your new relationship? Worried you won't see her as much now? Is she generally needy?

Babooshkar · 23/02/2020 19:14

It’s not her decision, I would speak to her and explain you appreciate her opinion but you are giving this new relationship a go and you hope that as your bf she will give you the space to see where it goes.

At the end of the day it’s not her life, you have to make your own choices.

Are you all quite young?

kingkuta · 23/02/2020 19:16

She fancies him.
Why would she go to the trouble of always telling you she doesnt fancy him? Hes obviously on her mind and shes probably always known he likes you.
Please dont let her put you off him if you like him. Even if she doesnt like him she's behaving like a total bitch. Jealousy pure and simple

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 23/02/2020 19:18

Ive been in this situation, but i was your friend. My absolutely beloved best friend was in a string of awful relationships with men who treated her badly, and it was hell to watch. Then she took up with a decent bloke, who treated her well, and was all round generally a nice guy. She was so happy to not be being abused she didnt notice that he was incredibly dull, and that in order to fit in with his incredibly dull life, she was subconsciously dimming all that was brilliant and bright about herself. I had a hard conversation with her, and she was very hurt. The relationship lasted another 2 months, and then she realised i was right. She's now marrying a brilliant, interesting, interested man who treats her well and i couldn't be happier. The first thing she asked me after he proposed was "are you sure I'm not settling like i was with XDP?" She definitely isnt, and I'm so happy for her.

Whynosnowyet · 23/02/2020 19:20

My friend didn't warm to my new bf. Told me he wasn't enough for me, I would stray etc!!
We are now married with a dc.
And she is an ex friend.

mummyof2darlings · 23/02/2020 19:20

I've know my oh for 11 years this year however only been a couple for 4 years this April he was always just a friend and then one day something just clicked and we have been together since we now have a house 2 kids and we're getting married later this year! We had people that didn't approve but just turns out it's jealousy and they feel they will be left behind if your happy that's all that matters good luck with your relationship if she can't be happy for you she obviously isn't a great friend maybe she likes him and wanted to be with him? X

MulticolourMophead · 23/02/2020 19:21

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

I can understand your POV, but I think that for me, it's the friend going on about not fancying him, he's not her type that pushes me to the view that the friend's behaviour is driven by jealousy.

Original poster
duckingterrified · 23/02/2020 19:21

She's never seemed that needy before. In fact, she'd often encourage me to join her on speed dating, Tinder etc to get us both into relationships. She's dated several guys over the past year as well so it's not like she's been completely lonely.

And I just really don't think she fancies him. He really doesn't seem like her type and I feel like she'd have mentioned something or made a move on him before ( because I'm sure he'd have been up for dating her in the past -- she's very pretty).

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 23/02/2020 19:27

Her reasons for being off with him are lame. It's not like he's cruel, abusive, a known womaniser or manipulative.

Likely she was fine when you were dating, but this has the potential to be serious do this time it is different.

Possibly she is jealous of your happiness and availability to her now you have a relationship.

I would say she is jealous big your happiness and your

MotherAughra · 23/02/2020 19:27

Maybe she actually does think you and he are good together and now you are she doesn't have anyone to go speed dating etc with so is jealous in that sense?

Windmillwhirl · 23/02/2020 19:28

Jealous of your happiness and your excitement*

MotherAughra · 23/02/2020 19:28

Cross post with @Windmillwhirl - completely agree

TooTrueToBeGood · 23/02/2020 19:31

Keep an open mind.

You're her best friend, she may just be worried about losing you.
Alternatively, she may be sensing things about him that you are blind to.

Friends are special, lovers are special. Neither should make you choose one or the other.

Littleshortcake · 23/02/2020 19:34

It is just a bit of jealously - she is afraid of losing you & seeing you have your own life.

CatAndHisKit · 23/02/2020 19:42

I agree, sounds like jealousy, not because she fancies him but poss she craves a relationship but struggles to meet the right person. And also she may have no one else to team up for dating with.

blissfulllife · 23/02/2020 19:44

When I got with my partner his best friend hated me on sight. I'd been nothing but polite to him and really wanted to get along with him for my partners sake. He dripped poison in my partners ear calling me a gold digger and tart (partner still lived with his parents and was between jobs so don't know what gold I was supposed to be digging lol) .

At a wedding a few months later and with a few drinks in him this so called friend made a pass at me!

I think your friend might fancy your fella

Iloveacurry · 23/02/2020 19:47

She either fancies him, is jealous of you being loved up or she’s worried you’re get so involved with the BF that you dump her so to speak.

Bagofoldbones · 23/02/2020 19:51

Tell her to get lost.

This was me and dh. Very similar circumstances.

Off my friend I got that I could do better, he’s not your type (meaning packing a few pounds) blah blah.

We’ve been married ten years now, two kids, he really was my old pair of slippers. I’ve never been this content - ever.

My friend is still single. But now a single parent.

Good luck with it Flowers

Windmillwhirl · 23/02/2020 19:58

I hope you don't break it off with him. As a friend, she should talk to you about your concerns. The fact she deflects suggests she knows there is no real substance to her digs.

I'm in a new relationship (5 months) and very happy. My friends are delighted for me and that is how it should be. If your friend had real concerns about him, she would have said when you tried to talk to her.

Enjoy your relationship. Sounds like you've been waiting a good while for a good one, so don't let her spoil this for you.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2020 20:04

Could he have made a pass at her previously, around the time you got together even?

I think you need to try and have another heart to heart with her. Tell her you love her and value her input but it only works if she can be honest with you. Whatever is going on you need 100% openness

MiniCooperLover · 23/02/2020 20:09

She's nervous he's your forever and that she'll be your single friend ...

MoreHairyThanScary · 23/02/2020 22:10

Agree with pp

She's enjoys your nights out on the single circuit together, and she's on her own without you . She's worried that you're moving on to a new stage in life without her.

beckywiththeshithair33 · 23/02/2020 22:14

She can probably sense that this relationship has staying power and feels threatened or jealous by that, especially if your other relationships have been toxic or short lived.

It's a sad fact but sometimes our friends don't like to see us doing well and moving on with life in a way that doesn't necessarily include them. Have you ever heard the phrase people want to see you doing well but never better than them?

NameChangeNugget · 23/02/2020 22:27

She’s being a selfish twat. Jealousy is a poor quality to have as a friend

Grumpelstilskin · 23/02/2020 22:38

She might be envious in a more indirect way. Before you were in disastrous relationships and perhaps she felt superior to you and more in control of her life by comparison. Now, you suddenly have reassessed your past toxic relationships and found something genuinely good. This might have upset the power balance between you (in her mind) and she is the 'pathetic' one who flits from relationship to relationship. It may have nothing to do with him as a person but is all about you two and her perceived lower status. One thing I found after I recognised that I had been in two abusive relationships and stopped this pattern that I also had toxic and bordering on to abusive friends. It might be a good idea to really honestly assess your friendship with her.