My friend doesn't approve of my new beau :/

[duckingterrified]

I've been seeing this guy for about 5 months. I've known him for years, and to be honest I never really fancied him at first. But last year we got a little closer and he confessed he liked me. I started to look at him differently and eventually I made a pass at him and things took off from there.

I've been surprised at how different this relationship feels. There's no drama and he's very gentleman-like and mature. After a string of toxic exes it feels like a step in the right direction, but there's one person who doesn't approve -- my best friend.

She's become really standoffish with me since the relationship started, and she's often made comments like "If I'm honest, I don't think you're good together", "you never liked him before, why do you suddenly like him now?" and she's implied that I'm settling.

It's making me really confused and planting doubts in my head. Why does she feel so strongly about this? She doesn't fancy him (she's always told me so and he's not her type).

She's become so off with me that I can barely call her my best friend. Whenever I mention I'm going to see him she looks at me like I'm doing something wrong and it's upsetting me. When I try to have a heart to heart with her she gets defensive and changes the subject so I don't know what to do.

I'm now sat here in tears wondering if I should break it off with him because if my best friend thinks I'm stringing him along then maybe I am? I thought was just following my instincts and seeing where things would go but it feels like I'm causing so much stress right now!

What do your family and other friends think of him?

Similar thing happend to me. Best friend suddenly really off about the guy I had started seeing. First relationship that didn't have any drama. Long story short, I'm currently sat here on the sofa 6 years later next to my husband and haven't spoken to her in about 6 years! She didn't approve for no reason, but he's the love of my life. Turns out she was just a shit friend

She's the same sort of toxic as your ex's. Often if you have them as partners, you have them in other relationships too.

Other evidence might include: a tendency to one-up or compete with you, putting a dampener on your achievements, stealing your hobbies and interests, suddenly showing interest in ppl you fancy, coldness and lack of empathy for others, never being able to get a word in edgeways with her.

Same thing happened here. My DH was way into me before I into him but I did eventually realize he was a great guy. My so called best friend hated it and told me he was weird, it would never last etc etc
Ten years later, five years married and one DS we're very happy. So called best friend ran off to another country with a married man and I haven't spoken to her in a good few years. I've got no doubt it was jealously over the fact a good guy who wouldn't cause me any drama liked me. It meant her role as the shoulder to cry on when a crap boyfriend had done something wrong was redundant.
Follow your heart ❤️❤️

My ex best friend really doesn't like my BF and for absolutely no reason. She made no effort to get to know him, infact she didn't want to meet him and made excuses every time I tried to arrange a night out with her and her DH. Like you, if ever I mentioned him she'd shut me down, critise or pull a face. It got to the point I would hardly speak about him. We are so happy and it's an amazing relationship. He treats me with love and respect and is my biggest champion. She was happier when I was single or seeing shit, unreliable men.

It all came to a head when I received a message telling me I'd done something that upset her. She soon changed her rant towards my BF.

I'm still at a loss what her problem is with him. I'm happier than I've ever been. I couldn't wait for her to meet him and I never expected her to turn on us as she did.

There is no doubt in my mind about what a wonderful man he is and he still is nearly three years on.

Please don't let your friend spoil your happiness and something lovely.

I hate my best friends boyfriend, he's rude and horrible (at the beginning she regretted getting with him) they've just got engaged, I still can't stand him...but it's not my relationship!!
I still make the effort with my friend, I even try to me nice to her fiance! He still refuses to say hello!!!

I think regardless of her reasons, it's a bit unfair and immature to make it so uncomfortable for you. I try and put myself in her place and would never treat a friend like that, unless there was abuse!

To give her the benefit of the doubt, I wonder if she perhaps knows something about him that mean you could get hurt, and she's trying to warn you off but in a vague way? Do they have any mutual friends where that could be a possibility?

I certainly wouldn't make any rash decisions. If you are enjoying your time with him, keep seeing him. But I'd also have a mature and serious conversation with her saying it's not on to keep with the passive aggressive eye rolling etc whenever his name comes up, and either she tells you what's really going on, or she starts acting like a grown up and an actual friend and supporting your decisions as an adult.

Just to throw a bit of balance in here, I had a friend who kept having bad relationships, dated a lot, had 2 kids that were involved each time. She met someone that she thought was amazing. A mutual friend referred me to a newspaper article for 15 years prior where he had been involved in a racially motivated killing and served time in prison. I was caught between a rock and a hard place, she had kids I wanted to protect and it was a number of years ago and on the other hand she was happy, I didn't know whether she knew or not and I knew comments like the ones from pps would be thought. It was a hard time and I distanced myself from her relationship but not from the kids. We drifted apart and after a while I realised I'd lost my friend.
I'm not saying it's anything quite so severe for you, but may be worth a quiet conversation asking here if there is anything

It depends on her motives and how she views things.

She may he jealous or upset at losing you or she may think she sees you settling and is worried for you. But it's your choice and it's a shame it is driving you apart.

I remember years ago thinking a friend was settling but they are blissfully happy and been married for years. She had been married to an abusive man before and what I thought was passion was actually abuse.

She does fancy him. Why would she feel the need to always say she doesn't otherwise? The lady doth protest too much.

If not that, you're going to have to ask her what her actual problem is before it drives you two apart.

I’ve been in your situation but I was your friend too. In fact, I still am in your friends situation. My best friend is amazing but she’s just so desperate to be with someone that she’s settled for someone really dull not good enough for her in that he might be kind but he’s boring and she could do better and be happier. It’s sad to see someone you really care about settling for less than they’re worth and knowing they won’t be happy in the long run. I’ve been less obvious about my disapproval than your friend has though.

I think it sounds like jealousy too, saying that she may have a point if whenever you meet, the conversation is about your relationship or you are making him a number one priority in all circumstances then you can understand why she may feel aggrieved.
I am not saying you are ( although ppl in new relationships can unknowingly do this) but maybe she feels that is the case.

@Poorolddaddypig

How sad that your friend finding someone kind who makes her happy is not enough for you.

@Poorolddaddypig
He's boring to you, who says he is boring to her? She is happy with him, if he was boring to her she wouldn't be happy. Maybe she thinks your husband is boring too? Maybe I would think you are boring? Why does it matter?

I can’t stand my best friends boyfriend, and they both know my feelings but it’s their relationship at the end of the day! If you’re hoppy just get on with things.

My best friend married a twat, and she once heard me telling someone i didn't like him. Awful.

They are married and v happy but our relationship shifted. The way i see it is that he fulfills a side of her that i don't. We are still close but never do holidays etc together but we have found our own way.

Your friend is jealous and threatened. She doesn't sound like a friend. How dare she be so nasty? Your boyfriend sounds great. If he makes you happy don't let him undermine you.

I have witnessed this dynamic with two friends. They have a very strained relationship now. A is long long time single. I know she gets lonely and resents how her single friends become less available when they start families. I mean she can't tolerate any change to their contact, I am not talking about friends disappearing off the face of the earth. She is quite bitter about it. She is too old now for children.

I feel for her Other than that she's a great friend, very supportive and kind.
B had a series of medium relationships but hadn't met the right guy. A friend of a friend was interested in her. He's a little older and wouldn't be her usual type. She was hesitant but agreed to go out with him. After a few dates in she grew keener. The relationship developed, she is very happy with him. At every opportunity A was criticising him and stating as fact "he's not attractive" and sneering.

It's jealousy, nothing more. Personally I would distance myself.

Do you have a spark with your DP? Can she see something that's missing that you can't?

I think she is jealous of your relationship and she is worried she will lose her best friend. She is being really selfish in my opinion. I agree that she should voice her concerns but then that should have been it. I have been in her situation before and told my friend exactly what I thought then left it. If she really was your best friend she should be happy for you and if things do go wrong be there to pick up the pieces. Please don't break things off with him because of this, you will always wonder what if.