Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I stay with him and risk being hurt?

32 replies

CatsRidingRollercoasters · 23/02/2020 15:03

Fairly amicable split from my ex husband about a year ago. 3 dc who live with me. I met someone online last year and it's been going well, even though we only see each other about once a week (both work ft, he also has 3 dc, live in another town (less than an hour away and work near each other, but still, both busy).

I love him and can see us staying together and eventually introducing dc, living together etc etc. No rush for me but that's what I want in the future and I'd like it to be with him.

He's worried about his dc meeting someone new and how it might affect them if it didn't work out in the end. He wishes we'd met years ago before we met our exes and had dc together. He thinks we'd be really happy.

As it is though, he says that he hopes we stay together but he can't promise that he won't hurt me years down the line. He can't imagine introducing me to his dc at any point in the next few years because if it didn't then work out then they'd be hurt.

I don't want to rush things for my dc either but I'm not as terrified as him. There are no guarantees in any relationship. He seems to be afraid of the risk though.

I know he really cares for me and we're a good match. We're really happy together.

Don't know what I'm asking really. I suppose it's whether I should stay with him in the hope it does work out and risk being hurt. Or should I cut my losses now and be totally heartbroken and always wonder "what if?" I love him, I really do, and I think he feels the same. He's just trying to be honest - can't blame him for that really.

What to do?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/02/2020 15:05

he says that he hopes we stay together but he can't promise that he won't hurt me years down the line

Fuck me. He set his stall out quickly didn't he.

Original poster
CatsRidingRollercoasters · 23/02/2020 15:07

Yes I suppose he did!

OP posts:
Original poster
CatsRidingRollercoasters · 23/02/2020 15:07

Think he just needs to chill out a bit... But he gets very anxious so I don't want to be too blunt.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/02/2020 15:08

Blimey, he sounds a really negative piece of work.

Original poster
CatsRidingRollercoasters · 23/02/2020 15:12

Do you think? It's so difficult. He's really not a dick - he's very nice. He worries about everything though and he's got himself very worried because he can see our relationship progressing. Although why he'd be surprised at a relationship progressing I don't know.

OP posts:
rvby · 23/02/2020 15:15

Wow he is getting you right where he wants you, from the word go.

You're already explaining how you can't talk frankly with him because of his emotions...

My dear... you need to run. Yesterday. This guy is bad news.

user1481840227 · 23/02/2020 15:20

Did he get his heart broken in his last relationship?

PicsInRed · 23/02/2020 15:21

Fuck me. He set his stall out quickly didn't he.

Quite.

He's told you how it's going to go.
"You'll end up with nothing. Expect nothing."

He's promised, literally promised to break your heart. Unless you're a masochist, you're going to have to end this.

PicsInRed · 23/02/2020 15:22

In what way does his "anxiety" manifest itself?

bigchris · 23/02/2020 15:34

Oh This is sad

If he really loved you and wanted to be with you he'd want a future

Tell him you're leaving him and see if he gets anxious at the thought of being alone or you with someone else

Original poster
CatsRidingRollercoasters · 23/02/2020 15:42

His anxiety manifests itself in him having a sudden spiral where he doubts everything, doesn't know if he wants a relationship, worries he's not doing right by his dc etc. Basically buries himself in self doubt. He's had counselling for his MH problems.

He just feels massive guilt that his dc no longer have a traditional family and thinks they've been through a lot because of that. He worries a lot about doing right by them and thinks this could potentially be another thing they'd have to cope with IF it didn't work out. So safer to not go too far, not introduce a new partner, live with anyone new etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatsRidingRollercoasters · 23/02/2020 15:43

In terms of his split, it was fairly amicable. They just didn't love each other anymore and decided to end it. No affair or anything like that. Obviously never met her or heard her side.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 23/02/2020 15:45

So his "anxiety" manifests as him threatening to break up with you and you giving him lots of space and latitude to do what he wants?

He is psychologically controlling and manipulating you to accept less and less from any "relationship" and I use that term loosly with him, can't you see it?

This one's not a keeper, OP. Throw it back in the pond.

Original poster
CatsRidingRollercoasters · 23/02/2020 15:46

I know it's a big deal introducing dc to a new partner. It's not something I would do lightly either - unless I was as sure as I could be that I had a future with that person.

For me though, I left a very bad relationship and the dc and I are far happier now. I don't have sentimental views about the life we could have had as a 'traditional family', as that was never a real possibility with my ex.

OP posts:
AmelieTaylor · 23/02/2020 15:46

Wave him goodbye.

So SO many reasons. He’s going to be headache after heartache...he’s not the only fish in the sea.

He’s not amazing, he’s a headfuck that shouldn’t be dating.

PicsInRed · 23/02/2020 15:48

No affair or anything like that

...
Obviously never met her or heard her side.

This is key and you know it. Whether there was an affair or not, his behaviour is certainly unstable and and he appears to be highly manipulative.

PicsInRed · 23/02/2020 15:51

Having been in an abusive relationship previously, you are known to be more vulnerable to be targeted for another one.

Have you read the sticky at the top of the Relationships Board? "Just because you left a Level 10 Bastard, doesn't mean you need to settle for the next Level 8 Bastard that comes along."

Techway · 23/02/2020 15:52

How long ago did he separate? Are you both divorced?

A bit of skepticism is healthy after a relationship breakdown because no one assumes their marriage will end in divorce however it sounds like he hasn't processed the grief and maybe he is stuck. He is right to consider the impact on his DC as step families are certainly more challenging than bio families however he doesn't seem to be looking for solutions.

Also it is still early days for you, 1 year post separation isn't long so I would be cautious that you are moving quickly. Until you see him with his children you won't really know the real person so it is easy to love someone who you see at their "best".

Original poster
CatsRidingRollercoasters · 23/02/2020 16:09

Thanks for all the replies. Just feeling very anxious and stressed about it as I don't know where I stand. I want to tell him how sad I'm feeling and can't because it might send him into a crisis. Argh maybe I should just tell him how upset I am.

Both divorced. My marriage ended more recently, although it had been dead for a couple of years before that so the end was a relief. His was a couple of years ago. He says they no longer loved each other but he probably would have kept trying for the dc.

OP posts:
OldWomanSaysThis · 23/02/2020 16:09

Sounds like he is just looking to slot a woman into the role of "occasional girlfriend" without ever integrating lives. My guess is he is hiding something. No idea what.

He would not be keeping you at arm's length if he thought there was a future with you.

Has he ever introduced a girlfriend to his children? How old are they?

Original poster
CatsRidingRollercoasters · 23/02/2020 16:20

I'm his first relationship since the split, apart from a couple of brief flings which ended when he had a crisis.

Dc are fairly small - 4, 6 & 9

OP posts:
Original poster
CatsRidingRollercoasters · 23/02/2020 16:22

My dc are similar ages.

He has told his friends about me and I've met a few of them. All fine, nice and normal. He won't introduce me to his family though.

OP posts:
springydaff · 23/02/2020 16:37

He sounds like he's in a serious mess. Mostly guilt?

I don't think it's a good bet. Let him see what life without you is like. He doesn't sound ready.

Original poster
CatsRidingRollercoasters · 23/02/2020 16:46

Interesting point about seeing what life without me his like. He split up with me for 3 weeks back in the autumn because he wasn't ready for a relationship. He wanted to be friends and struggled when I said I might think about dating again, and then he changed his mind and asked me to give him a try, said he'd been an idiot etc. I took a few more weeks to take the risk but I've liked him so much right from the start. Love him now and have done for quite a while

OP posts:
SixesandEights · 23/02/2020 16:56

In no way is this man ready for a relationship. He needs to take himself off and seek professional help gor all his anxieties, not dump them all on you. If he does that then he can come back in a year's time when he's in a healthier state and the two of you can try again if you want that.

Right now he's a mess and you can't fix that.