Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are these red flags? What ones have you had beforr

41 replies

Helloandhi · 23/02/2020 10:21

Hi

I made another post (first one here) the other day where I said I didn't want to go into too much detail even though I kind of did anyway lol (fear of him seeing perhaps) but now I am throwing caution to the wind! Why would he be on here anyway.

We have had a rocky relationship since the beginning and I just wondered if you think the things below are red flags, would they put you off, and what kind of red flags have you experienced/made you end it? I have had more than one DV relationship so I am pretty cautious. But I also have poor mental health so I am not sure if I can trust my feelings or judgements.

Here were go, I probably will still not make it very detailed just in case:

  • Temper snapping over something v small early in relationship in public place, and in bed
  • Never been in a relationship longer than a few years, despite being older
  • Lots of big arguments from the start
  • Usually arguments end up being twisted as my fault
  • Not speaking for days after arguments, sulking, not resolving them. Normally I stay away myself after fights as I enjoy having the alone time as we see each other too often in my opinion
  • Little things not arguments but jokey things are always my fault, like ohh must have been you that left the remote there, I have said repeatedly I don't really enjoy getting the blame for everything even little things
  • Joking and making fun of me constantly, sometimes it is funny and I do laugh along but sometimes it is boring/tiring, it is never really harsh but it is always 'just a joke'
  • Love bombing at start
  • Occasionally turning up unannounced even though I have told him I don't like unexpected visitors, getting annoyed and sulky with me for having these boundaries
  • No friends, no life outside work whatsoever
  • When I have told him he intimidates me physically during arguments (like walking up to me and towering over me and me panicking as I am small and I have DV experience) rather than being apologetic etc he takes it as an insult and personal offence. Cannot see my perspective at all. Even though he did actually do something once involving touching me during argument (detail in other thread...)
  • Unable to handle any little criticism or different opinion/taste on anything, can get unnecessarily angry as result, a few big arguments caused because of this
  • Has said more than once what a nice guy he is. Do nice guys ever actually say that about themselves?!
  • Feel like I have just had a gut feeling it won't work/something isn't right since the beginning, the first time he snapped or we argued or whatever. But perhaps it was because I was not ready for a new relationship and getting to know a new guy who is totally different to the last one.

Thanks, and what are some that you have seen? He has some great qualities too, I care for him a lot. I am not perfect either. But my feelings have been very up and down.

OP posts:
Inarticulated · 23/02/2020 10:22

Sounds like hard work. I'd not bother.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 23/02/2020 10:23

Ha yes although he might say the same about me...
It has felt quite hard since the beginning

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 23/02/2020 10:25

You know these are red flags. You need to trust your judgement. You know you need to leave

userabcname · 23/02/2020 10:25

Sounds terrible. I'd dump him before it gets worse.

user12674246853 · 23/02/2020 10:25

You're in another abusive relationship.

Lllot5 · 23/02/2020 10:25

Ffs there are 3.5 billion men the world. Just find a nice one.

GertrudeCB · 23/02/2020 10:25

All red flags.

Pipandmum · 23/02/2020 10:26

They all sound like red flags other than the not having a relationship for more than a few years (mu longest before I got married was two years and I didn't get married till I was 40).
I don't think I could tolerate any of that behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2020 10:30

Those are all red flags here re him right down to the love bombing.

Am not at all surprised to read that your relationship has been rocky from the beginning. Its rocky because he is at heart an abusive individual. You cannot rescue, save or love someone like he better.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Why are you and he together at all?. These so called "great qualities" he has are probably the barest of bare minimums any one person does.

How low is your relationship bar here to have accepted any of this at all?. You sound vulnerable and I would also think you were targeted by him to boot. He is also likely the root cause of your own poor ongoing mental health too. You are going to have to ask your own self why you have apparently chosen to remain with him until now.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 23/02/2020 10:31

Yeah I know. I just thought a lot of things were my fault, the ups and downs due to my mental health. I like him so much but since the beginning I have had an internal battle of being not sure about it due to some of these things

OP posts:
Original poster
Helloandhi · 23/02/2020 10:32

I have tried to end it before but we always get back together because I am weak and I miss him and get lonely (not many local friends myself either) and he has been a good friend sometimes and I enjoy his company
I know it is my fault that I have not been able to put my foot down and end it properly

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2020 10:34

Please do yourself a huge favour here and love your own self for a change too.

Enrol yourself onto the "Freedom Programme" run by Womens Aid and do not date further at all until you have done this and have reestablished consistently higher boundaries for your own self. You have had more than one abusive relationship to date and are still very vulnerable to such approaches. You thus remain highly attractive for abusive types to use and abuse you. You can and must break this cycle for your own self (this is also why I asked you what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up).

Standrewsschool · 23/02/2020 10:34

From your title alone, you are doubting the relationship, and that, in itself, is a red flag. Time to end it as obviously you are not happy, and have concerns.

GilbertMarkham · 23/02/2020 10:35

Yes.

x 100.

Bananalanacake · 23/02/2020 10:36

Don't move in with him. have you tried walking away when he tries to argue, or does that make them more angry.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2020 10:37

End it by text message; you do not owe this man anything let alone a relationship here.

You need to remember here that his nice/nasty cycle towards you is a continuous one.

He will continue to make you feel weak and lonely because he will merely further try and isolate you socially. Your boundaries, already messed up to start with by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this individual. Do not let him and in turn you do this to you.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 23/02/2020 10:38

Thanks, when I was young my dad had s terrible temper and they were always fighting. He often critiqued my mum for her weight etc.
I actually had planned on remaining single indefinitely after last heartbreak before meeting this one. When this ends I still plan to. Just can't face any more heartbreak or abuse of any kind physical or otherwise

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/02/2020 10:38

Please run away from him!!!

Sign up to the friendship groups that exist to keep yourself busy and hopefully make some new friends.

He is horrid especially the trampling on your boundaries.

Original poster
Helloandhi · 23/02/2020 10:40

I certainly don't plan on ever living with another man again. This situation is hard as he does live nearby already. Hence why so easy for him to pop round whenever

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 23/02/2020 10:40

get lonely (not many local friends myself either) and he has been a good friend sometimes and I enjoy his company

Understandable (and I been there) but you're 100% right in thinking these are red flags and it's unlikely in the extreme that hi is behaviour is going to get any better (in fact the opposite is likely) so you're best to get out.

Try to build a social life, acquaintances, hobbies etc. I know it's not quite the same as a partner buf you'll meet another sooner or later.

GilbertMarkham · 23/02/2020 10:42

*I've been there

Original poster
Helloandhi · 23/02/2020 10:43

He doesn't really isolate me socially...I have done that myself. I always to my detriment end up putting relationships first and I am the type of person anyway that only has a few close friends rather than loads, since a young age.
But feels like we see too much of each other, in the honeymoon phase it was fine but now it is always me saying I want some alone time etc. He said he doesn't expect to see me all the time but I still feel like it as he never says to me he has other plans or wants alone time

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 23/02/2020 11:11

Big red flags. Too much drama and arguing considering how long you've been seeing him.

RantyAnty · 23/02/2020 11:12

He controlling and abusive. Look up emotional abuse.

MargeSimpsonswig · 23/02/2020 11:14

He's definitely abusive and there are so many red flags here OP. I suspect he is highly narcissistic, probably a covert narc (he's very passive aggressive and critical). Watch YouTube videos by little shamen on narcissism to help you recognise the red flags better

I used to date guy after guy like this and after years of being gaslighted, I often failed to trust my gut and would blame myself for all the relationship problems. He's already doing this to you and conditioning you to take responsibility for his shitty behaviour (classic narc red flag). Everything you have listed is an emotional abuse tactic which they commonly employ to control you.

I had to stay away from dating for over a year and learn everything i could about these types to stop myself from getting into another bad relationship. When you read up on it you will be able to spot the tactics much earlier on and extricate yourself before they can get their claws into you.

Feel free to PM me if you want me to explain in more detail. I have been through this many times and hope I can help prevent other women from going through what I have.

Flowers