Are these red flags? What ones have you had beforr

[Helloandhi]

Hi

I made another post (first one here) the other day where I said I didn't want to go into too much detail even though I kind of did anyway lol (fear of him seeing perhaps) but now I am throwing caution to the wind! Why would he be on here anyway.

We have had a rocky relationship since the beginning and I just wondered if you think the things below are red flags, would they put you off, and what kind of red flags have you experienced/made you end it? I have had more than one DV relationship so I am pretty cautious. But I also have poor mental health so I am not sure if I can trust my feelings or judgements.

Here were go, I probably will still not make it very detailed just in case:

• Temper snapping over something v small early in relationship in public place, and in bed
• Never been in a relationship longer than a few years, despite being older
• Lots of big arguments from the start
• Usually arguments end up being twisted as my fault
• Not speaking for days after arguments, sulking, not resolving them. Normally I stay away myself after fights as I enjoy having the alone time as we see each other too often in my opinion
• Little things not arguments but jokey things are always my fault, like ohh must have been you that left the remote there, I have said repeatedly I don't really enjoy getting the blame for everything even little things
• Joking and making fun of me constantly, sometimes it is funny and I do laugh along but sometimes it is boring/tiring, it is never really harsh but it is always 'just a joke'
• Love bombing at start
• Occasionally turning up unannounced even though I have told him I don't like unexpected visitors, getting annoyed and sulky with me for having these boundaries
• No friends, no life outside work whatsoever
• When I have told him he intimidates me physically during arguments (like walking up to me and towering over me and me panicking as I am small and I have DV experience) rather than being apologetic etc he takes it as an insult and personal offence. Cannot see my perspective at all. Even though he did actually do something once involving touching me during argument (detail in other thread...)
• Unable to handle any little criticism or different opinion/taste on anything, can get unnecessarily angry as result, a few big arguments caused because of this
• Has said more than once what a nice guy he is. Do nice guys ever actually say that about themselves?!
• Feel like I have just had a gut feeling it won't work/something isn't right since the beginning, the first time he snapped or we argued or whatever. But perhaps it was because I was not ready for a new relationship and getting to know a new guy who is totally different to the last one.

Thanks, and what are some that you have seen? He has some great qualities too, I care for him a lot. I am not perfect either. But my feelings have been very up and down.

Trust your gut feeling.

It will be right.

Sorry for being a bit off topic, but what is love bombing?

Every single thing on your post, even in isolation, sounds horrendous. Even one of those red flags and Id be out. Please end it.

Maybe you don't need a plan on how to end it but on how to care for yourself afterwards so you don't go back?

What do you think that kind of plan would need to look like?

Yep, these are all red flags and I would run for the hills, OP. The ones I experienced with my ex were the love bombing, ignoring me after an argument, unable to accept criticism, making fun of me, unable to take anyone having a different opinion/ tastes, arguments always ending up being my fault even though I knew deep down it wasn't my fault and most importantly the awful gut feeling right from the start that something was wrong.

He ended up being the worst boyfriend I've ever had and caused me a lot of confusion and upset. I wish I'd never laid eyes on him or at the very least had trusted my gut that had been absolutely screaming at me to get away from him.

Do yourself a favour and leave him, OP. Things will never get better and I promise you won't regret shutting him out of your life.

It sounds like a very rocky start. His behaviour also sounds great ingrained so I'd be gone in your shoes. It all sounds very tiresome and misery making

That sounds like an unpleasant combination of many definite red flags (my personal least-favourite combo is the constant piss taking and thin skin) and some circumstantial such as never having a long relationship and being a workaholic.

The bigger picture sounds pretty joyless though and that's what you should be looking at, how is all of this making you feel? I think you deserve better.

One of those items on your list would be considered a red flag for me. Do you value yourself so little that you are prepared to put up with this?
You do not need a man to give you self worth.

It sounds like you're already believing what he's telling you, which is that you are the problem. You're not the problem, he is. Get out before he messes with your head any further.

I bet you anything if you try to break up, he'll give you the speech about how no one else would put up with you

Thank you everyone. I do feel like I can be difficult due to my mental health. But every time we argue or I have tried to end things, it has always been blamed on my mental health it seems. It seems he doesn't really grasp that he is ever in the wrong. When we have had times of not speaking after arguments on the contrary my mental health is usually a lot better for a bit until I start getting lonely again

Also when I once asked why we go days without speaking after arguing (like I said in my post, I do this because it is actually a bit of relief to get space and alone time) all he said is because he is scared of me! He didn't elaborate further. I am tiny in comparison to him. I have shouted, done some ott shrieking I admit, etc just to be heard when we argue but that is it. I always end up crying in arguments. Maybe he is scared of me being angry and he is one of those guys that don't accept a woman can ever be angry or raise her voice. Or maybe twisting it onto me again

I’ll bet you a dime to a doughnut your mental health will improve once you get shot of this prick.

Yes if I give myself long enough and manage to stay away from him/avoid him or move entirely which I can't at the moment but think I probably will when financially able

He sounds horrid - more red flags than a beach in a storm!

If I believed that was a normal or desirable relationship, I would vow singledom forever. But I don't and I think you deserve better.

Good luck!

Erm.... without a shadow of a doubt chuck him!

You're shrieking and crying in arguments because he is a gaslighting, intentionally crazy-making arsehole.

Get shot of him and see how much better your mental health is.

Those aren't red flags, they're a big neon sign spelling out RUN.