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Original poster

AM I a 'mad cow' or is he being a Git? (long)

40 replies

pinboard · 22/02/2020 13:29

Married 20 years.
Early on it became clear we’d need icsi IVF to have any chance of children as H has MF infertility. I was keen to explore adoption / fostering but he was adamant he wanted ‘his own’ kids, so IVF it was.
We went through quite a lot of IVF which made me ill (I had an unusual reaction to the drugs). I had 2 difficult pgs (hyperemesis and SPD, on crutches) & 2 c-sections. Both babies in SCBU & both later dx'd as Autistic & Dyslexic/Dyspraxic. (H now tested +tive for both).

3 years ago, we were getting nowhere locally with support for the kids either with NHS assessment or LEA (rural area) so after much talking
we agreed that I would move with them to the next county to see if things were better (temp, as we didn’t know if would prove to be?)
I pay ALL my costs at this end. H pays my share of our joint mortgage (£250pcm) but no maintenance at all, even Xmas / Bday gifts to kids.
He visits the kids at mine at weekends as they don’t like to travel.
I cook / include him as I don’t want to provide the kids with a bad role model. But he loafs around like it is his home. Uses my car without asking, helps himself to food / uses the shower first (upsets Dd) etc

Both kids are now early teens and it is becoming more difficult.
I’ve said that H needs to put more into his children than turning up for Sunday Lunch / taking them to a movie. They need a LOT of emotional support as well as practical support (driving around etc)
There are lots of meetings with School as they struggle with provision
I am their Carer and cannot work and my life is very restricted (I rarely leave the house except for groceries and the odd long-planned day)

We had a Chat last weekend (or rather I did and he ‘listened’) I raised the above points. Again. If I ever 'push issues' I am being a 'mad cow'.
He says he is ‘happy for me to have the odd weekend away, and even to meet someone if I want to, as long as I don’t get re-married and move away’ (although i suspect he'd not be very bothered, as long as he could play the victim and blame me to his family / workmates)
He feels he ‘does as much as he can and I don’t understand how hard it is for him’ (apparently that means being lonely and having to drive)
He doesn't want to stay married to me (refused counselling when together yet 'doesnt want to spend money divorcing' either?)

I do All the caring for these children and ALL decisions have to be made by me and even if I get a day away, they are texting me for contact as they don’t have enough connection with him. He is unreliable re contact and does a lot of eye-rolling and sarcasm.
I think he ought to put a bit bloody more effort in if he wants to show around pics of them to his family (who’ve not bothered with me / kids for years now) or at work (he still gets preferential hours due to his ‘disabled child responsibilities’ which is a bit much tbh)

Its ALL about him - his 'trauma' that he needed IVF (most of the consequences were on me, but he still wont let me tell the kids), his 'difficulty' with them being Autistic (yet it is me that deals with the reality of this, eg helping dd with her sensory diet so she could leave the house yesterday whilst he sat revving the car, but, hey, he is doing me a 'favour' taking them out, right?'), his complaints about the petrol money to come and visit them?

Am I lucky that he helps out with his kids or is he a cockwomble
or is it somewhere in between?
I am so tired I can't even tell any more.
Sorry for the long and incoherent ramble.

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 22/02/2020 13:31

Divorce him and claim proper maintenance from him

Mallysmomma · 22/02/2020 13:36

Why haven’t you divorced him? You are essentially a single parent who needs and are entitled to more support in all areas than you are getting.

NoMoreDickheads · 22/02/2020 13:38

YANBU he does virtually fuck all. and shouldn't be calling you a 'mad cow,' that is emotional/verbal abuse. And he's self-obsessed.

goody2shooz · 22/02/2020 13:40

He doesn’t want to divorce as then he’d have to pay maintenance. He’s a complete waste of time, would your children actually miss him?

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 22/02/2020 13:41

What the first two posters said. He’s taking the absolute piss.

lazylinguist · 22/02/2020 13:43

Wtaf?! The move that you seem to be describing as purely a practical measure to get better help for your dc appears to be effectively a separation, and one which you'd be very justified in wanting, judging by your husband's unbelievably selfish behaviour.

Seriously, he has done a serious number on you. You have taken all the hits to your health, lifestyle etc and not only is he getting to play Disney dad while still being married to you, he actually thinks he's hard done-by and forbids you from getting any recognition or sympathy for what you've been through. Un-fucking-believable! Taking his own kids out is not a favour to anyone - they are his kids!!!

Trahira · 22/02/2020 13:44

Divorce him. This is a rubbish situation. If you're divorced you can sort out the finances properly and start to move on with your life.

Whynosnowyet · 22/02/2020 13:45

Divorce. Claim your share of all assets and claim Cms. Do not look back.
Your dc will lose nowt...

RandomMess · 22/02/2020 13:58

Yep divorce you will be financially better off if nothing else.

Original poster
pinboard · 22/02/2020 14:00

Thank you to those who've waded through my looong post.
Neither of us has any money.
I don't want to re-marry. He says he doesn't
So there seemed no rush for divorce.
(always something more critical to deal with re kids)
But its clearly not 'going anywhere' :(

And (not to dripfeed, sorry) he wants me to give him money for a flat for him (if I want to move back to the family home he wants me to 'buy him out' - its only a few thousand, but it's ALL I've got - ooof).

Its the stupid things - I was given a big box of fancy chocs for Xmas.
I was passing them round with a film last night (i've taught kids all snacks are offered round). He was happy to have plenty. He then went and got himself a bag of crisps. He then left the bag on the floor and stropped when I asked him to pick it up. He asked for my phone, he wants my car (all dressed up with, 'well, you can get a better one')

I didnt have my Father growing up so I've bent over backwards.
I know he has ASD, I know he's prone to depression
But he's such a TAKER and good at getting his needs met (first!)
Ahhh, shit. I've been a fool, haven't I?

OP posts:
WizardOfAus · 22/02/2020 14:01

Divorce.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 22/02/2020 14:03

Divorce his selfish twatty arse right now and don't let him in your house again.

EmmaOvary · 22/02/2020 14:04

Sounds like you have three children, not two.

EmmaOvary · 22/02/2020 14:06

Also, quit frankly, fuck his ASD and being prone to depression. He just sounds like a narcissist to me. What do any of you get out of the relationship? Doesn't sound like your kids get anything from him either.

LannieDuck · 22/02/2020 14:07

You need clearer boundaries. Is he in or out?

If he's in, then he needs to do half the childcare... which I'm guessing makes him out Hmm

So you need to divorce, and he needs to pay maintenance, take the kids every other weekend (or whatever you agree) so you get some time off, and he needs to stop using your stuff - food/car etc.

Arguing about the house and who gets what will form part of the divorce. With two special needs kids, you're likely to get the house, at least until they're adults.

RandomMess · 22/02/2020 14:08

Yes you've been a fool...

What about his pension? You need to divorce, the DC need to be housed and it may be that there is nothing left for him Hmm

BumbleBeee69 · 22/02/2020 14:12

dear lord what did I just read ..... OP get shot of him.. DIVORCE

Original poster
pinboard · 24/02/2020 08:10

Thank you for the input everyone.

I had a 2nd brief chat to him yesterday after he'd complained that the sofa was uncomfortable for his back. I pointed out that he gets to see his kids in an easy way for him and which they can also cope with

I asked what he was prepared to contribute from here on in, and he said he 'aims' to pay some maintenance and (more importantly really?) he 'aims' to give the kids some 'support'. Oh, dear :(

He seems determined to remain stuck in 'poor me' and is happy for the kids and I to be stuck in that too, so he can tell tales of woe to himself (and his family? he doesnt have any friends). Over the years, every time I've suggested an improvement to our (admittedly difficult, but other people have difficult too) circumstances, he then explains why it 'won't work' or simply outright sneers at me. Its really sad.

I don't know if either of us can afford to divorce (I'm on Carers allowance and he earns £25K pa and there is shedloads of debt).

Ugh.

OP posts:
Palavah · 24/02/2020 08:19

You need to at least see a solicitor for a free first appointment. Gather together what info you can first - mortgage and property value, his earnings (are you sure it's only £25k?, Bonuses? Pension? Overtime?) and debts.

Whynosnowyet · 24/02/2020 08:19

Regain your self respect and sanity. Divorce him. Exh left me with debt. Paid absolutely the minimum the companies would accept. No issue. I was honest and they were fine. Do not use debt as an excuse to tolerate this crap.

MissBPotter · 24/02/2020 08:27

Honestly you are shouldering all the burdens here and he is doing almost nothing. Why is it his decision all the time that is the one that goes?!? I would definitely tell the kids they were conceived via IVF if you think it appropriate, now they are teens.

I would also think that if you got divorced you would be better off financially as he would have to pay some maintenance and there might be some more structure. I would have thought the fact that you’re looking after kids with additional needs full time would mean you would get the house as well but I can’t be sure of this.

Either way stop doing anything for him, see a solicitor, gather evidence about what you do versus what he does and what he actually earns and just focus on you and the kids, not his pathetic ‘needs’.

Original poster
pinboard · 24/02/2020 08:38

Yes I will go to see a lawyer.
I did see (an old male one) last year for 30mins but he said: 'oh, so he's worked and you've 'just' looked after the kids all these years?' in a 'you-should-be-paying-him' kind of way. I dont think he grasped the kids ASD / school issues (they are part time) etc at all. It knocked my confidence a bit so I didnt try another.

I see to the kids needs, not his and I've tried to be 'civil' for their sakes when he is around. eg If i am cooking Sunday roast, it seems petty and spiteful not to include him - i dont want to teach them that. But i got SO fed up with him sitting back like John Bull with his cutlery raised waiting for his brimming plateful that now i dish up for the kids (dyspraxic) then me, then tell him to help himself if he wants some. I dont suppose that's the best 'model' for them either, despite my good intentions - I can see that that has given them a mixed message.

OP posts:
5LeafClover · 24/02/2020 09:07

Stop bending over backwards making life easier for him. Look at how little effort he's putting into making life easier for you.

For Sun lunch , for example, tell him that he either turns up at x time ( to suit you) and does y( whatever help you need) or to eat first and turn up at z time ( after lunch). If he turns up as usual, go to the door and ask him to come back because he is too early.

He is using your fear of confrontation in front of the children against you but perhaps you should be working hard to show them how to set and hold respectful boundaries?

Please see a solicitor and perhaps your doctor for some counseling. You are in a difficult situation and will need support to stand up to him. Otherwise he will take, take, take without a second thought for his impact on you. 💐

mylittleboo · 24/02/2020 09:19

Hang on a minute. You say “am I lucky he helps out with his kids” but he doesn’t. He visits on a weekend with you doing everything. If you split, he would have to look after them on his own and you’ll get time off. Is there equity in the family house? If you split, divorce, you’ll get your equity. He’s earning a salary? How much? You’ll get CMS plus single parent benefits. Have you actually worked out the numbers financially with a solicitor if you did divorce?

mylittleboo · 24/02/2020 09:20

Oh and go see a young female solicitor who specialises in divorce. That old lawyer had no clue. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been a SAHM. You’ve got rights.