AM I a 'mad cow' or is he being a Git? (long)

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Married 20 years.
Early on it became clear we’d need icsi IVF to have any chance of children as H has MF infertility. I was keen to explore adoption / fostering but he was adamant he wanted ‘his own’ kids, so IVF it was.
We went through quite a lot of IVF which made me ill (I had an unusual reaction to the drugs). I had 2 difficult pgs (hyperemesis and SPD, on crutches) & 2 c-sections. Both babies in SCBU & both later dx'd as Autistic & Dyslexic/Dyspraxic. (H now tested +tive for both).

3 years ago, we were getting nowhere locally with support for the kids either with NHS assessment or LEA (rural area) so after much talking
we agreed that I would move with them to the next county to see if things were better (temp, as we didn’t know if would prove to be?)
I pay ALL my costs at this end. H pays my share of our joint mortgage (£250pcm) but no maintenance at all, even Xmas / Bday gifts to kids.
He visits the kids at mine at weekends as they don’t like to travel.
I cook / include him as I don’t want to provide the kids with a bad role model. But he loafs around like it is his home. Uses my car without asking, helps himself to food / uses the shower first (upsets Dd) etc

Both kids are now early teens and it is becoming more difficult.
I’ve said that H needs to put more into his children than turning up for Sunday Lunch / taking them to a movie. They need a LOT of emotional support as well as practical support (driving around etc)
There are lots of meetings with School as they struggle with provision
I am their Carer and cannot work and my life is very restricted (I rarely leave the house except for groceries and the odd long-planned day)

We had a Chat last weekend (or rather I did and he ‘listened’) I raised the above points. Again. If I ever 'push issues' I am being a 'mad cow'.
He says he is ‘happy for me to have the odd weekend away, and even to meet someone if I want to, as long as I don’t get re-married and move away’ (although i suspect he'd not be very bothered, as long as he could play the victim and blame me to his family / workmates)
He feels he ‘does as much as he can and I don’t understand how hard it is for him’ (apparently that means being lonely and having to drive)
He doesn't want to stay married to me (refused counselling when together yet 'doesnt want to spend money divorcing' either?)

I do All the caring for these children and ALL decisions have to be made by me and even if I get a day away, they are texting me for contact as they don’t have enough connection with him. He is unreliable re contact and does a lot of eye-rolling and sarcasm.
I think he ought to put a bit bloody more effort in if he wants to show around pics of them to his family (who’ve not bothered with me / kids for years now) or at work (he still gets preferential hours due to his ‘disabled child responsibilities’ which is a bit much tbh)

Its ALL about him - his 'trauma' that he needed IVF (most of the consequences were on me, but he still wont let me tell the kids), his 'difficulty' with them being Autistic (yet it is me that deals with the reality of this, eg helping dd with her sensory diet so she could leave the house yesterday whilst he sat revving the car, but, hey, he is doing me a 'favour' taking them out, right?'), his complaints about the petrol money to come and visit them?

Am I lucky that he helps out with his kids or is he a cockwomble
or is it somewhere in between?
I am so tired I can't even tell any more.
Sorry for the long and incoherent ramble.

@mylittleboo

He doesn't help out much in my eyes?
I am physically disabled, so not any good for taking them on long walks / day trips etc so he did quite a bit of that when they were younger. They are now more reluctant (young teens) but it will still happen sometimes. Due to their ASD it can be hard work (ie he took them to the cinema on Sat but I had to do all the prep / help DD who was sobbing re leaving the house by doing her sensory diet with her etc whilst he sat revving the car (mine, he was 'low on petrol').
Both kids texted me about 20 times during the 4 hours he had them out (its okay if thats what they need to get out into the world). He then comes back expecting endless gratitude for having 'given me a break'. It's gone on for so many years now Its hard to know whether its my judgement (he's a bit crap) or his (I'm lucky he does what he does) thats skew whiff iyswim?

I suspect it's him as whatever I ask him to do re the kids he will always do it differently / wrong time / not at all. Then he will slump on the sofa saying there is 'no point trying as he will only get it wrong'.
I've grown too exhausted to try to 'understand' him any more - my kids come first. But I wonder if this is what's called 'gaslighting' ie he sets things up to fail so he can be the 'injured party' / scoot off to (our old marital home) carefree?

(sorry, bit of a protracted whinge there!)

Sounds like he needs to take them out more often - the more he does it, the more used to it the kids will be. If he's low on petrol, he can drive to a petrol station with the kids?

Reset your baseline expectations - he should be doing half. That's half of all transport to/from school, half of all meals for them (provided by him, not out of your store cupboard), half of all childcare for the times they aren't in school, half of all doctors appointments, half of all new clothes etc etc.

(Yes, if he works you'll do more of the home stuff, but in that case he should be providing financially instead. Which he doesn't... which brings me back to doing half of all the childcare.)

Now consider what he actually does. Do you still feel lucky that he 'does so much'?

I suspect he has ASD too
(not dx'd except he's taken a number of online internet assessments)
and he has Dyslexia so executive function can be difficult.
BUT... I also have disabilities and so do the kids and apparently its only HIS that need to be constantly worked around.

I didnt want to set the kids a bad example of Divorcing their Father because of the above, but it's not the ASD its the gitty behaviour that I cant stand any more and keeping putting up with that in front of them is probably worse?

Turning up and taking the kids out occasionally is hardly helping at all. And anyway, a father shouldn't be 'helping a bit' with his own kids, as though he's some minor relative. He should be parenting them. I'm afraid you have been conditioned into having extremely low expectations, OP.

He’s an absolute tosser and by not divorcing him you are allowing and even encouraging his bad behaviour. You’re almost enabling it? Like if you’re still married you’re still sort of a team and so he can be as lazy as he wants and it doesn’t matter as you’re picking up all the hard work. If you get divorced then he will have to really start to make the effort both with his time and financially - and you can get CM before it’s too late and the kids are adults! I think he’s an arse but you’re not really helping matters by not divorcing him.

I would also say it’s setting more of a bad example to the kids by remaining with him. Would you want your kids to stay in a marriage like this and be treated like this? You’re in limbo now OP and it’s not healthy for any of you.

OP he's running down the clock to your teenagers no longer require maintenance and he'll want a divorce then guarantee it.

There's no nice way of saying this but you are being an absolute mug.

Do you claim single person exemptions? Is the child benefit paid to you?

Your paying all the running costs of your new household so just force a sale of the house that's mortgaged and then get him to pay CMS, your immediately better off.

You realise that as you've been living seperately and he's been paying all the mortgage that if he gets a good lawyer he could make a claim for what he's been paying since you moved out to be his share.

You need fantastic representation and to get your finger out.

H pays my share of our joint mortgage (£250pcm) but no maintenance at all

Ohh, I missed that.

Yes, divorce him and formally apply for CMS. If he can no longer afford the mortgage, you can take over any shortfall in the payments (using his CMS money!)

That way you get the same income from him (£250pcm), the same bills get paid (the mortgage), but you end up with the equity in the property instead of him.

If i go back the mortgage payments are £500 pcm.
If he pays me CM then i still need to find the other £250.
As i am on Carers allowance, I cant earn much (not likely anyway with kids needs and no reliable 'cover' for them) but presumably he then wouldnt have to pay 'his' share of the mortgage too if he wasnt living there?

Have you looked at Universal Credit op?
You might be entitled to something to help bridge the shortfall?

I am already in receipt of the relevant benefits, but thanks, fastliving x

Do you think he would refuse to pay his half of the mortgage out of spite?

No, but if he was paying maintenance and rent for himself he might not be able to afford it (he genuinely does earn £25K, no bonuses /overtime available in his line)

What are you paying on your current property then?