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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found messages on my boyfriends phone

27 replies

Mariaquartz · 22/02/2020 11:31

Me and my boyfriend have been together for four years but for the past six months have been very up and down. Last night I looked on his phone (after seeing him type the passcode in so knowing what it was) and found that he had Tinder. He works abroad a few times a month and I found evidence that on many of these trips he has messaged random women. One of them he has asked to come to his hotel and actually given the name of the hotel too. They agreed to meet the next day but the next day he messaged her to say he was working late so couldn’t. Of course the point is that he would have done, had she said there and then I’m on the way then I’m sure it would have ended in sex. He was messaging me at the same time, sending me photos of his hotel room. I don’t know what I feel. Disgust, of course, but I’ve said nothing. I feel like I’m biding my time but I’m not sure what for. The most recent message is from 2 weeks ago. I know I should just leave but don’t feel like I’ve got the strength to confront it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mariaquartz · 22/02/2020 11:31

I really feel like no man is trustworthy

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 22/02/2020 11:33

That's very tough OP but you know this is a total deal breaker.

User06 · 22/02/2020 11:51

You know the answer.

RA890 · 22/02/2020 11:56

Very upsetting thing for you to discover, OP. But you know there really isn't any coming back from this. If you are not ready to leave yet, maybe start spending a bit more time with friends, take up a new hobby/course, just set yourself up so that when you do split from him you are not left feeling lost and you have people/activities to keep you busy.

LittleWing80 · 22/02/2020 11:57

It’s tough, I’m sorry this is happening to you. Do you really need to confront it? You have all the evidence you need.

Do you live together? Have children? Maybe preparing to pack and leave when he is away next might be easier and message him it’s over?

I know that punch in the guts feeling but you will be ok OP x

munzero · 22/02/2020 12:08

Take pictures of everything on your phone and send it to him.

Original poster
Mariaquartz · 22/02/2020 12:50

How would people confront? He is away again on Monday. Maybe I will text, “hope you’re having a nice time on Tinder! When you get back shall we have a talk about the logistics of selling our flat?” I’m so scared of being alone though. He thinks I am just “in one of my moods” today and has gone out in a huff.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 22/02/2020 12:56

It's way more lonely being in a relationship with someone you can't trust than actually being alone ime. Fear is the worst possible reason to stay with him, you survived before him and you will again. Don't accept this as good enough, you're worth more than that OP Flowers

dontgobaconmyheart · 22/02/2020 12:59

Why send a passive aggressive text though? While he is away it isn't as though any productive conversation can be had.

You know what he's done so why not just end it, you don't need his agreement or input to do so and I'm sure he'll deny and minimise it when it is brought up. Being alone isn't a bad thing OP, and is far better than being with someone who cheats on you and lies to you. I wouldn't waste a minute more of life than I had to with someone who placed my value so low.

He has also endangered your health, you must get a sexual health test OP.

User06 · 22/02/2020 13:03

I would just say ‘we need to talk’ and tell him what you’ve found. You can’t do any more than that. You need to have a conversation. A text will Mean he can come up with any story he likes and doesn’t mean you can talk properly.

annabell22 · 22/02/2020 13:09

Put the flat on the market and send him the link on Right Move with an explanation as to why your relationship is over.

RLEOM · 22/02/2020 13:17

This man will continue to cheat so don't fall for his lies if he decides to spew them when you both talk.

Be upfront, cold, distant. Tell him you know he's been cheating via Tinder, you won't stand for it, and you're putting your property on the market.

If he pleads or begs, ignore. Only discuss arrangements regarding your property. In any other scenario I'd say to hear him out but not with a cheater, cheaters never change and are full of lies.

Good luck!

Original poster
Mariaquartz · 22/02/2020 13:20

I’d honestly be less upset if I found out he’d had a drunken ONS - this is over MONTHS which means he felt no guilt from one time to the next.

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 22/02/2020 13:20

Agree with Annabel22.

Sexnotgender · 22/02/2020 13:22

Being alone is sooo much better than being in a relationship with a cheating lying arsehole. I was scared when I ended my marriage but it was the best thing I ever did.

I was single for about 4 years and it was great. I am now happily remarried.

Don’t be scared of being on your own Flowers

joystir59 · 22/02/2020 13:27

Just tell him the relationship is over and you need to talk about separating your living arrangements as soon as possible.

BlueHarry · 22/02/2020 13:29

I'm so sorry op. I don't think a confrontation is needed as such, just tell him that you know and that it's over. There's really no excuse for what he did. It's not like he got drunk and ended up in bed with a colleague, not that, that's ok but at least there's some kind of excuse. He was actively looking to hook up with other women. What a creep.

Windmillwhirl · 22/02/2020 13:35

What a horrible shock for you. I would take photos as well so he can't lie about his behaviour and get away with it.

This relationship has run its course because the trust is gone. You deserve so much better.

YouJustDoYou · 22/02/2020 13:40

Im so sorry OP. You will never be able to trust him again, he has destroyed everything. I understand what you mean re no man being trustworthy. Even the ones where everyone who knows them says what an amazing, kind, wonderful guy he is etc, turns out he's a secret sex worker user or something.

AnyFucker · 22/02/2020 13:43

Whilst you are procrastinating over whether to lower yourself by staying with this faithless wanker, don't sleep with him without a condom

And get that sti check booked asap

sheisthecatsmum · 22/02/2020 13:47

There's no argument here you just need to say that you know what he's done and the flat needs selling ASAP. Get legal advice before hand to make sure it's all done fairly. Don't leave. Might be worth waiting til he goes on Monday so you can have some time without him doing the whole "I can't believe you went through my phone" instead of taking responsibility for him being a cheating shit stain

TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 13:48

Be upfront, cold, distant. Tell him you know he's been cheating via Tinder, you won't stand for it, and you're putting your property on the market.

If he pleads or begs, ignore. Only discuss arrangements regarding your property. In any other scenario I'd say to hear him out but not with a cheater, cheaters never change and are full of lies.

This

Why not go see an estate agent today.

QuiteTiredOut · 22/02/2020 13:49

Being on your own is better than being in relationship with a cheater.

Of course some men are trustworthy. Some are lovely and amazing and will treat you how you deserve to be treated. But it’s not this man.

Be prepared for him to minimise everything and try and make out you’re making things up. Oh and that it’s obviously you’re fault (which it isn’t).

Screenshot everything and get an STI test. You can do a better than him.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 22/02/2020 14:00

Being alone is sooo much better than being in a relationship with a cheating lying arsehole.

This. I'm almost excited for you to get through this shit bit to the other side where you think thank FUCK I found out!

Sort out all your logistics now. Flat, moving, telling people for support, any joint money, valuations, etc. Get a plan for yourself in place with one or two people who can help, advise and support you - along with the MN army obviously.

Having a plan will give you the strength to end it because it won't feel like you're going from what's familiar to a gaping hole of uncertainty. You'll know where you are going to an extent because you'll have a plan and some handholds.

Then when you're ready, calmly tell him it isn't working and you want to split up.

You can give him a reason - you know he is on tinder, won't be disrespected in that way and it's made you 100% sure you want to split and won't be changing your mind. Or, you can simply say the relationship isn't working for you anymore, it's over and rinse and repeat until he understands.

I'm sorry OP but in the end, finding this out now will be one of the best things that ever happened to you Thanks

BumbleBeee69 · 22/02/2020 14:17

everyone on here is correct OP.... if you accept this unfaithfulness now.. you're accepting for life... tell him you know and it's over... I work overseas for long periods of time and my marriage would not work without complete trust.. please do not accept this ... he has destroyed any trust you shared.. 🌺

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