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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he hit me, I left. Feeling guilty

40 replies

Mooncancer15 · 22/02/2020 01:22

Hello All
I have never done this before but I feel as though I need to get things off my chest.
I’m in my 30’s have 2 beautiful children. Last year I left my husband as he had hit me quite a few times. Never marking me and leaving bruises my still he hit me. Punches In the leg, in the arm, pulled my hair back aggressively with my new born in my arms, and the one that topped it off smacked me in the face while my kids were watching in the backseat of my car.
My issue is, I never felt like I was married to a monster, or in a controlling relationship. He never cared what I did, where I went, what I spent money on but our arguments always got out of control.
We slept in separate rooms for a long time and I feel as though the spark went...he said I did not pay him attention since the kids were born, which I probably didn’t. I got no help with my kids. Always doing everything alone....
My biggest issue I am facing now is the constant thoughts of going back as I yearn to “feel normal again” every morning I wake up feeling sick and have to run to the toilet because I have diharea. I never feel completely happy.
Since we split he is the most wonderful dad to our kids and of course very sorry for everything...I just hate he could not be like that when we were together. I want my girls to have their parents together but also scared if I go back I will be all the way back to the start again. Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve done and this by far is the hardest time in my life.

Thanks for listening 🌸

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 22/02/2020 01:24

Do you want your girls to grow up to have relationships where they are physically hurt and abused?

Would that be ok with you?

Really think about it. Imagine their pain and shame and fear.

Is that ok? For your girls?

No?

Well it’s not ok for you either.

So don’t you dare go back into a situation where those girls will grow up thinking daddies hit mummies and mummies stay.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/02/2020 01:26

Oh and Flowers You do the right thing. Stay strong.

Nancydrawn · 22/02/2020 01:54

I'm really sorry, OP. Are you getting any RL support, particularly from a professional (counselor, DV specialist, support group, even police)?

timeisnotaline · 22/02/2020 01:58

You did the right thing. I think never helping with the kids is a solid reason to leave on its own- you’ve made him be a better dad by leaving and set a solid example to your children. Well done op.

Hidingtonothing · 22/02/2020 02:39

I think how you feel is completely understandable OP, it's ok to grieve what you've lost and to be sad that he couldn't be the partner you deserve. But, and it's a big but, there is unfortunately no way around the fact that going back is effectively a green light for him to hit you again, should the mood take him. Going back proves to him that there are no consequences, he can hit you and he still won't lose you so why not?

It's harsh but you need to close the door, once and for all so you can start to move on. It sounds stupid but have you made any changes to your home since he went? Moved the furniture around, repainted your bedroom, bought new bedding even? Sometimes we need a physical symbol that things have changed before we can move on in our heads.

What about your social life? Hard with kids I know but are you managing to do anything enjoyable for yourself? Whichever way you look at it he will have left a huge gap in your life and the only way to deal with that is to fill it with other stuff. If you don't fill it you feel his absence and that's dangerous because that feeling can override all the reasons you left him in the first place.

Are you having to see a lot of him for hand overs with DC etc? Could someone else do the hand overs for a while? Contact needs to be bare minimum between you for a while, you need space to heal and start to build your life back up, it's time to focus on you now Flowers

ThrowThoseCurtainsWide · 22/02/2020 02:45

Is there a freedom programme near you? I was really wary about going, but it really is helping me see things for what they actually were.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php

unhappytraveller · 22/02/2020 02:49

It will never be okay though.
Just don’t let your mind even consider it.
You were brave and strong to leave. Keep on being brave and strong. Honestly Mooncancer15 being punched by the person who is supposed to care about you, have your back, is just all wrong.
And you know the violence always, always escalates, don’t you?

usernameishistory · 22/02/2020 02:51

Whats your thoughts around your dc?

If hes physically violent to you, why does he have access to his dc?

Do you think they will be able to stop him hitting them? How?

This isn't finished, he needs to not have dc. Hes a violent man, and dc will live in fear of him.

They've seen him doing it to you, and you couldn't stop him, they will be very scared of him, yet they go to him? Alone?

2020maddog · 22/02/2020 02:55

So, he can be alright when he needs to be, just not when he should be?

And now he can pay attention to his children, although he didn't before?

You will never have a normal relationship with this man.

If you go back, the abuse will continue, and get worse. Don't put yourself, or your children, through this again.

CorianderLord · 22/02/2020 03:00

People go back and end up dead

argueifnecessary · 22/02/2020 03:05

It is horrible that he hit you. Really really horrible. Is he willing to take an anger management course? I believe if a man is not the tyrant controlling type, there is a way of stopping the violence but it takes a lot of work and will. I have recently read about this man who went to therapy and was able to stop lashing out and reflect on his previous violence. This is not to say they won't lose control again.
My own parents had a relationship similar to this. They were both violent towards each other and split after 7 years which I am so glad about but I know (to some extent it is a relief) that my dad was not the tyrant type and their arguments just got really out of hand. He is much older now of course and a really calm man.
OP, I say that again, I am so glad and thankful that my parents split when they did and I didn't have to witness any more of the fights. I suspect your children will be too. You did the right thing by leaving. I do however have a good relationship with both my parents now and we even went to a zoo together not long ago and they got on very well with each other. The best thing to do now is to be friendly and look after your DC.
Hang in there, you might find a partner more suited to you soon, you never know.

Paradoxk1 · 22/02/2020 03:52

Domestic abuse is never acceptable and you should not feel guilty for leaving, my cousin was in an abusive relationship and I saw what she went through. I ended up going round there with her brother to remove him....

She saw sense and did not let him back in.... she is now in a relationship with a really nice guy and very happy....

wrinkledimplelover · 22/02/2020 04:01

You did really well to leave. It doesn't matter that the wasn't the tyrant type. He wasn't good for you and he wasn't afraid to abuse you in front of your kids.

Maybe you're dreaming of a good relationship? One where you feel cherished, loved and respected? You see him bring nice to the kids and so imagine that maybe there's a possibility it could be that if you got back together with him. In the beginning it may be great. But you will never, ever feel relaxed and safe, because you will always know that whenever he decides, he can hurt you.

The relationship you want may exist, but because of his actions, not because of anything you did or didn't do, because of his CHOICE, he can never be safe for you.

And it's worth remembering it's a choice. I'm assuming he's not violent with the kids? He doesn't pull his boss' hair? Or colleagues or clients if he has them? Has never punched their legs? This man made a choice to hurt you. If you ever go back to him, regardless of any promises he makes, you'll always know in the back of your mind that he can hurt you, whenever he feels like it, because he already has - and you getting together would be saying you accept that risk. Which for an abuser is a green light.

If you've been feeling physically bad though for a while, perhaps an appointment with the GP would be away to help you on the road to feeling better. Nobody feels good with a dodgy tummy.

usernameishistory · 22/02/2020 14:14

Argue go to anger management courses! Grin

He should be running them, he is the absolute master of managing his anger, have you not seen that these abusers rage when its going to have the most impact to scare the victim and not look bad on them.

Yet you think his anger is in some way out of control. No, no, its very much in his control, don't be silly.

Manufactured anger is what it is.

usernameishistory · 22/02/2020 14:16

A man's who's violent is violent to his dc, because he has power over them, especially when he on his own with them.

This is brutal reality, not some fantasy to play taking risks with dc over.

Original poster
Mooncancer15 · 23/02/2020 08:16

Thank you all so much for replying to my message, your words really do help me stay strong in my choices 🌸

OP posts:
SylvanianFrenemies · 23/02/2020 08:25

It's totally understandable to feel like this.

But doesn't it hurt that you can see he chose to act like this? He can turn it off, and switch it on.I

If you feel.weak, think back to him assaulting you as you held your precious baby. Your children deserve more than thinking that this is what a relationship is.

Original poster
Mooncancer15 · 23/02/2020 08:34

I do think about that all the time 😓 it breaks my heart but helps me remind myself why I have done this. My daughter was 7 days old and i was also holding my 2yo. I was also post c section...terrible moment 💔

OP posts:
category12 · 23/02/2020 08:53

Have you done any counselling or the freedom programme? I think it would be wise to get yourself some real life support to stay out of the relationship. You did the right thing leaving Flowers, now it's learning to detach and not be sucked back in.

Do nice things for yourself, start putting a bit of money aside for a break away or something you'd like to do (even if it's a tiny amount at a time), have a plan and something to look forward to for you and the dc.

Limit contact with him (doorstep handovers, no chit-chat, only exchanges about the practicalities).

AnnaMagnani · 23/02/2020 09:03

When you say he is the most wonderful dad to your kids, what does he actually do?

It is easy to have a fun weekend with kids who are excited to see their dad, and take them out to the cinema/MacDonalds/round to relatives/out to events.

However that is not parenting. That is being a fun uncle.

When he lived with you did he - help get them to school on time, help with their home work, do their washing, make sure you had enough money for all the stuff they needed, do bath and bed time, read to them, be interested in school and go to parents evenings, remember their sports kit, back you up when disciplining them etc etc etc.

That is being a wonderful dad. You have already said he was no help with the kids.

What he is now is a fun uncle.

Boireannachlaidir · 23/02/2020 09:13

You are absolutely amazing for leaving him, that must have been incredibly difficult to do. I can understand why it still feels difficult for you and that you want to return to the "normality" of family life.

Abusive relationships are weird as when they're being okay they lull you back into a false sense of security, it can be almost comforting. But OP then the time will come when he'll hit you again and you'll wonder why you returned. It may be harder to leave again.

Please don't go back to him. You may not think you deserve better but you do. So do your girls. Please get professional help as suggested on here. Thanks

Original poster
Mooncancer15 · 23/02/2020 09:31

AnnaMagnani No he never did any of those things - I was at it alone. Plus I worked full time...you are very right with what you are saying. Thank you 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/02/2020 09:34

I'd say win win.
You got rid of an abuser and your children got a better father.

Remember that he may be sorry in words. Even in his heart. But can you trust he won't revert to his old self? I wouldn't.

category12 · 23/02/2020 09:35

"Disney dad" is the expression for what he is.

Lweji · 23/02/2020 09:37

Whatever he is now, at least you have some time for yourself.