he hit me, I left. Feeling guilty

[Mooncancer15]

Hello All
I have never done this before but I feel as though I need to get things off my chest.
I’m in my 30’s have 2 beautiful children. Last year I left my husband as he had hit me quite a few times. Never marking me and leaving bruises my still he hit me. Punches In the leg, in the arm, pulled my hair back aggressively with my new born in my arms, and the one that topped it off smacked me in the face while my kids were watching in the backseat of my car.
My issue is, I never felt like I was married to a monster, or in a controlling relationship. He never cared what I did, where I went, what I spent money on but our arguments always got out of control.
We slept in separate rooms for a long time and I feel as though the spark went...he said I did not pay him attention since the kids were born, which I probably didn’t. I got no help with my kids. Always doing everything alone....
My biggest issue I am facing now is the constant thoughts of going back as I yearn to “feel normal again” every morning I wake up feeling sick and have to run to the toilet because I have diharea. I never feel completely happy.
Since we split he is the most wonderful dad to our kids and of course very sorry for everything...I just hate he could not be like that when we were together. I want my girls to have their parents together but also scared if I go back I will be all the way back to the start again. Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve done and this by far is the hardest time in my life.

Thanks for listening 🌸

He's not a great dad. He's a dangerous, abusive man who hates women and hates you.

You want to 'feel normal'. Normal is not being smacked in the face whilst your children watch, nor being punched, nor having your hair pulled. Normal is being cherished and respected.

It's ok to feel like this. Try to get some help with your feelings.

You are so strong for leaving.

You and the DC deserve a life free from abuse.

His mask will slip eventually and he won’t be as doting with the DC, I expect he’s putting on good performance at the moment precisely to get you to think of getting back together.

You have given your babies the biggest, most precious lifelong gift by taking them out of a house of violence.

Children seeing, hearing, sensing DA is defined as Child Abuse by NSPCC.

Your 7 day old baby and 2 year old would have been terrified and internalised the trauma not knowing what it was and if it will happen again.

Their cortisol and adrenaline levels would be overwhelming during the incident and they also internalise YOUR fear, anxiety, sadness, confusion and preoccupation afterwards.

Even now not in his company they will be absorbing your emotional stress and preoccupation which means they are not getting the best of you. They only have one parent (he is not a good Dad - a good Dad starts with cherishing the mother of his children and models love, kindness, respect and partnership) and they need you to be emotionally present and attuned to them - not on pins worried about what he will do next. You cannot be in two emotional places at once - so choose to give it positively and proactively to your DCs - don’t give your finite emotional energy and headspace to him. I hope that you have RL support to rebuild your emotionally.

You have done brilliantly. You are a hero for your DCs. Keep going don’t look back.

It’s not the ‘happy ever after’ immediately when you end an abusive relationship

But ending it is a major investment into your long term happiness

As shit as I feel now , it was worse walking on egg shells all the time

Gutterton Thank you for your post. That really hit home.
Thank you all it really helps to log on here and see more messages of encouragement. I am extremely greatful 💛

Thisisworsethananticpated I hope you are okay too. It’s such a hard thing to go through 😓

if you go back the chances of his assaulting you in the future are very high. It will probably get worse. Your girls will witness it, they might tell school about it and social services could get involved, he might assault you where you need medical attention and social services would get involved. Social services might then tell you chose between your husband or your children, your children could be put into care.

You’ve done the hard part leaving, build your life up to one you deserve and you know you deserve a better life away from that bastard of a husband. He isn’t a good dad he wasn’t a good husband, you and your girls deserve so much more.

Please please stay strong xx

Your new normal will get easier. Isnt it better to live without the fear of being hit?

If he’s such a great dad why didnt he do anything whilst you were together? Easy to put on a show for a wknd I think...

Is it ok to hit if you dont leave a mark? If he hit your girls thats ok if they are not bruised? You know its not.

Your girls now live without fear - dont put them in that position again. Keep strong!!!

You have done one of the toughest things - I did it 22 years ago, after ending up in hospital 3 times with broken bones, while pregnant. I tried a reconciliation as I felt very much the same - as soon as I did, I knew I had to get back out. Safely. He escalated after I left with stalking & threats. We had to move house twice. He would have had no qualms about hurting my son too.

It is very easy to romanticise the nice bits, and in therapy I learnt that this is often our brain's way of coping. I also started to doubt that these attacks had actually happened. Of that they weren't my fault. That is very common - if you recognise that, it's a very common symptom of PTSD.

It does get easier, I promise. Hold onto that strength that got you & your DC safe. You deserve to live without fear.

It's against the odds for a domestic abuser to change their ways and stop. They are more likely to escalate and ramp things up over time. Your going back could put you at greater risk. You will at least go back to the start again.

With a bit of distance, being on your own, it's natural enough to play things down in your mind, especially if he is now better behaved in front of you.

Always remember why you left and applaud yourself for taking your children out of that environment.

You are doing amazingly. Well done on making a better life for your children. It is probably awful for you now but it will get better, promise

You are strong - you left an abuser for the sake of your girls and yourself. You are already a hero. You are grieving for the man you wanted him to be and the man you deserve. Unfortunately he wasn't that man and you deserve so much more.

You deserve to have 2 girls growing up in an environment where they see women matter, where they are allowed to live without fear of witnessing abuse or experiencing it themselves. You deserve to live in an environment where you are valued and loved. This might include another partner in the future, but right now it needs to be you and your daughters while you come to terms with moving on from his behaviour, while you realise you have so much to love about yourself and your inner strength.

You have saved your daughters from an abusive life by leaving him - you are an inspiration.

You have done the best thing you can - you have left him and saved your girls.

Being in an abusive family, watching their mother be abused, is so damaging to children - you should feel proud of yourself, not guilty.

Some people stay despite all the evidence to the contrary - they think he will change, or he loves them, or its caused by his depression or whatever. it's selfish and damaging to their children.

I read the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker recently - read it. He says that if you are hit once (by a partner) you are a victim. If you are hit twice, you are a volunteer. He's also pretty harsh about people who stay with an abuser if they have children.

But he's also got some pretty horrible stories about how domestic violence leads to death. And you only need to look at the statistics of how many women are killed a week by their partners or ex partners, to realise that the risk is very real. And why would you tolerate even the slimmest risk if you have children?

I know it's hard OP, but stay strong - speak to women's aid and access counselling, and in the future you'll see that you did the right thing.

My biggest issue I am facing now is the constant thoughts of going back as I yearn to “feel normal again”

If you bang your head repeatedly against a wall for ages then stop, you will feel weird, not normal, your head still hurts but differently, everything feels "off". That's you now.

You have spent years choosing your actions to minimise the chance of him kicking off, your every decision will have been coloured by thoughts of his mood. Now you have to make every day decisions based on other criteria, like what you personally want. That's a huge change. It has to be exhausting. You probably do crave being back under the old "normal" rules. You have probably lost touch with what you want, what you like and that will take a while to recover.

Be kind to yourself. Learning how to live in the new normal will take time but will be worth it.

You are an amazing and strong mother.

You should be so incredibly proud of yourself!

Giving your daughters a safe life. ❤️❤️❤️