New to OLD help needed

[timetochangeagainforever]

After splitting from my last Long term relationship in May, I've decided to give OLD a go as I'm late 40s all my friends are married and I don't get out of an evening very often. I'm nervous about it but also quite excited. On tinder, got 12 matches this aft/eve. 6 messaging me. What do I do? I didn't have a profile, only photos so I've just been telling a bit about myself, my interests (the fact that I have adult children) etc and asking about theirs. How soon do I suggest to meet if I feel a connection, which I do with one man? Don't want to seem desperate but also don't want to be a pen pal. Advice please.

I'm no expert but I'm OLD at the moment and tend to wait a few days if not until they ask me! Just a word of warning, not everyone on there will be genuine. Some may only want a pen pal, some may be married and some may only want sex. I tend to keep my guard up a little and not get too attached too soon. Enjoy it, it's good fun l

I started around Christmas after separating from a long marriage. Here's what I've found.

1. A lot of guys seem keen at first, this rarely seems to last. A lot of them will drop off even after meeting. I have yet to get past a fifth date.
2. If they start sexting straight away they only want sex. If that's OK with you great but I learnt the hard way, they most likely don't want a relationship.
3. Chemistry online doesn't mean it will translate to real life. Sadly I've found this too. Meet up sooner rather than later to see if you have real chemistry.
4. I've invested each time and been let down each time too. If you can stay emotionally unattached as long as you can it's easier I feel.

Good luck!

There is an OLD dating thread in relationships. It's full of advice and support for navigating OLD

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm quite enjoying the messaging as I'm bored. A couple seem to have same interests as me and good sense of humour. Plus say they are looking for a relationship. I'm not looking for something casual so will keep a bit of a guard up and will cut contact with anyone who starts sexting before we've even met! One told me some very amusing but alarming stories of his OLD experiences - seems there's also quite a few batshit crazy women on there! I'll have a look for that thread

Just concentrate on a couple at a time,swap numbers etc,nothing worse that building a dialogue with decent people only to find them talking to multiple people as well as you,worst thing about OLD for me.
I met my partner through OLD and we both deleted our Accounts quite quickly once we realised that we had a fab connection together

Thank you Specialized101 that gives me hope. I've reduced down to three on the app but one, who I definite feel a connection with (and he lives in the next town - bonus!) gave me he's number so we now whatsapp. He's told me his life story, career, things about his extended family and friends (no children but close to nephew and neice) and sent lots of photos. He was out last night with friends but continued to message all eve which I was impressed by. We'll see what happens today.
Do I ask him if he's messaging others or is that too forward or weird in this OLD world? Thanks again everyone

Oh, and congratulations on meeting your partner

I wouldn't ask if he's messaging others.
Tbh, I'm always messaging at least 3 at the same time, because, as a poster said upthread, many aren't genuine unfortunately. I've had quite a few chats now where we've been getting on great, then they suddenly disappear.

Lots of good advice on here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3820441-dating-thread-184-where-we-don-t-take-any-nonsense

Talk to more than one person as chats often fade away. Don't ask if they're chatting to others, they will be. Get a date sorted quickly before you get too invested in someone. They are often very different in person.

Just don’t get too excited OP. Be a bit cynical until you’ve met them and had a few dates. If you like someone you are chatting to arrange to talk to them on the phone sooner rather than later, you find out a lot from that too. I never left it too long before meeting as everything can change when you meet them and I got tired of endless messaging only to be disappointed when I met them in real life.
Enjoy it, but keep your guard up and don’t get emotionally invested until you know the guy really well and have met up a fair few times.

Thanks again. I didn't plan to ask about messaging others until we'd actual met up (if we do) - would that be acceptable? I'm messaging three so expect they are all too.
I need to keep my head in check as I do tend to let my heart rule it!

I wouldn't ask on a first date if they were messaging others. That would put me off. It comes across as a bit needy.
Remember you don't know someone until you've met them a few times.
I'd also be suspicious of someone sharing lots of personal information before you've met.
But then I've been on OLD for a few years and come across so many weirdos that I'm a bit cynical about it now.

Thank you. I'm meeting a male friend today who is middle aged and single for a good while until recently so he made have tried OLD so I'll ask him too.

Lots of people that are OLD moan about men being dishonest,not genuine etc but then advise people to do the exact same thing (because Men are dishonest and ingenuine anyway lol )
If youve met somebody who sounds nice,attentive and genuine so far then go with that,as he could be everything that youre looking for and the exact person that youre looking for too. You dont have to give him your heart and soul quite yet,but dont let peoples cynicism influence you too much either-There seriously are some genuine people left out there. Worst case scenario is hes not the one for you,OLD will always be there to fall back on if he isn`t.
Good luck timetochangeagainforever !

An update....
Guy no1 - we are now talking on the phone every night and messaging throughout the day/eve. Found more shared interests, opinions and views. We are meeting next week.

Guy no2 - asked for my number and we've been talking and messaging a lot. Turns out he went to a lot of the same places as me when we were young and he also knows some of my old friends! Small world. We are meeting tomorrow night for drinks and he's booked a table at a swanky restaurant on Saturday night in town, somewhere I've been longing to go to - we are both in London.
Guy no 3 - still in touch but I'm not taking it any further.

Now stressing about what to wear to these dates!
Thank you for all your wise words.

Wear something you are comfortable in and that you know flatters you - don't buy anything new specifically for the date. Hopefully the online chemistry you have will translate into real life chemistry. I've found I can get on brilliantly with someone through texts and messaging, but in real life it has been completely different. One man smelt a bit funny which was off-putting, another man spat when he talked - these things aren't apparent when you're chatting online

Thank you Cassidy. I'll certainly not be buying anything new to wear. Oh what a let down when you met those men. I've talked on the phone to both a lot but am keeping an open mind. Just looking forward to going out as my social life has been non existent recently.
I'll report back after tomorrow nights date. Conversation is really easy - we spoke for a couple of hours last night and he makes me laugh a lot....so we'll see what happens ...

So I'm going on the first date this evening and I'm a nervous wreak! Any advice?

No advice, sorry but wanted to wish you good luck. I separated last May too but the divorce is nightmarish and I'm not ready for OLD yet.

I would love to hear how it goes.

You sound lovely so crossing my fingers for you.

Don't have a drink before you go out to take the edge off your nerves - turning up tipsy is never a good look

Being nervous isn't unexpected, chances are he will be just as nervous. Plan how you're getting there and how you're getting home again afterwards and (I've always done this) arrange for a friend to call you 45 minutes into the date. If he's awful, you can pretend the call is from one of your DC or your mum and something's happened, so sorry, you have to go. It's always good to have an escape plan just in case the man is a horror.

I'm sure he won't be and I'm sure you'll have a lovely evening.

Messaging is fun, you can be whoever you want to be, just be selective over who you agree to meet, ideally in the daytime and always a public place. The good news is that it really can work, after 11 failed dates over 3 y (and 100 plus conversations) I met dp and we are moving in together! It was fun and definitely filled up empty evenings!!!

Meet up for a coffee during daytime in a busy place.

If the profile says looking for a relationship, they might still be looking for a shag.

It is easy to be groomed by messaging so try to meet within a few days not weeks.

Look out for any red flags or spidey senses.