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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Text. Do I reply?

44 replies

Viviennethebeautiful · 21/02/2020 20:49

Partner been out of the country for three months as his daughter had a stroke in New Zealand.
We have been together a year both wary (known each other decades in a professional setting) but have got close. He insists on calling me his partner. Have known him many years. He always called other women he was going out with “friends” so I was surprised. TBH I don’t like the term.
He is due home in a week. Originally he seemed to think we would go straight back to where we had been. I pointed out he has been away a long time and some of it by choice (was originally booked to visit but had to go out much earlier because of stroke and chose to stay, not short of money)
He’s contacted me every day and phoned every other day or so, but I have deliberately been fun not flirty.
He just text with some pleasantries and “I bet you are on a wild night“ out. I am watching the telly. I really want to play it cool and not respond.
Am I being silly. We are in our 50’s

OP posts:
SunshineDays2019 · 21/02/2020 21:46

I also don't understand the issue. Please enlighten us!

user1481840227 · 21/02/2020 21:47

Please stop with the game playing before he returns and be honest with him and tell him the truth about how you're feeling, which appears to be resentment and some kind of expectations that he has to work for it now if he wants you back.

At least if you are truthful about it then he might choose to stay in New Zealand to be with his daughter for longer.

AnyFucker · 21/02/2020 21:50

What is going on here ? Confused

Twinkie777 · 21/02/2020 21:51

Thanks
I do see everyone’s point and accept how it’s come across.
Drip feed (truly didn’t want to make OP too long) after his DD made a v good and swift recovery, mum arrived and he went one a one month trip round Indonesia He was originally (pre stroke) due to arrive when mum left.
Sorry again

AnyFucker · 21/02/2020 21:53

Time wasting bollocks

Gazelda · 21/02/2020 21:54

I'm still not sure I'm understanding the problem? Are you pissed off that he was away for longer than you think he needed to be? That he went on his trip without you? That he might have hooked up with his ex?

Or are you realising that he's more into you than you are into to him? But don't want to be the bad guy to end it?

Twinkie777 · 21/02/2020 21:56

Actually not true Any Fucker. I now accept it is hugely petty but the story is true and I am lonely.

I look out for your posts as they are v succinct and ideally right

GetOffTheTableMabel · 21/02/2020 21:57

Even with your (name change fail) update, he doesn’t appear to have been at all unreasonable.
You do not seem kind, compassionate or proportionate in your response.

MapMyMum · 21/02/2020 21:57

I had a long distance relationship with my dh for years and we regularly wouldnt see each other for anywhere up to 6 months, we spoke most days in some form and didnt expect there to be problems each time we met back up.

SallyWD · 21/02/2020 21:59

You sound cruel. Either you want to be with him or you don't. Why do you want to play silly, immature games with a man who's treated you well and been caring for his poor daughter? He's done nothing wrong and yet you want to be mean to him.

Lalala205 · 21/02/2020 22:02

So is it the month long holiday after that's thrown you? Maybe he just felt some travelling time would give him some headspace to recover from the obviously very stressful time regarding his Dd health? People cope with stressful experiences in different ways. It sounds unlikely he was intentionally doing it to upset you as he's kept in contact. If you were living together and dependant on joint finances, and him returning after Dd recovery, then I could possibly understand your point more, but it's not that situation.

Twinkie777 · 21/02/2020 22:02

Gazelda
You outline my issue. I don’t know either.
I doubt he would hook up with his ex as this is the first time they have been in the same room for 15 years. Other women however .........
Fear everything as my first relationship for 7 years having been that person who had to have someone constantly for 30 years

Twinkie777 · 21/02/2020 22:04

Thank you everyone. I will finish this now but re read it a few times.

AnyFucker · 21/02/2020 22:10

Why have you name changed ?

loveyoutothemoon · 22/02/2020 09:24

His daughter had a stroke and he had a holiday, so what! You've only been together a year, you're bound to still be doing things separately. You sound selfish.

Musti · 22/02/2020 10:31

So he went earlier than planned and stayed longer because his daughter had a stroke and then he went to Indonesia for a month. Was that planned? Is it something you would have been able to join him with?

Emmelina · 22/02/2020 10:49

Sounds like he was just cracking a silly joke! I’d have replied with a photo of my half-drunk tea and pack of chocolate digestives and the comment of “the wildest!”

You do sound like hard work. He’s taking care of his child on the other side of the world and is still making strong efforts to keep you happy.

mamato3lads · 22/02/2020 11:11

Agree with everyone else. He sent that text because hes feeling insecure and wanted to ask you what you were doing but did it in a jokey way

Give him a break and dont play games unless you want to lose him x

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 22/02/2020 11:27

It sounds like you’re just not that into him.

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