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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Text. Do I reply?

44 replies

Viviennethebeautiful · 21/02/2020 20:49

Partner been out of the country for three months as his daughter had a stroke in New Zealand.
We have been together a year both wary (known each other decades in a professional setting) but have got close. He insists on calling me his partner. Have known him many years. He always called other women he was going out with “friends” so I was surprised. TBH I don’t like the term.
He is due home in a week. Originally he seemed to think we would go straight back to where we had been. I pointed out he has been away a long time and some of it by choice (was originally booked to visit but had to go out much earlier because of stroke and chose to stay, not short of money)
He’s contacted me every day and phoned every other day or so, but I have deliberately been fun not flirty.
He just text with some pleasantries and “I bet you are on a wild night“ out. I am watching the telly. I really want to play it cool and not respond.
Am I being silly. We are in our 50’s

OP posts:
category12 · 21/02/2020 20:52

I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to have been away for 3 months. What exactly did you want him to do that he hasn't done?

Play games if you want, but ask yourself what you want out of it.

RedIsWhereItsAt · 21/02/2020 20:54

He's not been on a jolly though? His relatively young daughter has had a stroke in her? 20s? 30s?

PinkFluff2 · 21/02/2020 20:59

He's been away because his daughter had a stroke and you're getting arsey with him?

Wow, I think he would be better off out of this relationship. Seems pretty selfish of you to be only thinking of yourself at a time like that. Plus he's been consistent with his communication with you. What's the problem?!

WizardOfAus · 21/02/2020 21:02

You sound like hard work, Viv.

confusedandemployed · 21/02/2020 21:05

Good god. The poor guy has maintained very regular contact with you despite being on the other side of the world visiting his daughter who, at a very early age, has had a serious medical episode. Just what exactly has he done wrong here, because from your post I really can't see?

One can only hope that he'll come to his senses and bin you quick smart.

Pipandmum · 21/02/2020 21:06

It's New Zealand. Not exactly around the corner. He called frequently. What exactly are you expecting or is it you've just gone off him?

LonginesPrime · 21/02/2020 21:06

I really want to play it cool and not respond.

Then don't respond - you don't need anyone's permission!

He didn't ask you a question anyway, he just stated what he thinks. So there's nothing you need to respond with, is there?

ThatsWotSheSaid · 21/02/2020 21:06

Charming

LuxDesignWish · 21/02/2020 21:11

You actually sound awful - how cruel.

LonginesPrime · 21/02/2020 21:14

OP, did you mean for your thread title to be something like 'He's been away 3 months - can we just pick up where we left off?'

Because it seems odd that this is actually about a pretty dull text.

BumbleBeee69 · 21/02/2020 21:17

Do you mean he's been dating other woman in NZ whilst visiting her very ill daughter ?

BumbleBeee69 · 21/02/2020 21:18

his

StealthMama · 21/02/2020 21:19

Can't really see any problems here, other than that one you're creating.

Perhaps he'd be better off with someone who appreciates his commitment.

notthisshitagain · 21/02/2020 21:20

Have you missed some vital sentence out of your OP?

Because I'm certainly missing something here Confused

SunshineCake · 21/02/2020 21:20

Yes, silly. Game playing is for little children.

squaky · 21/02/2020 21:21

What?! His daughter had a stroke! And you want to punish him?! Fucking he'll

squaky · 21/02/2020 21:21

Hell

Ydl22 · 21/02/2020 21:23

Nope

user1481840227 · 21/02/2020 21:23

I don't think your reaction to this was normal at all. It's far beyond silly, it's actually pretty cruel of you.

Your line "Originally he seemed to think we would go straight back to where we had been" is something that people tend to say when they decide to give their husband another chance after he had an affair!!!

In the context of your situation it makes no sense at all, what do you want him to do now? win you back? prove you're more important than his daughter? promise he'll never go off again if there's an emergency.

If you resented him so much for going you should have ended it with him!!

opticaldelusion · 21/02/2020 21:24

I don't get this. You have a fella who seems kind and considerate, whose daughter has been seriously ill, and you want to play some fucking power trip with him??

Dizzygirl00 · 21/02/2020 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theemmadilemma · 21/02/2020 21:29

I'm not clear on what on earth the poor man has done wrong that you want to play games.

It sounds like nothing has changed in his commitment or feelings towards you. Maybe they should...

TowerRingInferno · 21/02/2020 21:34

He sounds really lovely.

Don’t understand why you are playing games.

DailyKegelReminder · 21/02/2020 21:44

Let him go, so he can meet someone nicer.

Maduixa · 21/02/2020 21:45

It sounds like he thinks the two of you are in a solid relationship, and if you feel otherwise he doesn't seem to have received that message. You've been in touch every day. Maybe you've had some discussions you haven't mentioned (seeing other people while he's away, playing it by ear, etc), but otherwise it seems natural he would think you'd pick up where you left off. And I don't think the 3 months is outrageous under the circumstances - it sounds like a one-off thing - but if you're resentful about it it'll likely keep on bugging you.

You're not obligated to text him back, or to keep seeing him when he's back from his trip. If you want to break up, you don't need an excuse, but for goodness sake tell the man clearly.

If you just don't want to deal with this right now, maybe text him back something like "busy now - talk later"?