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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving my babies dad

32 replies

Terri123456 · 21/02/2020 18:01

Hi,

So I'm 36 weeks pregnant. Me and my partner are having I believe to be big problems. I'm not easy to live with at the moment I get that and I hold my hands up. But I don't feel like I'm getting his support. He's told me he's going to take all of my SMP from me to pay my half of the rent rather than work more hours because I'm on more money than him in the first place. I pay half of his sons rent as well. His mum has also said I should be handing over all of my SMP to him as well. His mum has also accused me of keeping her from the baby because I don't want to be round her dog which isn't the case at all, I'm just terrified of dogs.

I then had a nasty fall the other night and because I'm rhesus negative I had to have the anti d. He then said he would wait in the car for me to get my jab... the midwife was shocked. I then had to go to anti natal on my own because there was nobody to look after his son, which I ordinarily wouldn't mind as these things happen but he has months worth of notice to sort something. I then asked him to come to a midwife appointment with me as she was going to go over the birth to which he replied, "is it important". Well I believe it to be important because he's my birthing partner.

Then he tells me to fuck off when we get into a row which I've asked him not to. He also asked me to leave though he apologised for that.

I then went on his laptop this morning and found a topless picture of him that was taken at 11pm at night in December when I was 4 hours away visiting my family. He has also screenshotted memories on Facebook from what I can only presume are old girlfriends because they are all quite flirtatious comments. I'm so confused why he would do that.

My midwife has advised me to go home to be with my family who are 4 hours away for support. I'm so terrified I'm being too rash. I've booked removals for tomorrow and paid for them and I'm absolutely devastated I understand there's only 1 side of the story here but I just don't know and so unsure of my decision. What I don't want is to bring a baby up in a toxic relationship and hurt him in the process.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 21/02/2020 18:03

Your midwife has given you excellent advice. You’re wise to take it.

Whynosnowyet · 21/02/2020 18:06

Get your precious baby as far away from him and his family asap.
Your mw gives good advice.

negomi90 · 21/02/2020 18:08

Go and don't look back.
If he wants access to the child, let him come to you.

Fairycake2 · 21/02/2020 18:08

He's an absolute twatt. Definitely take the advice of your midwife. You need support right now

Thehop · 21/02/2020 18:25

Get yourself away ASAP. It’s very wise to deliver your baby away from him.

Original poster
Terri123456 · 21/02/2020 18:34

It hurts so much. Because he will be 4 hours away from me. This isn't what I want but I know it's the right thing to do in the long run. I'm devastated and scared.

OP posts:
Mummy0f3xxx · 21/02/2020 19:12

I'm so sorry to hear this, he sound like a real disrespectful and selfish piece of shit! (Sorry to be so blunt)you need support at this stage of your pregnancy.

HOPE YOUR OK AND YOUR DOING WELL

caffeinefix · 21/02/2020 19:14

You are doing the right thing, OP. Keep putting one foot in front of the other Thanks

The thing is, if you stay, things will be so much worse when the baby is here.

Your midwife sounds excellent x

inicecoldblood · 21/02/2020 19:20

Why are you paying half his sons rent? Do you own your home or rent? I would be moving to your family for support whilst on maternity leave at least.

poopbear · 21/02/2020 19:25

Take the midwives advice. Keep your SMP. That’s your money!

Original poster
Terri123456 · 21/02/2020 19:29

We privately rent and he has full custody of his son. So in theory I pay half of his sons rent, bills and food and he wants me to continue to do that when I'm on SMP. Which I thought was unreasonable. His response was well you're on more money than me at the moment so why are you not paying more rent.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 21/02/2020 20:08

He’s an absolute fucking bollix.

LouHotel · 21/02/2020 20:51

For your midwife to say that means you are absolutely presenting as vulnerable. Please go back to your family.

WatchingFromTheWings · 21/02/2020 20:58

Get the hell out of there. It'll only get worse once you're 'trapped' with a baby. Been there, got the T-shirt.

Original poster
Terri123456 · 21/02/2020 21:04

Only thing now is because I'm moving so far away I'm going to get a load of backlash from him and his mum. I'm absolutely terrified of the upcoming arguments and fights I'm going to have to go against.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 21/02/2020 21:09

Your midwife is trained to spot abuse.
She knows you are being abused.
Block him and his mother.

Fairycake2 · 21/02/2020 21:10

So sorry to hear about your situation but I'm pleased to hear you are moving home. I would suggest you block and go NC with his mum and only respond to messages from him which are about making arrangements for access. Could someone in your family help you with this until you feel stronger? Perhaps read the messages for you and respond accordingly. I really hope things work out for you 💐

wallyrag · 21/02/2020 21:13

I promise you that you will have a strength that only comes from doing what is best for you and your child.
This behaviour will only worsen, believe me I know. Just put you and your baby first.

champagneandfromage50 · 21/02/2020 21:17

Your doing the best thing. Move before your baby is born as you won't be able to move once the baby arrives and you will be stuck without support

ChampagneCommunist · 21/02/2020 21:58

Get the baby registered ASAP after the birth, without him on the certificate.

If he wants to apply for PR, he can. I bet he doesn't.

We're here with you

Frazzled2207 · 21/02/2020 22:49

Another one saying get out of the there and go and stay with your family.
No doubt at all that that will be best for you and your baby. You want as little to do with this man and his mum as possible.

You are doing the right thing even though it won't feel that way right now. Keep talking to us, you'll be ok

Frazzled2207 · 21/02/2020 22:49

And yes don't register him as the father

Frazzled2207 · 21/02/2020 22:51

Ps do you have any concerns about him looking after his son? Because you need to speak to social services If you do.

Janus · 21/02/2020 22:57

Oh my, what an awful person he is. Of course you don’t have to pay for his son because you earn more money, he should be worrying about covering that, not you.
He can’t give any backlash if you move away, it will be for him to make the effort to be a parent, I’m sorry but I think he won’t make that effort.
As lots have said, please don’t put his name on the birth certificate as you will have so much to keep asking his permission for.
I hope you get away and don’t look back.

LangSpartacusCleg · 22/02/2020 04:25

Your midwife is trained to spot abuse.
She knows you are being abused.
Block him and his mother.

What LovingLola said.

Go to your own family and friends for support. Block him and his mother immediately. Notify him when the baby is born. Register the birth without him. Give the baby your last name (either on its own or hyphenated but make sure your name is in there). Claim CMS. Move on.

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