Domestic abuse/coercive control question

[ednatheevilwitch]

After leaving a long (15 year) abusive marriage the police want me to go to the police station to discuss his behaviour. He was extremely controlling and coercive and one of the things he did was to make sure that when we got a speeding fine I said it was me driving. To be honest we weren't sure who it was as we both drove the car. But I thought it was more likely to be him. He said that he would risk losing his licence as he already had points and as he had to drive so much for work he could lose his job and we could lose our house. I was too scared of the fall out to refuse him but now I'm terrified that I could be in trouble if I tell the police what I did. I know that he was coercing me but I feel like a total idiot for going along with him. Any help or suggestions welcome as I'm getting worked up about having to maybe give a statement and then them arresting him and pressing charges. Literally can't sleep with it all going around my head.

What makes you think it was the driving they want to discuss?

What do you need help and suggestions with? If they want to talk to you about his behaviour why would they ask about a speeding fine? Is there anyone you can take with you for support?

Sorry I haven't been clear. I have given them some information about his abuse and they want to discuss it further. They want me to tell them about the abuse and coercion but I'm too worried about the repercussions to tell them about the speeding fine. Would it be evidence against him or could they then prosecute me?

Have you been in contact with an IDVA or anyone from a DV organisation OP? Have you sought any legal advice regarding this?

Where are you in the process?

I think you have to tell them everything.

By process I mean are you in a refuge etc At what stage are you in getting away?

I had support from a DA organisation when I first left and went into a refuge. But now I'm out they have left me to it. I wasn't well enough to make a statement before but now I think I need to as his behaviours are still making my life very difficult. I've tried to ring the local DA support but can't get through.

Leave out the bit about taking his points just tell them the rest.

What behaviours are making your life difficult?

There may be more than one domestic abuse organisation in your area. Perhaps have a look here and see if there is one you can get in contact with.

I would contact Rights of Women for legal advice.

He is making my life impossible financially and some of this includes criminal acts . (Don't want to detail this too much)

some of this includes criminal acts

In that case, you need to tell all to the police. Can you get some legal advice beforehand? Do you have real life support to help you through this?

OP make a note of all his behaviour: Date/Time/Behaviour/How it made you feel. Include the financial abuse as well.

Get legal advice from Rights of Women. I have no idea of the nature of the criminal offences so can't advise regarding that but I'm sure they can advise you on your options.

If it's a Stalking offence, contact the National Stalking Helpline.

Another organisation to contact is CABx or Lawworks who have free legal advice clinics.

You can also try the National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247

Another organisation to try is Victim Support. They also give advice and support regarding DV.

I would get legal advice to check regarding the speeding fine and what to say.

I would try to get someone to come with you to the interview.

How are you doing now OP? From what I understand you're on your own. Have you received any counselling or have you attended any groups like the Freedom Programme?

Thank you everyone. I have limited real life support - he has pretty much turned all my friends against me since we split and my family all have their own issues at the moment. My appointment is an evening one so my 2 friends who could come are busy with young children. I feel like I'm running out of time as have other commitments on Monday and then the appointment is that evening. I am divorcing him and have taken a step over the last couple of days which I know will make him angry and the level of terror I now feel is what made me contact the police. I hate what he has done to my and my children.

I am supposed to be on a waiting list for counselling but haven't heard and the only freedom programmes here run during the day so aren't possible for me

If taking his points happened more than 6 months ago, they're time-barred which means you cannot be prosecuted for them. In any event I can't see how it would be in the public interest to prosecute. I honestly do not think you have anything to worry about there.

Please do go, and please do tell them everything. Don't let the remnants of his influence persuade you not to, because that's what this is, a pervasive fear that bad things will happen if you tell on him, which he has planted in your mind.

Isn't this what Vicky Pryce was sent to prison for? There was coercive control there too. I don't think I'd offer this information.

Perverting the course of justice is time barred after 6 months? Are you sure LauraMipsum?

According to newspaper reports she did it 10 years before her conviction

You dont need to bring up the driving part. Just tell them the rest. Even if you did, you were under fear when you confessed and have willingly told them the truth when you are free so it's unlikely they look look to pursue any charges.

You can take the freedom programme online I believe.

Sorry, it's the original speeding that would be time barred, I've got that wrong - but v different circumstances to VP, who wasn't being coercively controlled and who definitely knew it wasn't her driving as opposed to what OP describes which is not being sure and being pressured to say it was her (which it could have been).

OP I meant take someone from a Domestic Abuse organisation with you to act as support. You can email if you can't get through on the phone but keep trying and phone around for others.

Domestic Abuse organisations sometimes have free counselling and group therapy. If you do a search for your area, for example, 'Domestic abuse trauma counselling Lewisham' see what comes up. But your local organisation would be better placed to advise.

I've just checked Rights of Women to see their opening hours for Criminal Law but they're closed until March now. I gave you the Lawworks details above so do a quick check to see what's available in your area or even if there's a helpline available.

Another option is to contact the police and remake the appointment for next week when you've had time to get advise and some support in place.

In the meantime, contact the NCDV about a non molestation order if you are afraid of him. They provide a free emergency injunction. If they can't do it, they will advise you on what to do.

I meant for the following week. I know it's Monday.

Or post on the MN Legal Forum and ask. I know there are some Criminal Law solicitors and barristers knocking about. They may be able to help.

I don't think they'd be wanting to see you about the points, I'd imagine they're seeing if there's enough evidence to prosecute him. You can call women's aid, they have a 24 hour helpline. They do help women leave and this is their main role but they do still offer support once you've left the relationship. I felt quite adrift once my Freedom programme finished but I've had to call them quite a lot recently regarding concerns over child contact and court and they've been amazing. Did you stay in touch with anyone from the refuge or your Freedom group? It helps me a lot to talk to people who've been through it. Unless you've experienced DV you don't truly understand it. 💐💐

No they won't be calling her to ask about the points because they obviously don't know. However, her ex does and he could be holding that over her head as a threat. Also, if it does come out, the police may ask why she didn't come clean. She needs legal advice pronto.