Can't share a bed with OH

[xpenguinx]

Hi all,

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! I love my OH and we've been together 18 months. Things are going fab and we're talking about moving in together which would be great except sharing a bed with him is awful! He snores, lashes out, talks/shouts in his sleep which is not his fault obviously but I'm a light sleeper and everything wakes me up (not to mention getting whacked in the face or kicked in the ribs).

It wasn't too bad when I was just spending the odd night here and there over at his place but naturally as time went on we've been spending more and more time together and I get barely any sleep at all which means I'm super tired and grumpy a lot of the time. There have been times when I've given up and slept on the sofa but he gets offended and it causes an argument. I feel like its starting to take a toll on our relationship because I'm so tired all the time I'm snapping at him over silly little things.

He's been to the doctors and they've tried various stuff including sleeping meds etc.. but nothing helps. I love him to bits and obviously its not his fault- he can't help what he does when he's sleeping but its getting super frustrating!

I would work on trying to sleep more deeply...there are some sleep audio things on YouTube...DH uses them and they do work for him.

Try earplugs....I personally can't stand them but some people like them. Another thing is to use two single duvets....so you're less disturbed if he pulls it away from you.

But mainly your partner needs to look at why he's like this...does he eat late? Drink caffeine in the evening? Alcohol?

All those things can cause what you describe.

Doesn’t sound like he’s done everything he could to address his sleep / health issues.

Wouldn’t even consider moving in with him. Reduce the number of nights you spend with him to one or two a week.

He’s U to get offended and will have the same problem with anyone else he dates

@BillHadersNewWife

I'll have a look at the sleep audio things :) Have tried earplugs in the past but they do nothing for me I'm afraid which makes me think my light sleeping is part of the problem too ha! He doesn't drink alcohol a lot and only drinks coffee at work although he does do shifts which are all over the place as he works for the police which makes me wonder if this plays a part in everything

@Dozer Other than going to the doctors I'm not really sure what else he can do to be honest. We've tried over the counter stuff like kalms lavender and camomile etc... I did contemplate cutting down the number of nights if I'm being honest but then I feel bad because its not something he's doing intentionally. He says his exes were never bothered by it but I'm pretty sure getting whacked in the face a few times a night would be enough to wake anyone up haha. I think he's embarrassed about it so I feel awful keep bringing it up.

I don’t think adjusting your sleep is going to help if you are getting whacked! No one can sleep through that.

I think it’s got to be separate beds unless and until he sorts himself out.

There is LOADs more he could do. Most GPs aren’t experts in sleep issues, he could seek an NHS referral or pay to go to a specialist sleep clinic. Or try lots of free stuff online. Lose weight if he’s overweight, avoid alcohol, seek counselling if mental health is a factor.

This isn’t a “we” issue: his health, his responsibility.

All you can do is sleep over less, so that you can rest.

He shouldn't be getting offended. And I wouldn't be moving in with him either until he can sort his sleep out.

Shifts definitely play a part. My DH is a very light sleeper too OP...he wakes if a mouse coughs.

His shift work and stressful iobs could well be a big factor, hard to change those.

I feel your pain - my DP is a terrible snorer and falls asleep at the drop of a hat, whereas I need total quiet, dark and no disturbances. I’ve given up sharing a bed with him tbh. I have two small doubles in my room - it’s a squeeze for sure! - and he was offended at first, but tough. My sleep is important and it was making me not want him to stay over. It also means separate beds when we go away. Usually we can get two doubles in one room, but sometimes it means settling for two singles (which makes sex tricky!!). We’re away the moment and ended up with a 3 bed villa for the two of us just so that we had separate beds . He’s complaining that his bed isn’t as comfy as mine, but he’s not coming in! . I also sleep with ear plugs when he’s around - try the pink and yellow Howard Leight (sp?) ones from Amazon - they’re much better than any others I’ve tried. I don’t like it so only use them when he’s there, otherwise I worry that I won’t hear my kids in the night (They’re all teens so not likely), but if he’s staying then it’s his issue to wake up!!

Don’t let him make this your problem to solve - I’m 100% sure it did bother his exes- nobody likes the sound of snoring!

good lord OP.. please do not start taking medications or sleep supplements to solve a sleep problem that definitely IS NOT YOUR sleep problem.... I'd be sleeping in another bed in another room safe and sound 🌺

If this was reversed, and you were causing him huge sleep issues by your thrashing and snoring etc, would you get offended if he wanted to sleep separately from you? Would you expect him to drug himself so that he could put up with it?

Or would you be sympathetic and then do your utmost to address the issue so that he would be able eventually to share a bed with you?

Totally ridiculous and unhealthy to take medication due to not being able to sleep together. Just sleep in separate beds/rooms.

Why all these silly rules on things!? Are they based on some religious must have?

I would imagine it’s the shifts. I’m a terrible sleeper since starting shift work. I miss the days where I would drop off on the drop of a hat and stay that way all night!

I don’t do the thrashing but I do wake up and get restless trying to get back to sleep and I talk a lot. I know it disturbs my partner as she’s a light sleeper and I worry what it means when we start seeing each other more/move in together.

If I wake up and really can’t sleep, I get up for a while to try not to disturb her. I don’t really know what the solution is. I take sleepeze tablets if I know it’s going to be a bad night but I can’t use them permanently. I’d be upset but understanding if she made the decision to permanently not share a bed as night time snugs are so important to me but equally she needs to sleep.

If I were you and your OH, I'd just try a pragmatic solution.... separate beds/rooms for actual sleeping (with one of them being the nice 'main' double/king boudoir for other stuff..). Maybe start every bedtime cuddling together in the couple bed, then one of you slopes off.

Losing sleep because of this problem is absolutely awful and unsustainable for you. But on the other hand, of your relationship is great in all other respects, it would be a real shame not to move in together because of it. Also ridiculous for you to have to drug yourself!

Agree your OH should be encouraged to have his sleep pattern investigated further - deffo doesn't sound normal. In the meantime, just be practical about it

Thanks for all the replies! just to clarify I haven't been taking sleeping stuff, he has- I think it was to see if helped him switch off more (to be honest I don't know the whole reasoning behind any of the stuff he's been recommended/tried because I have 0 medical background). Sorry, I just read that back and I didn't really make it clear before!

He lives in a one bed flat so other than the sofa theres no other option really than sleeping in the same bed as him right now. If we moved in together it would be a case of selling his flat and buying somewhere together (with definitely more than one bedroom!) buying/selling is obviously going to take time but I think thats the only option really.

To be honest its not just my sleep that I'm worried about I'm also worried about how this effects him because it doesn't seem healthy. He has another appointment at the doctors next week so I think other suggestions about maybe getting a referral somewhere would be good idea :)

He isn't overweight, He's active a lot, doesn't seem to have any mental health problems although admittedly his job is stressful. Ironically when he's had a drink at a weekend or at a party he's a bit better to sleep next to- however getting him drunk all the time probably isn't a viable solution haha

Do not move in with him at all because the fact is you will need separate rooms, it's common, and if he gets offended then he's too immature to be living with someone. This is not your problem to solve, he has to take the bull by the horns. Do not be so foolish as to use drugs to sleep. I got addicted to z-drugs and then to sedating anti-histamines I used to get to sleep and it was utter hell to get off them and took a long time and I still think longingly of z-drugs.

I don’t understand how anyone wants to sleep in the same bed as their partner. Early on we realised we sleep awfully together and four years in laugh about how we definitely would have split up if we hadn’t decided on separate beds. Both our families accept this when we go to stay and if there’s no room take it in turns to sleep on the floor. We get comments on holiday about our twin room but just think it’s funny. I like going in to his room in the morning for tea/cuddle and have found it makes sex more fun because it feels less expected and like a duty (not saying everyone feels like this but I did). He felt sad about it at first because of the societal expectation and it’s nice to fall asleep together-sometimes we’ll have naps together on the sofa-but it’s the best relationship we’ve had and honestly think it’s quite a lot down to the sleeping separately!

He needs to go back to the GP and ask to be referred to a sleep clinic.

He also needs to stop being 'offended' if you sleep on the sofa. That's just childish and you need some rest.

Another vote to NOT move in with him (unless you have separate rooms).

"he gets offended and it causes an argument"

Erm no! This is not acceptable. Yes, it's not his fault but he IS the one that's doing it regardless, so how dare he be cross with you?!

If he does love you and care about you, HE should want you to be sleeping on the sofa to ensure he doesn't physically hurt you or affect your health through lack of sleep.

Better still, he should take the sofa.

Sleeping in the same bed is a relatively new concept .. Most middle class (able to afford a second bedroom ) thought it extremely lower class .. The poor used to all get in together including children...

We have separate bedrooms and start in one but move to separate for essential sleep... DH has sleep apnoea. It's very common OP, insist his GP sends him to a sleep clinic.

DP does that from time to time when he's stressed.

I've had him stamp on my face (my 'fault', I went down the end of the bed to try and avoid being walloped in the back of the head by him thrashing around). He missed breaking my nose by millimetres.

These days, not only do we have a large bed so that there is always a good two foot between us as we sleep, the moment he starts talking or waving his arms around, I'm off to the spare room. But it's months if not years between his events.

If it were every night, he'd be sleeping in a flat of his own, as to not feel safe enough to sleep is ridiculous. Had it happened before we'd moved in together, we'd have never got that far.

I'd suggest that you refuse point blank to sleep there. If he gets grumpy, he's not worth the relationship, as he's ignoring the fact that nobody likes being woken up with a punch in the nose. If he gets his arse down to a sleep clinic and engages with their suggestions, after a good year of him proving he isn't having them again, maybe a two bedroom flat could be doable.

You could try separate bedrooms or twin beds?
It's not ideal long term though if you're planning to do marriage and kids.
He needs to get it sorted. See GP or go private.
I'd not move in as once you've moved in its hard to move out again.

I had to film my DH to 'prove' to him that his thrashing around/lashing out (plus snoring) whilst he was asleep was really as bad as I told him it was. He couldn't believe he was causing bruising on me!
He has been to GP and has had surgery on his throat but nothing has changed.
We still sleep in the same bed (superking) and I have developed spidey senses so wake and leap out of bed before an arm or a foot comes my way.
I try to be asleep before him and sleep at the far side of the bed from him!
If it's a very bad night I retreat to the sofa.
I used to get cross with him, but he has tried everything suggested to him, so now I just accept it, as I know he isn't doing it consciously.