I really need to end the marriage, but can't seem to make it work financially or practically. How do people do it?

[BreathlessCommotion]

I know I want to end it, we've tried counselling etc. But I want to do it amicably and considering the dc (7 and 10). Added into the equation is the dc 7 has ASD.

I currently work part-time, mostly in order for us to ma age childcare. Dd cannot manage much in the way of childcare, after school care, clubs etc. We have tried. And quite a few won't have her.

She and ds go to a childminder after school 2 days a week, which she just about manages. CM has no other space. I'm off two days a week, DH wfh 2 days and I start late one day to allow me to take her to school. We have no family near by.

If I increased my hours/moved jobs (a few available at the moment) I could afford to buy DH out of mortgage and stay in the house. This would be great for kids. But then I wouldn't be able to cover all the childcare.

If I stay part time I could just about cover a rental somewhere, but it would be very tight, and again I still couldn't cover all the childcare.

I feel depressed by having to stay because I can't work this out. I was so ready to tell him.

If you were to split wouldn’t your ex have the kids half of the time? Or have to pay you maintaince you could use to pay for childcare? Or might you be entitled to some benefits? There are ways round things.

I did think about 50:50, I don't think he'd cope with that, or that would be best for the kids. But with the childcare it's not much paying for it, but that my dd can't cope with it. We've tried looking for a nanny, privately and with agencies, but had no luck.

I will have a look at possible benefits.

Hang on, your dp has gone to a concert with his ex that not only has he not told you about but has now officially lied about. And you can't confront him cause he might get cross at his mother. Absolutely not!!! That is not your issue. Totally confront him on this, if only on the fact that he has lied to you

Sorry wrong thread

You get working tax credits. 85% of your childcare will be paid for by tax credits. Plus you will get maintenance from your ex if not doing 50/50.

Well, UC now, not tax credits.

Do you have 2 full days off a week? Could you change your hours so you worked 5 days a week but shorter days allowing you to do school drops and pickups? Or if your DH could do school drops on the 2 days he WFH (assuming he'd carry on with that work pattern) you could increase your hours slightly.

Obviously depends on how flexible your employer is, at mine we'd never turn down someone wanting to increase their hours.

Do a benefits check on-line and child support calculator.

Au pair?

Have you contacted Gingerbread OP or the National Autistic Society?

I’m in the same boat OP so send my sympathies. I’m tied until the kids finished their education. It’s shit.

I was in this position, where I just couldn't work out how to do it.
In the end I just thought f**k it , it'll work out somehow, and I just told him to leave, there and then.
I had no way of carrying on with working (shifts), and even though my work offered to give me 9-5 hours until I could get childcare sorted, I knew I couldn't afford the childcare I'd need to even do the 9-5 hours. Add into the mix that my youngest DC was very unstable medically and was constantly needing admitted to hospital, so I ended up reluctantly resigning from my job too.
So I had no job, no money, and was often in hospital with my youngest and so had to take the eldest who was just a toddler into hospital too as I had no family or support.
In the end I had to use the savings accounts I had started for both the DC to buy food etc and apply for every benefit I was entitled to, but fast forward a couple of months and I had money coming in and cheaper gas/ electric, council tax, food bills etc and no childcare bill at all.
In the end I was actually BETTER OFF than I was before :)

I know you can't see a way forward right now, but there IS a way forward ! You just have to do it and find your way. I'm not saying it's easy, ( I was terrified I wouldn't be able to feed my DC and that we'd be homeless) but I was definitely much happier after I'd sorted things out.

I wish you the very best x

Gingerbread website was really helpful, thanks. I would happily do 50:50, but DH struggles with kids on his own and dd is very attached to me, I think she would struggle with it.

I feel horribly guilty, because I know DH doesn't want this. We've tried for a year to turn it around. We've had counselling and while things did improve, it still doesn't work for me.

I think sometimes it’s not very possible without compromising on children’s lifestyle/food/accommodation/schools. It’s balance that has to be weighed up.

You dont mention your income level but I'm happy to share my monthly figures with you if it helps. I'm a single parent, 2 children.

Income £1800
Child benefit £137
Maintenance £140
Universal credit £500 - £650

The universal credit value varies every month relating to my previous months childcare care, which are usually between £600 and £800.

Just to add .... I wasnt sure how it would work but it did. I am financially better off without some drainer spending money on himself all the time. It's definitely manageable and I am still paying down debts. I can't afford holidays etc but i can afford some treats now and then. All is not lost.

That is positive. At the moment I earn approx £1400 part time (0.6). I had totally forgotten about child benefit!

What happens to joint debt? It's not massive, but couldn't be paid off without selling the house.

Sometimes you have to bite the bullet for your own sanity and for the sake of your kids. My DS has ASD and I get DLA and CA. Since splitting, I now get UC without any requirements to work. On top of that I get maintenance from STBX. Thankfully the mortgage is low and I manage. Because I don't like the fact we are still tied, I will have to sell up soon and then my options are limited. Due to the sale of the house, I will have capital so wont be eligible for benefits but I wont have enough to buy somewhere outright. So, I would have to work F/T to afford a mortgage but what about my ASD child? Actually, just writing this has made me realise I CAN make it work! Thank you OP! So, you can do this!

Also depends where you live.

Joint debt? Credit cards in both your names? Just agree to split it 50/50 and use balance transfers to switch it to other cards

I was also another Fuck it I’ll make it work. My finances didn’t balance. I have borrowed and scrimped. But when you’re as unhappy as I was, it’s got to be done.

In more helpful terms, DH will need to contribute to child care too. You also don’t need to buy him out. Get some legal and financial advice.

I would approach this slightly differently and look at your DD’s schooling/needs. Does she have an EHCP? Would a special school be right for her? It might be that if you can resolve some of the challenges around her care that other things become easier to resolve.

There is a special school for girls with ASD near me. NAS also run schools.

We are working on her Ehcp now. She definitely would benefit from specialist provision, it's just the reality of whether she would be considered for it.

I will try and get some legal advice. I know it is possible to stay in the house without buying him out, but thought that was rare nowadays. The problem is I don't care where I live, I'd happily move somewhere else and rent. But staying in the house would be better for DC. However DH will hate to move at all, especially into anything rented. He may get nasty about the house, I'm not sure. He was assessed for ASD as well, but didn't meet the threshold, because of lack of childhood evidence. However he certainly is like dd in many ways.

When I said I wanted to split a year ago he surprised me by being so upset. I thought he'd be angry. But I think he will get angry if he has to be inconvenienced in any way, that's just how he is (as is by dd). It has to be his way or no way. I wish I could just go and leave him to it, but that isn't what is best for the kids.

As an aside, now I know I can probably do it, and it's more real, every single thing he does is irritating me. I wish I could just leave, without all the planning.

As others have said you just need to do it. I procrastinated for ages. I'm now 6 months from the split. Much happier , although ex was surprisingly upset considering he didn't seem to like me much!

I have asd son too. Because of his special needs the universal credit won't push me to increase my hours. I think it's because I claim dla for him.