Separating. Need a handhold.

[2020in2020]

Hello.

DH and I have been together for 10 years. Married for almost 5, 2 DC aged 4 and 6. We’re in our early 30’s.

It was a bit of a whirlwind romance, met at 20 and got together and lived a very hedonistic lifestyle in a big city. Lots of drinking, drugs etc. Eventually we ran out of money and so moved back to my home city. His family are extremely wealthy so assisted us with rental deposits and so on. I got a job within 2 weeks of moving and have been at the company ever since, I love my work and job. DH does not like his job and over the years has “tried” to change things but always gives up.

Over the past 2 years we have grown increasingly distant; he has always liked a drink and would easily drink 10 beers in an evening, most evenings but would rarely seem drunk. It just became the norm. Sex is non existent because I just don’t feel the need anymore, which is a big issue.

DH’s drinking increased - on the weekends he would start drinking around midday and carry on until Monday. Again; this became the norm. I started to feel really unhappy and like we had rushed into getting married and having children - admittedly this was just after I turned 30. I kept wondering if this is it for the rest of my life; we are snappy with each other and the children.

I got a promotion and worked closely with a bloke a bit younger than me who I got on very well with. From a few of our conversations he kindly suggested I might look into going to the GP as he suspected I had anxiety. I was surprised as DH has had depression and anxiety our entire relationship and I always saw my role as ensuring DH’s life was stress free, I couldn’t be ill as I was needed to make sure the family were happy. The doctor diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. DH didn’t seem to be very impressed with this, when I tried to engage him in conversation about how much the medication and counselling had helped me he just said they didn’t help him at all.

I continued this friendship with this other bloke, texting often and began going on nights out with my new team. My husband got increasingly resentful of this and accused me of having an affair. I thought long and hard about how I had come to be so close to the other man so quickly and realised it was because he actually listened to me, didn’t snap or brush off when I was speaking and seemed to genuinely care for my well-being. I did accept that the friendship had crossed a line and agreed to stop interacting with him outside of work.

However DH’s behaviour worsened dramatically. In the past 3 months he has
-followed me around the house shouting that I am a liar in front of our 6 year old
-called me a slut and a whore with our 3 year old asleep in bed between us
-drank so much on a Sunday he had to take the next day off work, DC6 was off poorly that day, when I got home he was clearly drunk (had been drinking in the day)
-drank himself into a stupor on Saturday night, then insisted on drinking beers in the car on the way home from Sunday lunch

I finally snapped on Monday and asked him to leave for a few days. He is at his parents currently and has been texting me non stop promising he will stop drinking if I only give him one more chance.

In my heart I feel lighter that he is not here. However, I do love him. He is a great dad when he isn’t drinking and he does have significant mental health issues which his entire family play down and do nothing to help. His sister also has mental health problems and their parents have paid for private care for her.

This is far too long. But I am very scared of the future. Scared that I am tearing my children’s life apart and of all the fallout that will come.

Any words of advice?

I'm rubbish with advice, but I do think your husband deserves one chance. Just one!! Your kids and your family are worth fighting for.

If he accepts he has a drinking problem and seeks help and support, you've got to give it a go.

If he fucks up .... just once. Well you have your answer he's chosen booze over his family.

The guy at work? Leave that, you have too much going on at the moment. Yes it seems fun, shiny and new. But believe me darling. It's not worth it. Not yet. Try work things out with your family first.

Hi, thanks. That’s what I am struggling with.

We have been here before, not as bad and he has promised to give up many times.

The guy at work is not a factor in my decision - he has his own issues that make him very unsuitable and we have been very low contact since my husband said it made him feel uncomfortable.

Agree with above poster. But only ONE chance.

We have been here before, not as bad and he has promised to give up many times

So far from your first rodeo? I’m afraid I would not be hopeful for this relationship. He keeps going back to the drink? His behaviour in front of your children is disgraceful. How many chances will you give him, OP? How much damage will he do to your dc? When will you stop allowing him to do this? I’m VERY low tolerance due to an alcohol dependent parent.

I’ve never actually asked him to leave before. But even before we had children we have argued about his drinking and he has ruined lots of family occasions etc.

I’m torn between giving him one chance, but if I’m honest I feel I would just be waiting for him to fuck up again so I had a reason to end it. So I could say to everyone “I tried”.

He seems to have a serious issue with alcohol and I would NOT be giving him a chance,especially since he is making it conditional.

He has to have his own light bulb moment and want to change as giving up permantely will not be easy.

The affects on your children living with an alcoholic dad are long lasting and you have done the right thing as it is much, much worse for them to live with an alcoholic. He is unpredictable to be around and the children must be aware.

Stay strong. You can't fix him. He needs to do this for himself.

I hope he's not drinking at his DMS but reflecting on his misbehaviour and taking time out to appreciate what he might lose.

He has said he has not touched a drop since Sunday. I believe him.

I know I don’t want to give him another chance. It’s just so very hard to have to tell him to his face that it is over. He is devastated that it’s even got this far.

If he’s promised many times before to stop, I don’t see what’s going to be different this time. You’ve kicked him out, yes, but if you take him back, on some level he will get the message that you didn’t mean it. He can work on himself and his drinking where he is, you don’t have to hold his hand through it. Alcoholics are usually incredibly selfish, I’m sure he is devastated now. Devastated that he’s having to face what he’s done. Shame he couldn’t face up to that when he was drinking cans of beer in the car in front of your children. Shame he couldn’t face up to that when he was terrifying your 6yo by calling you names.

I’m probably biased, but I had an alcoholic parent and I remember that feeling of worrying about if he’d come off the wagon, the endless lying and excuses when he did. Stay strong. Think about Al Anon for yourself. Focus on yourself and your children.

OP if it's over you need to tell him.
Don't have him back anytime soon at least until he's proved his commitments to his family as a last chance.
Maybe you're over him. You're call.

Speaking from experience here. Same boat ex drank / had depression & anxiety.

Managed to give up mostly but was talking codeine etc to compensate. Promised many times never to do it again including when in hospital after an ulcer from codeine. It didn't last - I ended it when I came home from work and found him drunk in charge of DD's. Previously it had only ever been when they were in bed and I was home.

I didn't realise until I kicked him out that I was so stressed. When he left a weight lifted off me and I was immediately so much happier.

We are 18 months in - he is now having counselling etc and says he has given up everything which leads me to think he was still compensating etc with other stuff.

It sounds like it's escalating and if it xo to yes you will be in a position where you are working full time to support family but also have to put children in childcare because he is not fit to look after them and he will be sitting on his arse drinking all day.

Honestly it was the best thing I did and I wish I had done it years before!

bollocks that is exactly how I feel. I feel a lot less stressed now that he has been gone all week. Apart from the late night panic attacks that I’m ruining my children’s lives by splitting up the family. I also dread the fallout from his family as they have given us an immense amount of financial and childcare help and I worry they will throw this back in my face. I have a strong family network of my own, a good job so I know in the end I will be ok. I just can’t stand the idea of hurting everyone and being the bad guy as I think a lot of people will think I should give it a chance.

My DD's seem to be coping fine. The oldest could sense the tension in the air and she is definitely happier. The youngest I think is a little more affected she keeps it inside. I think some of that though is going to a church school where virtually everyone has 2 parents so she feels a little different.

His parents are fine with me - his mum rang up the day after and said nothing will change - I think they understand why it happened.

The big thing for me was I felt at that point I could not trust him to put the children first - the drink was beginning to take priority.

Inform yourself on alcoholic as it will become clear that his journey to sobriety is long and sadly for many, unsuccessful.

You can't help him as you will just be an enabler for him to drink. He has to hit his rock bottom and decide he wants to change.

If he has been drunk whilst around your children then leaving him is safeguarding the children. For most people this would be the final straw.

If his family resent you leaving then they are not putting their grandchildren first. If they are disappointed then that should be directed at him, not you.

Children are damaged by being around alcoholic parents as it is much more terrifying for them. If you feel stressed around him, what must it feel like for a small vulnerable child who is powerless and relies on their parent?

I had a relationship with a heavy drinker who stopped for a short while when I left, it didn't last and he is now a non functioning alcoholic. Alcohol is a powerful drug and many struggle to give up. If you stay he is likely to fall back into drinking as the reasons for drinking and addiction haven't been resolved.

He has 2 children, that is usually motivation for most people to stop drinking...why does staying with you the motivation he needs?

Josef I did not have an “emotional affair”. There was no romantic feelings on either side between me and my friend at work. I agreed to stop interacting with him outside of work because my husband asked me to and I thought it would improve things between us. To suggest i “drove him to drink” and he needs to “wake up and move on” suggesting I’m the one in the wrong is just factually incorrect, as I mentioned he has had alcohol issues for years before we even had our children.

The only reason I mentioned the friend at work is to give context to my husbands wildly inaccurate and upsetting comments in front of our children.

Quite frankly I find it suspicious you have now come onto my thread immediately after we have clashed on another regarding security on phone calls from banks. It’s quite disingenuous and feels like you’re just looking to score points.

I’d ask you don’t post on this thread again as I started it hoping for support and advice on how to handle the separation aspect.

I don’t know if anyone is still reading but I really need some advice.

DH came home on Saturday and has been kind of lovebombing me ever since, lots of messages and monologues about how much he loves me and how we can make this work. I feel backed into a corner as I obviously couldn’t reply with how I felt as i can’t end our marriage via text. Then the children were around so we kind of just had a normal day.

I really don’t feel I can move on from this but I am so scared to tell him. I don’t know what to do.

Just say "you need to move out again. This relationship is not working for me anymore and I need to safeguard/less emotive word our children. I don't need a reason but your constant drinking and abusing me in front of the children is untenable."

You need to talk to him and tell him your feelings have not changed. You dont want him there, you need some space. Be honest now With him and save the heartache later on when in a few months, when things have returned to normal and hes not changed and still sat drinking at mid day, possibly 15 cans a day next time. You can do it Op, were all behind you

My ex is an alcoholic. Your husband seems well in his way to being one. When drink is involved and they beg for another chance and you give them one. They then try dfor a few days maybe a couple of weeks then you are back to square one. He will never change. And calling you names and being verbally abusive will increase. I have been in two abusive relationships, the first was absolutely horrific but not down to drink, the second there was no sexual abuse but as his drinking increased he was verbally abusive and it escalated to physical abuse. Please don't tolerate it, he was even drinking in the car which shows he feels he needs to drink.

Hello, sorry I just needed to vent again.

Since my last post we have just been acting as if morning has happened. He actually confessed to drinking 2 beers two days ago after I had gone to bed. But he has somehow made it so I can only say thank you for being honest and we haven’t had a conversation about why I wanted to end things. We have had some family issues that mean I really can’t dump this on them now.

I feel so hopeless and a bit resigned that this is just my life now. Just suck it up and get over it. He’s not drinking so I don’t have a reason to end things now.

Not being happy is reason enough, it really is.

Loss of trust is another reason. Sounds as though it's only a matter of time before he falls off the wagon and you get to say 'I tried'.

My dad was an alcoholic- I'll always advise not to give one any chances. If he truly wanted to change things, he'd go to AA or similar, but he's already reverting.

Tell him to stay sober for 12 months or so and then maybe you'll think about it.

Yes he is already talking about occasions when he can drink. But all that aside I’m still unhappy. Weekends are miserable. He even realised this as he mentioned helping out a friend with a move but it clashed with our wedding anniversary. I said he can help his friend, I don’t mind and he said “I know, you never want me around”. However he is studiously avoiding any conversations, as am I, I suppose.