Hello.
DH and I have been together for 10 years. Married for almost 5, 2 DC aged 4 and 6. We’re in our early 30’s.
It was a bit of a whirlwind romance, met at 20 and got together and lived a very hedonistic lifestyle in a big city. Lots of drinking, drugs etc. Eventually we ran out of money and so moved back to my home city. His family are extremely wealthy so assisted us with rental deposits and so on. I got a job within 2 weeks of moving and have been at the company ever since, I love my work and job. DH does not like his job and over the years has “tried” to change things but always gives up.
Over the past 2 years we have grown increasingly distant; he has always liked a drink and would easily drink 10 beers in an evening, most evenings but would rarely seem drunk. It just became the norm. Sex is non existent because I just don’t feel the need anymore, which is a big issue.
DH’s drinking increased - on the weekends he would start drinking around midday and carry on until Monday. Again; this became the norm. I started to feel really unhappy and like we had rushed into getting married and having children - admittedly this was just after I turned 30. I kept wondering if this is it for the rest of my life; we are snappy with each other and the children.
I got a promotion and worked closely with a bloke a bit younger than me who I got on very well with. From a few of our conversations he kindly suggested I might look into going to the GP as he suspected I had anxiety. I was surprised as DH has had depression and anxiety our entire relationship and I always saw my role as ensuring DH’s life was stress free, I couldn’t be ill as I was needed to make sure the family were happy. The doctor diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. DH didn’t seem to be very impressed with this, when I tried to engage him in conversation about how much the medication and counselling had helped me he just said they didn’t help him at all.
I continued this friendship with this other bloke, texting often and began going on nights out with my new team. My husband got increasingly resentful of this and accused me of having an affair. I thought long and hard about how I had come to be so close to the other man so quickly and realised it was because he actually listened to me, didn’t snap or brush off when I was speaking and seemed to genuinely care for my well-being. I did accept that the friendship had crossed a line and agreed to stop interacting with him outside of work.
However DH’s behaviour worsened dramatically. In the past 3 months he has
-followed me around the house shouting that I am a liar in front of our 6 year old
-called me a slut and a whore with our 3 year old asleep in bed between us
-drank so much on a Sunday he had to take the next day off work, DC6 was off poorly that day, when I got home he was clearly drunk (had been drinking in the day)
-drank himself into a stupor on Saturday night, then insisted on drinking beers in the car on the way home from Sunday lunch
I finally snapped on Monday and asked him to leave for a few days. He is at his parents currently and has been texting me non stop promising he will stop drinking if I only give him one more chance.
In my heart I feel lighter that he is not here. However, I do love him. He is a great dad when he isn’t drinking and he does have significant mental health issues which his entire family play down and do nothing to help. His sister also has mental health problems and their parents have paid for private care for her.
This is far too long. But I am very scared of the future. Scared that I am tearing my children’s life apart and of all the fallout that will come.
Any words of advice?