Loneliness and anxiety

[Getridofanxiety]

Hi

I am wondering if anyone can relate to feeling anxious and lonely, despite living with their dc. I am a single parent to three teens whom I love, but who are not the easiest. They also spend a lot of time in their bedrooms (as is normal I know).

But that's not even the point. After years of being in an emotionally abusive marriage (one of the features of which was being subjected to silent treatments that went on for up to two months), and then being divorced, it is as if I can (only now) suddenly no longer take how lonely I feel. This has been exacerbated because I went on 7 dates with someone whom I really liked, but we decided to be friends instead of taking things further (well he decided, but I had realised that that's what might happen - OLD makes things move too fast and somehow, though we got on, the physical side of things did not happen - too much pressure IMO as it's a weirdly artificial situation - or maybe we just weren't supposed to get together in that way). Those 7 dates made me realise what I was missing in terms of adult company I suppose, and now I feel 10 times worse than I did before , and miss my date - kind of a mini bereavement. Not only that, I worry about what I said or did which might have put him off. I spend quite a lot of time cringing about stuff I said.

Anyway, I have always been an anxious person and I suppose the main manifestation is that I procrastinate a lot. At times the anxiety really flares up and becomes unbearable. While I was dating the person mentioned above, I was incredibly and debilitatingly anxious about whether my messages would be returned (which they always were) and whether there would be another date each week.

Now that the dating has come to an end, I am very anxious in general - I guess a kind of bereaved anxiety or something.

The point is, I feel awful - the anxiety manifests itself as nausea.

With the being lonely - I have friends whom I organise to see, but bottom line, I live without adult company, and feel essentially alone.

I don't know what to do about it - the anxiety which makes me feel sick and the feeling of hopelessness (sometimes it feels like darkness is closing in).

If you have suffered from anxiety and got better, how did you do it? Or what coping mechanisms have you found that work? I am constantly checking my phone for contact from people - whether that's email, or Mumsnet, or whatever. I think part of the problem is that I am in fact a very sociable person (though not extrovert) who really needs people, and I have just had enough of being the only adult here. When I think of what it was like when my ex and I got on better (first half of the marriage) - how much noise there was in the house. Us talking, the kids small and downstairs always doing stuff, extended family coming to visit, Mum friends coming to visit. Compared to now . It's pretty devastating.

I don't know how to get out of this rut and make my life better / happier. I know that in many ways I am privileged, but I don't know how to stop feeling sick with anxiety, and just down.

OP have you had any type of medication to help with the anxiety or therapy?

The only thing that's helped my anxiety is medication. The anxieties I had where I'd go over conversations in my head things like that have gone.

I can relate. Living on my own triggered my anxiety, I've got tons of friends and was out a lot but at the end of the day coming home to an empty house was not good for me. I think I had far too much time on my own to think things over and get anxious about things, there was no one there to distract me. Exercise was my turning point.

I can relate to what you describe. I've been on my own nearly a year now but I remember the anxiety was overwhelming when I first moved into my place alone. I still get the encroaching blackness and the obsessive phone checking occasionally, but I find going outside helps, as does watching a good boxset, leaving my phone somewhere I can't see it, reading, mindfulness exercises or just calm breathing, listening to the radio (as it's real time talking) and doing housework. So, keeping busy but also slowly allowing the feelings and learning to tolerate them.

That said, I think the first break up after a divorce/separation often hits you hard as it contains all the ongoing hurt and processing of feelings from both. Be kind to yourself - what do you do for you? Eat properly (I regularly fail on this...) and keep a good sleep routine.

It's hard but all feelings do pass

No medication, no. And I guess that for various reasons I would rather not, amongst other reasons, I am scared it would make me feel worse at first and that I wouldn't be able to cope with that. Though it's interesting that medication makes the recurrent thoughts stop.

I do see a psychotherapist yes.

What kind of exercise did you do @userxx, and what effect did it have?

That's called 'rumination' and that's very positive that you've noticed a difference.

There's an organisation called Anxiety UK who have cheap therapy for those earning under a certain amount or on benefits (I don't know your financial situation and am used to working with people without funds). They offer hypnotherapy, acupuncture, CBT and counselling.

They would be my first point of call as they have a helpline you can call and they also have an information pack you might find helpful.

Another path to try is mindfulness. We often function on 'autopilot' and aren't in touch with ourselves and our feelings. Mindfulness is a way of simply accepting your feelings, not fighting them and just being 'aware' of what's going on with yourself. You might find it useful.

Your local domestic abuse organisation which you can find here. May have access to counselling for those experiencing or having experienced domestic abuse. You may still be suffering the effects of that.

Other things you may find helpful. Exercise, fresh air and sunlight (most are low in Vitamin D), cut out/down on booze, good nutritious food, plenty of water, cut out caffeine and sugar and a good multi vitamin and mineral supplement.

Since you're lonely and miss adult company, have you tried meetup.com? How about a course? History, a foreign language, guitar, salsa, life drawing, creative writing...? Where you can get out and meet people? The more you isolate yourself, the harder it is to get out.

Sorry OP, I read someone else's post as yours. I see you're not on medication.

Sorry I missed your post @Misty9. I can really relate to your post, and I a sorry you also experience the encroaching blackness and the obsessive phone checking .

That said, I think the first break up after a divorce/separation often hits you hard as it contains all the ongoing hurt and processing of feelings from both. - yes I agree. But the weird thing about this is that it wasn't a relationship - we went on 7 dates and did not get physically close. I did really like him however, and hope that in the future we may be able to be friends.

Thanks for your suggestions and links @12345kbm, I will definitely look up Anxiety UK.

The thing about mindfulness which scares me is that you would be intentionally letting your upsetting thoughts wash over you - not sure I could handle it! Will also look up meet.up, and try Vitamin D.

The thing about meet.up etc. is that they feel like sticking plasters, but I guess I am not going to be able to go back in time to a happier relationship with my ex and a noisy/happy house, so I have to start somewhere.

It was a high intensity group workout that I went to 4 times a week. Being out of the house made me feel better but also I got in really good shape, strong body = strong mind kind of thing. I also slept really well as my body was tired. So many benefits to it.

I guess nothing can replace a close intimate relationship with someone, and that's what I miss. I feel as if I have been lonely for years - first with my ex during the many years that our relationship was rubbish, and now now.

Had I known that I would end up feeling worse, I would not have tried the online dating. I was better off not knowing that there was this nice person in the world with whom I had a good connection and had become friends with (I feel at least), and then bam, suddenly I can't see them or contact them (at least for now). I have this feeling that I won't be able to find someone else who has the qualities that he has - the way he thinks, expresses himself, the understanding that he has, his sense of humour etc...

Thanks @userxx.

OP I don’t have much useful advice for you, but you have my sympathy and I also know how consuming anxiety can be.
I do feel better for getting outside as often as possible, and being physically tired at the end of the day. Hope you feel better soon

OP it's normal to miss someone and grieve what could have been. It's not a nice place to be but those are normal feelings. The reason you're being encouraged to go out and meet people, is because having a support network is important, your anxiety will get worse if you isolate yourself and you may meet someone if you're out and about.

Mindfulness doesn't quite work like that and it's useful to actually do a course, rather than try it by yourself. Give it a go.

There are alternatives to traditional medication such as 5 HTP, SAM e and St John's Wort. Perhaps have a read about those.

Magnesium is also very good. A warm bath before you go to bed with Epson Salts, which is magnesium, helps relax the muscles. You can also try a supplement as well.

I found volunteering really helped with my anxiety and it helped me connect with adults with similar interests, could this be something you could do? Find out stuff you like and enjoy and explore that further? I've found by doing little things that I enjoy week in and week out im getting more and more confident as time goes on.

Speaking with a professional might help too! You might need some support to process what you've bee. Through.

I definitely think the adage to start loving yourself is important. Rather than trying to seek validation from outside take baby steps to give that to yourself.

I’m not trying to be flippant or come across as an idiot but I got a dog a year ago and it really did change my life in a good way. I also have teenagers who are in their rooms a lot. Dog sleeps with me and everything. He’s an amazing companion

I also agree with all the other advice other people have given you

I hope you can find some peace OP

I think all you said is completely understandable. Volunteering came to my mind too and maybe making some changes to your daily routine so you feel you have some more adult company even if it's not a direct relationship. Try not to worry about how you come across to people. So you may say some cringey things ! So what!? I would find that more fun and a positive thing in a friend/relationship. It's generally if someone is very serious and quiet they are more difficult to interact with. Just relax and be interested in the other person.
Side note: I've always wondered why there are so many people with dogs around ! Esp older people. It's only now I've realised it's probably to counter loneliness in many people. I'd never realised that fully. How interesting.

Another who thinks it might help if you learn to love yourself a little more and relax around all sorts of different people, before thinking too much about getting in the dating game.
What do you enjoy doing ? What did you used to do ? Or what would you like to have done ?
Join things - a choir or a badminton club means you get to do something with other people without so much pressure to talk as something like a book group. Or volunteering - can be anything from doing a bit of gardening at your local hospice to being a Guide Leader - depending how much interaction you want with people and how much responsibility you want. You could become a befriender with one of the charities that asks people to visit and phone people who are feeling isolated. Or volunteer at a library - so you chat to people but all brief encounters and not having to get into too deep a conversation to begin with.
Or start going to a Church, or to WI or Townswomen's Guild or any of the other organisations that meet monthly and do interesting stuff. You say you like company, and doing a shared hobby / interest takes away the pressure of meeting someone one to one for a date, but gets you mingling again.

Perspective is a tough area to change and we are all bound by it.

When you met a man on OLD and it did not work out, your perspective could have been that you now knew you could start a new relationship and try again. After all, you were both in a relationship, so the ending of it even if he said the words were because both of you were not right for each other. However, your perspective tells you that it is just you and has focused on things that you said.

The advice on here is about mingling with more people so less pressure, but anything that helps you to step back and try to see other perspectives may also help you to be less judgemental on yourself. It is really tough though - we are all our worst critics and add in anxiety and it gets tougher!

Dear all, thanks a lot for your kind and informative messages.

I don't think the dog is a flippant suggestion @Menora - I can totally see why that would make things easier, but I am not sure that I am a dog person, or have the funds for one at the moment. Your dog sounds lovely, and very companionable.

Thanks for all the volunteering suggestions - in fact I have applied to volunteer in a hostel for homeless people (fortnightly), so we'll see if they accept my application. Thanks for the other suggestions as well.

I agree about the self-validation. It's just a bit of a bitter pill to swallow, that in fact you are not ready to be with anybody. Re. the online date and I, maybe we weren't supposed to be together (possible), or maybe we met at the wrong time... , or maybe hundreds of other possibilities and I guess it doesn't really matter. I agree that it is about perspective, and that it is easy to think negative thoughts in a kind of downward spiral.

Are you feeling a bit better OP?

I was feeling better this afternoon @12345kbm, my stomach felt the calmest it has felt in a long time, but then darkness starts to fall and the feeling of dread returns.

Dropped two of my dc at their Dad’s and the fact that we are not on speaking terms at all is a permanent reminder of the trauma of the end of our marriage and divorce. I don’t think I am ever going to get over it.

It also doesn’t help that I don’t have a job at the moment and am living off savings. And that though I am applying for work etc, I feel oddly disconnected from it all.

Contacted two old people from a course I went on to say let’s get together but though they responded yes!! neither has come back with her availability so maybe that connection has gone.

It just feels like a permanent being alone. But I remember what it was like, to be part of something bigger and to be wanted. First with my parents and sibling, and then in the good (or better) years of my marriage.

It’s kind of a longing for that connection to return - or to have it with someone as it was never great with my ex even when it was better.

I guess it’s about being strong on your own - but I am not sure how to go about that or what it would feel like.

OP I'm about to go out but will get back to you on this soon. Hang in there.

Try to see yourself at the beginning of a journey which is going in the right direction, feeling uncomfortable now but better things to come. Imagine yourself happy and fulfilled in a year - what would it look like, what kind of job, what kind of relationship, what kind of relationship with your teens am ex (ie getting on better?) - picture it and decide you will wok towards that, and be prepared for feeling rubbish for a bit longer but stay confident that eventually it will pass and something better will come along.

Really good thing for this is going for long walks of 2 or 3 hours, as by the end you will have feel good hormones released, and you may have ideas about things you'd like to do, some new direction or adventure. Invest time in your teens too, force them out of their rooms to do particular things.

When you get your new job with lots of lovely people that will change your dynamics. Starting a new hobby, a new course, making sure you are happy with your health and fitness, just keep trying new things until something sticks and makes you happy.

I have this feeling that I won't be able to find someone else who has the qualities that he has - the way he thinks, expresses himself, the understanding that he has, his sense of humour etc... you are wrong, there are lots of lovely people out there, men and women, kiss a few frogs but keep the relationship you want in your mind.

*teens and ex not teens am ex

I am in the same position as you OP. Left my marriage 5 years ago after feeling incredibly lonely and unwanted and three years ago started a relationship with someone who would never commit to me but I’ve fallen for him so hard. I know I need to forget and move on as it’s over but I just can’t. The whole ruminating thing is massive for me. Tuesday I was painting and I can literally go over the same ten words in my head for the 6 hours I was painting and it’s relentless.
I’m off with my daughter this week and even though she’s here I’m still so low and close to tears several times a day, even when I’m supposed to be having fun.
I’m at a crossroads now of going to the doctor and admitting I’ve never recovered from the first break up or giving myself a kick up the arse but just don’t know how. On paper I have it all apart from a partner but realistically I’m dying inside.
If you want to pm I’m always around and hope you can pick yourself up from this crappy time