Loneliness and anxiety

[Getridofanxiety]

Hi

I am wondering if anyone can relate to feeling anxious and lonely, despite living with their dc. I am a single parent to three teens whom I love, but who are not the easiest. They also spend a lot of time in their bedrooms (as is normal I know).

But that's not even the point. After years of being in an emotionally abusive marriage (one of the features of which was being subjected to silent treatments that went on for up to two months), and then being divorced, it is as if I can (only now) suddenly no longer take how lonely I feel. This has been exacerbated because I went on 7 dates with someone whom I really liked, but we decided to be friends instead of taking things further (well he decided, but I had realised that that's what might happen - OLD makes things move too fast and somehow, though we got on, the physical side of things did not happen - too much pressure IMO as it's a weirdly artificial situation - or maybe we just weren't supposed to get together in that way). Those 7 dates made me realise what I was missing in terms of adult company I suppose, and now I feel 10 times worse than I did before , and miss my date - kind of a mini bereavement. Not only that, I worry about what I said or did which might have put him off. I spend quite a lot of time cringing about stuff I said.

Anyway, I have always been an anxious person and I suppose the main manifestation is that I procrastinate a lot. At times the anxiety really flares up and becomes unbearable. While I was dating the person mentioned above, I was incredibly and debilitatingly anxious about whether my messages would be returned (which they always were) and whether there would be another date each week.

Now that the dating has come to an end, I am very anxious in general - I guess a kind of bereaved anxiety or something.

The point is, I feel awful - the anxiety manifests itself as nausea.

With the being lonely - I have friends whom I organise to see, but bottom line, I live without adult company, and feel essentially alone.

I don't know what to do about it - the anxiety which makes me feel sick and the feeling of hopelessness (sometimes it feels like darkness is closing in).

If you have suffered from anxiety and got better, how did you do it? Or what coping mechanisms have you found that work? I am constantly checking my phone for contact from people - whether that's email, or Mumsnet, or whatever. I think part of the problem is that I am in fact a very sociable person (though not extrovert) who really needs people, and I have just had enough of being the only adult here. When I think of what it was like when my ex and I got on better (first half of the marriage) - how much noise there was in the house. Us talking, the kids small and downstairs always doing stuff, extended family coming to visit, Mum friends coming to visit. Compared to now . It's pretty devastating.

I don't know how to get out of this rut and make my life better / happier. I know that in many ways I am privileged, but I don't know how to stop feeling sick with anxiety, and just down.

First of all OP, we have a load of positives here so let's not override those.

You had a time, brief though it may be, of not feeling anxious. Well done. I know you may not think it's much but that's real progress.

Secondly, you contacted some people. See, you're amazing. You're struggling against anxiety and you had the gumption to contact some people.With contact comes the chance of rejection and you faced that down and their responses were - drum roll - positive! See. People do like you. If they didn't like you, they wouldn't bother to respond.

Getting people nailed to dates and times is nothing whatsoever personal. It's a nightmare at any time. But congrats on trying!

Thirdly, I'm sorry to hear about the end of your marriage. That's crap but, you're in touch with your feelings. It makes you feel down and you know why and you know what? That's ok. Accept those feelings and let them sit there. No need to judge or ignore or push them away. Let them just be.

Finally, your longing for connection. We all want that or, most of us do anyway. You're human OP and wanting a connection or longing for a connection is perfectly normal. Making friends, joining courses, taking pottery classes, ab sailing - none of things make up for not having that connection. But - you can keep working on you. You can be kind to yourself. You can see what you do have and be grateful for that. And, never say never OP.

I hope you have a great weekend and that relaxing feeling you experienced today gets longer and longer until you wonder how it felt like at all.

@onaplanetthatsevolving, @12345kbm and @pennee thank you for your kind messages - I will answer in more detail tomorrow.

@pennee I am sorry you are feeling so bad. You are also welcome to PM me anytime .

12345kbm wanted to say thank you as your advice is really helpful not just for the op but for other readers such as myself.

Op alot of what you say resonates, just wanted you to know you're not alone in your feelings.

@Ididit2019 Sweetpea, I am forever posting in the hope that what I'm saying is reaching out to someone somewhere. It may not be helpful to the OP but, someone reading may click that link or read those words and feel better or be able to reach out to some place helpful.

I'm about to go back to full time employment and the reason I was posting in the first place was because I saw all these brave women, trying to help others. I'm not going to have this time in a couple of months but, to have heard one person saying that my posts are helpful is sweetness to my ears.

Thank you and I am so glad to have helped.

Sorry, I had name changed to ask about something else, and forgot to change back.

Thanks so much for your messages @onaplanetthatsevolving, @12345kbm and @pennee.

Accept those feelings and let them sit there. No need to judge or ignore or push them away. Let them just be. - that’s a really helpful way of looking at things, thank you. In fact all your post is kind of about reframing things @12345kbm, which is eye opening for me.

Finally, your longing for connection. We all want that or, most of us do anyway. You're human OP and wanting a connection or longing for a connection is perfectly normal. - yes apologies, I don’t want to be self-pitying and of course many people are in my same boat, and in many ways I am very privileged.

I hope you have a great weekend and that relaxing feeling you experienced today gets longer and longer until you wonder how it felt like at all. - thank you.

@pennee - I am sorry things are so hard abs you are also welcome to PM me anytime. In fact in comparison I feel like a fraud as I only went on a series of dates with my person, and yes now it feels shit, but nothing like it would feel had we got/been together. It must be really hard, and I hope you find things that help .

@onaplanetthatsevolving - all your post really touched me - thank you so much. Positive visualisation is a really good idea and feels hopeful. The 2 to 3 hour walks to release feel good chemicals sound great and I will be doing that!

you are wrong, there are lots of lovely people out there, men and women - this helps with the sadness - it’s kind of irrational to think that only that one person would have done (and in any case I wasn’t sure about the romantic side of things, it’s just that as a person I really liked him, and we had become friends (or at least I thought we had ) - this probably meant less to him than it does to me, I don’t know).

@getridofanxiety routine helped me, still does.
And exercise. Do you have a gym membership? I found that doing exercise classes (body pump, pilates, circuits) help me enormously. When I started I was crap at it. I know, it’s the last bloody thing you’d want to do, but it really does make a difference.
First, it’s time to yourself.
It’s time in company of other humans.
Gets you out of the house.
You sleep better.
Do try it.

The only thing that kept me sane through my separation was running. It still does.

Op alot of what you say resonates, just wanted you to know you're not alone in your feelings. thank you @Ididit2019 - I hope you are okay.

And sorry @12345kbm, should have wished you a lovely weekend back (and to everyone else). You have been so kind to post multiple times.

Thanks @BuddhaAtSea - I will try to get into exercise - yes it kind of is the last thing you feel like doing - my anxious stomach kind of immobilises me when I feel like that - but I guess it’s about pushing through that. Thank you .

( And out of the house, other humans, sleeping better, that all sounds great - just this night I have been awake LOADS).

@Getridofanxiety you don’t need to feel a fraud. It doesn’t matter how long it was, it’s still left you with the same feelings.
My problem is too much down time and thinking time and my ability to not switch off. I do have a dog but I will spend the entire dog walking time going over and over words said. I feel like I need to get out of my own head if that makes sense and don’t know whether asking the doctor for anti depressants will help that at all?

Hi @pennee - I am sorry it sounds really hard. I don’t know about anti-depressants - I have never taken them and can only go by things other people have said. I would be scared of taking them in terms of them apparently making people feel worse at first, but I do know that in some cases they help.

I hope someone with more experience of anti-depressants can come along to the thread, or maybe you could start a thread about that?

Do you talk to a counsellor at all? I think talking therapies are great but I know that they are not for everyone. Referral times are long or you go privately and that costs.

Sometimes I think I’ve come this far, why bother with any medication. It’s just a bad week I think.

I haven’t had any counselling no and it is something I've considered. I don’t talk to anyone in real life either about all this stuff so it is something I should consider. Sorry I feel like I’ve hijacked your thread. I just wanted you to know your not alone.

No, you haven’t hijacked it at all. I am glad you found the thread. I am happy to talk and I think others will be too .

Thank you @getridofanxiety

How you feeling today? Any plans.
We are off to a little cafe that welcomes dogs then after that back home to just relax.

Okay thank you. Will PM you @pennee.

Human connections are vital for us to survive emotionally and physically - that is why solitary confinement is the worst punishment / torture.

In your EA marriage this is what your DH subjected you to - have you had any acknowledgement or addressed the trauma and emotional injury this caused?

Loneliness is your bodies natural alarm telling you need connections. No different to hunger and thirst telling you need food and drink. But you don’t need a 5 course gourmet meal and champagne to relieve that physical need (even though the fantasy is understandable) you just need simple snacks and sips of water to start with to meet your basic needs to stop you deteriorating and becoming ill.

I am trying to paint a clumsy analogy with relationships. Maybe you don’t need a deep long term intensely intimate sexual RS to meet your basic needs right now (although like the 5 course meal and champagne it would be lovely) - maybe you just need lots of snacks and sips of water to build you back up. A chat with a friend, passing time with a stranger even on the bus, connections through hobbie, sport etc. Just little connections but make them count and be authentic. Your mind and body needs some connections - don’t deny what it’s crying out for by distraction in solitary pursuits.

For that feeling of wanting to get out of your head, I recommend looking into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) as it's a combination of mindfulness and a variation of CBT but with much more focus on allowing your thoughts and feelings to just be. A good book to get an idea of it is The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. A big part of it is identifying your values and then choosing to live your life in line with those. I prefer it to CBT.

Acceptance that your feelings are valid sounds like a good idea to me. You feel like you will never get over your divorce, feel lost out of work and feel awful about losing the man you connected with recently. Rather than feel anxious about these feelings maybe it would help to see that you are having normal feelings? You are genuinely having a really tough time and it is ok to feel this, to cry, vent, hug yourself.

In therapy after my divorce (he had an affair, marriage ended abruptly, devastating at the time) my therapist said rather than me keep feeling anxious about unanswered questions and stressing about stress, it is importance to reach acceptance. Acceptance that questions would not be answered, acceptance that it was a shock and I felt shit hurt, acceptance that I had to build a new life.

As well as acceptance, try finding things to be happy about even if just for brief moments. TBH, I have days where I struggle with this one, but it is worth trying.

Wishing you and others on this thread better times ahead!

In your EA marriage this is what your DH subjected you to - have you had any acknowledgement or addressed the trauma and emotional injury this caused?

Thanks for your message @Gutterton - I do see a counsellor, but no, there is no one that I have really managed to talk about the above with (at length in a therapeutic setting I mean) or the effect it had (still has) on me. I am looking around for things which might help.

Loneliness is your bodies natural alarm telling you need connections. - yes.

Your mind and body needs some connections - don’t deny what it’s crying out for by distraction in solitary pursuits. - yes it really is this - as if that’s the only thing that matters to me now - to be “in relation” with others. I could get rid of all the “stuff” that’s in my house, heck even the house itself (maybe not !!) and just live in relation to others. That’s why communes that function well must be great places I think. We are meant to live in packs IMO - with space to retreat to if necessary.

Thank you for the ACT recommendation @Misty9 - I will also have a look at the book.

You feel like you will never get over your divorce, feel lost out of work and feel awful about losing the man you connected with recently. - yes I do feel all of those things @Chocmallows, and yes maybe I should try to learn to look at those feelings (as well as carrying on trying to find work obvs!) and just accept that they are there without permanently mentally fighting against them, making them worse?

I am sorry about the end of your marriage, which sounds really hard.

I am just so sick of the anxious feeling returning with a vengeance every evening especially ☹️.

@Getridofanxiety have you thought about joining a club or something? I went back to uni part time and made lots of friends and it's really set me on the right path.

It's really hard OP, I've a teenager too and they can be so needy one minute and not need you at all the next and you realise you've spend 15 years creating this young adult and not much of that time on yourself.

OP I am glad it touched you. I was thinking about what had been said about "solitary" pursuits. I think probably both can be good, the long walk I mentioned is solitary for that period of time, but if it helps to make you feel grounded, more yourself, more positive then that is good as it might help you make the right connections with the right people for you, and continuously nurture the connections you already have.

@myheadsnotinagreatplace - yes teenagers are challenging in a way I had not expected - I hadn’t expected that they could make me feel so hopeless at times . A club of some kind is a good idea - need to get organised and push against the inertia!

@onaplanetthatsevolving - I agree.

I have that teenage thing (x 3) as well, needing 100% commitment and attention one minute, then disappearing to their rooms for days. Very difficult to adapt to. At least toddlers are 100% full on all the time and you know what’s expected