Seems petty but....

[CaptainJ]

Looking for some perspective on this - Anyone else get through life (and many relationships) and think; no partner/boyfriend etc has ever gone out of their way to make you feel special? I'm 33, had some long relationships with fairly decent guys, but none of them have ever shown that they cared by planning or creating special experiences for me - I know that you shouldn't use the same standards that you hold for yourself on others... when its other people I like to put in effort, not necessarily a lot of cost, but I do want them to know that I have thought about what they would like and try to make them feel excited and surprised.

It was my birthday recently, and I guy that I have been with for over 5 months gave me a card and came to the conclusion that he wanted to buy me a plant but that I should pick. We were walking around a city and it was pretty impractical for me to carry a plant around.

I don't care about the cost of things, its the thought that matters - the fact that someone takes the time to prepare themselves to do an act of kindness. I work A LOT and have just moved for a new job to a new country and I was really holding out for this person to show me a little TLC or to make me feel special. I just felt like he delegated it to me.

This sounds incredibly petty, as I am writing this feel pretty cringed out by the point of this message. I know I can do a better job of looking after my own happiness and perhaps put too much emphasis on the Other to show me care BUT honestly.... What are other peoples expectations. How would others feel?

For context - we both earn pretty much the same, and on the weekend I booked a lovely hotel because we went to a city and he offered to pay half... I was a little reluctant or at least trying to be subtle about taking half of the cost and before I could finish my sentence he was like - OK offer off the table. He said he would pay for dinner as I paid £170 for the room.... dinner was £30, and we split the cocktails. He is pretty much the nicest person I have ever met and his parents did joke that he was purse tight but is it so damn wrong to want to be treated - I feel so guilty about it.

And if so - How do I communicate without sounding shallow?

I booked a tasting menu for his bday because I know that is something that he would love to try, but I am probably going to cancel it because it seems a little too much, maybe a plant will do.

A plant is my favourite present!

I see where you're coming from. I guess you feel like you'd put in more effort hence the tasting menu and you having to choose your own present. I wouldn't want to choose my own. It takes away the specialness of it. Tight with the purse strings too, I couldn't deal with that. It might become an issue further along down the line

no partner/boyfriend etc has ever gone out of their way to make you feel special?

How old are you? 8?

I actually would be concerned if after 5 months he chose a present (the plant) but wanted ME to pick it!!!! Screams lazy to me! I actually don’t think you’re being petty at all...

Yeah, he sounds tight. No way would my dh have let me pay for the hotel, even in the early days. I think it just comes down to whether you have a generous nature or not, and he doesn’t sound like he has.

I think that given how short a time you've been together, his gift to you was fine and yours to him sounds over the top.

no partner/boyfriend etc has ever gone out of their way to make you feel special?

How old are you? 8?
I don't see anything wrong with wanting to feel special in a relationship. In fact I would say it is hugely important. I am not 8, I am 55!

You sound a bit too Disney princessy and needy. And the guy is a tightarse.
Like hell I would pay for someone else’s hotel room.

It’s not petty.

I know exactly where you’re coming from OP and I think the problem is expecting the same amount of effort from other people as you would put in yourself which is exactly what I would do.
I go all out for birthdays but I know my DP just thinks card, present, done. I’ve learnt to just either say what I’d like to happen or just organise it myself.
However if he is tight that’s a whole other issue entirely and not something I could live with

I am happy with little gestures. The man I am seeing buys a bag of haribo and eats the ones I don’t like then brings me the rest of the ones I do like 😂

But I think your situation is a little annoying I can see why because him offering to pay half then retracting it was quite rude. The plant wouldn’t bother me too much

I know what you mean in a way.

My DP is amazing at knowing what I need when I need it, he knows me better than I do sometimes and if he sees something when he's out that he thinks I'll like he'll always pick it up, but I do the same for him too.
It's very much a two way street.

Saying that, a plant is a lovely gift and something that my DP would pick up for me.

What did you expect him to get you (genuinely asking, not being rude!)? He mightn't have a clue and thought a plant would be a safe bet.
Ultimately you need to speak to him.

Thanks for the replies so far. Not 8 but I take on board that knee jerk reaction to my question can seem a bit petty. And yes - I think my gift idea or how I show my affectionate is a little too grand for 5 months in. Its not about the money - it is about taking the time and being considerate. Thanks all for the messages.

Ignore the stupid comments on here. It’s not unreasonable at all! I certainly get how u feel. I see people around me and their bfs are doing really thoughtful things like elaborate surprise engagements and romantic gestures and it makes u feel a bit meh when the biggest surprise I get is he remembered to put the toilet seat down! Maybe just ease off on what u do for people and think more about yourself.

@restingbitchface30 - Yeah I think I probably should divert a wee bit. Its like mood matching, I really struggle with it at a start of a relationship because I like to treat people with gestures and new experiences (events) and then years later I realise that -hmph.. this is all a bit XXXX.

I thought Id try and figure out where I might be going wrong and save myself a bit of time. Tapping into what others peoples views are and the response has been useful.

I hear where you are coming from and think I understand.
I would say two things though.
I think many people, maybe particularly men, tend to play their cards very close to their chest when it comes to extravagant gestures. We are all primed to not make a fool of ourselves/make ourselves vulnerable in the early stages of relationships and this could be why a plant seemed more reasonable than a diamond necklace. Secondly, not all of us are good at ‘plans’, so booking hotels, meals etc. is just to much to organise.
Being made to feel special actually comes from kind gestures; remembering if you have a big day at work, checking you are safely home in bad weather and so on. But you know that. And you deserve that.
I’m not being much help I know but I want to reassure you that you are not being unreasonable. I would say be clear that you do expect thoughtfulness as a minimum in any relationship, don’t settle for less. You are capable of being happy without a partner, don’t settle for someone who won’t give you what you deserve.

Take some responsibility. You sound like you're in victim mode. 'Poor me, I didn't get a present i liked and I'll sound crap if I tell him I feel this way.'
If you feel he's not making enough effort for you, tell him. If he thinks you're shallow, he'll leave. Maybe you are. But so what? You'll be free to find someone who makes you really happy. It's not up to him to be the right person for you. It's up to you to keep moving on until you find that person.

You paid for the hotel room and he split the cocktails????

I don’t agree with the Mumsnet “no celebrating birthdays after age 10” brigade.

I like a thoughtful gesture on my birthday. It doesn’t need to be anything that costs a lot of money but FFS if you can’t feel special on your birthday then when can you? A plant is a lovely gift but I wouldn’t be impressed by a present that I had to chose myself either. It’s the lack of effort that stings, not the monetary value.

As for the hotel room & meal out - you should probably have agreed a budget and paid half each.

@Eckhart - you're right... I will speak with him
@Sunflowernet - Yes... I think a kitty is the way forward. At least then its obvious that we are both equal. Im happy with equal.

@BluebellCockleshell123 yeah I think being upfront with costs and having a kitty is going to help. Working abroad and everytime he visits its going to be a good idea to square a budget. A plant would have been fine (especially as I am new to country and just moved into a rather sparse flat) - but it didnt happen because there wasnt a practical time to look for a plant in the city. And then he went back to the UK. Just feeling a bit Meh and glad for the vent. Thanks! I have a plan now. #Kitty! and then assess.

He's wrong for you. I'd never get involved with a tight arse. Everyone has the right to feel special!

I know what you mean. My dp is great, and can be very generous but spontaneous is not in his vocabulary. He's getting slightly better after 6 years though. But he's absolutely not the type for romantic gestures.. 🙄.

I have given up expecting a card of any kind, but he does try and put thought into gifts now. This year I got a bottle of very posh gin. Fish and chips brought home (unable to go out for dinner due to work and being on call), and we are going away next month.

I can look at the flip side.. My ex husband was full of grand gestures for xmas and birthdays, but spent the other 363 days of the year getting blind drunk and being physically and mentally abusive, so I will take fish and chips quite happily these days 😁

So, you're not in the same country either?