Seems petty but....

[CaptainJ]

Looking for some perspective on this - Anyone else get through life (and many relationships) and think; no partner/boyfriend etc has ever gone out of their way to make you feel special? I'm 33, had some long relationships with fairly decent guys, but none of them have ever shown that they cared by planning or creating special experiences for me - I know that you shouldn't use the same standards that you hold for yourself on others... when its other people I like to put in effort, not necessarily a lot of cost, but I do want them to know that I have thought about what they would like and try to make them feel excited and surprised.

It was my birthday recently, and I guy that I have been with for over 5 months gave me a card and came to the conclusion that he wanted to buy me a plant but that I should pick. We were walking around a city and it was pretty impractical for me to carry a plant around.

I don't care about the cost of things, its the thought that matters - the fact that someone takes the time to prepare themselves to do an act of kindness. I work A LOT and have just moved for a new job to a new country and I was really holding out for this person to show me a little TLC or to make me feel special. I just felt like he delegated it to me.

This sounds incredibly petty, as I am writing this feel pretty cringed out by the point of this message. I know I can do a better job of looking after my own happiness and perhaps put too much emphasis on the Other to show me care BUT honestly.... What are other peoples expectations. How would others feel?

For context - we both earn pretty much the same, and on the weekend I booked a lovely hotel because we went to a city and he offered to pay half... I was a little reluctant or at least trying to be subtle about taking half of the cost and before I could finish my sentence he was like - OK offer off the table. He said he would pay for dinner as I paid £170 for the room.... dinner was £30, and we split the cocktails. He is pretty much the nicest person I have ever met and his parents did joke that he was purse tight but is it so damn wrong to want to be treated - I feel so guilty about it.

And if so - How do I communicate without sounding shallow?

I booked a tasting menu for his bday because I know that is something that he would love to try, but I am probably going to cancel it because it seems a little too much, maybe a plant will do.

I feel what you're saying OP. For my ex and I, it was his birthday when we'd been together 9 months. We were on holiday for his bday, I took presents abroad (including a driving experience he'd always said he wanted), decorated the hotel room with balloons, brought cards with me from friends and family etc and bought some thoughtful little gifts and then took him out for dinner at a restaurant he had been saying he would like to visit.

My birthday was about 2 months later and he did nothing. No card, no flowers. I asked if we were doing anything nice and he said 'I'd not planned to. What do you want to do?'. He ended up taking me to a shopping centre because he said he wanted to buy me trainers but seemed really pissed off when I couldnt find any I liked. Hed put in zero thought and made no effort, which was representative of how he was towards our whole relationship. It was the beginning of the end for us.

OP, I think I would have a talk with him and let him know what you'd like. Not in a grabby way, obviously. Perhaps ask him how he's treated other people in the past. He may not realise that different people need different things to feel satisfied and cared for. Let him know what's important to you.

Oh but also ... about being tight. That IS frustrating but being with a spendaholic is pretty horrendous too .. so swings and roundabouts. I know which I'd choose

DartmoorChef thanks for the reply and perspective

Op I get you! A plant is about as exciting as talking to a plant, just not very thoughtful seeing as you had to oikc it and carry it. A plant as part of a couple of presents he'd brought round would be fine. You just want effort back I don't see the problem with that so ignore the posts that don't expect much in terms of standards

Hang on a sec... Are you saying that he travelled a long way to see you for your birthday? Maybe he saw that as a significant part of your gift? I'm guessing that cost quite a bit?

Justmuddlingalong - Yeah we live in separate countries he's in the UK and Im around a 2 hour flight away. We share the travel between us through the month.

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife That sounds very much like something I would do. I remember when I lived with a guy in my early 20s, I had suprised him with a night away (we had been together for over a year) and he was so grateful. We both had pretty humble upbringings and I could see how touched he was. My birthday was two months after and he did not even give me a card. We ended up getting on a bus and I remember sitting in a market eating a panini (think a market arcade in a NE town). Its how the previous poster wrote - its the sting. The intention wasnt there.

SandAndSea maybe he factored in the travel. We do forecast for cheap flights but yeah, he could have. But again, I think it was the fact that he wanted me to buy the plant and came and left without even fulfilling. Its not really about the cost of the gift (and I am pretty frugal myself) it really is about the other persons effort to make another person feel special.

I thought before that I didn't care for the gestures, but my current boyfriend makes them all the time. I confess it's lovely! However, it's not the money is it, with these things? I'm happy when they see a bar of chocolate I like and get it for me. He could've chosen the plant and stuck a big bow on it!

I get you OP. I don't think you sound petty, but perhaps you were expecting a bit much for only 5 months in?

He does sound tight though. Offering to pay half - for YOUR birthday trip - then snatching it back? Dick move. Coupled with the travel issues I think I'd probably throw this one back.

Anyone else get through life (and many relationships) and think; no partner/boyfriend etc has ever gone out of their way to make you feel special

I do think that in general I spend more time/energy doing nice things for people than I get back. But that's how I express love - I spend my valuable time and effort on someone. Thankfully my DS is a chip off the old block, brings me a cuppa in bed most mornings. What parent could want more? 😁

I remember years ago, my first job after leaving school. I was very close to a colleague there and he was going through a bit of a turbulent time. Every Saturday morning at work it was my job to switch on the ovens and fryers and my friend would often come in early (unpaid) just to keep me company and help with a few bits and bobs.

One particular morning he was realllllly hungover so I told him to go sit down as he was just getting under my feet. About 15 mins later I brought him a strong coffee and a jam doughnut fresh from the oven. He legit had tears in his eyes and said "I think this might be the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."

It's not about money, is it? It's about someone knowing you well enough, and giving enough of a shit, to give some thought to your wants and needs.

Hmmm OP.. I think this is a case for love languages aswel as him being tight and selfish.

I myself actually love grand gestures. I'm not a princess. I'm a Queen. Don't care if others are happy with just a card and a generix box of nice smellies. I'm not happy with it so i don't accept it.

Let me ask you a question.. Would you sell a diamond as big as your fist to someone for £50 and £10 NEXT voucher? No?
Well you would actually. Because your doing it now. You are a DIAMOND OP.

Look at all the things your willing to put into a partner. That's DIAMOND behaviour and a DIAMOND heart you've got. Why you trading it in vouchers?

When my partner took me on our first date he took me to a Michelin star restaurant as a surprise. He paid the bill when i was in the toilet so i couldn't even offer to pay halfs. Some of my friends were horrified at that for a first date as they prefer a quick drink in the pub. But i was flattered with the time and effort it took him to get us a table and him picking me up and not knowing where we were going.

On my birthday he got me a massive personalised card full of pictures of us and helium balloons and took me away to the lake district.

Likewise for him I've gone all out on his birthday and at christmas and suprised him with a mini break abroad and a cooking course on a niche cuisine as he LOVES to cook.

We both earn well so its NOT about the money as we can both easily afford these things ourselves. Its the thought, planning and effort.

Next weekend we are going to Paris. It was my Valentine's day suprise. I didn't expect it at all but he loves planning and seeing the look of suprise on my face. Its actually very thoughtful as a gift too because I've been watching a french drama Im obsessed with set in Paris. So he booked it so i can see where it's filmed.

Before anyone flames me for being 'materialistic' its not about the money. Its the thought and effort and the fact hes listened and noted little things in daily conversations.

Neither of us have kids and can afford to splurge on eachother. I suspect if we progressed to children and marriage we wouldn't have the disposable income. So i wouldn't expect these type of gifts. But i would expect thought and effort, even if its just mentally noting an author i liked and getting the latest book for Christmas.

I'm treated so well because i wont accept anything less. I KNOW what I'm bringing to the table. I KNOW i will cherish my partner and give them 110%. So if they won't bring the same then id rather be single. If after a few dates i could see a guy didn't treat me the way i would treat them (asking questions about my life, taking on board little things i say) then id leave it and move onto the next.

Its not a popular mumsnet view at all. But when you know better you do better. When you know your worth no one can tell you nothing!!

I went on a 3 day life course many years ago now. It was about self belief, knowing your worth and how you can achieve anything. I walked out a different woman. I wish every woman/man could go it, game changer. I 100% back myself. Don't let people tell you that you have to accept a 5/10 life OP (jobs, relationships, friends etc) when your full potential is a 10. Just because everyone else is happy with a 5/10 doesn't mean you have to be.

I hope this helps.

Mean with money, mean with love.

Five months in, living in different countries? You talk like it has been 5 years and you are married.

You date to find out if you are compatible. You clearly have different "love languages". It isn't going to work. End it. Make space in your life for someone who is also into romantic gestures.

'He is pretty much the nicest person I have ever met and his parents did joke that he was purse tight'

This is all you need to know about this person. ALL. DUMP anyone who is tight, anyone! It is not a nice trait at all, it's miserable as sin and a PITA.

The threads on here from people whose lives have been turned to crap because they hung onto a tight person are legion.

It should be an instant dealbreaker.

Cancel the tasting menu. And just stop flogging this dead horse. End it and tell him that you don't want to be in a relationship with a tight person, that life is too short for that.

I totally agree with Thickums as well.

So you got no birthday present at all from this bloke, you paid for a hotel and he fucking split the cocktails with you, his parents said he's tight, you don't even live in the same country and you're still trying to force this relationship with squaring budgets and kitties? Utter NONSENSE!

Seriously, you are in a new place and instead of seeing it as a chance to find a new you're restricting yourself to this guy who, when you didn't get the plant, didn't even bother to make it up to you otherwise?

Just stop. Fuck travelling back and forth for a person who doesn't even get you a bar of chocolate for your birthday.

Easy peasy to dump because you don't even live in the same country. You simply tell him that due to his tightness and thoughtlessness you see no future for the relationship, so it is finished and you both need to move on and goodbye.

FFS, you are selling yourself short here. By Thickums analogy you're not even getting the £50 or Next vouchers but shit from the sale bins in Poundland.

Thickums thanks so much for your reply. That was really insightful, and I am similar in that after 10 years training I finally have a life where I want to live! And have 0 children. I would really be interested in the course that you mentioned it sounds like a really worthwhile personal investment.

datasgingercatspot Love language is a whole new concept to me but I think his actions have really disappointed me and I am genuinely a happy person without a boyfriend. So I think its good we are in this VERY early stage. Nobody wants to be poundland sale bin fodder. Speaking of: www.bbc.com/news/business-51473071

Captain, you are worth far more than a tight person, most people are. It's a miserable AF existence. And 'mean with money, mean with love' is spot on, it's a lack of thoughtfulness and concern. You don't need this in your life, the world is your oyster and it sounds like at the stage you're at, you have it at your feet, too. Good for you! Why sell yourself short? It sounds like you don't do that in other areas of your life, so why do it in one of the most important ones?

I went out with a few tight guys but thankfully cut it off early on because it doesn't work for me. I know now that such people don't usually fundamentally change because they are fundamentally selfish, so never fell for any claptrap they gave about changing when I split up with them saying we're emotionally and financially incompatible because it's gubbins.

You deserve more.

@ Captain, all the virtue signallers will be out scolding anyone who doesn't fall over themselves if presented with a Poundland ring.

When DH and I got engaged we didn't have much money, so our rings are 'vintage' but at least they aren't plastic. LOL.

datasgingercatspot Thanks for taking the time to reply and for your words. You have all been so generous with the comments, its really helped me to understand not what is just appropriate but what is possible.

I agree with @Thickums as well. My first birthday when I knew my DP (when we hadn't even kissed yet!) he sent me 2 presents by post which were to do with things I'd told him I was interested in. Many years on and he took me for a fabulous meal on Valentine's Day this year. All these things become the memories of your life. It can become pretty mundane if you're not careful. Personally, I'd rather have a bit more colour and caring.