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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am in mess of a marriage

38 replies

Cndyash86 · 20/02/2020 14:33

So me and my husband have been together for 6 years now and have been married for 3.. Pretty much the whole time we have been togeather he has allways shown controlling ways and has very bad paranoid phases.. I am self employed and work in my own shop and have done since before we even met... He works in an office and does the 9 - 5 routine.. I have a 8 year old from my previous relationship

So for the past year or so i have been having doubts about our relationship.. Im not happy.. I feel like every single day of my life he causes issues.. There is something new everyday or even drags old issues up...he likes me to stay in contact with him all day via fb messenger and this is where all our issues start.. I have started doing a hobby type of activity once a week now with my daughter also and are making new friends all the time..he has no friends... Non what so ever apart from a couple who we are mutual friends with... He says im his only friend... So cut a long story short

He is very controlling.. If im alone at home he asks who im talking to, who im messaging, if i fall asleep and dont tell him im about to fall asleeo he accuses me of being up to no good.. He like to remind me not to masterbate when im alone.. Doesnt allow me any male friends unless he is also friends with them...and if i do say hello or add say an old school friend i will get questioned and then he makes up stuff like saying "did you fancy them ever" " have you ever done anything with them" ect ect... He also has to see who has messaged me.. And if i dont he says im getting cocky or i have something to hide...he.doesnt like me having men in my shop..accuses me of sleeping with my customers and watches me on my camera at work... If i am Quiet he will message me asking wtf i am doing and why cant he hear me working... He has a tracking app on his phone and mine... If i ask to remove it he. Says i have something to hide... He blockes people on my social media without asking or Me even knowing...i have a big group of friends and i hardly ever get to see them as i cant just spontaneously go out... He woukd kick off call me nasty or tell me he allready had plans for us... So i have to book weeks in advance to go for. A. Drink with my friends... And i will let told most days before i go out to not speakk to any men and "be good" as he says...

Im stuck in a rut as i have tried to. Leave before and he gets up set, promises me it will all stop and he will get help and stuff... But he never does and it allways goes back to the same ways... I have become very angry and quick to loose my temper as i have put up with this for 6 years and now i know his next move like im Reading a book....

He does have good days when we are good and stuff but im feeling so shit and low atm... Im scared if he will hurt himself if i leave and he will make things really hard

X

OP posts:
leckford · 20/02/2020 14:38

Get out asap

MrsAgassi · 20/02/2020 14:39

He’s shown you he has no intention of changing. Leave.

This is no way to live, get out and enjoy your life.

Bearski77 · 20/02/2020 14:39

Oh mate, everything you describe here is awful and I'm sure you know it. You really need to find a way to get away from him, you deserve so much better. Maybe this sounds harsh but if he threatens to harm himself then so be it - it will not be your fault. Please find a way to get help. Hopefully someone will be along soon with some practical advice for you x

MrsAgassi · 20/02/2020 14:41

Delete the app as well.

BallacheForLife · 20/02/2020 14:46

This is so awful to read. You know that this is wrong and not how a relationship should be, ever.
Please get out and get out soon!
It's quite common for men to say they will hurt themselves if you leave, it's just another form of control to keep you in your place. My ex did this too but he's still alive and well.
You don't have to live this way.

StrawberryJam200 · 20/02/2020 14:49

Women’s Aid, 24/7 Helpline:
tel: 0808 2000 247
Or www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

You need to keep you and your dd safe. He is a classic abuser. Please get help.

opticaldelusion · 20/02/2020 14:51

Coercive control. He's behaving illegally. Get support from women's aid

potter5 · 20/02/2020 15:00

Why haven't you left already?

You are being isolated, spied on, accused of things you haven't done, etc. etc.

Can't believe you have put up with this disgusting controlling man for 6 years! You really need to get rid of him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/02/2020 15:05

Read back what you have written. Get the fuck out of this relationship you deserve so much more

Original poster
Cndyash86 · 20/02/2020 15:13

Nobody sees how bad he is apart from me.. He is nice as pie and the "best" son and brother and all that crap.. What do i do about leaving.. He will hound me, message me, ring me, not leave the house...

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 20/02/2020 15:14

Just to reiterate - controlling men often use the threat of self harm to keep you in their prison. Don't let this sway you. You need out of this awful prison he put you in.

FlowerArranger · 20/02/2020 15:16

What is actually stopping you from leaving?

MzHz · 20/02/2020 15:16

oh they ALLL are 'nice as pie'

you will have to go somewhere else, you will have to tell him not to contact you, contact the police for support in this if he doesn't stop, change your tel no and block him

Is the house yours? you will need legal and financial advice.

Ferretyone · 20/02/2020 15:18

@Cndyash86
I am so sad to see your last post - though not surprised.

Please start documenting all these episodes and if anyone does see something then note their name. The documentation needs - obviously perhaps - should be secret and should be duplicated so that there is a reserve copy elsewhere

BaolFan · 20/02/2020 15:19

You leave the house - go to friends or family.

You block him on phone, email and social media.

You go to the police and tell them what he's done and you get the evidence together for a restraining order.

Nearlyalmost50 · 20/02/2020 15:19

I think given you have a child and can't just up and go without him tracking you, can you contact Women's Aid (perhaps not from your own phone?) and get some advice. You may need help including the police if he turns nasty or just harasses you non-stop which is quite likely.

Do you have anywhere to go? Do you have friends/family that can help you? You can change phones/phone numbers if you need to so that he can't track you anymore, write or save all the contacts somewhere so you have a list of your family and friend numbers.

Poor you, this is an awful situation in which you are being coerced which is a crime. Going to Woman's Aid or the police is probably the best bet as his behaviour is very abnormal and quite worrying. Sorry I can't help more.

FlowerArranger · 20/02/2020 15:21

He will hound me, message me, ring me, not leave the house

Our posts crossed...

How will he hound you?
You can ignore his messages.
You can refuse to take his calls.
You can get an Occupation Order for the house.
Or find somewhere else for you and your daughter to live.

Can you get your ducks in a row? Finances, lawyer, mediation, child maintenance, etc. One step at a time. Start by reading Wikivorce.

DivaRainbow · 20/02/2020 15:30

💐 Op you need to get out ASAP.

Idonttrackpeas · 20/02/2020 15:36

Agreeing with PPs. This is wrong, as you know. Time to leave.

floatygoat · 20/02/2020 15:36

You are being abused. You must leave.

Contact Women's Aid for advice on who to contact for help - men like this can be deadly when a woman tries to leave them. It is no joke.

floatygoat · 20/02/2020 15:37

And forget about him hurting himself, that's a classic threat to make you stay. It will more likely be you he ends up trying to hurt, not himself. Call women's aid.

partofthepeanutgallery · 20/02/2020 15:38

You need to get out.

Don't stay their with your DC. They will grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat women/be treated as a woman.

lazylinguist · 20/02/2020 15:42

Leave him, cut contact, block him on everything. It doesn't matter if he is upset about you leaving. Why be bothered about upsetting a vile abuser? If he attempts to track you or follow you, call the police. You do not have to put up with this. The man is clearly deranged.

nowayhose · 20/02/2020 15:44

How many more years are you going to allow this man to rule your life, make you miserable every damn day, and train your DD how to be a subservient weakling with her future partners ??

You MUST develop a backbone for your daughters sake !

Get your ducks in a row and either change your locks when he's at work if it's your house, or pack your bags when he's at work and LEAVE.

Other posters will give you lots of great advice about the help you can access, so USE the help available and above all, keep yourself and your DD safe ! xx

Bringringbring · 20/02/2020 15:45

* Nobody sees how bad he is apart from me*

The most important person, your son, will see