I am in mess of a marriage

[Cndyash86]

So me and my husband have been together for 6 years now and have been married for 3.. Pretty much the whole time we have been togeather he has allways shown controlling ways and has very bad paranoid phases.. I am self employed and work in my own shop and have done since before we even met... He works in an office and does the 9 - 5 routine.. I have a 8 year old from my previous relationship

So for the past year or so i have been having doubts about our relationship.. Im not happy.. I feel like every single day of my life he causes issues.. There is something new everyday or even drags old issues up...he likes me to stay in contact with him all day via fb messenger and this is where all our issues start.. I have started doing a hobby type of activity once a week now with my daughter also and are making new friends all the time..he has no friends... Non what so ever apart from a couple who we are mutual friends with... He says im his only friend... So cut a long story short

He is very controlling.. If im alone at home he asks who im talking to, who im messaging, if i fall asleep and dont tell him im about to fall asleeo he accuses me of being up to no good.. He like to remind me not to masterbate when im alone.. Doesnt allow me any male friends unless he is also friends with them...and if i do say hello or add say an old school friend i will get questioned and then he makes up stuff like saying "did you fancy them ever" " have you ever done anything with them" ect ect... He also has to see who has messaged me.. And if i dont he says im getting cocky or i have something to hide...he.doesnt like me having men in my shop..accuses me of sleeping with my customers and watches me on my camera at work... If i am Quiet he will message me asking wtf i am doing and why cant he hear me working... He has a tracking app on his phone and mine... If i ask to remove it he. Says i have something to hide... He blockes people on my social media without asking or Me even knowing...i have a big group of friends and i hardly ever get to see them as i cant just spontaneously go out... He woukd kick off call me nasty or tell me he allready had plans for us... So i have to book weeks in advance to go for. A. Drink with my friends... And i will let told most days before i go out to not speakk to any men and "be good" as he says...

Im stuck in a rut as i have tried to. Leave before and he gets up set, promises me it will all stop and he will get help and stuff... But he never does and it allways goes back to the same ways... I have become very angry and quick to loose my temper as i have put up with this for 6 years and now i know his next move like im Reading a book....

He does have good days when we are good and stuff but im feeling so shit and low atm... Im scared if he will hurt himself if i leave and he will make things really hard

X

I dont know about the house situation but you can get anon molestaion order you have to report him to the police first and then hes not allowed to come near you

if hes not your dds dad theres nothing he can do there he has no rights

You need to leave him because this will not improve. He sounds like a bully and this could escalate to violence. Trust me I’ve been there. You seem to have lots of friends who can support you. Keep records of his messages and any harassing behaviour so u can use them if necessary but please leave him

This sounds a terrible way to live
Have you confided in family and friends about his behaviour? The more support the better, I’d ditch the phone and speak to woman’s aid . He shouldn’t be allowed to track you So many alarms are going off about your personal safety
A normal relationship is built on trust, there’s not the need to micromanage where you are etc. I don’t think you realise whilst on the inside just how bad this relationship is
It’s very fortunate you don’t have a child together and therefore not the excuse for continued contact

Please talk to someone about your options and how to leave safely

Speak to women's aid
Get yourself free as soon as you can

You're in a domestic violence relationship and you need to get out. He is breaking the law with this behaviour.

Write everything down somewhere he can't find it so you don't forget.

Then go and meet with your GP or health visitor. Even the safeguarding lead at the school if your dc is of school age. They will help you involve the police. You need police involvement and to have an official paper trail.

He will continue to make your life difficult however he can so be ready for that.

you need to plan for leaving, ask womens aid for help. Often the abuse worsens when you leave so it's good to get your ducks in a row if you possibly can, get passports and important documents and anything you'd be devastated to lose, photos, heirlooms etc to a friend, get all the bank details so he can't hide accounts.

The suddenly being nice is just the quiet before another storm, honestly, he ticks most of the boxes for being an abuser. Keep a record of all that he does and did, make sure he cannot log into your social media or anything, you may need to make another account
They are very good at putting on a kind face in public. He can control himself, he manages to only abuse you
If you possibly can it would be good to do the freedom programme, ideally locally but you can do it online

All good advice here OP. You are in an abusive relationship, and you need to try and make a move to get out as soon as possible. There is a lot of support out there, make use of it. Involve the police if you have to. Get him out, now. If not for you, then for your daughter.

Women’s Aid, even the police as this is illegal coercive control.
Cut all his access to your phone, cameras, apps etc, he’s a pathetic bully.

Good god!! This is horrific. It sounds like you don’t have DC together so although getting out won’t be easy you’ll be able to have a good clean beak without continued contact.

Please stay on here for support and start making your plans.

Oh my god OP you deserve a better life than this!! This is the only one you get.

Would you want this for your DD? Do what you'd want HER to do and get out and start living happily and freely. I know these words are so simple to write down but I mean them SO much!

I did it and to say "it was hard" is laughable. It was beyond crippling. But you come out of it with a new life and new opportunities and you CURSE yourself for not leaving earlier.

Good luck x

As others have said this is no way to live and awful for your DD. Can family help you?

Previous posters who say “Why haven’t you left already?”, “You need to develop a backbone!” etc, obviously have the good fortune to have never been in that position. Unless you have, it’s very difficult to understand what it feels like for the OP.

Reading this might help people with some answers to ‘Why doesn’t she just leave?’:
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

Bumping for you OP, as your situation is serious.

Also you’d probably find it helpful to read Living with the Dominator, by Pat Craven, the book of the Freedom Programme.