Sexual urges lacking please help me ?

[Paulm83]

Ok here goes ! My wife and I have been together for ten years and married for 5. Our sex life has been up and down for a while, my libido generally being higher than hers. Over the years I’ve learned to compromise. I’ve accepted no after no with grace, I’ve accepted excuse after excuse! It basically got to a point where it can go months without anything happening sexually.
We have had countless difficult and heart wrenching conversations about the issue. I’ve put myself through hell and probably her also (not intended) we’ve cried! I have booked babysitters, weekends away etc and non of it had worked.

More recently it’s seemed like it’s even more apparent she has no interest in me even on special occasions ( anniversaries/romantic stays away) although she does frequently apologise for not having sex with me. A week ago we were passionately kissing in bed and she asked what I was thinking to which my reply was “making love with you “ she did not acknowledge this and went to sleep.

This culminated on valentines weekend just gone. I’d booked a hot tub to come to our house as we couldn’t get sitters. The hot tub was great but once again the spark wasn’t there! I didn’t want to ruin the evening so remained patient, we came inside still nothing. I was happy to kiss and cuddle in the hole that maybe later... anyways we went to bed and still it didn’t happen. I said good night and turned away. She asked was I disappointed ? I replied with yes and went through my reasons why! The effort I’d gone to, the effort I have been going to for a while now. The fact it was valentines. The fact I have been incredibly understanding for years.

She broke and told me she didn’t have sexual urges anymore( for anyone) and hadn’t for a long time. Around 7 years. I was angry shocked and aghast. I wasn’t unkind but I was quite stern. I took the following day to try and make sense of it but I can’t ! We are a good couple, great parents and generally a good team but what does this mean for the future? She has said that when we have sex it’s great. She orgasms and enjoys it but just never has the urge for it.

I’m a very tactile person, sexual even! I feel as though it bonds us in different way emotionally and physically. Now im
Left wondering about all the times in 7 years it’s been like a total chore for her. Also angry that she’s omitted to tell me this sooner, before we were married, before our second child ! I just have no clue what happens next! I love her and want her. But is sex always now going to be another tick list item for her ! I don’t want that for her, also I don’t want to feel like I’m doing something wrong when it does happen ? Now I know the way she feels it doesn’t feel right?

Am I over analysing this? All advice welcome

Separate, and become the best co-parents out there!

I get what you’re saying but I’m not sure I can think about it at this point. It literally brings me to tears the think I’d not be sleeping or waking in the same house as my children. But similarly know that I can’t go on like this! So confused ! Hoping (praying actually) that someone here will have a story that turns around and improves !

There is no practical way forward except perhaps an open marriage - but then chances are you'll leave anyway.

So only advise is divorce. You dont have to do it now but it will come to it.

Will she consider any form of counselling before the marriage dies on its feet?

I don’t think she could really complain if you left her after this long without a sexual element to your relationship. Or would you (and she) be prepared to consider a discreetly open marriage?

I can understand your shock on her seven year revelation and I also completely understand your hesitation on not seeing your DC every day. Words can’t describe how utterly shit it is to go from that to the miserable EOW and one night a week that too many Family Court officials think is an appropriate contact level for Dads.

How old is she and what contraception is she on? Both of these things can affect libido.

She’s 39 and currently on no contraception we use condoms. Although I’m soon looking to have the snip! I don’t want anymore children she totally aware. She has BP issues and is on the medication for that! I don’t doubt that her weight plays a part in all this in fact she has said as much in previous conversations.

An open marriage would serve one purpose I suppose with more regular affection and sex provided someone would take me in that capacity but it would still mean a huge part of our marriage is missing so unsure about that avenue. Also she has a jealous steak and has already previously made many a reference to the fact I have been playing away with people at work, people at the gym. I realise now All born from her knowing what she’s not been giving me. A bit like she’s not interested but also doesn’t want anyone else to be.

I don’t think she’d be awful about the children or anything like that but logistically until I got a place etc I’m not sure what I could do. I’d want to bath them and get them in bed and read stories like I always have for the last 7 years, and go out with them whenever ( which I know is impossible! And scary.
Counselling was mentioned the other night but was quickly followed up by how expensive it is.
She’s clearly worried about our future but I don’t think she’s thought of the impact this has had on me mentally. Almost like knowing that regardless of what I do or have done it’s never been enough! And I don’t know that it will be enough in the future!

You've admitted you're really staying for the children. It's better for them if their parents are honest with each other about a relationship being over. There are lots of single women out there who would probably be very glad of the sex if you were also single!

The children are a major part of our relationship obviously. And it does make a leave decision hard to arrive at. I guess I want to be sure I’ve tried or we’ve tried everything. The relationship isn’t toxic or hurtful and the children need both parents equally.

Is BP bipolar? The meds for that can dramatically affect libido. Are her meds working well for her otherwise, or would it be worth going back to the GP and trying something else? They prescribe the cheapest options first, but there will be lots of other (often better) meds for her to try if she keeps at it.

Blood pressure sorry !

I think your wife needs to buck her ideas up. This is why women wonder why their man has had an affair. Men need sex there’s no getting away from it it’s not fair what she’s doing Sit her down and tell her you can’t go on like it she’s said she enjoys it once she gets into it so she should make more effort to instigate and make it nice She’s being really selfish

How old are your children?

I’m in a similar position with my dh. In our case we have youngish kids (11,9 and 6) but the youngest two have disabilities. He works ft and I work pt and I’m resentful about his lack of input and division of emotional and physical labour. Many conversations haven’t helped.

It might be for a while working on just being intimate. If I kiss my dh and he pushes it it’s a turnoff. I’m aware of the pressure of just a kiss.

Good luck.

I’m not taking it as a personal failing on her part at all I really didn’t mean it to come across that way! I just feel unwanted, undesired and at times a failure I am a very involved dad ( as it should be in my opinion) cooks, cleans, does stuff with kids etc.
Maybe it isn’t unusual I’m no expert! And it’s not just sex it’s the whole feeling connected side of things or else we could just be two great housemates ? Our children are 7 and 3 I know this is demanding on both of us. Hence the trips away etc. Is it really unreasonable to expect a sex life in marriage at 36 years old ? I work ft and her pt but they are both demanding jobs! I know this plays it’s part but is it really ok in the grand scheme of things! Would it be okay if there was something missing on the other side so to speak! I dunno such as care or lack of affection, flowers or whatever.

We have had many chats Georgia and I’m hoping the latest one means we can both be happy. Although history tells me differently. Plus I still think I feel odd about her saying this has gone on for so long and that in turn makes me question am I really what she wants. There is no evidence for another Person being involved or anything like that!

I felt like your wife in my marriage. We had sex but he always initiated it.
I honestly felt like I just didn't want it anymore.

We had a serious talk about it where he explained how he felt. I read Esther Perel's book about sex in marriage and it really helped me connect with my sex drive again.
Now it's like I've had a sexual reawakening and I can't believe I was going to give up in sex.

I think a lot of women start to feel like sex is an obligation in marriage and that's incredibly unsexy.

You need to talk to her and probably go to counselling together.

That’s an absolutely horrible post @Georgia2001. If she doesn’t feel like sex, she doesn’t bloody feel like it. A shame for OP but I doubt he would feel better if she “bucked her ideas up” and consented to sex when she would rather not do so. There are young children at home, I rather expect she is tired and overloaded.

Could your wife be asexual?

I've a friend who doesn't like sex, never masturbates or initiates sex. Exploring this with her analyst (because she too thought 'well I used to enjoy it') the analyst suggested the rewards for sex, for her, aren't in the orgasm, but in the enjoyment of satisfying her partner.

So she concluded that she is asexual, always has been; I'm not so close to her now but as far as I know she's still with her partner.

I thought about this myself and have briefly looked into it! I guess it’s a possibility. Unsure as to where that would leave us really. I suppose almost as we are now. Just with a label! Worth a look though thanks @kalinkafoxtrot45 I wouldn’t say she is overloaded as mentioned earlier I ensure I do plenty to help and support. But tired aren’t we all! The issue isn’t that she doesn’t want sex rather that she has no sexual urges at all and hasn’t for 7 years which pre date our marriage and the conception of our second child. A good part of me has been left wondering why nothing had been said earlier alongside feeling like rubbish. @Spritesobright I will have a look for that book. Thank you

Sex is the glue in a relationship - it keeps you together when other factors are driving you apart. It's hard to be angry or determined to leave someone when you àre cuddling up in the afterglow. I am not sure that my DW and I would have survived the bad times had it not been for a strong sexual attraction, regularly indulged.

There are two grounds for hope in your situation. One is that your DW realises that there is something missing in you relationship and she feels constrained to apologise to you for it and the other is that when you do manage to have sex she has an orgasm and says she enjoys it. This is quite hard to reconcile with her claim that she has no sexual urges, if she finds it enjoyable why on earth does she have no desire to repeat the experience?

I think there may be underlying issues on her part. Does she come from a socially conservative background where discussion of sexual feelings might have been taboo? Do you know anything about her previous relationships and is there any reason to suppose this issue has come up before? Is she depressed by her weight and health issues, does she believe herself to be unattractive?

The Valentine's Day episode sounds excruciating, it is really hard to see why she did not respond to that but at the same time couples In a LTR should not need to go to such lengths, sex should be part of the furniture as you might say.

You are not being unreasonable in seeking sexual satisfaction, that is fundamental in any relationship, and from what you say I think she understands that but is unwilling or unable to do anything about it. I suggest you try counselling and couple therapy, but if that does not work you have a difficult decision to make.

I’ll let you into a secret OP - (that some are avoiding in advice to you)

Most people, most of the time, want and seek an intimidate and sexual loving relationship. Libido can of course ebb and flow, and young children, stress, depression etc can affect things. But what you’ve described is NOT just ‘touched out busy mum’ ....

“She broke and told me she didn’t have sexual urges anymore( for anyone) and hadn’t for a long time. Around 7 years.”

So she isn’t just ‘tired and overloaded’.

Many people in your position find out their partner is gay, in an affair or at the very least harbouring very deep resentments toward them. But it really isn’t just ‘normal.’

She has said she has no feelings for anyone. I’m sorry OP, but we have no way of knowing if that is actually true - or whether it’s just her attraction to you that isn’t there.

Your wife doesn’t owe you sex, and you’ve said yourself it’s hideous to think she has been feigning enjoyment to prevent an open rift in the marriage. But it is significant that in all the years and all the attempts you’ve made to rekindle intimacy, your DW has not tried to address her low libido, speak to her GP, get counselling, or even talk openly.

And you just want to be wanted, desired, and be with someone who is drawn to you. And that is a perfectly reasonable need in a relationship. So if it’s not being met - you have a perfect right to end the relationship. Also - As you say - you don’t just want meaningless sex - and an open marriage would bring so many other complications.

So you only have two options -
You either find a way to rekindle her desire for you, or you agree that you aren’t meeting each other’s needs because I’d guess she pretty sure as hell isn't happy either.

My guess is that there is more to it than she is telling you. Either she is asexual (rare but a possibility) or there is more to it. But you can’t change that - all you can do is work on yourself- rebuild your confidence and self esteem and self improvement. If it doesn’t attract her to you - it will at least put you in a better place to find something more fulfilling in time with someone else.

To be blunt. From reading around, women sometimes can't say that they are put off by all sorts of things eg the man is overweight, has smelly socks, leaves clothes on the floor, etc, and she just doesn't fancy him any more and has given up on him and his habits.

Wauden, there’s a lot of truth in that in some cases. I actually heard two blokes in a pub going on about this and why their partners weren’t bothered. Both had biggish beer guts, puffy faces, bad dress sense and to be honest no matter how nice or how much I loved them, I would have struggled to be remotely interested sexually if married to them. I’m sorry if that seems shallow and I myself am a hypocrite as def not a size 12 these days but it is what it is. Not saying this is the case OP but unfortunately could it be she simply doesn’t really fancy you enough anymore and although she can function well day to day and likes /loves you and the family set up , sex is one thing too far. I have felt like that before I have to be honest and I bet there are many people of both sexes who have felt the same. Good sex is hard to fake

Yes, and the trouble is also that men don't take an honest look in the mirror and see the beer guts, puffy faces, lack of care and stubble. Women take better care of themselves generally.

@Wauden

You make a very good point and I agree with you and it also goes both ways.

I've spoken to a few men who do not fancy their wives anymore - gone frumpy, piled on the weight, sit around in joggers and baggy T-shirts, constantly nag, never show any interest in their DHs, spend more time on their phones than engaging with the family, glued to soap operas....

It takes two to make a relationship work and not take each other for granted.

I’m not perfect but I’m in better shape now physically than we were when we got together. I’m not one for phones etc I hate the anti social aspect of them where she on the other hand can spend hours scrolling. The final point you made @Wauden is my point exactly