Sexual urges lacking please help me ?

[Paulm83]

Ok here goes ! My wife and I have been together for ten years and married for 5. Our sex life has been up and down for a while, my libido generally being higher than hers. Over the years I’ve learned to compromise. I’ve accepted no after no with grace, I’ve accepted excuse after excuse! It basically got to a point where it can go months without anything happening sexually.
We have had countless difficult and heart wrenching conversations about the issue. I’ve put myself through hell and probably her also (not intended) we’ve cried! I have booked babysitters, weekends away etc and non of it had worked.

More recently it’s seemed like it’s even more apparent she has no interest in me even on special occasions ( anniversaries/romantic stays away) although she does frequently apologise for not having sex with me. A week ago we were passionately kissing in bed and she asked what I was thinking to which my reply was “making love with you “ she did not acknowledge this and went to sleep.

This culminated on valentines weekend just gone. I’d booked a hot tub to come to our house as we couldn’t get sitters. The hot tub was great but once again the spark wasn’t there! I didn’t want to ruin the evening so remained patient, we came inside still nothing. I was happy to kiss and cuddle in the hole that maybe later... anyways we went to bed and still it didn’t happen. I said good night and turned away. She asked was I disappointed ? I replied with yes and went through my reasons why! The effort I’d gone to, the effort I have been going to for a while now. The fact it was valentines. The fact I have been incredibly understanding for years.

She broke and told me she didn’t have sexual urges anymore( for anyone) and hadn’t for a long time. Around 7 years. I was angry shocked and aghast. I wasn’t unkind but I was quite stern. I took the following day to try and make sense of it but I can’t ! We are a good couple, great parents and generally a good team but what does this mean for the future? She has said that when we have sex it’s great. She orgasms and enjoys it but just never has the urge for it.

I’m a very tactile person, sexual even! I feel as though it bonds us in different way emotionally and physically. Now im
Left wondering about all the times in 7 years it’s been like a total chore for her. Also angry that she’s omitted to tell me this sooner, before we were married, before our second child ! I just have no clue what happens next! I love her and want her. But is sex always now going to be another tick list item for her ! I don’t want that for her, also I don’t want to feel like I’m doing something wrong when it does happen ? Now I know the way she feels it doesn’t feel right?

Am I over analysing this? All advice welcome

I have been with my husband for 15 years and I am similar, admittedly, I don’t like having sex anymore but I will still have sex with him, my main reason is I have become resentful towards him as a person and this in turn has not given me the intimate connection that I should have. He is not a supportive, sensitive husband and that is something I’ve struggled with for many years, he also drinks a lot which for me is a huge turn off and those are my main reasons for lacking any sort of sexual drive that I have. Could there be any resentment there?

Surprised people are saying divorce so quickly

Firstly does she need to go to the drs - is there a medical reason. Is she on contraception? Could this be effecting her hormones?
How old are dc - is she ok after this

Can you take the pressure of sex off the table and try to connect intimately. No sex but going to kiss
No sex but going to massage each other
Etc.
Reminiscing about romantic trips and dates good sex etc remind her what it used to be like, but make it clear there’s no expectations

When you do have sex does she enjoy it? If not can you fix this

Is she just exhausted? are you doing at least 50% of the childcare and household management? Can you do more there and maybe if she’s well rested and less stressed it may give her libido a chance

Sorry just saw she’s not on contraception
The rest of what I said still stands though.

I think if women are stressed, tired, cba, feeling resentful, feeling disconnected, feeling uncomfortable with themselves
Or a million other things, that decreases sex drive
And I honestly think sex drive is a use it or lose it thing. Once you keep ignoring it, it goes away for longer and longer
And also it becomes a big deal then to actually have sex. And it doesn’t feel natural
And then that’s not nice
And it makes you not want to do that again

I think more talking and just figuring out why she thinks it’s gone and why she thinks she doesn’t want to have sex anymore would help

There’s nothing less sexy than being pestered for sex too. Not saying you’re doing that, but if she feels that pressure..

I was exactly like this in my first marriage, the first two years were explosively intense, then for 10 years we kind of did this weird dance where I made excuses not to, he felt more and more rejected. Don't underestimate what weird random thing could've started this off.

Now in hindsight I know exactly what the issue was... I was carrying the entire emotional load, all the life admin, while he did fuck all. Football and the pub came first. I was permanently bottom of the pile. It was just a massive turn off. He was just another job I had to do.

I can happily report that as soon as I met my now-dh, and turned 35, i became insatiable. Dh can't keep up with me. 🤣

Might be time to go your separate ways unfortunately.maybe keep talks open and see if she knows what steps she wants to take next.

I disagree. I think having a hot tub delivered to the house is a lovely idea. My husband expected valentine’s day sex even though he’d made zero effort on anything, No card no flowers no babysitter booked. But still expected the “special day” bonus. At least you’re trying. I’d love a hot tub! How romantic.

If someone has a no/low drive, or you know they are (for whatever reason!) not into it at that moment, then piling the pressure on and on, in spite of knowing what the other person is feeling, over many months/years comes across entitled and insensitive.

I’m not surprised it’s become a ‘thing’ - and the expectations that she would feel while being unable to reciprocate make the issue worse.

You need to take the pressure off and talk with her more about why she has no interest in sex. Maybe you’re not fulfilling her emotionally? You may think you are doing x, y and z but what does she say? She might not even know/realise it herself, if it’s a medical reason.

If you love your wife, you need to work together on figuring it out through counselling or seeking medical help, rather than focusing on thinking she has let you down etc because sometimes we don’t know ourselves 100%, or think things will be different or realise our true selves through being in relationships.

That’s the problem isn’t it though @Sabee? It depends what internal explanation is being relied on. As some have said - hiring a hot-tub or a night away etc - these things are really nice if the cause of low libido is stress and familiarity and drudgery, because it changes the environment and makes things different and special. Where as if it’s cause is not being attracted to your partner anymore-but hiding it from them - then of course it’s a bit cringe worthy !!
But if OPs DW has spent years claiming to be ‘tired’ or ‘not in the mood’ then he’s going to believe her! He’s going to use his imagination to lift her mood, allow her to feel relaxed and special. Sometimes that’s what is needed to rekindle intimacy.
Unfortunately OPs wife has just been gaslighting - and you can’t help but wonder from what’s been said that she just isn’t attracted to OP - and he’ll be wondering what else he’s got wrong for so long.

So yes - an honest conversation is needed! But I suspect that with someone new she’d be thrilled with all the effort and attention.
OP deserves to be with a partner who is drawn to him - not someone he is scared to seduce. It’s just miserable for both of them.
Maybe it’s low libido - but maybe it’s low attraction to OP and not what she now says?

You should get out. You’re existing at the moment and not living

I completely agree with Sabee. I'm sure you are not doing this intentionally op but you are piling the pressure on. She couldn't just enjoy relaxing in the hot tub, she knew you were going to demand your 'reward' afterwards.

I feel for you, but I'm sure she feels more and more like you are just another thing on her list of chores. To be honest, I don't think this is unusual for women and I know I've felt like this in the past.

@Paulm83 i was in a similar position but the role were reversed. My ex simply had no desires whatsoever. I think asexual. Simply not bothered about sex in any way shape or form. No kidding, hugging, hand holding . Nothing turned him on. Initially it was there in small quantities but it died away to housemates. When I had two DDs and started to struggle with MN and parenthood in general, he just wasn’t interested. I put this down to lack of glue - as a previous poster mentioned. Nothing holding us together. We split. He married within a year (we weren’t married). I remember him Announcing they wanted their ‘own family’ but it hasn’t transpired. He’s now 53 and his wife is 43. I can only guess they aren’t haven’t sex.And now he has a funny off putting smell about him too. Weird.

I’ve discovered that I really like sex. Just need to find the right man. At least your wife is willing to discuss and be totally honest with you - though you’re no nearer to resolving the situation. I feel for you and really hope you can solve this in a way that keeps your family unit together

I find it interesting that you said you were kissing passionately...if she was really engaged with the kissing that suggests she finds you attractive (hard to kiss someone if you don’t)
If your wife wants to discuss it maybe private blood tests hormone profile, check testosterone levels...yes women make it too...it may be needs a boost...it can be affected by various things, privately you can get help. Also read up on pregnanolone

Seadad - who knows why she didn’t say earlier? Perhaps not to hurt him or offend him? It doesn’t sound from his posts that she is hateful in anyway to purposely mislead him!

Men are often deluded when it comes to these things, there may be issues in the relationship which have left her unsatisfied and unhappy so she doesn’t feel attracted to him...when has sex only been about the deed? She is his wife not a prostitite!

Its more meaningful than that in a marriage, and if it’s not there then there is usually a reason!

If a person was unhappy they wouldn’t feel anything that way, and if you have someone who is mostly about the sex, I can imagine she feels like a piece of meat - so would feel resentful or unable to view his initiating intimacy as something positive.

These things won’t solve themselves on a forum - OP can’t take her behaviour personally, and if it transpires that their drives are mismatched, can’t put her down on this basis, because that’s not something a person can change, although it will take a different more sensitive approach- if you want to stay in the marriage.

I agree with wonderrotunda - impossible time kiss someone passionately if you don’t find the other person attractive!

Impossible “to”

I'm sure she feels more and more like you are just another thing on her list of chores
This is totally how I feel. I’m constantly tired, I have no time to myself, I don’t even get to read a book - I really cant be bothered meeting someone else’s needs when I don’t even have time to meet my own needs. My DH thinks he helps out, but taking DC for an hour or two in no way relieves the bone crushing tiredness I feel from doing all the night wake ups, doing all of the laundry, cooking nearly all of the meals, etc. I’m sick of being the default parent. Also I still hold a lot of resentment from DH’s past insensitive behaviour when I was pregnant and a new mum.

I too would be annoyed about the hot tub. That’s not a gift for her. That’s you trying to manipulate her to get what you want.

My sex drive is fine but I felt this way towards my ex partner for years. There was not one reason for not wanting sex, but a combination. In my case:

• Annoying habits. He was always sniffing. It was repellent. He was also noisy, untidy and left a mess wherever he went
• His job and football always came first, which I resented
• Sex was never great but became uncomfortable after I had a child. He had an, erm, slightly unusual shape
• more resentment over household chores, money, small lies

I'm trying to say that, possibly, the problem could be you. Sorry. And there's no bigger turn off than being pressured, directly or indirectly, for sex.

I actually agree with you @Sabee - and when you say ‘ Its more meaningful than that in a marriage, and if it’s not there then there is usually a reason!’ - I think that’s what I’m saying too.

And I’m absolutely not saying OP’s wife is hateful - only that she hasn’t really been honest and it’s not clear she is now! Because if she’s harbouring resentment, or he’s not been a good DH, or he’s got bad personal hygiene, or a million and one reasons why she’s not drawn to him - that would be a reason. BUT that’s very different from ‘low libido’ ‘don’t have a need for intimacy’- ‘happy to just plod along as we are.’

Like you, I’m saying I doubt she is happy and yes - there is likely to be an underlying reason. It’s understandable she may not have wanted to hurt OPs feelings but it is a shame it’s been allowed to fester so long.

She hasn’t been very fair watching him endlessly trying to seduce her while silently cringing inside as he makes things worse by seductions that only work if someone is actually attracted to you in the first place! It happens all the time but it’s a shame.