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Original poster

Would you refuse to send her?

42 replies

Pancake20 · 20/02/2020 11:25

I've namechanged as this could be outing.

My DD is 9. Her dad has a 12yearold son. Yesterday she went to her dads and when I picked her up she was quiet. This morning she told me that her dad had to go out quickly but his son said he'd look after her but when their dad left he was saying how she needed to be punished (she wrote something in his diary last week but I told her off and she apologised). So he grabbed her wrist and when she started crying he said their dad doesn't like crybabies. And he threatened her if she told anyone.

Can I have advice?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 20/02/2020 11:28

Tell her dad and ask him to deal with it. She might not want to go back if it's not dealt with properly, so you'll need feedback. The boy seems to be a bit of a bully.

Whynosnowyet · 20/02/2020 11:29

Omg do not send her...
My precious dc was punished by a pre teen out of sight and told not to tell.
It was more than a grab of a wrist...
Sad
Eventually she told...
I hope you praised her for telling.

See a solicitor as I doubt your ex will admit either of them were in the wrong..

Hont1986 · 20/02/2020 11:31

Tell her dad about it so he can punish his son.
I don't think it's enough of a reason to stop sending her to her father though.

Original poster
Pancake20 · 20/02/2020 11:35

Just before Christmas his son was telling dd that their dad hates her and he hit dd but when dd told their dad his son lied and said that DD hit him and her dad believed his son.

OP posts:
5zeds · 20/02/2020 11:37

Tell the Dad and see what he plans to do about it. If it doesn’t keep her safe she can’t go.

slipperywhensparticus · 20/02/2020 11:39

Give dad another chance but tell him it's his house and he sorts it or she wont want to come and see him

FizzyGreenWater · 20/02/2020 11:41

her dad believed his son

Then she doesn't go - end of.

You need to have an absolute red line here.

Your role is to protect your DD. If you consider that she is at risk of physical or emotional harm when in his care, and you also believe that for whatever reason he will not step up and provide similar protection, then you'll stop contact and it will be up to him to take it to court... where the concerns of both parents can be discussed with the help of experts.

It would be worth while pointing out to him - what does he want, long term? A daughter who hates her half-brother, doesn't trust her dad, and will vote with her feet the second she's able to and he won't see her? A son who gets free rein to be a bully and ends up growing up to be hateful? Siblings who hate one another because their relationships weren't managed properly during their contact? His son harming his daughter when a 'punishment' goes further than the son intended?

Make him think. And in the meantime, stop contact.

Itwasntme1 · 20/02/2020 11:56

In these circumstances he 12 year old is not mature enough to babysit. He is a bully.

Heir dad needs to step up, and he needs to believe his daughter.

Does the son live there full time, could their visits be staggered for a while?

MzHz · 20/02/2020 11:59

I would never leave her there again! Tell him what happened and explain that you are not going to put her in that position again. He can see her 1-2-1 but that's it.

Isadora2007 · 20/02/2020 12:00

you need to speak to your ex and tell him what happened. Until then and depending on his reaction- don’t send her.

Original poster
Pancake20 · 20/02/2020 12:01

Yes his son lives there full time.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/02/2020 12:13

Have you spoken to your ex/her Dad about this yet?

The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to sort out. And this was yesterday? I'd have been straight on the phone to him.

Whynosnowyet · 20/02/2020 14:27

Protecting your dd is more important than having a relationship with a df who is unwilling to admit there are sibling issues.
Tell dd she can stay home from now on. Let him seek legal advice.

MsDogLady · 20/02/2020 14:42

Your child is being hit, grabbed, bullied and disbelieved in that home. That is abuse in my eyes and I would not send her back.

vhs95 · 20/02/2020 15:37

My grandson stays with his father and stepmother once a month - they have 2 children together and he gets on OK with them. The problem is the stepmother - she calls him a retard and a mong, criticises what he's wearing and says that his opinion doesn't matter. His father is a straight talker but not like that. She never does it when dad is present. My grandson doesn't like being with her but refuses to let us say anything as dad will take her side. Mum and dad don't co-parent at all so can't have an informal chat even. My grandson is 11 and it breaks my heart when she drives up to collect him on her own - a miserable 40mins in store. If it was physical in any way it would be different - I hope you get it sorted safely x

Bringringbring · 20/02/2020 15:40

Not a cats chance in hell I’d be sending my dd to that environment. Until I’d spoke with ex and had assurance they would never be left alone again.

Itwasntme1 · 20/02/2020 15:45

@vhs95 I really think you need to intervene on your grandsons behalf. This consistent nasty bullying is very destructive and has to be stopped.

It is child cruelty, and I really do think you have a responsibility to report it.

Gutterton · 20/02/2020 15:56

Sorry vhs95 this is shocking - emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse than physical abuse. YOU as the adult he had confided in need to take immediate action otherwise YOU are facilitating his abuse. This will destroy his MH. Can you approach them both face to face with a log of what was said and when? Or can your DGD record this if you are worried he won’t be believed?

OP protect your DD. Don’t send her. Talk to the Dad and agree v clear and firm behaviour standards (ie never left alone) with consequences - this needs to be overt and crystal clear and agreed between the DF, his son and your DD. She then has a process and the option not to go. I am so sorry that this is happening. Do you know how long it has been going on for?

Gutterton · 20/02/2020 16:00

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/report/

vhs95 give them a call - it can be anonymous. They know how to handle it so that your DGS is not hurt even more in this process.

MsDogLady · 20/02/2020 16:03

If it was physical in any way it would be different.

@vhs95, your grandson is being emotionally/verbally abused. That cruel woman is a monster. Please intervene. This type of abuse is incredibly damaging.

Butterflyflower1234 · 20/02/2020 16:08

Don't siblings fight all the time? It feels like this is being blown completely out of proportion because they are not full siblings.

By all means speak to her Dad but you have no right withholding access.

My sister did so many things to me growing up including pulling a garage door down on me so I cut my head open. I would also push her and slam the door in her face. It's what siblings do growing up.

Bringringbring · 20/02/2020 16:18

* Don't siblings fight all the time? It feels like this is being blown completely out of proportion because they are not full siblings.*

these kids have been left alone and he has displayed some disturbing behaviour towards a girl that he is related through solely through marriage and he doesn’t live with her.
So you could be chilled about it and shrug it off as “sibling” behaviour as this poster would do.

Or you could listen to your daughter and if she doesn’t feel safe returning - she doesn’t go.

And yes - you absolutely do have a right to withhold access until he has responded satisfactorily. Ensure all clearly documented in an email to him try our concerns

Gutterton · 20/02/2020 16:21

Not it is not what siblings do all of the time. It is not acceptable. It is toxic, abusive and dysfunctional.

As parents our job is to manage sibling rivalry and teach our children inside and outside of the home to manage conflict in a productive non violent way.

The DD is being abused, the DF is not addressing this and I would imagine that not being believed and protected could be more emotionally traumatising than the physical attack. She is a little girl of 9 - I would imagine that this bullying has been going on in one form or another for the whole time they have been together.

vhs95 · 20/02/2020 18:41

I didn't mean to poke my two-pennorth onto this thread but you are all right of course. The situation with my grandson can't continue.

Gutterton · 20/02/2020 18:47

vhs95 we are glad you did. Keep posting if you need direction and support.

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