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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you refuse to send her?

42 replies

Pancake20 · 20/02/2020 11:25

I've namechanged as this could be outing.

My DD is 9. Her dad has a 12yearold son. Yesterday she went to her dads and when I picked her up she was quiet. This morning she told me that her dad had to go out quickly but his son said he'd look after her but when their dad left he was saying how she needed to be punished (she wrote something in his diary last week but I told her off and she apologised). So he grabbed her wrist and when she started crying he said their dad doesn't like crybabies. And he threatened her if she told anyone.

Can I have advice?

OP posts:

Heartburn888 · 20/02/2020 20:39

The son shouldn’t be punishing your dd full stop. It’s not his place to at all whatsoever. He sounds like a bully and as he lives there full time it sounds like he doesn’t like her coming over and is doing these things to probably put her off coming. Tel her dad, I’d be tempted to collar the lad and ask him what the hell he thinks he’s doing - obviously in a non-shouty way. If he was in a public environment for instance and he was man handling someone’s child I’m sure the parent would say something to him so why should it be any different? He needs to be responsible for his own actions and realise that these actions come with their own punishment enforceable by his parent(s)

Anonyma · 20/02/2020 23:14

I can't agree with a pp that it's "normal" sibling behaviour and should just be accepted. Her dad needs to step up, or be made to step up, and protect her. Both of the children need their adults to sort this situation out.

I'm from a large family where we had one violent, nasty, bullying child, always protected by his mother. Now that we're adults, the rest of us want nothing to do with him. Our various elderly parents are always saying things like "but you were all just children", "that's normal between siblings / cousins", "you take small things too seriously". It makes us raging mad. The rest of us never hit and verbally abused smaller children in the family, only him. It wasn't normal for us. If they'd done anything to correct his behaviour then, perhaps we could have a relationship with him now but it's far too late.

Original poster

Pancake20 · 20/02/2020 23:21

I've spoken to my ex and he said he spoke to his son and he told him that DD was laughing at him about his mum (she passed away a few years ago). So he told her to stop and she carried on so he pushed her but didn't grab her. I asked dd and told her she wouldn't be in trouble but she said she didn't.

He's supposed to have her tomorrow as I've got an appointment but now I dont know what to do

OP posts:

MzHz · 20/02/2020 23:24

She can’t go. You know this, you know he’s lying and the ds knows he’s lying. Your dd wouldn’t have said such a thing, you know her and so does your ex.

She’s not safe alone with his ds, so he can see her on a 1-2-1 basis away from the house.

MzHz · 20/02/2020 23:25

Could you see if a school friend could have her while you have the appointment?

Cherrysoup · 20/02/2020 23:26

I would not allow her to go. The possibly that she is being hit would make this a definite no.

Gutterton · 20/02/2020 23:57

So was your ex justifying a physical punishment by his 12 year old son on your 9
year old DD?

If so, then your issue is much bigger than the actual assault - an adult allowing it.

Sounds also like lies and minimising by the son as his story doesn’t tally with your DD.

Also if you don’t think that she would have taunted about his mother’s death - then he is also behaving v emotionally manipulatively.

Original poster

Pancake20 · 21/02/2020 00:07

My ex also said that children push eachother and that he wouldnt hurt DD.

No a schoolfriend can't have dd. As the only friend of dds that have a parent who doesn't work has plans.

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 21/02/2020 00:12

I wouldn't trust this man with a cat never mind your/his child... he is not keeping her safe. .. I repeat.. he is not keeping her safe. so No I would not be sending her there again.. let him take you to court.. His 12 year old son will of course be delighted by this news.. but no way would he be laying a hand on my daughter..

MsPavlichenko · 21/02/2020 00:13

You should not send her. Please don't make the decision based on lack of child care. Rearrange or take her with you.

Gutterton · 21/02/2020 00:18

How long has your DD stayed over with the son - this might have been going on for years and she has only just voiced it? Or maybe it’s recent as puberty or his trauma kick in? He may we’ll be distressed loosing his mother so he may need help - might explain it NEVER excuses it.

Original poster

Pancake20 · 21/02/2020 00:33

Shes been staying over with him there for almost 3 years. Before this though they never met as he lived quite far away and whenever his son visited dd was never with my ex. At first they had a good relationship and had similar interests etc and he was a nice boy. But then his behaviour got terrible (not towards dd) and was exclouded from school for a few days and then around September/October dd told me he said she couldn't play out with him because she was annoying their friend (they are both friends with this girl but he's the same age as her). And then before Christmas he did something again which I said in my pp. I don't know if that's the only things he's done though

OP posts:

Blackandgreenteas · 21/02/2020 00:43

*her dad believed his son

Then she doesn't go - end of*

This. Absolutely no way should she be going there. Her dad will have to demonstrate a real, massive change in attitude, and win her trust again, before it can even be considered.

Pandamoore · 21/02/2020 03:19

No way would I send her.

Quartz2208 · 21/02/2020 09:40

Ok so even though they have been half siblings since they were born they only met 3 years ok. How on earth does that work - when you were together didnt he come and visit you. Now he is coping with a huge bereavement and having to share his Dad with a half sister he previously had no relationship with? And your DD is suddenly having to share her time with her Dad with a very troubled young man

I mean I have to say that all of the adults have handled this so badly it is no wonder that this is coming up now. Why didnt they meet at the start. This isnt normal sibling behaviour because they have never been allowed to be normal siblings

I think your ex needs to get some counselling and CAMHS intervention for his son it sounds as if he is not dealing at all with the loss of his mother and the huge change in circumstances. And keeping them separate would be good

And he also needs to figure out a way to see his daughter as well

Original poster

Pancake20 · 21/02/2020 10:47

We split up when dd was 1 or 2. And his son didn't visit when I was with my ex.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 21/02/2020 10:49

That is so sad though OP they were never given the chance to have a relationship. No wonder it is full of resentment now

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