Struggling. I wasn’t raped but I agreed to sex I didn’t want.

[Voxx]

With my exH. Relationship ended several years ago when I left him. The relationship was pretty disfunctional on many levels, and there was some definite financial abuse in that he would withhold money from me as a ‘punishment’ if I pissed him off, knowing full well that I had no other source of income (I was a SAHM).

He never physically forced me to have sex with him. And he never outright mentally coerced me either. But we got to the stage where he would sulk if it had been too long without sex and I frequently made the decision that it was easier to let him get on with it and have a few days respite from his constant moaning that I ‘showed him no affection’ than it was to say no. Although I did sometimes. The sex we did have did have frequently did nothing for me. Sometimes I was able to get into it but mostly I endured it, I suppose. It was often painful if I was not at all aroused. Sometimes I would cry.

It was some years ago now and I am enjoying a great sex life with a new and lovely partner. But I think about the situation I found myself in with my ex fairly regularly. I don’t know why I didn’t say no. I’m certain he wouldn’t have physically forced me so I almost feel like I brought it on myself in a way? Has anyone else had any experience with this?

Yes it was like this with my ex husband. He would pressure me and be mentally abusive if I didn't want sex. I used to dread him coming to bed because I knew the pressure would start. I would say I had a period or headache as he would never just accept that I wasn't in the mood.

I would give in and I felt like a walk sock. He wouldn't try to pleasure me, it was all about his needs. He ended up cheating because he claimed I wasnt giving him enough sex. We have split now but I still feel hurt and shame when I think about it.

You didn't bring it on yourself OP, these men are sexually abusive. I can see that now.

*wank sock

Interesting reading this, thank you for sharing it
I am currently in a similar situation and do worry about the effect that it is having could have on my mental health. It is soul destroying.

I don’t know why I don’t say no - I just can’t bear the atmosphere and confrontation that is likely to ensue.

It becomes hard to say no as their behaviour makes it hard to I think. My ex would sulk, make cruel digs and just be horrible to me so it was easier to give in. But it wasn't enjoyable for me as it felt like I had no choice.

But I need to be stronger.

When I have broached it in the past he’s said along the lines of “well you can’t expect me to be happy about it”
And I see what he means. Whilst I shouldn’t feel I have to pretend to be up for it, he also can’t pretend that he’s not pissed off about it if he wants to have sex and I don’t.

I don’t know what the answer is - well, apart from trying to end the relationship which I’m sort of working on

I could have written your post @Voxx! I'm also now divorced from ExH and he was exactly like yours. Not obviously coercive but still made life - just bleugh - if I resisted sex with him. It wasn't the only reason we split - but it was a big part.
Now i'm single and have tried dating and I find I'm constantly asking in my head "Am I doing this because I want to - or because its expected or what the guy wants"
I did have counselling throughout my divorce and that was extremely helpful. The counsellor was the first person to identify my eX as a bully and also told me I am a "pleaser" which explains why I didn't say "No"
I honestly don't know if I could manage a long term relationship again - as i can just see myself falling into the same "trap" again.

My ExH was like this - expected me to do everything around the house and for DD, treated me like rubbish, then turned on the smarm charm in the bedroom and expected me to want him.

When I ran out of periods and headaches I'd begrudgingly sleep with him but I hated it. He'd criticise me for not being wet enough for him but that's hardly surprising considering how he treated me!

I thought my sex drive had gone forever but my DP now is just lovely and I can't wait to jump into bed with him when we get the chance!

I’m sorry so many have had similar experiences. So sad.

Same @eenymeeny. My current DP is lovely and I have never felt the least bit pressured by him in any way. I’m always more than keen to have sex with him and frequently initiate.

I waited a a good couple of years after I split with ex to start dating again and was very cautious when I did. I did the Freedom Programme and was on the look out for warning signs and stopped seeing several men because of potential red flags. I’ve never had any formal therapy about the sex thing with my ex but I have done my best to deal with it and move on.

It doesn’t impact on my sex life with DP at all because the experiences are so different I think. But I don’t understand why I am still giving it headspace after all these years. How do I stop thinking about it and get closure?

You didn’t bring it upon yourself. You were just trying to cope in a relationship with an abusive man. It was never your fault. Please be kind to yourself.

Yes, I had 2 exes like that. Controlling and jealous and didn't help with kids and chores and then expected me to want to have sex with them. I enjoyed it when I did but would often stay up late or come up with excuses not to have it. The last couple of years I pretty much just laid there.

I was accused of being fridgid, having affairs etc and they didn't see it was their behaviour that put me off sex with them and nothing to do with anything else. I have a very high sex drive when I'm with someone that treats me well.

It was mental coercion. You were doing it because the consequences if you didn't made your life intolerable. And this was set against a background of wider abuse.

It's possible the reason it continues to intrude into the present despite you pushing it away is because of trauma. Traumatic experiences interrupt the brain's processing so instead of ending up labelled as happening in the past as part of your memory bank, they're fragmented and still labelled "active". Which means if something triggers those memories then your brain hits replay as if they're happening still, and that they intrude into your present without invitation.

The fact that you blame yourself also may not be helping them be processed and filed away. At the time blaming yourself made it survivable - it gave you a sense of control, and made the situation safer and more manageable - but continuing to blame yourself means you're recreating the hostile, abusive environment you used to live in. You can't really heal from abuse while it's still ongoing, and continuing to beat yourself up like this means it is still ongoing.

That voice in your head sounds more like him than you. It's his fault he abused you, it's his fault he created such a hostile and unbearable environment you no longer had the choice to withhold consent, and it's his fault he coerced you into sex (which whether you feel comfortable calling it that or not is rape - physical force doesn't come into the legal definition of rape in this country).

Forgiving yourself and being compassionate and kind to yourself will help. putting the blame on the right place will help. Some form of trauma therapy may also help.

It was not your fault.

Ladies,

If you relent for the sake of peace ...
If you give in to sex you don't want to avoid confrontation or an atmosphere ...
If it's "easier to give in" rather than face abuse ...
If you do it begrudgingly ...

... you are not consenting.

No one has the right to make you feel like you need to "have sex" in order to not have an argument, be judged, or mocked. If you give in and allow them to do so, they are raping you. I am sorry that you all have experience of this, it's never nice.

The fact that you blame yourself also may not be helping them be processed and filed away. At the time blaming yourself made it survivable - it gave you a sense of control, and made the situation safer and more manageable - but continuing to blame yourself means you're recreating the hostile, abusive environment you used to live in. You can't really heal from abuse while it's still ongoing, and continuing to beat yourself up like this means it is still ongoing.

@user53976478853 Oh God, that’s it exactly. At the time, I did tell myself it was a choice I was making. A hard choice I made to keep the peace and make my life easier but a choice nonetheless.

If you realise it wasn’t then you have to deal with the fact that your husband coerced you into sex not once but dozens and dozens of times over several years. How do I get my head round that? I feel quite tearful.

Perhaps you feel safe enough now to start processing some of this? You could talk it through with a counsellor if you have access eg through a work programme, gp, or private. Or if not, try 'self parenting' maybe? I do that sometimes. It's where you sort of 'mother' yourself, so say nice things like you would to a friend or family member who was upset

If you realise it wasn’t then you have to deal with the fact that your husband coerced you into sex not once but dozens and dozens of times over several years. How do I get my head round that? I feel quite tearful.

Me too, the further away I get from the 'relationship' I had with ExH the worse I realise it was. It's been over 4 years now since we separated but the pain and anger still surface way too easily.

This is exactly like me. I only kicked my soon to be exh out a few weeks ago and on top of some very subtle emotional abuse this issue was ongoing. I'm in therapy anyway but have used the last few sessions to try and find ways to process that I've been minimising it and that exh knew I wasn't truly consenting. He'd use spit sometimes if my body wasn't cooperating which in itself is innocent but in the context it tells me that he knew that I wasn't into it even if I had gone "oh OK then!" just to stop him asking. He'd ask and ask and his excuse was "well if I didn't keep asking we'd never have sex" when actually I just didn't want to sleep with him because he was treating me badly and being a lazy father. He obviously denies ever being pushy and says "well it's not like I raped you. You could've said no". Which is funny because I often would say no the first few times he'd ask

I was raped as a teen so it's a bit of a double whammy. I feel like I've seen both ends of the spectrum and it's been a bit of a head f**k. I'm sorry you've experienced it too. Im glad your current DP treats you well. It really isn't out fault. These people feel entitled to women's bodies and know its poor behaviour

And I completely understand the realization that this happened over and over and became the norm and acknowledging that it's potentially done you some psychological damage. It's quite a biggy but its better to face it eventually than continue to internalise it and blame yourself.

*our fault - sorry I type too fast!

I can relate.

My ex, we had a DC together and i stupidly stayed with him for the sake of DC thinking i was doing the right thing for us all. I had no interest in sex with my ex, more so after giving birth and wasn't helped by having very irregular periods where i would have a period every 2 weeks and ex would get frustrated because he wanted sex.
He always initiated and if he wasn't put off by my excuses he would get on with it while i just laid there waiting for it to end.
Many times if id said no to sex he would turn me onto my front and masturbate over the back of me which used to make me feel used and disgusting. I'm pretty sure if id been more forceful saying no he wouldnt have continued (but who knows) i was inexperienced and felt like i had to let him have something as it was my duty as his partner.
I do think about it every now and then but not to an extent i feel like it affects me, I've never told anybody in real life either.
Perhaps the key is to talk about it, discuss it with somebody you trust? I'm very much the type of person who bottles things up and i know that's not a healthy way to approach things x

It's a lot to get your head around. A lot. I think the priority is being kind to yourself and taking care of yourself, and extending yourself the compassion you've had for other posters here.

Maybe for now all you do is sit with this idea and this new way of looking at it. Don't try to force yourself to absorb it or come to terms with it, just see that it's there and then to face it for short periods if it's bearable. Your brain will work away in the background too, trying to connect the pieces.

Gradually you will be able to start processing it and that will at some point lead to you coming to terms with it, but right now just let it sit there as an idea. Turn to look at it when you feel able, and then away a bit when you need to take care of yourself. Some people find writing or journaling helps them work through their thoughts and feelings, or otherwise just focus on learning to be kinder to yourself.

I know you probably want it all done and dealt with and behind you right now (who wouldn't?), and if I knew of a way to achieve that I would share it. Unfortunately it takes time, but the positive is that you do have time to work through this, and you'll heal better if you don't rush yourself - just like recovering from any injury it's important not to push yourself too hard. When it feels too much, stop, rest and do something caring for yourself.

It sounds a bit crap in the context of what you're facing, but kindness does make pain that little bit easier to bear. Do you have anything you can do today that would be nice for the sake of doing something nice?

When I split from my ex a decade ago, I was date raped by a man I had agreed to go home with. We were on the bed and he said he didn’t have a condom, I said no, but he went ahead anyway. I was horrified at the time but because I thought I loved him I didn’t want to admit to myself he had violated me, and he dumped me straight after.
For a couple of years I denied the feelings in my head because I had chosen to be there. I was ashamed because I hadn’t pushed him off.
I remember feeling aroused when it all started but as soon as he penetrated me without the condom I went cold and dead inside. Even now I feel it as a burning horrible feeling mixed up with the smell of him. I don’t want to call it rape. But it was a violation. And now I do call it rape. In your case you felt coerced into it. You can call it what you need to in order to define the feeling of violation.

I was on the phone to a female friend when I first started to explain it, she understood what I was saying, she said “I understand what you are trying to say. You don’t need to feel bad about feeling terrible. This was your body.”

It’s very hard and messy to come to terms with the feelings, so you must be very very gentle with yourself today, tomorrow and onwards. Processing it all is a journey, even reaching out and writing it now is part of that journey.
Absolutely find a way to get some counselling.

www.itv.com/thismorning/rape-helplines

There are links to help lines there and many of them are just a safe space to talk to start to process feelings. Please don’t deal with this alone. Perhaps because you are now with a safe good partner you can start to process it.

Can you do something nice for yourself today?
When I think of the date rape guy I have a little self talk that says “You did what you did because you thought you were safe. You did what you did because you were reacting to the situation you were in at that time. You aren’t to blame for his behaviour. If you hadn’t laid still there might have been force, you survived it and you can heal from it.” And then I reassure myself I have some distance from it, that my current partner is safe and that I would never put myself in that situation with anyone again.

There is healing and light at the end of the tunnel. You don’t have to do this alone.

I've had EMDR therapy and this was a big part of my trauma, albeit years ago, but it still affected me. The therapy has worked really well and I'm at peace with it now. You were coerced, you didn't willingly consent.

He'd use spit sometimes if my body wasn't cooperating which in itself is innocent but in the context it tells me that he knew that I wasn't into it even if I had gone "oh OK then!" just to stop him asking.

Same. I thought I was the only one this happened to...

I find the hardest part is trying to wrap my head around the fact that despite what I told myself at the time (to make it bearable) I didn't want to. But he made it happen anyway. He didn't pin me down and use physical force but he still forced me because the alternative was worse than just giving in. Otherwise I wouldn't have ever given in against my wishes.

I hope you've got something you can distract yourself with today?

my ex was like this. he expected sex every other day and would silk and complain if i wasn’t into it. i would give in for the sake of a quiet life. it was never about us - he wanted to do what he wanted to do and he made me feel like a hole.

i left him 6 months ago and the peace is wonderful. the relationship before him was with a sexually abusive man and i swore i would never go through that again but patterns repeat and boundaries were eroded.

never again. my body, my choice.