Struggling. I wasn’t raped but I agreed to sex I didn’t want.

[Voxx]

With my exH. Relationship ended several years ago when I left him. The relationship was pretty disfunctional on many levels, and there was some definite financial abuse in that he would withhold money from me as a ‘punishment’ if I pissed him off, knowing full well that I had no other source of income (I was a SAHM).

He never physically forced me to have sex with him. And he never outright mentally coerced me either. But we got to the stage where he would sulk if it had been too long without sex and I frequently made the decision that it was easier to let him get on with it and have a few days respite from his constant moaning that I ‘showed him no affection’ than it was to say no. Although I did sometimes. The sex we did have did have frequently did nothing for me. Sometimes I was able to get into it but mostly I endured it, I suppose. It was often painful if I was not at all aroused. Sometimes I would cry.

It was some years ago now and I am enjoying a great sex life with a new and lovely partner. But I think about the situation I found myself in with my ex fairly regularly. I don’t know why I didn’t say no. I’m certain he wouldn’t have physically forced me so I almost feel like I brought it on myself in a way? Has anyone else had any experience with this?

eenymeeny Ive never heard anyone else irl describe the same either. It used to make my skin crawl because I think despite the denial I was in my body knew it was doing something it didn't want to.

• sulk

Sounds grim Weapon but I'm glad you feel differently now and wouldn't let it happen again (not that it's ever the fault of the person being coerced it's just hard to see for what it is in the midst of relationships).

What used to confuse me was that exh would insist on doing foreplay on me (I describe it like that because I wasn't into it most times and faked it otherwise he'd take it so personally) like some sort of 'look I made it nice for you so it's not like I'm using you'. That used to really throw me off.

Sorry op I kinda spam posted a few things there but I hope reading this all back has helped and that you know we all relate and empathise. It's unfortunately more common than you'd think considering it's not really talked about when people talk about consent or rape, leaving a lot of women feeling quite unsure of what's happened or the validity of it.

I will be back later. Half term here and I’m off work so I have 2 DCs to entertain which will keep me busy/distracted. I hope everyone else is OK today as well.

I had a similar situation with an ex. It was a very dysfunctional relationship (if you can even call it a relationship). He was a narcissistic, spoilt brat and would sulk if he didn't get his way regarding anything especially sex. Sex with him was crap. There was little emotional connection, he was all about pleasing himself and because he was also a raging alcoholic he would go on for ages without finishing which used to make me feel like I was rubbish in bed. It really was quite grim and when I look back i do feel a sense of shame for letting my body be treated like that. He made me feel really worthless.

Your ex sounds abusive without a doubt. I'm pleased to hear you've moved on and you're happy - that's often the best revenge for these types. I do understand why you still think about your previous experiences because I do too. But we can't change the past and it's best to move on, learn and grow. Try not to be resentful as it will eat away at you. Focus on what you have now.

@beckywiththeshithair33 mine was also a raging alcoholic.

i’m a recovering one, but he wouldn’t even brush his teeth as a concession to me not wanting booze fumes everywhere. and yes also to the never finishing. ugh. i used to go for mornings because it was only 5 minutes then and i’d be left alone.

god that sounds awful written down. i’m staying single for a good while and considering doing the Freedom Programme to avoid making the same mistakes again.

That's coercion and it's a form of sexual abuse.

@aWeaponCalledtheWord honestly it's terrible isn't it. Sometimes it would be hours. No thought or feeling for how I was feeling. He really was a disgusting person and I get angry even thinking about it. I'm with someone else now and I'm incredibly happy. I feel like I can't talk to him about this though - who wants to hear about their partners past sexual experiences?! But it does bother me and sadly I still have to occasionally see the other guy for work related purposes.

I agree with the PP who said that EMDR therapy is really helpful-would recommend.

I recently finished with another one that was quite coercive. What's helping me is to think that I will not do it again. It's making me feel in control and a total rejection of all he cajoled me into doing, to have blocked him on everything.

It's easy to say, but I can only say that I will not do it again. It's not worth keeping a man iff he does that.

@beckywiththeshithair33 How long have you been seeing your latest guy? Obviously if it's early days you mightn't want to discuss that unless it's in a 'this is stuff up with which I shall not put' kind of way.

If it's been a bit longer, a good partner is also like a close friend, he will want to know all that's on your mind.