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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you ever get over a breakup?

43 replies

Breakmystride · 19/02/2020 07:00

Just that really. I was seeing someone for a year. It was quite up and down and we split up about 8 months ago. I was devastated. He got back in touch two months later and we tried being friends but I just couldn’t. No contact for two months now. But I still feel sad most days. Just wondering if I’ll ever get over it.

OP posts:
pisspants · 19/02/2020 07:14

ooh break I had to reply to this as I am in exactly the same situation with timings and when it happened also. I woke up and was still thinking about him. So I am watching this thread with interest. He says he still loves me but hasn't really apologised about some shitty treatment and behaviour he gave me which included breaking up with me in a fit of anger. I know it is for the

Welshmaenad · 19/02/2020 07:16

Yeah, you do.

It took me a long time to get over the break up of an 18 month relationship because it was unexpected and confusing, I think. We are still friends and that made it harder for me.

However I am now in a new relationship and really happy. I had a lot of counselling which helped massively.

pisspants · 19/02/2020 07:16

oops hit post by accident...
I know it is for the best for me and my children as i dont want to be treated like that or my kids to experience the volatility but it is so hard and I can't bring myself to go back to dating again and I still think if him and all the really good times and amazing connection that we had.

SparkleUK · 19/02/2020 07:19

Yes you do.

There is no set time period but it eventually becomes easier. They're never nice to go through but keeping yourself busy with things that matter to you always helps. Staying in contact or trying to be friends always prolongs the hurt in my experience.

Floribundance · 19/02/2020 07:25

Yes, you do. It helped me to separate the sadness for what might have/should have been from the reality of what the relationship was. I’m still sad that things worked out the way they did but I know that it wasn’t working.

ClassicallyConditioned · 19/02/2020 07:30

Yes. The way to speed up the process is to totally cut him out of your life (block him on social media etc) and to keep reminding yourself that it is over forever - keeping any hope of getting back together will stop you from getting over him.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 19/02/2020 07:32

2 months is nothing.

But i agree, no half measures.
Being any sort of friend would make you feel bad.

Original poster
Breakmystride · 19/02/2020 07:42

Yes. It’s made it much easier since I stopped all contact. I’ve removed him from all my social media and that’s massively helped. I just would feel so awful if I kept looking at him every day. The sad thing is I constantly think about him and daydream about him. I need a distraction.

He wasn’t always great but neither was I suppose and I feel like I’ve learnt a lot and come a long way since 8 months ago. I’ve had lots of counselling. I’m just sad in a way he didn’t love me enough to stick it through or try again. But I also keep telling myself there’s no point being with someone who doesn’t love you or doesn’t want to fight for you.

I often wonder if he thinks about me. But I think probably not.

OP posts:
AndTheBlusteryDay · 19/02/2020 08:34

The sad thing is I constantly think about him and daydream about him. I need a distraction.

That partnisba choice. You have control over that. You can stop it and do something different but you're choosing to 'indulge' it.

Whenever you catch yourself thinking about him, do something else. It doesn't matter what. But do.something different.

Isitreally77 · 19/02/2020 09:18

Yes you do but no one can give you a time because everyone is different.

I was with my ex husband for 14 years, we separated two years ago, and I still have days where I miss him. We used to go to this cafe and I went there the other week (go quite often so not first time or anything) and all of a sudden I felt pang of sadness for what we had.

The pain is less each day but the trauma of my marriage breakdown did make its mark on me and it has taken a long time for me to heal and want to date again (and I do just got to find the right man now).

Monty27 · 19/02/2020 09:34

Yes you do recover. You need to forget him. Get on with your life. It's too precious. Flowers

PinkMonkeyBird · 19/02/2020 09:36

Yes you can, totally..in time. My previous ex cheated on me and we split in October 2018. I would never want him back at all. He is scum to me, but I still have residual anger towards the way he treated me and my DC. That lessens each day and it also helps that I'm in a new relationship with someone 100% kinder and lovely.

RantyAnty · 19/02/2020 09:43

Of course. I've had plenty of boyfriends over the years and I don't give them a 2nd thought. There are a couple I don't even remember their names.

GotBeatenUp · 19/02/2020 10:07

I hope so. The rule of thumb is one month for every year.

I split up with someone last year. We were happy for most of the years we were together, then a female friend became single. His behaviour changed. He kept reassuring that there was nothing going on, but when I finally realised that there really was an EA or affair...

I am left with memories of lovely times but they are marred, doubts as to why he did it, why he couldn't have told me there was someone else, how long was it going on, was I always second best...? , the lies. When I asked him to stop seeing her he attacked me.

Ghosted since.

I have no closure.

I hope she has told him she's not interested in him.
He has no conscience.

A break-up against your wishes is never easy, dealing with cheating is awful, but to be beaten up for confronting him is hell.

opticaldelusion · 19/02/2020 11:34

Yep, you definitely do. Your healing has been interrupted by the renewed contact so unfortunately you go back to square one a little bit. In time you'll be ok. No contact really does help.

DaphneBlake101 · 19/02/2020 11:36

To be honest, I think it's quite healthy that you're experiencing this right now. I didn't mourn the end of my previous relationship - looking back, I just compartmentalised and ended up moving on very quickly. I thought because I wasn't that upset about it, that meant that it was the right decision to end things. Six years down the line, I'm now really struggling to deal with the end of that relationship, even though I'm in a new relationship.

PumpkinP · 19/02/2020 14:52

Of course. I’ve had exes I don’t give a damn about now. How do you think anyone ever moves on and is happy in a new relationship. It might take quicker for others but you definitely do.

Original poster
Breakmystride · 19/02/2020 21:41

So sorry to all of you going through this and still struggling.

Daphne - I agree. I think one of the reasons this break up has really affected me is i was in a 8 year relationship before and never processed that. In fact I was in contact with him all the time and emotionally - but not physically - involved and reliant on him until I met my next boyfriend. And really it was all just a car crash and I ended up having to process two breakups really at the same time. Horrendous.

It’s only now I can see that the first boyfriend was not great. Although I thought he was the love of my life and gave up so much for him, he gave up very little for me although I used to genuinely believe he loved me but he strung me along for years and although he was emotionally there for me in many ways he let me down terribly on things that were so important to me and it really messed me up for years, even now. In a way my next boyfriend was much easier to deal with. Even though he wasn’t great and quite selfish you just knew where you stood with him and even though the breakup was painful and then he got back in touch he never tried to offer anything he was never going to go through with and I do feel grateful for that and didn’t play any games with me in that sense. It’s all very sad. I have a lot of anger towards my first partner and resentment and disappointment. I’m still in touch with him as he’s pretty much the only person I have for support, no family, but I have a counsellor and I’ve learnt to become much less reliant on him. I think it’s best I just stay single for a long time and possibly forever. I just feel so drained and sad by it all.

OP posts:
ThirtyAndASmidgen · 19/02/2020 21:47

Yes, you can and you will. I came out of a five year relationship about three years ago and have had a horrendous time since, but I can honestly say that I’ve come out of the other side a stronger and happier person than I ever thought imaginable. Therapy and good friends help. Flowers

willowmelangell · 19/02/2020 22:26

Falling in love is wonderful. When one of you falls out of love, it is so horrible.
I have been on the receiving end of two different types of breakup. The let down gently and the cut off.
The hardest was being let down gently. Every word and gesture was agonised over endlessly as to the meaning. Self inflicted torture. I ended up being anorexic, eating was all I had control over and my weight plummeted to about 6 1/2 stone. That took a full two years to get over.
The swift cut off was brutal at first but clear and recovery was much quicker, 3-4 months. But I had to work at it.
Having friends, hobbies, a rewarding job, taking up new interests, rediscovering old ones and no drunk texting(!) block on all levels, this is helpful. Make a new routine. It can fill up the hours until a new normal kicks in.
One tip I can pass on is, when invited to do something, say yes straight away.

I remember actual physical pain and feeling so unlovable. I had given my all and it was not enough.

And no rebound guys, no quick fixes. You will look back and regret any out of character behaviour.

Original poster
Breakmystride · 19/02/2020 22:34

Yes I agree. I think the brutal clear cut off although horrendously painful does allow you to process it much easier and at least try and put your life back together.

It’s strange because although in many ways my second boyfriend was a twat, I do really respect that when he decided enough was enough he ended it, no messing me around. In many ways he was kinder after we split up. I desperately wanted to talk to him and he let me speak to him at length even though he was hurting himself and he was kind about it but he never led me on in that conversation, he was firm but kind it was over.

I’ve no idea why he decided he thought we should be friends two months later. But anyway since I told him I can’t do it and that I would have to block him and remove him from all social media I’ve not heard from him since. I always hope if he really wants to get in touch he will but I know I’ll never contact him.

Yes it’s strange. I do really respect that he just didn’t mess me around with the breakup.

OP posts:
Ruby889 · 19/02/2020 23:48

I was seeing someone for over a year and he was lovely. We had our little moments but nothing major. When he ended things I was really upset and for the next couple months I tried really hard to remain friends..however he became distant and i ended up finding that he was seeing someone which made me feel horrible. I couldnt do it anymore. We ended up falling out (due to me struggling) and we went NC. We then got back in touch however he was still distant and i then found out the person who he was with is someone who he begun speaking to while he was with me. I asked him why he wasnt just honest and he ended up getting angry and asking to not speak again. I said ok. We ended 8/9 months ago too and its been almost 2 months since we last spoke.

I do still think about him but i guess it wasnt meant to be :(

Original poster
Breakmystride · 20/02/2020 06:57

Bump feeling quite sad this morning

OP posts:
Original poster
Breakmystride · 20/02/2020 19:45

Am really struggling this evening. It’s been 8 months since we broke up. Over 2 months of no contact. Why do I still feel this way? I just feel so sad. I did look at his twitter just now and he’s clearly living his life. Makes me just feel rubbish.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 20/02/2020 19:49

Why on earth are you following him on Twitter?