Advice for young marriage

[fatgirlwithalisp]

Hi mumsnetters,

Apologies in advance for the length but I desperately need advice:

I have been married for less than 2 years and I am seriously considering leaving my husband. I never thought this would be the case.

Initially the ‘opposites attract’ rule was precisely the thing between my husband and I that attracted me to him. I’m quite outgoing, daring and I suppose what some people would call quirky. If it’s relevant I also suffered from incredibly low self esteem in the years leading up to me meeting him as I’d recently lost a significant amount of weight which thus opened up a lot of possibilities to me. He’s very square but also calm and dependable - sporty, not a talker, accepts me for who I am.

I am in a strange place in my life where I find that I’m starting to question things I previously found tolerable. He has always placed his friends and family above me; he will tell me I am being rude if I don’t agree to all of the various social occasions we’re asked to. He plays a sport which is particularly time demanding and his social life revolves around it. I didn’t really know the implications of it when I met him but I know that attending these events will never be my ‘thing’, despite meeting some nice people as a result of his hobby.

Around 6 years ago there was one week where I found out he’d cheated on me (kissed someone, maybe more but not full sex) and because (I see now) I was so insecure I really felt I had to hang on to him and stupidly bought a house with him. At the time, I was craving stability because my home family life was chaotic.

We lived together for another year after this, and everything was okay until I realised he had started exchanging Snapchat pictures with a girl I didn’t know and they were very flirty. I asked him if anything was going on and he said no.
I actually messaged the girl and she said nothing physical had happened but she was so sorry. He also said nothing physical had happened.

He proposed months later and I agreed, as due to his ok behaviour and my shocking self-esteem believed our problems were over.

I feel that I have slowly shrunk my life: I agreed to buy a house in the town where he’s from and I know no-one. I didn’t do a post-grad because I’d committed to a mortgage. I stopped going out because it seemed like everyone said we should be saving money

He has been aggressive with me over Christmas this year and did once before, but not what I’d call violent.

My question is, what the hell do I do at 29? I have PCOS, my whole life is in his horrible town and all of my friends are settled. I miss life, in general. However, the thought of untangling my life terrifies me as I’ve been out of work for a few months and to be honest my credit history is shocking (I know this isn't great but I I've no way of solving this right now)

I don’t love him, but would you start again at 29? Has anyone found love despite fertility problems after 29? I want children and a full life with someone. I live in a small town where I don’t exactly have my pick of nice men.

Disclosure: there are a lot of things I could tell you about his financial habits and general attitude towards me that I simply haven’t covered in this post. I can answer, and apologies for drip feeding but this is a first post and need some genuine advice . Thanks!

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. Someone will be along with some great advice soon x

I think you probably already know what you have to do. You sound like you've had to put up with a lot from him and you don't particularly list any positives about him. He's cheated on you at least once if not more. And frankly has been benefitting from your low self esteem to have his cake and eat it.

It's so good that you're finding yourself with more self esteem now (I hope) because you can seriously do better. You are so young! You have everything ahead of you! You have well over a decade left to meet someone else and have children and PCOS barriers are overcome by women all the time. So many people at 29 haven't found someone to settle down with so don't fall into the trap of thinking that you're too old, and then sadly realise in 30 years that you weren't too old at all.

Do you really want to spend another 60-70 years with this guy? Someone who doesn't value you after just two years of marriage. You will end up leaving him for your own happiness, be it now or in several years when he's cheated over again. Save your future self the heartache, move on, move cities and enjoy your life.

You would be insane NOT to leave him. If you only realised how young 29 really is. Get your things together and GO.

You sound like you would be happier alone than with him.

29 is still young to meet someone else and start a family with though. There are already issues in the relationship that I don't think a child should be brought into, so please don't have a child with the wrong guy just to have a baby- I had a baby with who I thought was the most amazing guy, boy was I wrong.

for you, I know it's tough

There's a book called should I stay or should I go that you can get on Kindle ( you wouldn't want to leave it lying about the house) that you might find helpful.

To be honest you sound very unhappy living where you are and that's not a good sign.

Yes, I would definitely start again at 29! You're way too young to settle.

Leave ... I did it at 30, called off the wedding and left a ten year relationship. Its hard when everyone is settled around you and you feel pressure and expectation but it's totally worth it.

I remember feeling like life was over at 30 and how I'd missed the boat/ that was it ... now at nearly 40 I couldn't care less and realise how young 30 is!

I met the most amazing man two years later and it really brought home what I'd been putting up with for those previous ten years.

I've got a chronic Illness and fertility issues, don't let these things stop you.. with the right man these things are not a barrier to happiness

Better to start again now than stay in such a negative relationship for another 10 to 20 years. A relationship should not be a crutch to lean on because you’re too scared of anything else, it should add to your life.

Be brave, do something different ... move away, a long way away ... get a working visa and go to another country ... study/retrain ... backpack around Europe. Do something that challenges you and scares you.

Imagine your life in 20 years if you stay ... then go.

You know the reasons you stayed when he cheated and you're not that person anymore.
You don't love him. You're only 29. You're so much more that your current life is.

Leave and learn to be you again.

This doesn't sound like a good relationship. If you are unhappy you should leave him. Leaving sooner is much better rather than letting things rumble on for years.

There are parts of your post that I could have written myself OP.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
29 is still young but even if you said you were 79 I would still say LEAVE.
You are not happy and your husband has been repeatedly disrespectful towards you and your relationship.
It sounds very much like you both want different things from life and like you would be happier on your own than with him.

A poor credit history is no reason to stay with a man (and a life) that is making you miserable.
Get your finances as much in order as you can in preparation for looking into selling your house.

Leave him, he's a knob and he cheated on you
Don't spend your 30s in a shit relationship

You could both live into your 90's.
Fancy another 60 years of this?

You are still young. You don’t love him. He honestly doesn’t sound like he loves you either.
You have no life. Leave him, get a divorce and start to rebuild your life. Don’t settle for this.

29 is the perfect age to be brave and build yourself a new life.

You don't have to stay in that town. Get yourself a nice divorce and maybe go do your post-grad, at any rate make a fresh start.

Time is still on your side, don't waste another year on this abusive man.

Definitely leave. You will never reget leaving him. You will regret staying. Being single forever would be 100 xs better than this.

Firstly, don’t bring children into this relationship. Especially if he can be aggressive. Secondly, things will be much much harder to untangle if you did. Chances are if you did have a baby then you wouldn’t ever leave.

You’re 29, there is plenty of time. This is not a life to stay in for the next 50 years.

Agree with everyone! Moved to different big city at 26/27 for post grad, meet DH at 28, started dating 29, married 32, babies 34/35.
You've lots of time. You'll have money from selling the house. Sort your credit. Get on a post grad in a big city. Bigger cities had more kidsdults who put off marriage etc until 30s. Do Freedom Programme. Read up on abusive relationships. Don't recreate this one. Enjoy your life!!

I just wanted to say that I am also in a pretty similar situation to you and 29 also so I get how you feel. I knew I wasn't ready for marriage but felt pressured by various things he said. I think the only way is leaving with your head held high. You are young and this is just a learning curve.

You absolutely can build a new life without him no matter what age you leave him (and 29 is super young! lots of us left unhappy relationships far later than that!). You deserve so much better than this.

Don't beat yourself up over having chosen to buy a house together and marry him ... it's good that you recognize that was partly due to low self-esteem, but the important thing is what you do moving forward, not dwelling on what a dope you were to do those things (lots of us have made similar poor choices in the past, we are right there with you!).

How about saying to yourself: "If I had really healthy self-esteem and wanted the best possible life for myself, what would I choose to do about my marriage now?"

I think the answer wouldn't be "stick around because I'm afraid I won't find anything better."

Hi everyone,

Wow, thank you so much for all of your kind messages and advice. I really wasn't expecting such a lot of replies!

This has really hammered home that my suspicions that he is the wrong man for me are in fact true. I suppose what frightens me is leaving with no idea what to do in terms of a home or lifestyle. Would it be cowardly to hang on until I'm at least working again so I have some spare money? I do have the option of going home to my parents but for various reasons this isn't practical.

And yes, thank you for the wake up call about bringing a baby into this situation. I know in my heart that would be the totally wrong thing to do but for some reason I've been focusing on how that would devastate HIM - not on how it would affect me.

Thanks again, I am amazed by the invaluable advice and now feel really quite tearful x

Oh @fatgirlwithalisp from what you have said, you should move on.

You’re 29, so young! Lots of great lessons learnt to take you forward into your new life.

Be strong it’s not going to be fun if you opt for divorce but down the line you will be so happy you did.

There are so many reasons to go but not really any to make you stay
Don’t let him extinguish your sense of fun and desire to be yourself, you’ve been suffocating too long
Children with him would be awful , but who knows what a future life where you can breath and actually be yourself can bring
Get some legal and financial advice about divorce. Check out your credit rating and get a plan
You are lucky not to be tied to him and can choose to go wherever you want
At 29 you are too young to feel so sad
Gather up that adventurous spirit he’s crushed and fly away as fast as you can x x x

Would it be cowardly to hang on until I'm at least working again so I have some spare money? I do have the option of going home to my parents but for various reasons this isn't practical.

But do you really want to be working where you are? Do you really see your future being in this town you dislike and he has all the connections?

I'd get legal advice about the house, start a divorce and consider where you want to be, whether your parents' is a better springboard for getting there (or could they help you financially to set up elsewhere?)

Yeah, consider the springboard is a good piece of advice. Again, think about what life you want in the long term, where you want to be located.

As you don't have children together, you are FREE--you don't have to be tied to living near him just because your kid is in school and the child's time is divided between the two of you.

Many of us bide our time for a while in order to be in a stronger position when we leave. It's totally OK to do that, but just have a good clear think about whether it's really necessary, or if it might be a "well, I don't want to upset him..." kind of thing that you're doing for his benefit.

Good luck, you sound lovely!