Advice for young marriage

[fatgirlwithalisp]

Hi mumsnetters,

Apologies in advance for the length but I desperately need advice:

I have been married for less than 2 years and I am seriously considering leaving my husband. I never thought this would be the case.

Initially the ‘opposites attract’ rule was precisely the thing between my husband and I that attracted me to him. I’m quite outgoing, daring and I suppose what some people would call quirky. If it’s relevant I also suffered from incredibly low self esteem in the years leading up to me meeting him as I’d recently lost a significant amount of weight which thus opened up a lot of possibilities to me. He’s very square but also calm and dependable - sporty, not a talker, accepts me for who I am.

I am in a strange place in my life where I find that I’m starting to question things I previously found tolerable. He has always placed his friends and family above me; he will tell me I am being rude if I don’t agree to all of the various social occasions we’re asked to. He plays a sport which is particularly time demanding and his social life revolves around it. I didn’t really know the implications of it when I met him but I know that attending these events will never be my ‘thing’, despite meeting some nice people as a result of his hobby.

Around 6 years ago there was one week where I found out he’d cheated on me (kissed someone, maybe more but not full sex) and because (I see now) I was so insecure I really felt I had to hang on to him and stupidly bought a house with him. At the time, I was craving stability because my home family life was chaotic.

We lived together for another year after this, and everything was okay until I realised he had started exchanging Snapchat pictures with a girl I didn’t know and they were very flirty. I asked him if anything was going on and he said no.
I actually messaged the girl and she said nothing physical had happened but she was so sorry. He also said nothing physical had happened.

He proposed months later and I agreed, as due to his ok behaviour and my shocking self-esteem believed our problems were over.

I feel that I have slowly shrunk my life: I agreed to buy a house in the town where he’s from and I know no-one. I didn’t do a post-grad because I’d committed to a mortgage. I stopped going out because it seemed like everyone said we should be saving money

He has been aggressive with me over Christmas this year and did once before, but not what I’d call violent.

My question is, what the hell do I do at 29? I have PCOS, my whole life is in his horrible town and all of my friends are settled. I miss life, in general. However, the thought of untangling my life terrifies me as I’ve been out of work for a few months and to be honest my credit history is shocking (I know this isn't great but I I've no way of solving this right now)

I don’t love him, but would you start again at 29? Has anyone found love despite fertility problems after 29? I want children and a full life with someone. I live in a small town where I don’t exactly have my pick of nice men.

Disclosure: there are a lot of things I could tell you about his financial habits and general attitude towards me that I simply haven’t covered in this post. I can answer, and apologies for drip feeding but this is a first post and need some genuine advice . Thanks!

I’d rather leave and rebuild my life from scratch, a life I truly wanted.

If you find a job where you are in the “shitty town” you’re tied to it and the area for another while.

Going back to your parents might be a good bet, you’d have a base but could apply for work in many different areas and move when you’ve found something.

Thanks all - legal advice definitely sounds like a good idea. I will make a start on this.

With regards to staying with my parents, it isn't really practical for a few reasons and I know I wouldn't be happy there. I suppose part of it as well is that I feel really daunted suddenly being alone and also without a job, it feels like I should have the job situation sorted for the financial freedom that affords. I've worked hard throughout my twenties on my career and my relationship and I'm not quite sure how I've ended up here and can't help being sad about it.

I feel really guilty about the whole situation in spite of everything, but your replies have helped enormously. It's very telling that no one has told me to stay.

Think about where you want to live (What areas) is where your parents live an area you see yourself living? If so then I'd move in with them just until you get a job and a few pay cheques then find a place to rent and move out on your own/house share!

I moved back in with my parents at 25 after splitting with my boyfriend - was a bit miserable at home for a few months - moved to a house share and had me someone new in less than a year!

Best of luck - I know how hard it must feel!

Google "FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)", there's a lot of psychological stuff like that that keeps us trapped in dysfunctional relationships.

In some ways tho, getting a job is a trap. Money coming in is good, yes, but while you're living where you are, you've got to contribute to bills etc and how much will you realistically be able to save to leave? It's also a tie to the area - so it's harder to make the leap out of the marriage/out of the marital home, because you'll have to find somewhere to live nearby or quit the job.

I'd really think about where you want to be in your ideal future, and apply for jobs wherever that is. To start with you could just get a bedsit or a house-share.

You have no dependants and you'll have a bit of money behind you if he buys you out/you sell up - this is a shiny beautiful wonderful opportunity to start anew.

That's interesting to think about. While I definitely want to leave this town, I have an idea of where I'd like to go and it is a commutable distance from here. I'll think about this carefully!

Googled FOG - some is really relevant, thank you.

I'm very grateful for the helpful advice and I've started opening up to a few friends today about how I'm feeling and they've been really supportive which is lovely.

Not having a job is a temporary situation that can be fixed. It sounds like you have previous experience so finding a job should be your priority. Are you likely to get any money back on whatever deposit you paid for the house/any equity to help matters?
I strongly agree with the advice to also think about where you want to be and plan around that. No need to stay in a town where you don’t have any friends.

All the best

You know that you won't still be with this man when you're 80. If it's not now then it'll be in a few years when there are children involved and it's even more difficult.

Let today be the start of the rest of your life.

Is the house joint? Is it mainly mortgage? Because I'd be tempted to apply for my dream job wherever I fancied living in your shoes and just go rent somewhere where the wgae/standard of living is good!

Regarding the house, it is jointly owned but I feel strongly that he'd buy me out and it would make sense to do so - his family, friends and job are all here. I have no idea how we go about dividing everything up but I suppose I'll have to find out!

The thought of renting somewhere of my own sounds perfect to me right now. I should have a little money whatever happens to the house which I guess I can hang on to for when I'm hopefully in a position to buy again.

All to think about. And to the poster who said I know I won't be with him when I'm 80, you're exactly right. I think I've known for a while what I should and will do, it's just so hard to know that you're making the right decision. I'm terrified of looking back in another ten years thinking I made a mistake, but I really don't think I will.

Please note, you have a pattern in your relationship with coming close to splitting / things being very bad and in response increasing your ties. Don't fall for him saying "let's have a baby". He's not the person to have a child with. Your new life has that guy in it.

Hello. It may not feel like it but 29 is so young! I left my husband at 36 while we were trying for a baby.

I met a wonderful man, now have a beautiful young son and get married again in a few months.

When I left my husband I literally had nothing, had let friendships wither due to the relationship and lived far from family. All my friends I still had had families. It was tough but it was the best thing I ever did.

Also, don't feel like people are settled at 29, they're not. They may be in current relationships but I am 10 years older and three of our closest couple friends have separated or divorced in the last 12 months!

It's never too late to leave an unhappy relationship!

@category12 I had never thought of it like that, but yes that's completely true. After the second time I found him cheating he actually told me 'I'm going to propose this year' :/

@welshladywhois40 thank you, I'm so pleased everything worked out for you.

Thanks everyone for the advice and support. I keep reading your replies back and it's like things have suddenly clicked into place for good. I got no sleep last night lying awake thinking about what to do next, but I accept it will be a matter of weeks rather than months before I go. I have literally no money and I need just a little behind me to feel confident leaving. Every time I have a wobble I will read these responses back - I really wasn't expecting so much helpful advice, thank you all

29 is a good age to start over.

Lots of people aren’t even married the first time by 29!

I don't know if this helps at all OP. I am going to be 34 this year, I left my exam in 2017 feeling very similar to the way you are describing. I also have 2 DC so I appreciate that the situation is a bit different.
My divorce was finalised in Dec and I am now living with a new partner and feel more ready to live the type of life I thought I would have with my exH now.
I'm clearer on what I can and cannot accept from a relationship and don't feel too old at all to be "starting again".
My new partner and I fully intend to get married, have at least one other child and it absolutely doesn't seem or feel late to be doing it. It's been a breath of fresh air.
I truly hope you find the same kind of peace with yourself whether it is as a single person or in a new relationship 💐 you certainly don't deserve what you have put up with

Hello all,

Sorry for the delayed update but I wanted to thank every single poster who took the time to advise me. I left very shortly after this post and while things don't feel great right now I took on every bit of your advice - I can't imagine anything worse than being so unhappy again.
I'm in the process of finding a flat in a new city and slowly clawing my life back. I genuinely don't think I would have done it were it not for your advice and I shall continue to read every one when I have a bit of a weak moment.
You're all amazing thank you

You did all of the hard work yourself - big achievement - congratulations.

Exiting times - what are your goals?

It’s important now to get back to that wonderful character of who you really are. Then look backto your upbringing to try to understand what caused you to have low self esteem and what you need to do to build that up.

Ahhh fab - this is great to hear! Glad you got away - and can move on with your life!! It must be such a relief!