always get spoken to like crap

[purplezebracaun]

I'm trying to work out what it is that I do to make every single man I've ever been out with my whole life talk to me like crap.

It starts out lovely - they can't do enough for me, but as the relationship progresses they seem to just sort of lose respect for me and treat me like a piece of crap.

Examples are:-
My very first long term relationship ( at 17) - he couldn't do enough for me, then decided that hanging out with a girl on his own every night was acceptable and i just had to deal with it. He spoke to me like crap until i walked away.

Second long term relationship - he again couldn't do enough for me - but towards the end just stopped returning my calls, spoke to me like crap, was caught with another woman.

Third long term relationship - used to bend over backwards for me, but towards the end was caught cheating and hit me on a few occasions and i walked out - he begged for me to come back but i walked away and didn't look back.

Fourth long term relationship - he knew about the previous guy, said it was disgusting how i was treated and he worshipped the ground i walked on. Again in the last year of our relationship he just stopped caring, put his mates first, went away without me, was found messaging another woman, used to go out drinking all night and didn't come home, used to criticise the way i cleaned the house, said i didn't do it properly, shouted at me if it wasn't to his standards and just acted like he hated me. I walked out - he begged for me to come back but i kept walking.

Current relationship - wonderful in the beginning, wasn't over the top with romantic gestures like the last lot but if i needed anything, he would help me. Generous in the money department unlike the last lot, and couldn't wait to see me/speak to me.
We live together but he only ever rings me if he needs something, rather than to just chat. Shouts at me if I've done something wrong that he thinks is just pure common sense - for example I have this really annoying habit of walking around things if i'm busy rather than picking them up/moving them out of the way - i'm not talking about rubbish but maybe the laundry basket, i will either step over it/walk around it and he will say ffs why can't you just move it out of the way?! if he's shown me how to do something and i get it wrong the next time i'm shouted at because he's frustrated - says i don't listen to him.
He will criticise my cooking if it's not "perfect" - the potatoes were hard the other day, they were fine for me but not cooked enough for him and he got really pissed off because he then had to get a sauce pan out, reboil them for 10 minutes and then everything had gone cold in the meantime so he was really pissed off about that.

If i'm busy and I've accidentally left the chips in the oven too long he will be pissed off about that.

Sometimes the way he shouts at me is as if he hates me - i would never speak to him or my worst enemy like it.

But now i am starting to think it must be me, this has happened in every single relationship I have ever been in so what is it that I am doing - why are they turning from lovely guys to complete arseholes?

It's not as if i don't stand up for myself either - last night when i was shouted at because apparently what i did was something he has repeatedly asked me not to do and i've done it yet again so he went nuclear, didn't call me names or anything like that but just shouted, so i shouted back and told him to go f*k himself, who the hell does he think he is to talk to me like that, don't ever speak to me like that again etc and we just end up shouting at each other - nothing gets resolved, we don't speak for a day or 2 then one of us says sorry - and then he will start on me again about something else that I've done wrong.

It's not as if i don't stand up for myself either

I'm not saying it's our fault (I was the same and have just made a resolution not to do it with any new guy) - we need to end it/block on the first sign of a tiny bit of it. If we don't do it then they carry on like it it's not fun and they probably often get worse.

We can do better than this, so the first sign of any having a go (whether it be criticism of our appearance. mocking us, whatever) we need to end it.

The trick is to dump them as soon as that behaviour starts, not let them treat you like that for a year.

It saves time too, letting you get on with looking for a decent one

About how long was each relationship you had in years/months?

When you look back, can you notice any similarities they all shared?

Cycle of attracting narcissists and similar...

A lot are lovely in the beginning, which is what we feel we need after being shat on by the last fella. And a lot of them are actually shits early on but that's what you have been used to so you accept it.
Theres a saying - we accept the 'love' we think we deserve.

Think you deserve better. The moment they start being shit, leave.

It isn't you. Its them. And a bad picker.

Read up on narcissists and how to spot them though, might help you avoid them in future.

Have you thought about some counselling to talk about self esteem and boundaries? I've been in your position and found that slowly the mask fell off and men treated me like a crap. Through a traumatic event, I realised I had poor/non existent boundaries which allowed me to end up in an increasingly weak position which I then didnt challenge so the line moved further. Before I knew I'd be working all hours, being financially and emotionally abused, and treated like shit but it wouldn't be like that in the beginning. I'd accepted little things as we went along. It wasnt just from men either. I'd allowed anyone I saw as in authority to do the same. Now I have stronger boundaries. I know when my feelings are hurt and how to articulate that. I also read a book called 'toxic people' which I found helpful.

What was your parents' relationship like?

@RantyAnty each relationship lasted between 5-7 years - my current one is the longest at 8 years.

the only thing i notice that has been consistent throughout is that i seem to do a lot for them, i do the cooking and cleaning and anything they need help with - one was money and helping them look for jobs, another was supporting them with their hobby, my current relationship is helping with his business - he works long hours so i try to help with the admin side of it such as sending emails/invoices and then i help hands on during the eveings and weekends and if i'm not helping him i'm at home making sure he has a hot meal when he comes home.

That's the only thing i can see consistent in all the relationships but is that not a normal thing to do maintain the home, cook the meals if the other person is out all hours working? I'm not saying he never does his fair share of the house work but as he is the one that works the longer hours i just get on with things and don't make a fuss.

@Geppili - awful, they are still together but it has just been constant rows - my dad also is self employed but my mum actually ran his business for him - he had nothing to do with the admin side or the money side of it - whereas i just help out now and again with the odd email or invoice i have nothign to do with the running of it but my mum actually ran it - he just did the work.

But hte minute she got throught hte door at night if a supplier had been on the phone chasing payments he would scream at her the minute she walked through the door.
He still does now, shouts at her, puts her down, screams at her, flies off the handle at the smallest of things.
I have no idea why she still stays with him but i always told myself i would never ever get into a relationship like that but i seem to keep choosing men that are exactly the same and i cant work out why!

The ironic part is all of my ex's have seen the relationship my parents have and were all horrified at how my dad treats my mum and yet they eventually slip into the same role....

There are a lot of crap men about. Well done for walking away consistently. Maybe have a think about whether you stayed too long, accepted too much, as a pp suggested. Also, I wouldn't mention to a new date how you've been badly treated in the past. That's one aspect of healthy boundaries: not oversharing early on.

If the pattern of doing things for them (cooking, cleaning, helping with the business) starts too early on in the relationship, then I'd say that could be a problem of boundaries, too. It gives the impression that your life is less important than theirs. Presumably you have a less busy life because you like it like that, not so that you can look around for a way to busy yourself holding up someone else's life? Aim to keep a balance: it's lovely to help people out when they need it, but notice how much your partner does for you and if it's fairly equal. If not, then the expectation is soon set that you are the support and that is your role.

I asked because I think our parents' model of being together and of them as individual role models can really impact our choice of partners.

@Geppili yeah i've often heard that women are attracted to men that are like their fathers - but after years of watching my poor mum spoken to in that way i vowed i would never let that happen to me.

So how on earth have i ended up finding people that do just that? What is it i'm doing subconsciously to allow that to happen because as i said, each time it happens i stick up for myself but it turns into a blazing row - it should never get to that point in the first place.

But the thing is, if someone doesn't respect you then arguing with them and 'standing up for yourself' doesn't mean squat. Its pointless.

If someone disrespectes you, you pull them up once (IF it's possible they didn't mean to). If they dont appoligise or if they continue the behaviour, you leave. No arguments, no discussions.

You're right, it should never become a blazing row. I can count the number of rows I've had with a partner on one hand. All of my partners. Only two were blazing rows...and that's because I was with an abusive partner and finally snapped. When I should have just left.

In future, the moment they start to become arseholes, get yourself out!

It's no mor complicated than being taken for granted is it? That's what's happening here. It happens and it sounds like you've walked away when it happens which is good. How to stop it happening? Stop being so pliable and amenable I guess and stick to it.

I'd imagine it has more to do with a culture of misogyny and mens own entitlement as the commonality OP, rather than it has to be your personality or something about you. The something is that ypure a woman and a lot of men are nice to women when they fancy them and less so when the shine wears off.

I would learn to call it off as soon as it crops up, and seek to understand if you're drawn to similar men who are love bombing at the start.

Freedom programme?

Agree with CharlotteCollinsneeLucas about oversharing early on - abusive men will hear you and think 'bingo' and try even harder to reel you in with the charm offensive.

You are being treated like an employee because you are acting like one. Why should you be facilitating his admin? You are doing too much & being taken for granted. Only you can change that.

The key here OP is you put yourself out too early and far too much.

Unfortunately, some people who are too nice can get taken advantage of by those that see those traits as a weakness, to be exploited.

I think you need to look at your self esteem.
Because the first time you noticed this is the time to say WTF....and not put up with it.

You have put up with it and allowed it to escalate.

You can't change other people only yourself.

We teach people how to treat us.
You admit you have taught them all exactly how much shit you WILL put up with.

Focus on yourself.
Focus on what you need to change in yourself.

Focus on exactly how you wish to be treated in a relationship.

Focus on the new deal breakers that you want to instil in yourself.

Focus on what these twatty men have in common and remember it so you can spot it.
Focus on that moment when things started to go wrong in how you were treated so you can be more alert.

Focus on the part of you that needs fixing because it takes this crap from men, and women?

The more you reflect on your part in this failed dynamic the more powerful you will become in your own life.

Work on yourself and the rest will follow.

Because you present as lesser than these men by cooking, cleaning and generally acting like their maid.

@Pinkbonbon
Absolutely correct.

When someone treats you like shit repeatedly, you don't get into constant discussion about it, you walk.
You don't stick around...why would anyone do that.
It really is beyond me.

Also overhearing, telling a man how badly you were treated before...like why?......its giving twats a heads up to just how much bullshit you will put up with.

Wishing you well OP.

Over sharing.

the only thing i notice that has been consistent throughout is that i seem to do a lot for them, i do

The having a go at you must've started at some point. and we need to end it at that point, or maybe give them one strike and they're out the next time?

I agree though that I'm a 'people pleaser'- give these ilk an inch and they'll take a mile. Don't do anything you're really not comfortable with or feel is more than you should be doing.

With me it was sexual stuff- he would go on and on going on about it, and I'd find it hard to say no.

What Richard Grannon says is that we have consented to multiple breaches of our consent all along the way- things we weren't happy with or that were excessive, we accepted, which we need to stop doing.

He says about doing stuff for people that you even have to say 'No' to yourself if you find yourself doing stuff that would never be expected of anyone really.

telling a man how badly you were treated before...like why?......its giving twats a heads up to just how much bullshit you will put up with.

@billy1966 I can see the advantage in telling new ones your ex was a shithead so you're never putting up with it again.

A friend is making me a picture frame which says 'Congratulations- you dumped a twat.' My theory is if I have this in my front room or something, it'll let them all know I'll dump them if they act like a twat.

I think you have worked it out yourself. You are putting yourself out for them over and above what an equal partnership requires. You’re the giver, they’re the takers and it leads to them disrespecting you.

I love fussing over people, I tend to somehow end up with guys with disabilities, so I can do it even more. The sisters make a good point though, that if we do it all the time they might think we're in their thrall/there to serve.

Freedom programme!