always get spoken to like crap

[purplezebracaun]

I'm trying to work out what it is that I do to make every single man I've ever been out with my whole life talk to me like crap.

It starts out lovely - they can't do enough for me, but as the relationship progresses they seem to just sort of lose respect for me and treat me like a piece of crap.

Examples are:-
My very first long term relationship ( at 17) - he couldn't do enough for me, then decided that hanging out with a girl on his own every night was acceptable and i just had to deal with it. He spoke to me like crap until i walked away.

Second long term relationship - he again couldn't do enough for me - but towards the end just stopped returning my calls, spoke to me like crap, was caught with another woman.

Third long term relationship - used to bend over backwards for me, but towards the end was caught cheating and hit me on a few occasions and i walked out - he begged for me to come back but i walked away and didn't look back.

Fourth long term relationship - he knew about the previous guy, said it was disgusting how i was treated and he worshipped the ground i walked on. Again in the last year of our relationship he just stopped caring, put his mates first, went away without me, was found messaging another woman, used to go out drinking all night and didn't come home, used to criticise the way i cleaned the house, said i didn't do it properly, shouted at me if it wasn't to his standards and just acted like he hated me. I walked out - he begged for me to come back but i kept walking.

Current relationship - wonderful in the beginning, wasn't over the top with romantic gestures like the last lot but if i needed anything, he would help me. Generous in the money department unlike the last lot, and couldn't wait to see me/speak to me.
We live together but he only ever rings me if he needs something, rather than to just chat. Shouts at me if I've done something wrong that he thinks is just pure common sense - for example I have this really annoying habit of walking around things if i'm busy rather than picking them up/moving them out of the way - i'm not talking about rubbish but maybe the laundry basket, i will either step over it/walk around it and he will say ffs why can't you just move it out of the way?! if he's shown me how to do something and i get it wrong the next time i'm shouted at because he's frustrated - says i don't listen to him.
He will criticise my cooking if it's not "perfect" - the potatoes were hard the other day, they were fine for me but not cooked enough for him and he got really pissed off because he then had to get a sauce pan out, reboil them for 10 minutes and then everything had gone cold in the meantime so he was really pissed off about that.

If i'm busy and I've accidentally left the chips in the oven too long he will be pissed off about that.

Sometimes the way he shouts at me is as if he hates me - i would never speak to him or my worst enemy like it.

But now i am starting to think it must be me, this has happened in every single relationship I have ever been in so what is it that I am doing - why are they turning from lovely guys to complete arseholes?

It's not as if i don't stand up for myself either - last night when i was shouted at because apparently what i did was something he has repeatedly asked me not to do and i've done it yet again so he went nuclear, didn't call me names or anything like that but just shouted, so i shouted back and told him to go f*k himself, who the hell does he think he is to talk to me like that, don't ever speak to me like that again etc and we just end up shouting at each other - nothing gets resolved, we don't speak for a day or 2 then one of us says sorry - and then he will start on me again about something else that I've done wrong.

@Peanutbuttermouth I second that.

How old are you OP? Have you been single much?

thanks for all your replies - what's freedom programme?

I'm early 40's - i haven't been single that much to be honest - but roughly a year in between relationships - i think the longest time i was single was around 3 years.

I'm not sure what you all mean about me over sharing - i never told my boyfriends at the time about what happened in my previous relationships until we were a year or 2 in, and that's only because they would ask why it ended and i'd tell them because they were twats and i refused to put up with their shit so i walked - relationship number 4 only knew about number 3 because he saw with his own eyes how i was treated - not because of stories i would tell.

Stop taking on the role of unpaid housekeeper
If my husband criticised me or was mean to me about the meal I cooked him then I wouldn't cook him anything else ever again. Don't take any shit and dump someone at the first transgression

I agree with the others - you're painting yourself into a subordinate role early in the relationships. You should be equals - you should be expecting your OH to pull his weight while you pull your own weight. Why do you need to pull his too? (Of course you should both help each other out sometimes - that's a relationship, but it shouldn't be in one direction.)

You say you cook and clean for them.. have any of your bfs ever regularly done that for you?

Do you get paid for helping with your DH's business? You're literally making your time and effort worth zero. So he takes it for granted.

You make your time out to be less important than theirs, and therefore you make yourself less important than them. So they start to see you that way, and to treat you less than them.

I also think you would benefit from attending the Freedom Programme. Don't do the online version to to the group course (it's free). Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You had abuse modelled to you as normal growing up, it makes sense that you'd be less able to spot warning signs of abusers and be targeted by them. It's difficult to have healthy relationships and avoid abusers if you don't have a model of what a healthy relationship is, just an idea that you want to avoid anyone who behaves like your dad at his worse.

Freedom Programme can teach you what healthy relationships look like and how to spot the dynamics of abuse (rather than just a tick list of behaviours or trying to compare to your dad) so you can protect yourself better.

Having that knowledge is one of the ways to break this cycle. Believing you deserve to be treated well is another. Neither come quickly but they're worth pursuing.

Doesn’t sound like you are compatible to say the very least. He wants someone he can dominate and you are not that person and should not be that person. The boiling potatoes bit, sorry but what a dick. My partner isn’t the most sensitive of blokes but after a long day of looking after a baby who hasn’t stopped crying or would want to be put down and me trying to do chores around the house and I’m absolutely knackered, if the potatoes I made were slightly hard but still edible he would eat them without complaint. I’ve never done it myself but hear a lot of poster recommend the freedom programme, you have to raise your standards and also your self respect. I too feel like I am in a similar cycle, always seem to pick men with shitty traits

The trick is to dump them as soon as that behaviour starts,

This ^ wot @mintjulia says

Perhaps one chance, explain what the problem is for you, let them apologise and then look out for them to never repeat. If they do repeat it, it's over

You are a prize, which they should value not disrespect. Don't just 'stick up for yourself'.

Actions speak louder than words.

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

Hi @purplezebracaun , how're you keeping? This is the frame a sister at the Freedom Programme made me. I'm very pleased with it.

I'm another one who'd recommend the Freedom Programme. It's great, and everyone there's really friendly.

If you'd like a custom frame with words of your choice of any kind, PM me and I'll give you her contact details.