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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Best friend jumped into new relationship head first straight after long term relationship break up and I'm worried about him.

30 replies

CelestialBodies · 18/02/2020 11:45

I'm friends with a couple in their 30s. They have been together for 12 years until January, when the guy (I'm a bit closer to him) broke it off. I thought they were perfect together. He says that he's gf emotionally abused him through control. She was shocked when she learned that. Apparently he would do anything to keep her happy and then had ago at her that he's done it. I remember her complaining about it at some point and that he never takes any initiative in the relationship so she feels like his mother. After the abuse bombshell the ex gf is distrought and guilt ridden. She still loves him.

In the meantime, three weeks after the breakup he started a new relationship with a new co-worker. Not just dating, proper boyfriend and girlfriend after just two dates! He still lives with his ex though and they had sex once! His ex is financially dependable on him. She basically went to uni full time to build up her career after helping him advance his for years.

About his new relationship: In his eyes the new girl is a perfect girlfriend sent by fate. After just one date they were talking about the future. She claims she comes from abusive relationship too so in his eyes she's a safe choice. She begs him to never leave her. He told me that she makes him happy so he wants to make her happy too. He admits that he still cares about his ex but the new gf wants the ex out of his life. From what he described that new woman whose much older than him subtly manipulates him and encourages him to get out of his financial agreement with his ex. She makes up some weird stories about the ex, like that she probably has a secret phone to interrupt their dates (when their common friend sent a text to his phone instead of the ex), that she's dangerous and will physically hurt him, that she's lying about being at uni, that kind of crazy stuff. I know the ex and she's not like this. But what's worry me is that the new gf asked my friend to not to ever compliment other women and not to be friendly to them. To top it off, they are not using any protection during sex and I'm worried that she'll be trying to trap him with a baby. I tried to gently suggest that the new gf sounds alarming and after just three weeks she's being controlling plus telling almost complete stranger that you'd do anything to be with him is a big, red flag in my opinion, but he's defensive and blind to it all. I'm worried that if I persist he will turn on me. Am I exaggerating? What would you advise to do?

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 18/02/2020 12:02

I would mind my own business.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 18/02/2020 12:06

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Original poster

CelestialBodies · 18/02/2020 13:50

Seriously? He's my best friend of 15 years. I'm worried about him. I'm wondering if this is just a weird rebound but he acts unhinged.

OP posts:

regretsivehad · 18/02/2020 14:01

What emotional abuse was there?
They sound like two very damaged people trauma bonding. Her ..desperate for any relationship that she can control and him desperate for someone/ anyone that will have him and ask very little of him.
Say your piece, set the seeds and back away. This has disaster written all over it .

regretsivehad · 18/02/2020 14:06

To add, I know of a close family member who accused wife of emotional
Abuse. The truth was that he was a lazy, useless, selfish man child who felt nagged every day because he didn't lift a finger and got sick of the nagging ,so trotted off into the sunset with a very damaged woman who was desperate to settle with anything resembling a functioning male.
We are totally on the side of his long suffering ex wife.

Damntheman · 18/02/2020 14:14

Doesn't have to be a rebound. You've got to remember that the person breaking off the relationship will have had MUCH longer to accept it's done and move on than the other partner.

That said, unprotected sex is massively irresponsible, and her behaviour towards the ex seems a bit unhinged. I'd be worried but honestly OP if he won't listen to you then you've got no choice but to step back and just try to be there for him if/when it all goes to shit.

PicsInRed · 18/02/2020 14:17

He cheated on her, obviously, left for the other woman then - to add insult to injury- spread it about that she was abusive.

Christ sake, don't worry about him, he's dandy. Worry about his victim ex.

LemonTT · 18/02/2020 14:21

What exactly is that you think you can do here and what do you expect to get out of it.

You have two friends with 2 different sets of problems. Added to which they are the source of each other’s problems.

Your female friend needs to sort out how she is going to live without his financial support. As a friend you need to focus her on the future and not past regrets. She can’t change what has happened. Her life has changed.

You male friend needs to give his ex some space and time to adjust. He should move out. That way he can respect his new girlfriends need for exclusivity and his ex’s need to not be confronted with this. This should be your advice to him. You can tell his new girlfriend is an awful nightmare if you want. But he is unlikely to listen to you on this or the better advice that he treats his ex properly.

MikeUniformMike · 18/02/2020 14:28

I would take the 'ex was abusive' with a pinch of salt.

Original poster

CelestialBodies · 18/02/2020 15:44

Thank you everyone. I guess I also wanted some confirmation that it is not a healthy situation. Yeah, I'm also starting to think that maybe this abusive ex is not all what it seems. Apparently she was controlling and he was walking on eggshells around her. She was responsible for everything in the relationship: money, bills, travel. She says she was tired of constantly being in charge of everything. He is such a nice guy but the way he acts right now is shocking.

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 18/02/2020 16:10

He needs your support OP, just be there for him. Must be hard to pull himself away from a dependent, abusive parasite like his ex.
The new gf sounds like a rebound

okiedokieme · 18/02/2020 17:45

It's fast but sometimes it just happens like that. My mum thinks 6 months is fast but I'm not listening to her!

ffswhatnext · 18/02/2020 17:55

The new woman is correct though. Why should he be financially responsible for his ex-girlfriend?

If he's finished with her then, of course, they need to part ways.
And presumably, he's an adult so he knows the risks of unprotected sex.

I know some females who are financially controlling because they have this mad idea that blokes are still little children.

The question should be asked how did she get full control of his money?

ffswhatnext · 18/02/2020 18:00

And after shagging the ex whilst seeing her, understandable that she would prefer no contact.
You telling me that you would be happy seeing someone who went back to shag their ex, and this friendship continues?

Gutterton · 18/02/2020 18:10

Are you the ex GF?

Original poster

CelestialBodies · 18/02/2020 19:02

They had joint bank account and money together from what I know. Until last year the ex worked full time and helped him advance his career: yearly secondments abroad, training etc. when she stayed behind and looked after their pets. I presumed she got control over money because they shared them. Last year apparently it was her turn so she went part-time and then he broke it off at the beginning of her last semester.

I don't think the new gf knows about the sex. it's all really messed up.

OP posts:

ffswhatnext · 18/02/2020 19:56

The only thing that's really messed up is that he is still expected to financially support her.
He could have done what most people do. Ended the relationship and moved straight out.

And wait so he wasn't around for a year at a time as he was overseas? Did she want to send him all the bills and shopping list to him to sort out?

Original poster

CelestialBodies · 18/02/2020 20:24

Tbh,I'm not here to discuss his old relationship that's ended. I don't understand why are you ffswhatnext so hang up on that?It starts to look rather personal. He is helping his ex as she was financially supporting him when he was at uni. It's between them.

I'm just worried that he's getting himself into another toxic relationship and I'm looking for an advise how to handle it, which tbf I got plenty by this point.

OP posts:

ffswhatnext · 18/02/2020 20:43

I'm not hung up on anything.
I'm just asking questions in response to what you are posting. You mentioned he felt controlled, that she was fed up paying the bills etc which makes sense for her to do so when he's not in the coutry.

I find it bizarre that he would continue to support his ex because she did the same. It's an odd financial arrangement when they aren't responsible for each other. Whilst still sharing a roof, of course, he still needs to contribute to the household bills and his food etc.

However, as a friend, I would be talking to him about this, as realistically, what are his chances of moving out if he is still fully supporting another adult? Whilst there is still this needless financial support, neither of them can fully move on.

Gutterton · 19/02/2020 08:52

Wow you seem to know an incredible amount of the minute and intimate details of this couples life - even down to a random shag - who tells you all of this him or her?

stellabelle · 19/02/2020 09:08

Back off and leave them to it. I suspect that there is more to all sides of the story, than you know.

BringbackLang · 19/02/2020 09:14

I'm sorry op that you are getting I'll thought out responses to your question.

From what you say It seems like your friend had his head turned by the new GF and dumped the ex as a result. He is being ridiculously stupid for having unprotected sex with the new GF and yes I think you are correct that she will try to get pregnant. Now I can understand the financial responsibility especially as the ex has supported him over the years.

I would try and talk to him about it - especially about the unprotected sex. (STD's, pregnancy).

I'd also talk to the ex to clue her up as to what is going on. She'll be hurt but it will enable her to move on.

He sounds quite immature and is acting out. I suspect that the novelty will wear off with the new GF and he'll want to get back with the ex but it will be too late by then.

Nowayorhighway · 19/02/2020 09:30

I suspect he was either already seeing the colleague before he broke it off or he wanted to see the colleague all along and that’s we he broke it off. Men usually end things because they have met someone else.

TatianaLarina · 19/02/2020 09:44

He sounds like a narcissistic manchild whose ex had to do everything for him. Then he fancied a co-worker and told the ex she was abusive to get out of the relationship without looking like a cheat. Ex supported him financially to help his career, a few months into returning the favour he pulls the plug. He’s also got you running after him believing every word he says.

In short he’s a toxic twat who should be left to his own hot mess. His ex sounds nice though so I’d keep in touch with her.

Gutterton · 19/02/2020 10:19

TatianaLarina is spot on.

He is also emotionally incontinent if he is giving you a minute by minute running commentary.

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