In love with someone else

[letsdothisoneanon]

What would you do if you are (or at least want to be) happily married with children and you develop strong feelings for someone that you've worked closely with and developed a strong friendship with for the best part of a decade? Unknown whether those feelings are reciprocated beyond friendship. How do you make them go away? Is it possible to maintain a friendship?

You have to choose, for our own sanity I think. And no friendship, that old halfway house, is not an option.

I think chemistry just happens. You have chemistry with your husband, and Lao chemistry with your colleague. You cannot have both. If you relationship with your colleague threatens your marriage surely choose to curtail the colleague?

I think the feelings have just slowly crept up over several years almost without realising

And it's difficult to curtail something that only exists in the head of one person. What would you say to colleague about sudden end of friendship?

You are effectively cheating on your husband. Knock it on the head.
You either stop it, or you run the risk of hurting at least one person and possibly you, your husband, your children, the OM, OM's partner...

Oooh gosh I don't know....

Maybe you are just fantasising about him.....and it will die away in time? Maybe you could pull backs bit and make it die away? I find most people have feet of clay anyway.

You have to be very honest with yourself. Examine your marriage. Have these feelings really come from nowhere or is there something missing in your relationship with your husband? If you want to stay marriage you have to take a step back from the colleague. It doesn't matter why he thinks your friendship is ending suddenly. Your husband comes first.

You are not happy in your marriage. I know exactly what you’re feeling!

I'm not unhappy. It's just a normal marriage with young children (6&7). It's not exciting or new and it shouldn't be. Together 15 year. Not mundane though either. Lots of affection and friendship and support.

Do you interact with the OM only at wrk?

work

Let’sdothisanon - watching with interest and would love advice and thoughts from others as in a similar position.

I’ve been with DH for 20 years and have 4 lovely kids. Our marriage is good and, I thought, stable - but over the past few months I’ve developed an almost overwhelming attraction to a male friend.

He’s not someone I work with but a couple me and DH see socially together - perhaps less dangerous in terms of having an affair but still feels messy. Neither of us would act on it but I’m aware the attraction isn’t one sided and it’s made me feel like I’m 14 with a crush again. I’ve missed the fluttery ‘new’ feelings but knowing I can’t do anything sure feels painful. Just want it to go away! Any thoughts on how to do this? I know it will eventually pass but quite want to speed up the process!

Not only at work but only with other work colleagues. Various celebrations, nights out, retirements and birthdays for colleagues. Sociable company.

Feelings have already lasted for around a year!

Watch The Split on bbc iPlayer. It all gets very messy.

I did indeed watch The Split which was a good reminder of how infidelity can totally screw up your whole life!

I don’t intend to screw up my life - the thought of cheating on DH makes me feel horrendous. I’m confident that I won’t be making that mistake....BUT, it’s bloody hard to feel this way. I haven’t felt like this since I met DH twenty years ago, so to have my head turned like this feels really quite disturbing and annoying.

Letsdothis - definitely watch the boozy nights out if possible. Had one recently and it felt dangerous, even though both our spouses were there with us.

Think back to any previous relationships you’ve ever had. They all start out feeling delightful, intense exciting.
No dealing with reality, tolerating each other when really you just want space.
You’re attracted to the outside image. The ‘just met’ image.
How many jobs have you been too where everyone initially seems so lovely and together, until you get to know them and suddenly the shine goes and you naturally decide who you like and those who you’re not so keen on.
Your husband has seen you at your worst. He’s been there. He’s still there.

Now imagine, acting on your unfactuation with this new man....and then the hurt on your husbands face when he finds out. You won’t be just losing a fancy man, you’ll be losing your friend, your partner. Very few people leave a husband or wife for someone else and come out well.
Is the other guy single? If he isn’t, it sort of shows he’s not respectful of marriage or commitment to act on his feelings with you. If he is single, he’s disrespecting you and your husband.
Now imagine a woman, making a play for your husband. How would you want him to respond. How would it make you feel.
If you’re tempted then look at your marriage first. If you’re unhappy either do something or leave your marriage first.

@gonnanamechangetoo awful isn't it! No intentions or desire to cheat. No idea where feelings have come from or why but can't turn them off and they are just getting worse! Can't sleep for thinking about it

If you have a good marriage don’t ruin it!

You know it has hit a danger point when you are posting about it online. If this isn't ended post haste, the next step is likely to be a slow rewriting of marital history, things that aren't really an issue with your husband will start to become an issue, your husband will begin failing to measure up to the fantasy man, all the while your husband and marriage has not changed a bit, just your own distorted perception of it, and he'll be totally clueless as to what is wrong.

One thing that may help end it is to imagine the conversation with your husband and children where you explain to him your feelings about the fantasy man. Replay that conversation over and over when you feel the butterflies

@ozzie totally agree have been trying that tactic. Would hate to hurt anyone. Been telling myself it's all built up in my head and not necessarily how it will be. I know it's just the newness and excitement and that is stupid and unsustainable and I still still still feel the same. It is driving me crazy. He is married too with children.

OP try to find something (or several things) about them that irritates/ slightly disgusts/ annoys you, and focus on that. If there is nothing obvious then imagine they have some hang up that would really annoy you, when you find yourself fantasising about how great it could be with them (which is all imaginary and exciting) try to switch your head over to thinking about that annoying thing instead and use it to squash the excitement of the unknown

Ozzie - you’re totally right. No intentions to act upon it but the screwed up thing is that I can say in all honesty that our marriage is really good. The way I feel has knocked me for six.

I am relieved that I am at least not alone in feeling like this. Feel like a horrible person even though I haven't done anything wrong

Or is this an emotional affair?

Some great advice here everyone, thanks. Trying!

Letsdothis - I do sometimes wonder if it’s tied in with a midlife thing? I’m early 40s. Really hate feeling like this...