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Original poster

Emotional Affair

33 replies

NorthernFloral · 17/02/2020 23:09

Hi, this could be long so i'll gush the thanks now as i'm really struggling and very much need some advice please....
I'm a month into finding out that my husband of 10 years/partner of 18 years and father of out two children had an emotional affair with someone at work. It was brief maybe a month and platonic but the sexual chemistry was there and i'm not sure if he'd have gone through with the next step or not.
Turns out he'd been deeply unhappy with us for a long time and not really addressed it. Sure, we rowed a bit about the usual trivial day to day stuff but there was never, ever a serious chat about him not feeling positive in our relationship. This is what is stopping him from being the begging, sorry husband one might expect when their spouse feels so completely betrayed.
There seems to be little fight for me although he says he wants us to start over and try to build a happy future together.
We're seeing a counsellor but its very early days and he gets annoyed that I keep bringing up the other woman and not concentrating on looking forward.
I don't know how to process all this. I think it's three things:
Him denying me the knowledge of how he felt with us for so long.
The emotional affair
And the lack of compassion toward me when i'm hurting.

I'm so confused.
I can't imagine tearing my family up over a platonic affair that he swears was a fantasy with someone he swears he wouldn't seek out if we ended but I'm left with knowing that he's a man who could do this to me.
I feel so heartbroken and angry

OP posts:
Qwerty543 · 17/02/2020 23:13

He has no right to get angry that you won't just forget about it and move on. I think my exH had an EA, I never got the story and only know they were messaging that was inappropriate enough for him to delete them before I saw them. I never did forget about it though and it just niggled away.

Tell him firmly he has broken your trust and you need to take time to process this and see if you can forgive and move on. And YOU will decide if and when you are ready to look to the future, not him.

Original poster
NorthernFloral · 17/02/2020 23:20

Thanks Qwerty
Valentine's was appallingly timed this year as Id kind of expected ALL the flowers. I appreciate it sounds childish.
He knows me well enough to know what little thoughtful touches mean to me and instead he came right out and said he wasn't getting anything for me as it felt weird but we'd have a nice meal together after the kids were in bed.
Actually he'd bought me that 5 love languages book and brought it out at dinner to do the quiz. He then called me a liar when i was answering. It's mind boggling figuring out that he can keep being this insensitive after what I discovered. There have been plenty other occasions in the past month when he's been rubbish with his words

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 17/02/2020 23:21

Is the counsellor aware that he gets annoyed if you bring up the OW?

Original poster
NorthernFloral · 17/02/2020 23:24

Yes User148
So far though we've only had session each and one together so the next will giver her more to go on

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthernFloral · 17/02/2020 23:24

He thinks I'm blocking our progress moving forward by talking about the past

OP posts:
Fantasiaa · 17/02/2020 23:31

I don’t think he wants to fix your marriage.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/02/2020 23:33

Ah. Otherwise known as "OMG stop going on, I said I was sorry, what more do you want?"

When he called you a liar about the quiz, was it in a jokey way, or does he genuinely seem that clueless about what makes you tick? After 18 years together, I would find that, in many ways, more of a serious concern than an affair.

Original poster
NorthernFloral · 17/02/2020 23:36

Fantasiaa that's what it feels like but he organised the counselling and is adamant he's not leaving and wants us to work.
He just can't seem to find any compassion amongst the practical, tick list sort of stuff

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthernFloral · 17/02/2020 23:38

EvenMore
It was in jest but it felt very disrespectful still, especially after the bolloxed Valentine's attempt
He did say a week or two after i found out that he wasn't playing the begging game

OP posts:
florababy84 · 17/02/2020 23:45

Northern, what do you think it would take from him to get you to stop dwelling on the other woman?

Maybe you can identify what he's not doing to help him see how much he's hurt you. For example maybe you won't ever be okay until he's described in detail the ways that it was wrong, or shown you full text message history or something like that.

If you feel there's nothing he could ever do that would help you move past it then maybe it's broken beyond repair and counselling won't help.

Original poster
NorthernFloral · 17/02/2020 23:57

Do you know what Flora, he hasn't told me the extent of his unhappiness I don't think.
He said he's had the worst year of his life last year then back tracked and said the most unhappy times. He said he doesn't want to talk about it now because it will make me sad
Sex was always an issue and i think we both left that one unaddressed for too long
I saw the chat history which was flirty but not horrid towards my character etc not that that's in any way excusing it but I definitely don't think he hates me

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 18/02/2020 02:30

Well he's completely wrong. You have to deal with the past first, and be allowed to ask any questions you want etc. to get them out of the way, then you can focus on moving forward if that's what you decide you want to do.

Who suggested going to counselling?

MrsWhisker · 18/02/2020 05:07

It's not nice for him to be reminded of the ow.

It makes him uncomfortable.

Tough.

He did this to you, to your marriage and to your children. He has caused great distress and broken your trust.

He needs to recognise that you are going to bring her up whether he likes it or not. Instead of acting all self righteous about you talking about her.

This is all raw and so painful for you.

Google Chump Lady for some insights.

WanderingLost167 · 18/02/2020 09:51

He feels like you pushed him towards this, that the EA is a symptom of a relationship that isn't working for him.

Affairs happen for a reason

Original poster
NorthernFloral · 18/02/2020 09:58

Wandering I get that, I totally do but not addressing it for so long then doing this...? Its so completely selfish, of course it is.
I find it annoying when people are so close to call it a midlife crisis when actually it's total lack of respect and selfishness and he was a coward.
It's such a hard place to be trying to process the EA and also the realisation he'd been so unhappy. I feel like he's already had time to process that in his mind and we're coming from this in completely different headspaces. It's so confusing

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthernFloral · 18/02/2020 10:00

User he wanted to do the marriage counselling after i found out

OP posts:
Qwerty543 · 18/02/2020 10:56

He wouldn't be interested in the counselling if you hadn't found out. It's just for show and so he can say he tried to fix it but you wouldn't move on. Shitty behaviour from him all round.

Plus not playing the begging game??!! If he was genuine about saving it after his fuck up, he would be on his knees begging your forgiveness.

user1479305498 · 18/02/2020 11:13

100% have been in the same position , except I found out much longer afterwards than you did and it’s simply become an ‘unmentionable’ or the agitation is palpable. They can’t stand being reminded that they were an utter shit. Personally I Think it would have helped me if he had brought it up occasionally off his own back or asked how I was feeling about it. Everyone’s different I know.

dontgobaconmyheart · 18/02/2020 11:17

He just sounds like a dick to be honest OP, why bother?

He's obviously annoyed at you because you won't do exactly what HE wants and cruelly tries to bully or manipulate you everytime you don't give any responses that fit in with how HE wants this to go Hmm. He's controlling the narrative, theres no evidence that he actually cares about you or your feelings at all, and that includes the affair he chose to have.

Counselling is presumably yet more control- suggest counselling so you can't say he wasn't being trite, bully you when you go and dont follow this narrative he wants. Christ. Counselling is surely exactly the right place to discuss the hugely relationship impacting affair he had, you've only had a couple of sessions.

Just no, OP- he wants to make himself look good so you have no argument. He's done wrong and his behaviour is appalling. Hardly love is it.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 18/02/2020 11:37

Honestly? He just sounds like a manipulative and nasty person. At the moment at least.

He's not making any real effort to change things let alone fix things.

I couldn't get past him being so selfish since you found out, it's almost worse than his original bad behaviour.

Do you want to be with a nob like this for the rest of your life? Someone you have to ask to be kind to you?

Sorry OP I don't know how I could summon the energy to try with someone as exhaustingly negative as him.

MrsWhisker · 18/02/2020 12:49

@Wanderinglost, affairs happen because people can't keep their dick in the pants or their knickers on.

If a relationship isn't working, it's a scumbag that has an affair rather than addressing the issues within the marriage.

No way is this affair the op's fault.

It's her shit of a husband's fault.

If he was unhappy, he should have discussed it or left. Not had an affair.

Please don't defend dishonest slugs and try to put blame for affairs on the wrong people.

Original poster
NorthernFloral · 18/02/2020 14:17

User have you remained together? Any advice on how to do this for the short term at least?

OP posts:
Filly2011 · 18/02/2020 14:48

Hello
So sorry for what you are going through. It’s just happened to me too.
The ‘don’t bring up the OW if you want to save the marriage’ and ‘I have been so unhappy but I never told you about it’ seem to be common things men say in these circumstances.
My dh threatens nervous breakdown if I mention OW.

user1479305498 · 18/02/2020 15:23

Will pm you OP

MrsWhisker · 18/02/2020 15:49

Your dh/op should be groveling forgiveness and willing to do anything you want to start repairing your relationship.

Not making demands about who you can and cannot mention.

You need to stand up for yourselves. Stop taking their crap.

Don't be scared they'll leave. They most likely won't. They've already shown themselves to be sniveling, deceitful cowards.