Emotional Affair

[NorthernFloral]

Hi, this could be long so i'll gush the thanks now as i'm really struggling and very much need some advice please....
I'm a month into finding out that my husband of 10 years/partner of 18 years and father of out two children had an emotional affair with someone at work. It was brief maybe a month and platonic but the sexual chemistry was there and i'm not sure if he'd have gone through with the next step or not.
Turns out he'd been deeply unhappy with us for a long time and not really addressed it. Sure, we rowed a bit about the usual trivial day to day stuff but there was never, ever a serious chat about him not feeling positive in our relationship. This is what is stopping him from being the begging, sorry husband one might expect when their spouse feels so completely betrayed.
There seems to be little fight for me although he says he wants us to start over and try to build a happy future together.
We're seeing a counsellor but its very early days and he gets annoyed that I keep bringing up the other woman and not concentrating on looking forward.
I don't know how to process all this. I think it's three things:
Him denying me the knowledge of how he felt with us for so long.
The emotional affair
And the lack of compassion toward me when i'm hurting.

I'm so confused.
I can't imagine tearing my family up over a platonic affair that he swears was a fantasy with someone he swears he wouldn't seek out if we ended but I'm left with knowing that he's a man who could do this to me.
I feel so heartbroken and angry

So he had an EA, doing the I was unhappy routine. Insisting he isn't leaving and has organised counselling but expects you to not talk about the issue that has led to the counselling. He doesn't sound like someone who cares deeply for you or is truly trying to make amends. Do you have any opinion at all? Or are you happy that your DH is dictating how you are expected to move on from his EA? You seem extremely passive

How did you find out and what exactly did you see as evidence? I would wonder if there is a lot more to this than 'emotional' affair and you just haven't seen the proof of a full blown physical affair. How he is acting now is not about him trying to save the marriage so I think it is important to recognise that, even if he won't agree with you. I'm sorry, because there's not much you can do if one person isn't trying. He might still come to his senses and want to genuinely save the marriage, but until then, all you can do in my personal opinion is look after your own mental health and self esteem, speak to friends, socialise outside the marriage with your friends, keep yourself strong.

I was in your place nearly a year ago. Been together 20 years, we had drifted apart abit, but i thought we were solid.

Found out about his EA with a mutual friend that he always fancied. Huge row when i found out and he dropped the bomb shell that he doesnt love me and only as a friend. Absolutely destroyed me.

Nearly a year later we are still together. It has not been easy at all. He was vile to me in the months after, he was not sorry he had been caught and would only say that they were just friends and it would never had gone anywhere, but he changed her name on his phone, say his name is John Smith, he changed her name to Mrs Smith on his phone and sent her kiss emojis and called her beautiful.

I made him stop all contact with her and he was really resistant to this. Deleted her off facebook, we had a huge row as he didnt want to but did in the end.

So, a year later, he has actually apologised to me, thinks it was depression and has now come out of the other side.

Things will never go back to how they were, i have sorted out my finances, reconnect with friends and go out more. I think in hindsight he was never going to leave, i asked him to on 3 separate occasions and he wouldnt go.

I still think about it daily and feel sad and angry in equal measures. Will we make it another 20 years? I dont know. Will I ever totally forgive him? No.

But one thing, he will never do it to me again, one whiff of anything and he is out of the door, if i can survive what he put me through i can survive anything.

Huge row when i found out and he dropped the bomb shell that he doesnt love me and only as a friend. Absolutely destroyed me. Nearly a year later we are still together. It has not been easy at all. He was vile to me in the months after, he was not sorry he had been caught

Why in god's name are you still with this piece of shit? Surely being alone is better than being with someone who treats you like this?

He sounds like he doesn't 'get it' at all OP, what he has actually done and the effect it has had on you. He needs to wake up and see that before there is any hope of you ever moving forward from this, because if he doesn't then you will never feel safe with him. He has wrecked your trust and you have very reason to feel the way you do. Trying to rush you to 'get over it' is the worst thing he could possibly do, because that is just showing you he doesn't take responsibility for his actions, is not listening to you, and does not understand why you feel the way you do. How are you supposed to move forward in those circumstances??? I'm so sorry this has happened. Get him to watch this video, it might actually make him wake up a bit:

ScarlettBlaize That's was my thoughts too. I could never stay with someone who treated me so badly

Snap- is there a script they follow??!!
I’m coming up to 7 months since it happened. We are repairing- it’s not been easy at all! In fact the thing that’s made him sit up and take notice of the mess he’s made is when I snapped and filled for divorce! He just never thought I’d do it - I have, he’s living at his Mums house and have I given him 3 months to sort his head out.
I advise having solo counselling sessions during this period, after which you can assess where you are and what you want. But it’s so much easier this way then living in the same house. It just didn’t feel right.

My husband and counsellor got angry/frustrated about me being upset about something DH had done in the past too. But it only came out in counselling.

I found it more beneficial to have counselling on my own (with someone else.)