Would this be a deal breaker re sex

[lemmeavabru]

Read the thread re small penis.

So been married 20 plus years and sex is absolutley shit. Has had ED dysfunction right from the get go, I think he has small penis, he has BO, bad breath and basically I'm not attracted to him.

so as per advice we've been doing things in the bedroom to improve things, me stimulating him, on top, fingers and a bit of fantasy on my part to make it work. He tries with the BO and bad breath but it still lingers and puts me off. We have a few dcs too. But after 20 years I feel I can't go on like this. There's also general disrespect towards me and coercive control which also made me rethink our whole relationship. It's so dysfunctional that I feel ashamed I let it get this far.

So I started talking to people about the coercive control and threatened to leave him. Things have started to change on that front. But I feel it's only because I've become cold towards him so he knows to tow the line.

But noone knows the real reason why I've become cold in the marriage. And if they do they kind of ignore it or fob me off. Generally they say 'oh that's rubbish isn't it?' or 'Have you tried being a bit more adventurous in bed?' or 'At least you're in a relationship. Think of all those single people.' 'Wow, you're so brave to prolong a relationship like that. God will reward you.' They also feel sorry for him. 'Oh that must be so hard on him. He must be really embarassed. He's got a heart condition. He shouldn't be stressed.' When I approach DH about it hr dismisses it. Says that I'm acting like 20 something year old. That I want it too much because I've lost weight. Says that doing it too often affects his heart. But he's happy to instigate it but then expects me to finish things off. Or if I'm not interested keep touching me to try turning me on or dry hump with a limp dick. I've become so numb that I don't even question it too often. I also think I'm a bit afraid to because he sulks if I say no. He won't go to the drs for ED becuase 'there's nothing wrong with me'.

I feel broken inside. Not only have I missed out on a satisfying sex life but also a romantic loving one. I feel broken inside. But I hate that I feel this way. I try to be grateful for all the good things but I still feel sad. But mostly I feel angry that noone cares about how I feel. When I was younger I used to think, like some posters on other threads that sex is not the most important thing, that women can be satisfied in other ways, but my experience is that generally it won't be enough in the long run. I find myself looking enviously at other loving couples and feel a deep emptiness.

I'm currently trying to find self love and putting all.sexual thoughts at bay. But the more I try not to think about it the more I do and it's affecting my mental health.

This thread is for anyone struggling with anything similar, because quite frankly, noone wants to know irl

Everything else aside....bad breath and BO? That he cant fully get rid of ???

That would be a deal breaker for most. Who wants sex with someone who stinks? Answer : no one.

Your marriage sounds miserable....I'm so sorry for you....theres so many on here in the same boat though. Can you leave him? Is that an option ?

And DO NOT put sexual feelings at bay !
Why should you?? You're missing out and that's not fair. X

You only have one life. There ain’t no reruns. Do you want to stay with this man? If not start planning financially for your escape. You can do it if you want to. You have choices.

Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side. Sometimes it’s not. Seems to be that he’s a dick who probably thinks his BO is ‘manly’ or some such bollocks to make up for his lack of manliness in the trouser department. Sigh. If it was me I’d chuck him back in the pool and cast my net further. Remembering that I may not catch anything at all and be single. But for me that’s fine. I’d rather be myself than have some rancid minger dry humping my leg with a soft sausage.

Nothing attractive about your dh it seems so why don't you leave?

Thank you for the support.
I think the reason why I don't leave because I'll probably end up alone and regret my decision not, not exactly that I'll miss him but be financially vulnerable amd alone. My DM is single and she keeps harpering on about being the importance of being in a couple etc.
And also it's embarassing explaining to people the real.reason. Most people are sympathetic but don't really see it as an option to leave.

You don't have to tell anyone the reason. I split with exH and said we just grew apart, which is true but there is more to it. People don't tend to dig deeper.

I'd leave. That's no relationship. I didn't think sex was that important when I was in a sexless marriage. Now I have a new DP, I can see what a sexually fulfulling relationship is like.

Even being alone would be better than what you're putting up with.

Feck me, anyone, downwind from this stinker will guess the reason. You don't need permission from anyone else to leave this hideous man. Nor do you need to give any explanation.

He sounds horrible, and like ED and BO are the least of the problems.

It can't possibly be worse being alone than being alone while in a relationship!

You can't make someone else change, you can only change your own circumstances.

From what you have said here this isn't actually about the ed that's just one thing in a long list of bad things that all seem to come from him just not caring about you or the relationship enough to take any responsibility for his side of things, he isn't looking after himself, he isn't being nice to you, he isn't willing to look at his ed issues, he is belligerent with anything you bring up. He just doesn't seem to care.

Why are you putting so much effort into a man and a relationship that he doesn't care about? Why are you not putting yourself first?

You deserve better.

Oh and fuck what everyone else is saying they don't have to live your life only you do so you put yourself first and if they don't like it then tough luck.
You don't need to tell anyone anything you don't want to, you just say it wasn't working anymore and you couldn't do it anymore.

Other people don't get to decide whether your reasons for leaving are justified or not. Just don't discuss it with them, or tell them you grew apart if you must say something. I couldn't be around someone with body odour and bad breath, let alone be intimate with them.

I was brought up as a Catholic...
I won't go into that.
I broke free at the age of 50, long story and now realise sex is actually fantastic and something to be shared between two people and enjoyed.
It'll take it a while probably but give yourself what you deserve and have not had.

Being alone isn't the worst thing in the world. I'd far rather stay single than be in a relationship where my partner didnt respect me and I wasnt attracted to him. Besides if you did leave him you dont have to be single for the rest of your life

The 'advice' from your DM is outrageous OP - it's very different circumstances for you, as you're clearly not happy - so, what advice would you give one of your kids if they came to you with this scenario? Not the same as your DM I hope!
If you were able to talk to him about his 'coercive behaviour' and you can tell people irl about your sex life, then you really should talk to your DH frankly about his ED, tell him you don't care if he thinks it's normal, it's effecting your intimate relationship, it's effecting you and if he won't seek medical advice then you'll consider couples therapy (where you can then be actually listened to).

@27Redglitter me too. Sex was a revelation to me eventually. I'm not promisuous by any means. In fact I'm very fussy. I've only slept with two men in 11 years. They weren't long relationships either.

Being single is nowhere near as bad as being in a relationship like this. In fact, lots of us single women are really happy to be single. You aren't living your mum's life, you need to live yours. Sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship, but it's the glue that holds it together and distinguishes it from friendship.

There is no law that says you have to tell anyone, including your mum, why you split up if that's what you decide. You don't have to lie but you can be evasive with the old "no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors" comments.

You really don't have to force yourself to have sex with this man. It sounds awful for you. He might not be able to help the ED, but he can help refusing to address it with the GP. He can also discuss the BO with a GP and his halitosis with the dentist. That he doesn't, shows such a lack of respect for you.

Why not have a look at the Happy Singles thread here and see how you feel after reading about women who have come out the other side and chosen to remain single for the time being?

Oh my gosh, please stop having sex with him! Just say you don't enjoy it.

I'm not sure that bad sex is necessarily enough reason to break up a marriage. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't, it depends. But you certainly shouldn't feel in anyway obliged to have sex if you don't want to!

You don’t need to explain your sex life to anyone. Just say you had your problems, you both tried one last time but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be etc.

Personally this would be a dealbreaker as you say he isn’t a great partner in other respects. It would be different if he was a caring, kind, loving husband but it doesn’t sound like he is. He isn’t even clean.

Yes, all those are dealbreakers. It sounds as though he is unwilling to work as a team. So if it were me, I'd move on to better experiences.

Oh dear, OP. Just reading your post made me want to be celibate for life!

You’ve given him 20 years, don’t give him any more. He sounds repellant and I wouldn’t want him near me. It chills me to think of you trying your hardest to enjoy sex with him when he doesn’t deserve your attention.

Leave him, stay single if you want, or don’t. Have sex with whomever takes your fancy, or don’t. Just don’t waste another moment of your precious only life on such a loser.

Women are conditioned to pit up with so much shit, don’t be another unhappy wife.

At this point, his lack of action is him telling us that he believes his wants are more important than yours. And I don’t mean him refusing to have to have sex, that’s fine. It’s him refusing to sort his consistent BO/bad breath. It’s him initiating sex but then wanting you to finish him off, fuck your needs right? He isn’t considerate of you. He isn’t working as a team to save your marriage is he?

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm actually in tears thinking about it all. I do desperatly want to leave but there are so many other factors to consider that I just don't have the energy and drive to get going.

There's the finances and his health to think about. I know I've sacrificed a lot in the marriage for so little in return and that's what's bothering me.

We are not intimate anymore. I used to feel guilty about that but I don't anymore. We're playing happy families on the outside and there's the expectation from wider family also.

I just feel so lost.

20 years is a long time to put up with it but you could still have the life you deserve!
I was with first dh for 15 years, he was a sweet man but after a couple of years made no effort, wasn't particularly hygienic and our sex life was non existent.
We split and with 2 dc I felt gutted that I'd given him my 'best years'
I was wrong!! I've been with my 2nd dh for 10 years now and have had a decade of the best sex ever, with someone who always makes the effort to smell and look amazing.
Yes, much of our relationship is very average, sending texts asking for milk and have you paid the window cleaner (all the usual drudgery of life!) but when we are on our own it's like we've only just met. I can't believe I put up with the life I used to have.
We only get one shot, many of my friends were shocked when I left my first dh but I knew I didn't want my life to be like that for another 15+ years.

That sounds amazing @velocitygirl7.

Unfortunatly I don't think the same could happen to me. Have few kids, 1 with SN.

I think I need to get used to the idea of being single, but it'll be hard where I live. Might have to move away.

I also have kids, they're older now but at the time they were young and while not sen both had fairly complex things going on health wise for many years. I would never describe the early years of dating dh as easy but hung around despite me not being the easiest of options!
I didn't leave my ex to be with anyone, like you, I just didn't think that was the life I deserved anymore.
How old are you op?

OP I think if he is doing everything he can but has a medical condition that currently makes the breath and BO bad that's different to him always being this way but you were happy to get children out of him then and only now you're getting on are rethinking it.

We all deserve happiness.

Have you any hope of things improving with counselling?

If not I think it maybe good just doe you because this isn't a life worth living and it sounds like a lot has gone on unaddressed for years.