Read the thread re small penis.
So been married 20 plus years and sex is absolutley shit. Has had ED dysfunction right from the get go, I think he has small penis, he has BO, bad breath and basically I'm not attracted to him.
so as per advice we've been doing things in the bedroom to improve things, me stimulating him, on top, fingers and a bit of fantasy on my part to make it work. He tries with the BO and bad breath but it still lingers and puts me off. We have a few dcs too. But after 20 years I feel I can't go on like this. There's also general disrespect towards me and coercive control which also made me rethink our whole relationship. It's so dysfunctional that I feel ashamed I let it get this far.
So I started talking to people about the coercive control and threatened to leave him. Things have started to change on that front. But I feel it's only because I've become cold towards him so he knows to tow the line.
But noone knows the real reason why I've become cold in the marriage. And if they do they kind of ignore it or fob me off. Generally they say 'oh that's rubbish isn't it?' or 'Have you tried being a bit more adventurous in bed?' or 'At least you're in a relationship. Think of all those single people.' 'Wow, you're so brave to prolong a relationship like that. God will reward you.' They also feel sorry for him. 'Oh that must be so hard on him. He must be really embarassed. He's got a heart condition. He shouldn't be stressed.' When I approach DH about it hr dismisses it. Says that I'm acting like 20 something year old. That I want it too much because I've lost weight. Says that doing it too often affects his heart. But he's happy to instigate it but then expects me to finish things off. Or if I'm not interested keep touching me to try turning me on or dry hump with a limp dick. I've become so numb that I don't even question it too often. I also think I'm a bit afraid to because he sulks if I say no. He won't go to the drs for ED becuase 'there's nothing wrong with me'.
I feel broken inside. Not only have I missed out on a satisfying sex life but also a romantic loving one. I feel broken inside. But I hate that I feel this way. I try to be grateful for all the good things but I still feel sad. But mostly I feel angry that noone cares about how I feel. When I was younger I used to think, like some posters on other threads that sex is not the most important thing, that women can be satisfied in other ways, but my experience is that generally it won't be enough in the long run. I find myself looking enviously at other loving couples and feel a deep emptiness.
I'm currently trying to find self love and putting all.sexual thoughts at bay. But the more I try not to think about it the more I do and it's affecting my mental health.
This thread is for anyone struggling with anything similar, because quite frankly, noone wants to know irl