My Girlfriend says she no longer sees a future with me after bad few months

[Quango1]

I didn't know where else to go for advice so, here goes:

On the 11th January of this year, me and my girlfriend were on my laptop when a Tinder notification came up in the corner of the screen. I had looked at previous messages between me and my girlfriend the week before when we'd first started talking because I felt I needed reassurance that everything was going to be ok in our relationship as we'd been going through a rough patch.

My girlfriend saw the notification and thought I'd been looking at other girls. I made it worse by the fact that I lied first and said I hadn't been on it.

A bit of background about myself; I have OCD so checking and reassuring myself is practically second nature.

However, a day after the incident, I went overboard and began obsessing that she was going to finish me and bombarded her with texts and calls - even my mother called her - which I didn't know about -because she'd seen me upset - which made things worse. I have a history of depression which my mother referenced which of course sent my girlfriend into a panic - her ex told her he would kill himself if she broke up with him.

My girlfriend said she felt trapped and some of the things I did reminded her of her ex such as checking our messages, her messages and feeling left out - he emotionally abused her by making her feel guilty for seeing her friends and not wanting to see him all the time. That really hurt me because I told her she'd never have to go through that ever again. But, I checked for my own obsessional mind; I felt I HAD to check or I would lose her...ironic right?

Anyway, she told me she needed space and I tried to oblige. We met up a few days later, but she said things seemed weird and not right. I apologised profusely and told her how I felt about her.

We kept saying we would work on it; we went out on a few dates and when we were out, everything felt like it was us again - even she said the same.

But, she says she now doesn't feel that we can have a future together. She also has had a history of anxiety and now admits she's depressed (was this my fault? - she says it isn't but I haven't exactly helped). We talked about her going to see a university counsellor this week in an attempt to become happy within herself again.

She still says she loves me and cares about me, but that the situation at the time reminded her too much of what went on with her ex - that I made her feel trapped - and her guard immediately came back up. She used to trust me implicitly and now I don't think she can. And, whenever we see each other and sit in her bedroom all night, we literally just go over everything again, look back at all our brilliant memories and just cry.

Whenever I see her she hugs me tightly and kisses me all the time, but over text she seems so cold. She keeps saying she needs space to figure everything out, but I'm scared that we'll lose touch. She keeps dropping subtle hints that we won't be together anymore with things such as "when you move on". I don't want to move on, I love her with all my heart.

My girlfriend also repeatedly says that I cannot do anything and that this is something she needs to work on by herself - she also gets very stressed with uni work. All I've done is try and reassure her that I'm always here for her if she needs me - I went after work tonight just to talk things through again because she had had a really bad day.

I'm really stuck over what to do; I couldn't bear the thought of losing her as she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I think she fears that things would never be the same. Can anyone help?

OK op, definitely keep ruminating about this, that's the right thing to do, you're right, you're meant to be together, she's just confused, etc. etc.

In the nicest possible way:
you're 24.
relationships aren't meant to feel like this.
the fact you're both this 'confused' etc. is really just a clear clear sign that you should both leave it.

I was in a relationship like this, when I was about your age. My ex was a lot like you, I was a lot like your gf. Anyway we got married, it was a total disaster, we are now divorced, and it is as clear as the nose on my face that we would have both been so much happier if we had walked away at the time.

The thing is, you say you love her. My dear, only a v v inexperienced and naive person thinks that feelings of love are a sign that a relationship is good and ought to continue. Love is cheap. Anyone can love anyone, espeically when they are 24. You think this lady is the centre of the universe, but she isn't. She's not even that keen on you, she can't even decide what she wants to do with you. That's not how it's meant to be. It really isn't.

When you're with the right person, there will be no hand wringing and push-pull nonsense.

If you have any sense or self respect, you'll break it off with her and get as much distance as possible. Work on your mental health. You are clearly very vulnerable right now and in 100% no state to date anyone, much less someone who can't decide if she wants you.

And ffs don't tell your mum about your relationship problems. She sounds completely unequipped to make good decisions herself.

if she didn't want to stay, why hasn't she gone

Again if you had maturity you'd know the answer to this.

She's enjoying the ego boost of how upset you are. This is common in people of her age. She will keep stringing you and herself along because it's thrilling to have drama like this in one's life.

Everything you’ve ever learned about love and relationships from film, tv, novels, music, etc is wrong
It’s really not supposed to be hard. It’s true that sometimes you have to work at a relationship but that’s a very different thing from a relationship that is hard work.
All this angst and tears and despair are signs that you’re not with the right people.

And the best advice I have for finding the right person is to be yourself and by yourself for a while. The best partners can stand on their own two feet, neither expecting to lean on their partner, nor needing to be leaned on.

This doesn’t make for a catchy song or cathartic romantic tragedy but it’s what cynical old biddies like us know.

It’s hard now, but it’s time to wish her well and let her go.

Want to and need to are two different things. Whilst she shouldn't be messing you around you seem to believe she has all the answers and is going to be perfect. You aren't and nor is she.

She may well love you and not want to leave but she has made it clear she knows she needs to. I really dont mean to be ageist but there is an element of life lessons that teaches you to walk away from toxic. At my age I have the experience to cut the cord and do it, I wouldn't have had that strength in my twenties. Mainly because now I know how much harder it is if you bugger around and vascillate.

You are searching for reasons and looking for validation. You wont get it, more likely you'll get a long drawn out painful breakup that may even look like making up sometimes, but ultimately it's not likely to work.

Only you can decided whether to cut the cord and get on with things or let yourself go through it all. Disclaimer : at your age I wouldn't have taken any of this advice either and I went through it and it was painful and awful and that's why I can say this to you now.

We don't all wear a big sign that says "I'm a man". I only mention on threads where it would be considered absolutely relevant to what's being discussed and never "Man here...." postulating. For example, a woman talking about online dating and why it might not be working for them - perfectly reasonable for a man to say "for me, I find profiles that have filters of butterflies round your head" or some such. I don't ever go on a thread about, say, cheeky fucker parking, and saying "as a man...." because it's not relevant

I posted about an issue with my menstrual cycle once and someone legit replied 'as a man I don't have periods but....(long irrelevant mansplainy advice followed)'

If that 5% consists of lying to her, smothering her, bombarding her incessantly with messages, wanting constant reassurance, having your Mum hassle her because you're unhappy, thinking you know her own mind better than she does - that's why 95% isn't enough.

Red yes, well, that's just being an arse.

Mind you, I'm not always a man. I once declared myself a woolly mammoth to show what a nonsense self-identification is and at the threat to women's safe spaces. Apparently some want MN to be one as well.

Safe space, not a woolly mammoth.

Back to main thread - OP, you need to grow up a lot. You're coming across more like 14 than 24 going through first love. Whatever you have or had with this girl is not healthy for you. Let it go, get some hobbies and enjoy what life has to offer. As and when someone else comes along, calm down and don't behave like this again if you want it to go anywhere.

if she didn't want to stay, why hasn't she gone

Codependency?

Okay, clearly I was wrong in overestimating how representative my view was, sorry about that.
To respond to a couple of comments - it’s not a designated democracy, no, but posters themselves are what is used to make the site profitable and so, just generally, some listening and collaboration is wise. I’m not issuing directives here, but I think it makes sense to value my voice (alongside thousands of others) insofar as it contributes to forming a picture of who will stick around to be targeted by advertising and where the line is for the average poster. I do believe that the very well-hidden USP of the site lies in the fact that it’s majority female - and I think this is why men like it too. It wouldn’t be half as popular if it were mixed, Reddit and Quora etc. already have that market cornered. While we just have ‘token men’ here and there, where the sexual dynamics are still determined by a ratio heavily weighted in favour of women, while the few men do show some deference in recognition of the fact that their presence changes things (‘I hope it’s ok to post’), that USP stays largely intact. So while I was perhaps wrong to speak of a ‘strong majority’ (although I still don’t feel I’m making things up here - I have come across others saying similar and it’s true that particularly on the Relationships board there’s a marked hostility towards men and double standard, not entirely undeserved IMO, which is telling of a deeper resentment likely linked to the simple fact that men do post), I think that people who didn’t like my post are still imagining a situation in which men are relatively unobstrusive (as now), and I think the MN business model would lose some appeal if users were to become 50:50 male:female. In which case I think MNHQ certainly would want us to speak up before voting with our feet! The site would lose something which makes up the main reason why many posters (male and female) come here.

And focusing on my previous reasoning, and the reasons for why women like it here - do you not think it’s natural for people with similar experiences in life to value a space in which they don’t have to watch what they say, where they can presume that some knowledge, gained due to that singular life experience, is shared? I can guarantee that MN would not be that space if it were an evenly mixed platform. I’m not coming from a ‘misandrist’ POV here, although I do think that the toxic behaviours which influence male-female dynamics are insidious and slip in much more easily than we think (and I think a place where we have men freely telling women to fuck off is quite different to a place where women tell each other to fuck off).

I wish I'd never bothered with the amount of hate being spilled across my post by some posters towards each other

It's always like this on Mumsnet, unfortunately. You are best off getting advice from someone who knows you and her well.

I don't know if you read this board, but ninety-nine times out of one hundred, the advice is to throw the whole relationship away and get counselling.

Op mumsnet isn’t really the best place for advice, I could signpost you to different sites that do help with various ‘agony aunt/uncle’ posters but I’m not sure I’m allowed. Op it’s your life, if you want to be with her & she’s initiating 3 hour phone calls, then enjoy it, but bear in mind she said she needs space so don’t initiate anything for a while. I understand the situation from both sides, I have been with people who have made me feel trapped & it’s not a pleasant situation to be in. I also had OCD centred around people, which once I recognised what it was disappeared, but I know how strong the compulsive element of it is, kinda like a smoker needing nicotine, the need for assurance can be like an addiction, but you can break it & you can take it’s power away. I was able to do it through awareness but there are plenty of professionals that can help.

I’m not coming from a ‘misandrist’ POV here

Yeah you are. I am not sure how you can begin to estimate the number of men on this site. It's an anonymous forum - how do you know the sex of each poster?

Anyway, this is a total derailment.

I'm saying that though because if she didn't want to stay, why hasn't she gone? I've told her that if she can't be happy with me anymore then go, I'd never judge her or anything, but she chooses to stick around and message me saying she loves me. To me, that isn't someone that wants to leave you.

Op, only based o what you've posted, I think your girlfriend is enjoying the drama. She's enjoying the boost to her ego of you trying to win her back. Whether she genuinely doesnt want to continue the relationship but or.nit I don't know but this current situation isn't fair on you and will only cause you more pain.

If you were my son I would be advising you to speak to her for one final time. End the relationship and tell her that you don't want her to contact you any more and that she's not to keep contacting you for long chats, advice, support, telling you she loves you or anything else.

Honestly, you can make the decision to end this relationship, you don't have to wait for her to decide. It will hurt and you will be sad but that really is part of life and part of growing. Speak to people around you and maybe consider seeing your go to get counselling. I know you can't see it now but you will.find someone who truly makes you happy and then you'll realise how toxic this relationship is, for both of you.

Velour,

As you correctly say, it is about advertising, and advertising is about spend. MN want middle class parents at the peak of their spending curve; this is what will power the advertising spend. They don’t care whether they are male or female.

The female:male ratio of this site is unlikely to change until society changes to make more stay at home fathers (some of the most prolific posters are SAHM), so I doubt MN is worried that males will come to dominate or that the flavour of the site will change.

I suspect that most of the MN guidance and who they encourage or discourage is based on cold blooded analysis of advertising spend, not what they think is ‘right’. It is a business at the end of the day.

I don't know if you read this board, but ninety-nine times out of one hundred, the advice is to throw the whole relationship away and get counselling.
I haven't checked the statistics :) but by the time people come on here asking what to do, they are often in a pretty dire state. In this case, the woman involved has already said that she thinks they have no future. OP has been advised that this means they probably have no future. @TheBlueStocking, what would you suggest in that situation?

I've had counselling in a similar situation and it was a huge help, so would suggest it to anyone struggling. Getting counselling is not something shameful or only reserved for people with serious psychiatric conditions.

I used to think that the ‘LTB’ comments were hasty and wrong. However 99/100 times, the OP goes on to reveal that the relationship is completely toxic one way or another.

There are exceptions but I think that most who post here actually are looking for the confidence to leave a relationship, not how to stay in one.

it would be so much more respectful if men who post here would recognise that they’re taking away from the value of the place for female posters

What the actual fuck!!!

How dare PPs say they men are not welcome here. How fucking dare they!!

Who died and made them in charge!!

As a MNetter of over 15 years it's one of the only good things that has changed here. More inclusive.

If my eldest son had a problem, and couldn't talk to me, I love the thought he could come here for sane advice.

I loath how nasty this forum is now, all those brave keyboard warriors they wouldn't say boo to a goose in real life.

I can't believe how angry I am. How dare they "scare" people who need help away.

How fucking dare they!

I'm a member of an online forum that's mostly male, because of the profession. The recent death of a celebrity has "triggered" a lot of men, and reading their stories of DV has made my blood run cold. They differ in terrible silence, big tall strong men being abused by their wives.

Where the fuck do they go to for help!!! You know what? Most of them don't!

I hope none of the PPs have sons.

As regards the OP, you need to step away. No matter how much your heart is breaking. It isn't good for either of you.

OP, you sound very exhausting and would make me feel suffocated. She is not responsible for your wellbeing. You need to sort yourself out and not expect a partner to prop you up.

@ravenmum

You can see my advice to the OP above.

And it's perfectly obvious that this thread has not been beneficial to OP.

@TheBlueStocking That advice seems the same as what everyone else has said; that OP should probably let it go?
Who knows how beneficial any thread is here. The first time I came on here, asking for support, I didn't hear anything pleasant, didn't thank anyone for their great advice, and didn't LTB in real time (such a popular type of thread!), but in the long run (after months) it was useful in practical terms and, I suppose, led to me ending my marriage faster than I would have done otherwise. That was beneficial to me in many ways. Advice often seeps in slowly. Who knows whether OP might think this advice was helpful in 5 years' time.

Man here @Rosetta19 and proud to be on MN

Ffs!

OP - having suffered (as a man too) through a similar sounding relationship as yours, at around your age, I can honestly say that it’s not going to get better.

Your GF is clinging on for her own validation. Not knocking her for that as it’s partly down to age and lack of experience, as are your responses to her mixed messages.

For your own sanity, PLEASE call it a day now. You will not “win” this one. It doesn’t have a happy ending for you.

She doesn’t want a relationship (with you) anymore, but she doesn’t want to let it go until she’s met the next guy. The way I see this going is you’ll limp along for a few months where she alternately blows hot and cold. You’ll get the three hour calls and the kisses occasionally, but there’ll be no more intimacy. Then she’ll meet someone and you’ll be dropped, or possibly shoved into a fake friend zone so she has you on backup.

End things with your “GF” and get counselling for yourself before you start dating again.

Sorry OP I know it's horrid to go through but sometimes, love isn't enough.

Sometimes too much has happened for it to be fixable and a relationship is unhealthy and toxic even when two people do love each other. It isn't enough.

You need to think about the fact that the relationship potentially ending has sent you into such a spiral and into her even speaking about feeling suicidal.

That is a huge indicator that the relationship is incredibly unhealthy. That is not a healthy reaction to a break up.

I've been suicidal over break ups, or at least I thought I was, but in fact the break up was the straw that broke the camels back and actually all the issues that meant I couldn't deal with the reality of something that happens to almost everyone (breaking up when you don't want to) were the issues I really needed to deal with to be healthy.

And it isn't possible to get healthy while in the relationship that is exacerbating issues, reminding her of past trauma etc.

If you love her, let her go.

Stop contact - you continuing to be in touch and affectionate and saying you love each other etc is not helping either if you.

Can you see that it isn't the relationship ending that is making both of you have such a mental health crisis, it's the lead up to the split and the trauma of the behaviour in the relationship itself that has caused that crisis?

@ravenmum

It's precisely the point that those of us with years and divorces behind us are not necessarily in the position to understand any longer the immediacy of heartbreak in your early twenties. All this OP has got is the blunt advice to leave immediately. And when he tries to examine the details, told again that the details are irrelevant and he needs to leave immediately.

Life just isn't that simple, especially in the burgeoning years of your first relationships.