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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It’s all gone shitty

48 replies

recall · 17/02/2020 19:32

It’s just all gone mad ! So I’ve come here ...to tell someone. I’ll try and keep it brief....

On 24.01.20, husband assaulted my best friend. I’ve given my statement ( witness ) and agreed to testify against him in court. Two days after he hurt her, I told him that the marriage is over and that I no longer love him. He agreed to leave.

4 weeks later, he is still here. The case is ongoing. He only found out last Wednesday that that she is pressing charges. I had asked if the police could warn me, and keep me updated so that I could be forwarded, I was told by the lady who took my statement that she would inform the officer in charge of the case of my situation, and she would be in touch to put safeguards in place, and also the witness care team would be in touch. Well I’ve heard nothing, and the only way I knew that he’d found out, was him shutting a door in my face Sad

He said on Friday he’d be gone next week, but today has gone back on that, and has put an offer in a house, so it will be more like 8-10 weeks.

It’s all just shitty Sad

OP posts:
Windinmyhair · 17/02/2020 19:35

You need to call the police and tell them what happened and get some support. He needs to get out. If he can afford to put an offer in on a house, he can afford to live somewhere else whilst it happens.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I'm glad you have found the strength to testify against him

Original poster
recall · 17/02/2020 19:40

I spent all day on Friday trying to contact the police, and eventually resorted to going to the station. They said that they were unable to inform me of anything due to confidentiality. They said they would again inform the officer in charge of the case. Someone contacted me on Saturday, and said the officer in charge will contact me today, but I’ve heard nothing.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 17/02/2020 19:41

He's got some brass knock hasnt he?! Do you feel at risk physically at all?

What is the situation with your current home? Is it rented under a joint tenancy?

As pp said, if be can afford to buy somewhere else then he can afford to stay elsewhere until the purchase goes through. I'm not even sure I'd believe him when he says he is purchasing somewhere else though.

I think I'd be giving it "why are you still here? Go stay somewhere else until the sale goes through. Keep your damn word. I don't want you anywhere near me'. Dont tiptoe around the fecker. If you give him an inch he'll take a mile.

If he wont shift, can you? Not that you should have to of course

Pinkbonbon · 17/02/2020 19:42

*brass neck

Original poster
recall · 17/02/2020 19:44

I’ve asked him to go, but he said not until he buys a house. He is a coercive controller, so reasoning with him is virtually impossible.

A lady from Splitz called and began a risk assessment, but unfortunately he cane home so we had to postpone the call. I did call back but it went to voicemail.

OP posts:
Qwerty543 · 17/02/2020 19:45

Is he not on the mortgage for your house then?

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 17/02/2020 19:45

God how awful, well done you for standing by your friend Flowers

Has he ever been violent to you?

Elliesmommy · 17/02/2020 19:47

Are you worried he might do the same to you ? Can you stay somewhere until he leaves? Are there children involved?

Really feel for you OP. Really tough situation

Pinkbonbon · 17/02/2020 19:49

Thought so. Yeah, he isn't buying a house dear, it's bs.

Leave yourself. It's probably the only way you'll escape him. Unless he finds another woman to abuse.

Is there anywhere else you can go?

Original poster
recall · 17/02/2020 20:01

Yeah we rent ....joint tenancy. I have made it very clear that I want him out right away, we have a history of domestic violence, and enough is enough now. I feel slightly at risk physically, he has hurt me before, I am being very passive and trying hard not to confront him

I desperately want to stay here, I’ve lived here for 10 years, and children have been brought up here. If I leave ....I doubt I’ll ever get it back.

OP posts:
Qwerty543 · 17/02/2020 20:04

How on earth have the police thought it is ok to leave you living with the abusive husband that you are going to be a witness in a case against him??

Original poster
recall · 17/02/2020 20:05

I was present when he put the offer in for the house ....

I asked him just to rent for now, and buy at his leisure, but he has decided to buy.

He has punched and kicked me before, and also thrown a gun stand at me.

Actually, he has a fucking shotgun, I was amazed that the police left that here. I told them on the night they came out, and also in the station on Friday.

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 17/02/2020 20:09

There's a gun in the house? I am gobsmacked that the police know this and have done nothing.

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/02/2020 20:12

Surely he’s breached the terms of his gun licence by committing violence hasn’t he?

Papiermachecat · 17/02/2020 20:14

Uk or USA
Guns are legal in USA.

If it's UK though - ring 999?

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 17/02/2020 20:16

I would take the gun to the police station - tell them you’re scared and that he’s been violent before. No way would I have a gun lying around the place. Or hide it.

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/02/2020 20:16

It’s UK. She’s talking about police stations and SPLITZ.

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/02/2020 20:17

You’ll need the gun licensing Sargent for your county. Ring them.

Original poster
recall · 17/02/2020 20:21

Yes I’m in the UK . I can’t take his gun, he has a license, and is therefore not supposed to tell me where the key to the cabinet is.

The police are aware he has a shotgun .... the night he assaulted my friend and called 999, I informed them, and also when I went to the police station on Friday I reiterated that, and also told them that his mood has dramatically changed since Wednesday when he became aware that the police wanted him in to interview him.

( He has appointed a solicitor, and is due at some stage to go in to be interviewed. I only found this out by asking him .....the police will not give me any information )

OP posts:
Original poster
recall · 17/02/2020 20:22

I’ve told them ...twice

OP posts:
Original poster
recall · 17/02/2020 20:27

I’m not purposefully being being defeatist here,
I have a key worker because I developed an alcohol addiction, and I was with him on Friday. We both spent about 3 hours attempting to sort this out. It was he who eventually advised me to go into the station and ask. He has informed MASH, and it was he who who suggested I contact Splitz. He threw all his resources at the situation, and even got his manager to come in and try and help.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 17/02/2020 20:29

If your local police won’t seize the gun I’d escalate it to your Chief Constable. This is serious!

Original poster
recall · 17/02/2020 20:30

Do I call 101 to get hold of The Chief Constable ?

OP posts:
Original poster
recall · 17/02/2020 20:33

I don’t really think he will do anything that stupid, but at the same time, I didn’t think he would hurt me and assault my friend . That’s the point.

I’d have thought they would seize it as a precaution, and then if he is found not guilty give it back.

I’m pissed off that this officer never materialised to put her safeguards in place.

OP posts:
Original poster
recall · 17/02/2020 20:35

Today during the risk assessment by Splitz, she was just telling me that there is a court order that can be issued by the family courts, to decide who leaves the family home. Hopefully we will be able to resume tomorrow, and I will find out more.

OP posts:
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