It’s all gone shitty

[recall]

It’s just all gone mad ! So I’ve come here ...to tell someone. I’ll try and keep it brief....

On 24.01.20, husband assaulted my best friend. I’ve given my statement ( witness ) and agreed to testify against him in court. Two days after he hurt her, I told him that the marriage is over and that I no longer love him. He agreed to leave.

4 weeks later, he is still here. The case is ongoing. He only found out last Wednesday that that she is pressing charges. I had asked if the police could warn me, and keep me updated so that I could be forwarded, I was told by the lady who took my statement that she would inform the officer in charge of the case of my situation, and she would be in touch to put safeguards in place, and also the witness care team would be in touch. Well I’ve heard nothing, and the only way I knew that he’d found out, was him shutting a door in my face

He said on Friday he’d be gone next week, but today has gone back on that, and has put an offer in a house, so it will be more like 8-10 weeks.

It’s all just shitty

Look up the landline number for your county constabulary headquarters. You won’t get to speak to the CC him/herself but you do stand a chance of speaking to someone senior.

If you google government guidelines for the granting of a firearms licence there is a section there that states that investigations should be made to ascertain whether there’s a history of DV. This is obviously a big red flag so the same will apply for a licence holder who then goes on to commit DV. Good luck. Did you mention the firearm to SPLITZ?

Akexambidextra yes, I informed Splitz.

Unfortunately, I didn’t report the domestic violence . However, I disclosed to a councillor that he may have hurt my 9 year old daughter, and then she was obligated to inform MASH. They took no further action, but it has been logged. The domestic has been logged retrospectively on the night of the assault during the police’s risk assessment.

• domestic violence has been logged

( when he applied and was granted his firearms license, there was no documented history of DV. )

This case that I am a witness to, is not really classed as DV because I wasn’t assaulted, it was a third party .... so I believe it is being classed as common assault.

He threatened to “acid” her, spat in her face and pushed her to the ground. C**t

I think getting yourself (and your kids?) away from an abuser has to be more important than a house. I know living with these people can warp your feelings and stuff but you have to know deep down that the most important thing you can do is to get away from him, even if it means leaving the house. Home is where you make it and you can make a new home somewhere else, somewhere safe.

I can’t .... not like this, as it is here. I love it, it’s the place I always dreamed of. It’s all I have left. I’ve lost my dad, my job, almost my sanity, I’ve had a cancer scare, I’ve overcome an alcohol addiction.... it’s been a very nasty 3 years. If I lost my beloved home I’d feel stripped bare. The house is detached , on a country estate, with lovely supportive neighbours. There is a huge apple orchard as our front garden. There is a bull called Roger in the next field who is like a family pet. We have buried family pets here .... our roots are here. I will not compromise my children’s safety, and if I thought there was an immediate risk, I would take them to my mums. The thought of loosing here is fucking dreadful. I’m digging my heels in .... perhaps stupidly, I admit that.

But you rent right? Sorry to be harsh but - It isn't your house and at any point the owners could say 'shift out' anyway...

You are already compromising your childrens safety-they are witnessing emotional and perhaps physical abuse. They will grow up thinking this is acceptable and may then go on to marry abusers themself.

Also, didn't you mention up thread that he may have hurt your nine year old already?

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a tough time of things.

But...you need to pull your head out of your arse. For your kids sake. Enough is enough.

They'll thank you when they are older for getting you away from there.

*them

This is crazy OP. My friends husband lost his shotgun licence because he was arrested for standing up to a man threatening his son and received a caution. The fact there has been previous DV should set all the alarm bells ringing!! Please keep pushing. You are not safe x

Also, I gotta say...bit ironic that you are pissed off at ppl for not safeguarding you and your kids...when YOU are not safeguarding you and your kids. That's YOUR job!

A bull in the next field?!
You hear how nonsensical it is to stay a place with a physically and emotionally abusive man, putting your kids at risk every day because there's a bull you like in the next field right? Come on!

I know the real reason is that you know how hard it will be and how much effort it will take and that there will be more loss - and that scares you right? And it's ok to feel that way. But it's not an excuse to stay. Not when you have children. You have responsibility to them, to keep them safe and all that other stuff...is nothing in comparison.

They are not safe, they are not protected. A best they will grow up thinking it is normal for men to behave like him and women to hang about and tolerate it. At worst, he will hurt them.

Please go, just go.

Or you know what will happen? Your kids will grow up and they will ask you why you didn't take the steps to keep them safe? Why you couldn't leave? And what are you going to say to them? Because some dead pets and a bull meant more to me than you.

Does that sound like something you want to say someday?

If it’s a joint tenancy then when one moves out the tenancy can end.
He’s being deliberately difficult and you are not safe.
Why does the moron own a gun?

pinkbonbon yes I know how ludicrous the bull thing sounds. I think what I was trying to convey is that we have become so established here, and in my head “happy” .... but clearly we are far from happy. I’ve dragged the marriage on for 3 years, believing I was doing so in order to maintain a secure and happy home environment for my children. My friends and family have consistently told me this is a mistake. I have actually done the opposite. I’ve been married for 28 years, 25 of which were harmonious. It’s been the last 3 years since my dad died that my husband has become increasingly abusive. It seems so fucking unfair that we should be uprooted like this because my husband is just being a c**t, but you are right. I will try and speak to the lady from Splitz again tomorrow and follow her advice. My husband did mention the possibility of him living temporarily with my brother in law who has recently split from his wife, and now lives in a roomy house alone. If this doesn’t materialise I will have to go. I’m fucking gutted. Actually, I may be able to stay there, we always got on brilliantly, I’m sure he would accommodate us temporarily while I sort things out.

It doesn't sound ludicrous. At the moment the home you live in and all its attributes, including Roger, are important for your sense of stability and your mental health. It doesn't matter that your house is rented, it is your home.

I'd be back at the police and repeating it. Get it in writing and ask them what they are going to do about it.

Escalate it if necessary

Tell them you know where he keeps the key! If keeping that from you was a condition of the license and he's told you, then he's already breached it.

Staying with your sisters ex? Eh...yeah probably not a wise move lol. ...into the frying pan. What about staying with your sister instead?

Hopefully they will get back to you with some good advice.

Pinkbonbon you take a very derisive attitude towards me and my plight.

My brother in law is my husband’s sister’s ex. We have always got along brilliantly, and have recently been supporting each other during our difficult times. I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

I really do appreciate your advice and support, but it seems you find me incapable and of low intellect. Im trying to navigate through this hell as best I can, and have leaned on Mumsnet several times over the years, as I have offered support where I can to other members. I know you you mean well, but please don’t belittle me at this time.

It seems very odd that the police have left a gun in the house. Anyway, it sounds to me like you have grounds for a non-molestation order and possibly an occupation order, but you only need a non-molestation order in fact because if granted that would require him to leave your house and keep a certain distance away from you and your home. Ring the National Centre for Domestic Violence and they will explain what’s involved and may well refer you to a law firm to help you prepare the papers (free of charge). You can get one even if you are planning to allow access to your DC and contact in relation to the DC (which you might not given the violence you have reported). However, if you are planning to allow access, the terms of the order can be adjusted to allow for that.

It would probably take a few days to get the papers in order and get to court.

Alternatively, you could go directly to your local court (if you’re not sure which that is, you could do a search on line - there is a court finder facility which identifies the court based on postcode) and make the application there and then - you would have to fill in the forms including setting out the nature of the DV and the most recent events and why you are scared now.

In my experience, the application may be more likely to succeed if you take a few days to draft the papers and set the case out but on the other hand in this case your husband is facing charges for assaulting a friend and has been violent to you in the past and there is a gun in the house so the situation doesn’t require much explaining. You would make the initial application without notice to your H so the first he would know about it would be when it was served on him - that should not be done by you and you and the DC should be out of his way when it’s done. If you do follow this route, I suggest letting the police know and they would hopefully agree to serve the order on your H and escort him from the property. There would then be a further hearing at which your H can argue against the order remaining in place. Through a scheme at work, I’ve been involved in about 20 applications - the H often does try to argue against the order and is usually unsuccessful. Before that hearing, the court staff can put protections in place so you are kept away from your H in court ie separate waiting rooms, a screen so you don’t have to face him in the court room etc.

You mention you are struggling with alcoholism - this is the kind of scar living with an abusive partner causes so you really need to get you and your DC away from him.

Have you since reported all the dv against you and your dd? I really think this is important

I will not compromise my children’s safety, and if I thought there was an immediate risk, I would take them to my mums.

But you are, if you and your children are living with a violent man, they and you are at risk

If things are desperate, reporting him to social services for abuse for attacking your friend, previous abuse to you and hurting your 9 year old. Social services have removed partners/fathers for less so they should remove him as hes a danger to the children, even more so if he has a gun. I wouldn't worry about them removing the children from you, as you are not a danger, but they very likely will remove him as hrs a danger and has shown a history of violent behaviour.

@recall

Some 15 years ago, my mother, then small brother and I had to ran away from our family home because of the man who sadly happens to be my biological father. Run for our lives. From a house we didn't rent, but own. It was a family house, and as much as it was filled with his abuse, it was, as in your case, the only thing we had in our lives. Despite of abuse, there was a sense of it being a home, our place, a safe place. We buried beloved pets there, climbed and fell off the apple trees and had countless hours of fun swimming in a small pool in the yard.

But let me tell you something. The moment we managed to leave, I felt nothing but relief and my mother was the same. I never looked backed and I never missed it. I haven't seen the place in 15 years and I probably never will again. That doesn't mean I forgot those nice memories I had or the pet I dug the grave with my own two hands for while the soul was frozen. It only means I acknowledged that my sense of safety there was nothing but a false sense of safety, something we all convinced ourselves of, a habit. It prevented my mother from leaving from years because it's so damn hard to let go of a what you feel close to.

It is worth it. You will build new life filled with new memories and they will be way better than anything you had in that house. In the end, it's nothing but four walls that aren't even your property and that's what you have to keep telling yourself. Your first and foremost priority is the safety of your child and it has already been comprised. You live there with an unstable man with a gun, a man who already threatened the child in the most vile way. Gather any last bit of strength there is and leave right away. Don't use excuses for staying because of habit and fear of uncertain and unfamiliar. What you're feeling is a very typical human feeling because we are programmed to crave safety and well-known things, but you can't be a slave to it, you have to break that cycle and start a new path. The police and the system has frankly failed you - my mother and I have been there too - and it's you have to take things into your own hands now. This is not a situation where you have time for thinking and slow legal actions. Leaving is the best thing you can do for physical and mental wellbeing of both yourself and your daughter.

Call the police on101 and discuss the situation. They can be really helpful in circumstances like these.

I understand you do not want to leave and fair enough. Rodger will be great for your children however ludicrous is sounds to a pp
A home and what you have made it does matter it's your kids stabilty and we can't always run. Nor should have too.
He maybe cause more issues if you move on who knows.
Ask him to leave but can someone be around or close by as the convo is brought up?!
Ask your mum to stay for awhile?
you have a neighbours phone number?
they know there's issues? You could ask if it could be a safe place for you to run too.
A car key hidden, bag of spare clothes in the car. Pin lock your phone so he can't search thru it.
If he starts to go off do not stick around or call the police then begins the start of your protection order if you need it.
Have you talked to your child about running if it seems unsafe at home to next door or call police.
Be prepared get him out and change the locks ask your landlord.
I'm sorry your going through such a horrible situation.
I'm sorry sometimes once you leave they ramp up the abuse as they lose power to control you, being followed, drive bys, stalking in supermarket, so don't take on the "you should move your not doing enough comments. Hopefully he gets sent far away and you can enjoy your surroundings. Cat piss to lose who have never been there