Partners mood changes when step daughter is home.

[EmJW271993]

My partner and I have been together for two years. I have an amazing relationship with his 5 year old daughter, who I consider to be my step daughter, although we are not married.

My partner does MMA, so he trains a lot. I regularly have my step daughter when he trains on Saturday, so he is gone for over 4 hours. I play, cook, read, wash her clothes and bath her. He does contribute but I would say I do more.

However, his mood is different when we have DSD. It's not her fault in anyway. She is very attached to me. He is very loving towards her, but towards me? He has no patience, he gets very snappy and distant with me, sometimes I feel as though he doesn't even acknowledge, I'll ask him to help with the cleaning and he complains that he never gets anytime to relax. It's getting to the point where I am dreading the weekends. I have tried to speak to him about it but it goes over his head.

I spent all day yesterday cleaning, doing the laundry and making food, I bathed DSD and dried her hair and when it was time to put her to bed he asked me to make him a tea whilst he ran himself a bath?

Have any of you experienced anything similar?
I don't have anyone to talk to about this so I'm posting it on here. Thank you in advance.

He’s got a housekeeper and babysitter in one yet he doesn’t have time to relax?! What does he do?

Do yourself a favour OP and back off. She is his responsibility - not yours. By all means have a nice relationship with her but let him do the parenting. Don’t be treated like a mug. I mean that in the nicest way...... having made the same mistake years ago.

Maybe book yourself a weekend away or go out with friends / family and leave him to it?

He works throughout the week, as do I, but he trains Jiu-Jitsu so he doesn't get home until 9:35PM.

Yesterday, I had a nap, and when I finished he came in and said it was now my turn to look after DSD! He has a way of making me feel like I'm in the wrong. Apparently I am always moaning but I do get fed up with it.

Thank you for the advice. I needed to hear (read) it! Did things get better when you backed off a bit?

Perhaps he’s jealous of the ease with which you get on with his daughter. And maybe wants more of your attention to himself?

Nope nope nope NOT your turn to look after SD she is his responsibility not yours. Anything you do about and beyond being kind to her when she is there should be met with gratitude not expectation.

You need to do less. Just do the fun stuff and at a time when you have the enthusiasm and energy to do it

I would put a stop to that, and sharpish.
The kid is not there to see you, she’s there to spend time with her Dad.
What I did was plan things for myself when my exP’s DD came, and told him I’m making them some space to spend time one to one.
I also helped with bath time because he made her cry washing her hair, but I made it clear: let me know when it’s time for your hair, I’ll come in then.
I also engineered as such that they cooked dinner together, while I was tidying up and getting stuff ready for the week ahead.
I invented, a couple of times and on the spot, reasons I won’t be in that evening to look after his DD. The thing is: he’d he asked me in advance, consulted with me, asked me if I have ever any plans, I would have obliged, I would have looked after her, I do love that kid and I enjoy having her around. But the scene was like this: ok, I’m going out. So who is looking after her, I am going out too. What?you never said!!!! You never asked, I assumed you’ve sorted your own childcare, but I am due to meet so and so in an hour.

As I said, before we got to this, he completely took me for granted. And the time away from her at the weekend increased. And when he did come back, he would go straight to her, completely ignoring me, never said thanks. I stopped all that when one evening I didn’t put her to bed when he thought she should go, and had a go at me. And I just thought: nah, mate, that does it.
I fell into the step mum ‘trap’, where you’re not really a mum, you’re the free childcare. It’s easy to do. But my DD was a teenager, she was off with her friends, I wanted to enjoy a little bit of freedom.

You are right. I do need to step back. They do spend time together, sometimes I'll say I need some time to myself and I'll read in our bedroom. Occasionally he will take her to training on Saturday as I spend time with my sister.

I think I just need to stop trying to do everything as it's not appreciated. Yesterday I asked him to fold his laundry up. He folded up his and his daughters and left mine in there, unfolded.

He left your clothes unfolded after everything you do for him and his daughter?? What a spiteful, petty man.

He's a selfish, entitled twat. If you're not ready to leave him you really need to come down harsh on this. Make it loud and clear his DD is his responsibility. And why are you doing most of the housework? This is not an equal partnership, more like you're his free housemaid.

Things got better for me when I stepped back from it all.

I leave all childcare to him now when it comes to his girls. As another poster put it, I was the free childcare and not valued.

Now I don’t clean or pick up after them, he shops for them, he cooks for them, he runs them here, there and everywhere. It’s full on for him at times and he does get stressed but there you are.......I never did any of it for thanks but I was never allowed an opinion and never appreciated so one day I decided that was enough.

I’m so much happier and save all my time and energy for our dd who is 2.

I needed to read all of this. Thank you. I've just messaged my friend and I'm staying away next weekend!

I'm glad to hear it got better and you are happier.

I'm sure I can be a pain sometimes, apparently I moan a lot but I do deserve to be treated with more respect.

You don't need to do anything for either of them. So doing his hobby is more important than looking after his daughter? Well you've got other things to do too and it's you who is perfectly entitled to do them because you have no responsibilities, he does.

Sit him down and go through the chores and split them fairly. He's a father and need stop spend time with his daughter. So he may need to give up some hobby time. She's there to see him and not you and whilst you don't mind helping out, there really isnt much point her coming just to see you.

• spent all day yesterday cleaning, doing the laundry and making food, I bathed DSD and dried her hair and when it was time to put her to bed he asked me to make him a tea whilst he ran himself a bath?

Have any of you experienced anything similar?*

Have you ever had a serious conversation with him, about how he sees his life panning out? Because, you know, I can imagine myself doing this for a step child in an blue-light type emergency 'til proper plans are put in place.

Not as a regular thing with a 'partner' who works and spends lots of time on hobbies then complains he doesn't have 'me-time'.

If this is how he wants his life, why are you with him ? What do you get out of it?

Yesterday, I had a nap, and when I finished he came in and said it was now my turn to look after DSD!

Far from making me feel I should be doing something, I really think this would make me laugh out loud. The entitlement

I see this a lot on MN, and would love an answer.

why do women people put up with this

What have you internalised about your role in life? Why are you willingly slaving for someone who does not appreciate your efforts.

For someone who does not appreciate your efforts?

Folding up the washing had me reading with my mouth open! That's beyond petty and needs to stop right now!

I'd start making myself scarce every weekend, and when you do decide to stay at home, I'd be making it very clear he's to spend that time with his daughter and not going to his hobby. If he thinks he doesn't do things for you, then during the week he'd be making his own dinner and washing his own clothes

I lost my mother to alcoholism and my father to an overdose before I was 19. I'm 26 now, so that was a while ago. I didn't have the best childhood growing up, that could have something to do with it, maybe? I don't really know.

I'm really trying to build my self-esteem up, I've started drawing and going to the gym everyday. I feel as if I lost myself when I got into this relationship, which isn't his fault, it's my own. I feel like I'm invisible most of the time.

Step back from the relationship OP, in fact I would suggest you step so far back that you live in another house, in another country and let this using git get on with his life.

I would be interested to know how long he was single before you got together and if he has a pattern of having various women (girlfriends or family members) doing the heavy lifting of caring for his DC while he pursues his hobbies. You need to think about your future with him very seriously, also don't have a baby with him, it will be harder to leave and I think you will be leaving eventually.

I agree with everyone else, he considers you to be his live in home help
It's time to resign

Hello Cats are you the OP posting under a different name ?

I feel as if I lost myself when I got into this relationship, which isn't his fault, it's my own.

No need to think about whose fault it is. It sounds as if you would be much better in your own home, building up your self esteem by looking after and being kind to yourself

So many myths and legends, including the ones we tell ourselves, are about being lovely to others. That's great, but only once you are sure of yourself and your boundaries. All the very best.

He sounds like a crap dad and a crap partner. Do not get pregnant to him, whatever you do.

Might have a namechange fail OP

I'm another vote for LTB. He is outright using you, and treating you with not so much a lack of care, as utter bloody contempt.

However, if you're not ready for such extreme measures, I'd be telling him I was going to be telling him about a few domestic changes that were going to be made going forward.

He is responsible for looking after his daughter, including feeding and bathing her, and being present to look after her and be with her. If that means he has to forgo his training time on the weekends he has her, so be it. Naturally I'm happy to have a supporting role, or help out in a pinch, but this is his daughter, he is the parent, and he is the one that she's supposed to be building a bond and relationship with, he is the one with the duty of care.

If I do the laundry, he will be doing the folding and putting away. If I wipe down the bathroom, he will be wiping down the kitchen. If I do the vaccing, he will be washing the floors. If I do the meal plan and grocery list, he will be doing the shopping. If I do the cooking, he will clean up afterwards.

Nice and simple. To the point. I think his reaction to that would be very telling. . . and do think about what you do get from this relationship, and if he treats you like this now, how much worse could it get if you got pregnant. . .

I am the OP, I changed my name.

Thank you for all your advice. I really do appreciate it all and I am taking it all on board.

I agree things could be salvageable and if you don't want to actually call him out and spell out the changes you require you could just show him by your actions.